Madonna Finally Lives Up To Her Name…

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…by appearing to mortals to warn of the great chastisement that is coming. Reports Drudge:

The former Material Girl now believes "the beast is the modern world that we live in!"

"The material world. The physical world. The world of illusion, that we think is real. We live for it, we're enslaved by it. And it will ultimately be our undoing," Madonna explains in her new documentary film, I'M GOING TO TELL YOU A SECRET.

In the movie, which will premiere at the Ziegfeld Theater in New York City on Tuesday, Madonna warns how people "are going to go to hell, if they don't turn from their wicked behavior."

The singer, who is also promoting the upcoming release of her new music CD, declares: "Most priests are gay."

"I refer to an entity called 'The Beast'. I feel I am describing the world that we live in right now. To me 'The Beast' is the modern world that we live in."

Suggested penance: No milk, ice cream, or clothing.

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  1. Right. 🙂

  2. Would it even be possible to satirize this?

    I mean, yeah, you can point out the obvious hypocrisy, but…

    *Runs hand through hair. Exhales loudly. Sits back down.*

  3. Sad, isn’t it. She must have been replaced with a replicant.

  4. Surely this can’t be the same woman who flipped her audience the bird at the Live 8 concert a few weeks back.

    (No, I did NOT watch it. But I saw a photo of it later.)

  5. I expect a terse warning from Kieth Richards telling me not to use drugs.

  6. Do you think maybe if a bunch of us run around screaming “Oh, how shocking! Her last song is extremely offensive and forces me to confront my Puritanical notions of sexuality!” she’ll be satisfied by the attention and just go the fuck away for a little while?

  7. Surely this can’t be the same woman who flipped her audience the bird at the Live 8 concert a few weeks back.

    Jennifer,

    You mean like this?

  8. Troy,

    Ha ha ha. 🙂

  9. She can give me her money and save her self from hell. I’m willing to make the sacrifice.

  10. Smacky, I expect Bush to flip America the bird–it’s one of his more hnest things. But Madonna is flailing around trying to do ANYTHING to get attention, but she doesn’t even wait long enough to see what works before plunging into something else/

    Lookit me! I’m a scary sex thing! No, dammit, look at me! Okay, now I’m a writer of preachy kids’ books! Look at me! You’re not looking! All right, now I’m an elegant English lady! Look at me! Okay, fine. I’ll flip you off! Look at me! I’m a religious fanatic! Look at me! LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!!!

  11. …and no WIRE HANGERS!!!

    I’m sorry, I’ll take the slutty, masturbates-on-stage, traffic-cone bra wearing, Material Girl of the 80s over the Hollywoodized-Hebrew-mysticism spouting, control-freak she has become.

    Also, anyone want to take any bets when the Holy War between nuevo-Kabbalism and Scientology for control of Tinsel Town will begin? In can see ut all now: Britany Speers Vs. the “cleared” Katie Holms-Cruise in a steel cage mud wrestling match!

  12. Britney Spears is Jewish now? Christ, haven’t they suffered enough?

  13. I wonder what the lyrics to her duet with Cat Stevens will be.
    Please, please let the coming political landscape not be the Conservative Christians on the one side pitted against a growing coalition of Kaballah worshippers and Self Help addicts. I thought the Bush administration would have to be the nadir of Modern America.

  14. Christ, haven’t they suffered enough?

    Delicious.

    Xenu Vs. The Red String sounds like the title of a really bad Japanese movie.

  15. Timothy,

    Xenu is the evil alien dictator, remember? 🙂

    They might to import L. Ron Hubbard from the planet he went to after he decided to give up corporeal form. He has super-human powers after all. 🙂

  16. Is that you, Kettle?

  17. I just remembered something to suggest this insanity is not without foreshadowing. . . somewhere at home I have a copy of the CD single of Justify My Love. (And to save embarrassment, let me point out that I bought it for use as exotic-dancer-soundtrack-music, not to actually listen to.)

    Anyway, the single has multiple versions of the song, and one version has this really weird pseudo-mystical remix where she reads from the book of the Revelation over the music. I found the lyrics online and I’ll post them here.

    One more thing: the version right before this, on the single, ends with her saying in a loud, clear voice, “FUCK ME.” Two seconds later, we dive into this:

    Madonna – Justify My Love ( The Beast Within ) Lyrics

    (from Revelation 1:3)
    Blessed is he who reads aloud the words of the prophecy
    And blessed are those who hear
    And who keep what is written therein
    For the time is near

    (from Revelation 1:7)
    He is coming with the cloudsAnd every eye will see him
    Everyone who pierced him
    And all the tribes of the earth will wail on account of him

    (from Revelation 2:1-4)
    Those of you who have not learned what some call the deep things
    of Satan
    I know your works, I know your toil, and your patient endurance
    And how you cannot hear evil men
    But have tested those who call themselves apostles, but are not
    And found them to be false
    I know that you are enduring patiently and bearing out for my
    namesake
    And you have not grown weary
    But I have this against you
    That you have abandoned the love you had

    (from Revelation 2:9-10)
    I know your tribulation and your poverty
    And the slander of those who say that they are Jews, but they
    are not
    They are a synagogue of Satan
    Do not fear what you are about to suffer
    Behold the devil is about to throw you into prison

    Wanting, needing, waiting for you to justify my love
    Hoping, praying for you to justify my love

    (from Revelation 13:1-10)
    And I saw a beast rising out of the sea with ten horns and seven
    heads
    And a blasphemous name upon its head
    And the beast that I saw was like a leopard
    Its feet were like a bear’s
    And its mouth was like a lion’s mouth
    And to it the dragon gave his power, and his throne, and great
    authority
    One of his heads had a mortal wound
    But it seemed to have a mortal wound that was healed
    And the whole earth followed the beast with wonder

    Men worshipped the dragon for he had given his authority to the
    beast
    And they worshipped the beast saying
    “Who is like the beast and who can fight against the beast?”
    And the beast was given a mouth uttering haughty and blasphemous
    words
    And it was allowed to exercise authority for forty-two months
    It opened its mouth to utter blasphemous words against God

    It was allowed to make war on the saints and to conquer
    And authority was given it over every tribe
    And a people and tongue and nation
    And all who dwell on earth could worship it in vain
    If anyone has an ear let him hear
    If anyone is to be taken captive, into captivity he will go
    If anyone who slays with the sword, with the sword

    Wanting, needing, waiting for you to justify my love
    Hoping

    (from Revelation 21:1-8)
    Then, I saw a new heaven and a new earth
    And I heard a great voice from the throne saying:
    “Behold the dwelling of God is with men
    He will dwell with them, and they shall be his people
    And God himself will be with them
    He will wipe away every tear from their eyes
    And death shall be no more
    Neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore
    For these things will have passed away

    To the thirsty I will give water without price
    From the fountain of the water of life
    He who conquers shall have this heritage
    And I will be his God and he shall be my son

    But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the polluted
    As for the murderers, fornicators, sorcerers, idolators, and all
    liars
    Their lot shall be in the lake that burns with fire and
    brimstone.”

    (from Revelation 22:10-13)
    And he said to me, he said to me:
    “Do not seal up the words of the prophecy, for the time is near
    Let the evildoers still do evil, and the filthy still be filthy
    And the righteous still do right, and the holy still be holy
    Behold, I am coming soon
    I am the alpha and the omega
    The first and the last
    The beginning and the end.”

    Amen

    What are you gonna do?

  18. Okay. Sigh. Madonna needs to be spanked.

    Which of you people is gonna step up to the task?

  19. Britney Spears is Jewish now?

    It sort of depends on whether you want to call the newage that spews forth from the Hollywood Kabbala Center “Judaism.” Most orthodox and conservative Jews, who actually know what Kabbala is supposed to be about, will tell you that what Madonna, Britney, and Demi practice isn’t the real deal.

    It matter’s not to me an blasphemous atheist like me. They’re all goofy in my book.

  20. Wow Plato Ciccone? Sounds like at almost 50 years old she has caught up with the Philosophies of Plato and Kant. As smart as she thinks she sounds, she’s saying nothing different than a lot of other philosophies dating back thousands of years.

  21. Madonna is SOOOOOOO the 21st century Fat Elvis as of late…

  22. shh chris, you’ll only encourage her.

  23. Britany Speers Vs. the “cleared” Katie Holms-Cruise in a steel cage mud wrestling match!

    I’d pay to watch that…and it wouldn’t even need any pseudo-religious crap around it.

    Last thing Madonna-related that I enjoyed: the Playboy/Penthouse pictorials.

  24. Do you think maybe if a bunch of us run around screaming “Oh, how shocking! Her last song is extremely offensive and forces me to confront my Puritanical notions of sexuality!” she’ll be satisfied by the attention and just go the fuck away for a little while?

    Jennifer: We tried that. Didn’t work.

  25. The other day I suggested that, having children drains 20 IQ points. Today I’ll add that the little urchins also seem to suck out all the joie de vivre as well.

  26. I’m glad she makes her children do pennance for her lifetime of overindulgence. She seems to be following the Mel Gibson school of “Now that I’ve fucked the whole planet, I’ve decided it’s time for the rest of you to start taking religion seriously”.
    Well, the good news is that this fad shall end too. Perhaps Wicca Madonna next? Or Maybe she’ll run with the fake Brit thing and become stiff-upper-lip-Anglican Madonna.

  27. If Lourdes leaves dirty clothes on the floor, “we take all of her clothes and put them in a bag, and she has to earn all of her clothes back by being tidy,” Madonna said. “She wears the same outfit every day to school until she learns her lesson.”

    Holy shit. Joan Crawford did something eerily similar in Mommie Dearest. Didn’t anybody tell Madonna that the book isn’t meant to be a parents’ how-to guide?

  28. Perhaps Wicca Madonna next? Or…Anglican Madonna.

    Anything but Libertarian Madonna.

  29. >Would it even be possible to satirize this?

    No, I don’t think it would be possible.

    I always loved that “Beast Within” remix of “Justify My Love.” No shame there. She was just having fun. I really did find it kind of spooky and sexy.

    I’m very glad Madonna seems to have a happy marriage. The fact that she is now culturally irrelevant is not as important as the fact that the woman who wrote “Like A Prayer” finally has what she needs from a man.

    Nevertheless, I’d prefer it if she’d keep her Kabbalistic musings within a small circle of intimate friends.

  30. Holy shit. Joan Crawford did something eerily similar in Mommie Dearest. Didn’t anybody tell Madonna that the book isn’t meant to be a parents’ how-to guide?

    Jennifer,

    You’re forgetting one of the fringe benefits of being a parent: making your child’s life a LIVING HELL if you so desire. (She must have taken pointers from my parents circa my highschool years.)

  31. I’m very glad Madonna seems to have a happy marriage

    Yeah, good for her, but too bad she can’t figure out how to do that without being an abusive mother to boot.

  32. Hak: Yes, I remember that Xenu “is” the evil galactic dictator from 76 million years ago, but Scientologists are the only fools who belive in him, so I figured he’s a good representative of their crack-pot religion.

    Plus “Xenu” is just so fun to say.

  33. Smacky–

    Haven’t forgotten the fringe benefit at all; my own parents’ fondness for it is why I’ve been completely estranged from my family for over a decade. And it’s also why, though my opinion of Madonna was formerly in the don’t care-to-mild annoyance range, I now formally despise her. Loathsome bullying bitch.

  34. madonna should be happy, in some way, because she no longer needs to act as she does. the culture is far more free, sexually, than it was in 1985. she did her part, and was the babylon of that past age, but she’s done now.

    that title belongs to angelina jolie for the time being. but who will be the next woman to ride astride the great beast?

    only time will tell.

  35. Jennifer: Do you think Guy tells them that “daddy drinks because you cry”?

  36. Timothy–

    Ha! What comedian is that from again? It’s going to itch my brain until I remember.

  37. >Yeah, good for her, but too bad she can’t figure out how to do that without being an abusive mother to boot.

    No doubt Madonna has control issues, but finding out that she prohibits tv and junk food and expects her child to pick her dirty clothes up off the floor is really insufficient evidence for accusations of child abuse.

  38. Tim–

    Was it the Goth “Voltaire?”

  39. Missy–

    Expecting kids to clean up their clothes is not abuse. Punishing them by humiliating them in front of their friends (“she wears the same clothes to school every day until she learns her lesson”) is. Not to mention denying huge numbers of harmless childhood joys.

    And remember: this is just the stuff the bitch chooses to brag about. We won’t hear the rest of the details until Lourdes writes her tell-all book in a couple of decades, though.

  40. We need Julie Brown to come back now more than ever

  41. Jennifer: I saw it in an email forward years ago under “Children’s Books You’ll Never See” along with Pop Goes The Hamster And Other Fun Microwave Games, etc. I have no idea where it came from originally.

  42. that title belongs to angelina jolie for the time being. but who will be the next woman to ride astride the great beast?

    Sorry, I don’t kiss and tell.

  43. >Punishing them by humiliating them in front of their friends (“she wears the same clothes to school every day until she learns her lesson”) is.

    Well, it isn’t an ideal tactic but it’s hardly beyond the pale. I’d rather not speculate about what else goes on between Madonna and her kids. For all we know they love their mother and always will.

    But that’s my bias. I have plenty of vitriol for other celebrities that I don’t know and have no first hand observations about, so I can’t hold myself above it.

  44. I guess I just found the little spot where I can go if I need to get the grape-flavored Kool-aid!

  45. And silly me thought the Beast was a big friggin’ uber computer in Brussels….

  46. According to Aleister Crowley, Babalon mastered the Beast and Babalon was very clearly associated with Leo, which is Madonna’s sign. Therefore she is quite qualified to comment on matters relating to the Beast. Plus as described below, Babalon was the mother of abominations, and Madonna is a mother, though some say she herself be the abomination.

    None of this disqualifies the big computer as a manifestation of the Beast, of course, though Jack Van Impe may beg to differ.

    “This is the Mystery of Babalon, the Mother of Abominations, and this is the mystery of her adulteries, for she hath yielded up herself to everything that liveth, and hath become a partaker in its mystery. And because she hath made her self the servant of each, therefore is she become the mistress of all. Not as yet canst thou comprehend her glory.
    Beautiful art thou, O Babalon, and desirable, for thou hast given thyself to everything that liveth, and thy weakness hath subdued their strength. For in that union thou didst understand. Therefore art thou called Understanding, O Babalon, Lady of the Night!”

  47. Wait.

    Maddona is Jewish now?

    I thought she was British?

  48. I thought that Madonna was forced back to the U.S. as part of Homer Simpson’s plea agreement?

  49. ralphus-

    Even worse, she’s into Kabbalah (sp?) which is the Jewish equivalent of Scientology.

  50. I wish someone would tell Madonna you’re not supposed to smoke the incense, just burn it.

  51. Even worse, she’s into Kabbalah (sp?) which is the Jewish equivalent of Scientology.

    So is Scientology a culture or a religion?

  52. Jennifer,

    Will her child wind up any worse off for not having eaten junk food or watched TV? Not that I’m a fan of the new or the old Madonna, with her blasphemous appelation.

  53. For according-to-Hoyle Kabbalah:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kabbalah

    For the type that Madonna practices:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kabbalah_Center

  54. People stop bashing on Madonna – If you saw the clip of what she was talking about, it was taken out of context. She was opening her Reinvention Tour with the “Justify My Love” Beast Within Mix. She was asked off-camera why she was opening with that, and was simply explaining her belief in that regard.

    I don’t think it’s a lot of a stretch for someone to believe that being selfish is all about being rich. YOu can be rich and also be a great person. You can also be poor and be an asshole. (As evidenced on here, obviously)

    Her music rocks, and she’s been around longer than just about anybody. She’s had ups and downs but she’s still around. Unlike these idiot bands of today that will have one hit song and POOF! I mean, do we really think we’ll be rocking out to Ashley (I’m gonna lipsync it) Simpson, Ryan Cabrera, or any of the other faux stars from American Idol? I think not.

    Stop quit’cha hatin!

    Madonna rules. And she’s back to prove it!

  55. Madonna’s ability to market reinventions of herself is impressive.

  56. I don’t think it’s a lot of a stretch for someone to believe that being selfish is all about being rich. YOu can be rich and also be a great person. You can also be poor and be an asshole. (As evidenced on here, obviously)

    What does any of this have to so Madonna’s wealth? We’re talking about her hypocricy (i.e. One decade she’s a sex symbol. The next, she’s prudish matron.), her goofy religious beliefs, and her abusive, domineering, child-rearing techniques.

  57. Please, please let the coming political landscape not be the Conservative Christians on the one side pitted against a growing coalition of Kaballah worshippers and Self Help addicts

    At least it’ll be an entertaing Holy War. Watching each side trying to grab a larger share of the victimhood while making out the other side to be a hideous oppressor will be funny as all hell. Well, funny until one side wins and makes everyone into pod-people. But then, you can’t have everything.

  58. Not that I’m a fan of the new or the old Madonna, with her blasphemous appelation.

    Yes, damn her blasphemous parents for naming her that.

  59. I read somewhere that as a scientologist, Holmes can’t have pain treatment during birth, and she’s not even allowed to yell out (as it apparently stresses out the child).

    Fuck, these people are such morons.

  60. I read somewhere that as a scientologist, Holmes can’t have pain treatment during birth, and she’s not even allowed to yell out (as it apparently stresses out the child).

    Come on, Nice Guy, you’re being GLIB! I have studied the history of obstetrics!! I know the truth!!! I paid the church good money to learn the facts about child brith from the OTIII document, and you’re just being glib!!!!

    [Jumps on the couch.]

    I LOVE THIS WOMAN, BY HUBBARD!!!!!

  61. Jim,

    No one is questioning her talent. At least for self-promotion. Her musical talent? Well, to each their own.

    She’s been suckling at the Beast’s teat for two decades. Its nourishment has made her wealthy, famous and British. Now she is calling us out on our materialistic ways as she sips her $5 bottle of Kabbalah water while wearing a $30 piece of string around her wrist.

    Screw you lady.

  62. Madonna has become nothing more than the “Babs” for the new generation of gay men. Her relevency begins and ends there.

    I never thought I’d see the day when Madonna so blatantly ripped off Abba, as with her “new” single, Hung Up. That’s almost funny.

    Of course Madge is pulling a Joan Crawford. Could she possibly be capable of doing anything original? I think not.

  63. >Not that I’m a fan of the new or the old Madonna, with her blasphemous appelation.

    >>Yes, damn her blasphemous parents for naming her that.

    In case anyone is interested, it was her mother’s name too. Why not? Hispanic people name their son’s Jesus.

  64. bitch

    not you

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