Banned, for Her Pleasure

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Feministing reports on a new line from Trojan called "Elexa": condoms the company is marketing to women, including one that comes with a vibrating latex ring. But that, apparently, is illegal in eight states thanks to anti–sex toy laws. The purpose of these escapes me—perhaps lawmakers imagine that, absent a Jocelyn Elders approved health curriculum, their citizens won't be able to unravel the mysteries of masturbation mechanics without a battery-powered device?

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  1. “But that, apparently, is illegal in eight states thanks to anti?sex toy laws.”

    I’ve seen Colorado mentioned in several articles as one of the states where the product is “banned” and I’m quite baffled. I’ve lived in Colorado for 20 years and never heard of any restrictions on the sales of such products.

  2. I thought ‘feministing’ was the term for lesbian fisting. I’m going to have to seek clarification from Dan Savage on this one.

  3. When vibrating female condoms are outlawed…etc.
    I thought those laws were tossed out by the Supremes some time ago. Griswold v. Connecticut, if I remember right. What am I missing here? Didn’t the Founders secure for all time our right to dildos, cockrings, french ticklers, and vibrating vaginal sleeves?

  4. In Alabama, white women must be protected from big black sex toys.

  5. Praise the Lord we have threads like this for refuge from gaius marius scaring the shit out of us about the coming real estate crash.

  6. What’s the buzz from the legal types on the Constitutionality of these bans?

  7. Julian, your concluding sentence assumes that the banners’ goal is to change people’s behavior. That’s misunderstanding. They are more interested in seeing their personal morality written into law as symbolic politics (as George Bush explained his support for sodomy laws), to show who’s boss.

    Anti-choice people know damn well there will be almost as many abortions if it were outlawed. They just want the law to reflect that this is a Christian nation.

  8. So far, this is the fastest growing thread today. Not that I’m surprised. Personally, I’ve been looking for an excuse to use the terms ‘cockring’ and ‘dildo’ in public. Thanks to Twba, I can also toss in ‘big black phallic simulacrum’.

  9. thoreau has the pun award so far, but the competition is far from spent.

  10. I think Sex-toy bans might possibly be the best litmus test for identifying, ultra red-neck states populated by God-fearing illiterates and run by Bible thumping autocrats.

  11. It would be nice to run an experiment to see which laws have the greatest versus least effect on behavior. Or, I should say, it would be nice if it were possible.

  12. fyodor-

    Your experiment might be quite profitable if video cameras are involved…

  13. Actually, my comment wasn’t fair.

    They don’t just want to know that the written law endorses them as the master class.

    They also want to be able to read about the wicked having their doors kicked in once in a while.

  14. What’s the buzz from the legal types on the Constitutionality of these bans?

    They will be overturned as soon as somebody wants to spend a hundred thousand dollars and 3 or 4 years vindicating, in a highly public way, their right to buy objects to insert in their orifices and give thereby themselves a sexual orgasm.

    Basically the same answer you came up with on the other thread, but here with the additional disincentive of sexual embarrassment. For a while back in the late 90s, I was following a case out of Alabama, I think. I don’t think the case made it up all the way to the Supreme Court.

    Putting an unmarried female on SCOTUS would, of course, spell doom for restrictions on these husband substitutes.

  15. As supporters of the free market, you should look at these bans less as a laughable affront to privacy and more as an opporunity to start running bootleg dildos into Alabama.

    -Keith

  16. Warren-I grew up in one of those states, and am niether illiterate nor a bible-thumper. There are a few free thinkers and heretics about, even in Bubbaland, although not enough, obviously. It’s become truly embarassing to be a native of Kansas.

  17. thoreau and fyodor,

    I agree that an experiment is in order. Something has do be done. I will selflessly investigate into this matter of feminine pleasure devices firsthandedly.

  18. joe-

    Seeing as how people of all religious persuasions indulge in the same sexual practices, maybe the righteous just get off on the taboo of doing something illegal.

    Of course, there are stores that sell cop uniforms and handcuffs and whips and chains for Red Staters who feel the need to be punished. But I guess it just feels more authentic for them when there are actual laws involved.

  19. Actually, my comment wasn’t fair.

    No it wasn’t. Especially to people who think late term fetuses have sufficient brainpower to get a little more legal respect than they do right now.

  20. joe,

    They also like to read an excerpt or two about just what wicked things were going on behind those doors before they are kicked in. For legal purposes, of course. And after the wife and kids are in bed, naturally.

  21. As one of the linguists who reads these posts I can’t help commenting on this:

    “anti?sex toy laws”

    Sorry, but by my reading of this phrase we’re talking about toy laws against sex. Perhaps these are laws passed by Model United Nations groups? Such groups often comprise underage members, so I could understand why we might have laws against sex….

    [I also note there’s something odd about the hyphen, which shows up on my browser as a diamond with a question mark inside it].

  22. I’m in agreement with Keith on this one. It has crossed my mind a few times. If I wanted to just make the case, I’d show up with a bunch of the condoms and start handing them out to people. But I’d be more interested in making a profit to fund my case to the Court.

  23. “…a little more legal respect”

    Funny, I thought it was about their lives, not “legal respect.”

    No, I didn’t. I always knew it was about symbolic politics.

  24. smacky,
    Before you begin your experiments, perhaps you’d want to comment on the male sex tool I see so often at sites I frequent. It’s slogan is : “Tight: Just like prom night.”
    Is that slogan credible?
    I mean, did the target market for this “fleshlight” really get some on prom night?
    Did you thoreau?

  25. joe scores. That analysis seems exactly right to me. The way they talk about it is Christianity getting “squeezed” out of public life, but the point is exactly the same. They fear not being able to exert behavioral influence by virtue of having an enshrined position in the republic that defines them as the accepted moral authority for most people.

  26. I would exclude many of those opposed to abortion from that analysis, though, as David W mentions should be the case. There are many opposed to the practice who simply oppose the act on moral grounds and are not concerned with the issue’s larger implications for Christianity.

  27. smacky,
    Before you begin your experiments, perhaps you’d want to comment on the male sex tool I see so often at sites I frequent. It’s slogan is : “Tight: Just like prom night.”
    Is that slogan credible?
    I mean, did the target market for this “fleshlight” really get some on prom night?

    Ha ha ha ha ha…the “fleshlight”…one of my more pathetic ex-boyfriends actually admitted to purchasing one of those….HA HA HA HA

    I wouldn’t know if the slogan is credible or not, since I’ve never had sex with a vagina before, real or rubber.

    I, for one, didn’t get any on prom night. I went to the prom after party to “gamble” and try and win raffle prizes. My date was my friend’s boyfriend’s friend. When I returned to our cabin in the woods around 4am, he had already given up the ghost waiting for me and was fast asleep.

  28. Every law that gets broken (without effective enforcement) is symbolic in your sense of that word. However, it don’t take a Christian to want to avoid seeing the brains extracted from a 7 month fetus absent a damn good and verifiable and verified reason. Where your rhetoric enters unfair territory.

  29. I, for one, didn’t get any on prom night.*

    *Not that I wanted any, anyway. He was a nice guy, but somewhat of a meathead.

  30. You can have my ben-wa balls when you pry them from my…

    Naw, I really don’t wanna go there.

  31. I think my favorite law in this area comes from Texas. If I understand correctly, you can have a number of thingies. But over a certain number (a dozen?) it becomes illegal. Like, possession with intent to distribute?

    Plus, they have to be sold as “novelties” and not marketed in a straightforward fashion.

    The idea of a bunch of fat old politicians sitting around discussing a dildo law never fails to amuse.

  32. “Plus, they have to be sold as “novelties” and not marketed in a straightforward fashion.”

    Brian,
    I think you’ve hit on what I think I was trying to say, namely, when will sex toys and their advertising be taken as seriously as, for example, suppositories?
    I mean, Americans are so juvenile about sex, aren’t we?
    Any foreigners lurking?

  33. It should shock nobody that I didn’t go to prom.

  34. *shock*

    You didn’t go to prom, thoreau?

    *shock*

  35. thoreau,
    How to get laid on prom night:
    Step one, go to prom…

  36. I was happy to get the hours at Wendy’s because they usually would give me only minimal hours because: (1) I was too slow at the grill; and (2) female employees would get bent out of shape when I did salad bar (because that was supposed to be a female job for some reason). Uually I would only get yucky oddball assignments, like cleaning the apron around and under the concrete dumpster, or scrubbing the baseboards with grill screens, or doing the grease cannisters. So I was pretty happy to get a real evening shift where I got to work the grill and everything. It was almost as good as having a date. Man, those were unpleasant times!

  37. Smacky-

    At the time I had a girlfriend in another state, and I didn’t really feel like spending a bunch of money on a tux and all that to go dance with somebody who’s just a friend. I’m pretty sure I worked that evening and then hung out with buddies who didn’t go either.

  38. should have been –concrete apron– the dumpster was made out of metal. It was large and dirty, but that is pretty typical of dumpsters.

  39. To put it in perspective, even at my wedding I refused to do more than one dance, and I spent a long time arguing against the tux before finally caving.

    So you can see how prom wasn’t a big priority for me.

  40. “Virginia is for lovers.”

    I wonder if I can sue my new home state for false advertisement.

  41. thoreau,

    Your line of reasoning is the same reason why I couldn’t get my love-interest at the time to go with me. It was a “tradition” for all of the men in his family (his brother and dad) to not go to prom. That’s why I went with a near-stranger instead.
    I should’ve come to the same conclusion as you and not gone at all. I cringe to think how much money I blew on that night for something with no particular significance to me.

  42. thoreau,

    Can you please explain the mechanics of masturbation to the members of your research committee?

  43. No one knows the answer on Griswold? Garykluyt?

  44. It should shock nobody that I didn’t go to prom.

    No worries, you didn’t miss anything.

  45. No one knows the answer on Griswold?

    According to the Wikipedia:

    “The Court struck down the Connecticut law on the grounds that it violated the newly-discovered “right of privacy.” The Court’s analysis was limited to married couples; only in 2003 did the Court in Lawrence v. Texas declare there was also a right of unmarried consenting adult couples to engage in non-procreative sexual intercourse.”

    So, to answer your question, Griswold would not automatically legalize vibrators for at least the reason that it was limited to married people. We also know that Griswold’s (and the Constitution’s) right to privacy are limited to certain kinds of conduct. There is no right to privacy in a rape, for example, Griswold notwithstanding — even laypeople understand that.

    Therefore, a couple possibilities spring to mind. One is that 2003 Lawrence case mentioned in the above wiki quote defines the right of privacy more broadly than Griswold in such a way that vibrators would be covered, rather than continuing to be classed with private acts that do not yet enjoy corresponding privacy rights (eg, arson, mail fraud). I am sure that Lawrence has a Wiki entry, too — and I would recommend that as a resource for curious non-lawyers.

    Let’s say, for the sake of discussion, that Lawrence is limited to homosexual sex with real flesh penis(es). It is possible that a vibrator case would work an expansion in the scope of recognized privacy rights, just like Lawrence did in 2003.

    To summarize: Griswold does not answer the question you ask.

  46. Thoreau & Smacky,

    Well, now that we’re talking about prom. I should’ve skipped both. The first one my date spent all night flirting with a friend of mine. The second I went for no good reason with a girl I liked well enough but wasn’t really interested in dating (and who turned out to be pretty boring) because the gal I was going to ask had a date already. Some jackass asked her in March, and she said yes because she figured nobody else would. Ahhh, prom, what a waste of money.

  47. It should shock nobody that I didn’t go to prom.

    You at least got a prom not to go to.

    Ours got canceled due to lack of interest.

    (No, I’m not kidding.)

  48. Dave W-Thanks. I think Lawrence v. Texas may have been what I was thinking of, although Griswold arguably applies through the right to privacy language. It’s been too long since I did ConLaw, though, and I don’t remember the exact language in either case. I actually have some work to do today, so I don’t have the time to look up the opinions. If I do get a chance, though, I’ll post what I find.

  49. Anyone want to volunteer to be the test case in the quest to secure the Right to Keep and Bear Sex Toys?

  50. Bear Sex Toys

    Number 6,

    My eyes skimmed your post at 1:47pm, and this is the phrase that caught my eye. Just had to share.

  51. I’m surprised someone of the Federalism Or Death variety hasn’t come along and threatened to revoke the libertarian credentials of anyone who didn’t agree that this is a just and proper use of state’s rights, and oh by the way if you don’t like it you can always move.

  52. I’m-m-m p-p-post-t-ting-ing-ing th-thi-this v-v-vib-b-b-rat-t-ting-ing-ing c-c-commmmmmment-t-t as-z-z a p-p-pub-b-blic servvvvvvvice t-t-to annnnny wommmmmmennnnn out-t-t therrrrrrrre who ar-ar-arrrrrre unnnnnab-b-b-ble to leg-g-gally ob-b-b-t-t-tain sex-z-z t-t-t-toys.

    Just press your pelvis against the monitor screen and bliss out. Preferably when no one is around to see.

    No need to thank me. It’s what I do.

  53. I’m surprised someone of the Federalism Or Death variety hasn’t come along and threatened to revoke the libertarian credentials of anyone who didn’t agree that this is a just and proper use of state’s rights, and oh by the way if you don’t like it you can always move.

    I think that would be a good way of handling the issue in the US for both Constitutional integrity and practical reasons.

  54. good call, steven!

    people who get uptight about everybody else’s consenting adult-batteries-kingcobra-captain veiny- toys are 1) assholes 2) scumbags 3) idiots and probably spew hate-filled lingo about “liberty” etc. fuck ’em. actually, don’t. let ’em use their rolled up sunday service program greased with miracle whip leftover from their wonder-bread-bologna sandwiches.

    turdheads. next they’ll want to ban the Happy Tree Friends. hrumph.

  55. By the way, I’m sure it will shock everyone to learn that I spent prom night hanging out with one or two buddies who didn’t go either. I’m almost positive we spent the evening taking turns playing with my family’s Atari.

    And I’m pretty sure we played a primitive video game called Star Blazers, or Star Blaster, something like that.

    However, even though I was a very, very, very late bloomer, I did actually ask a girl to go to prom with me. She politely turned me down because she had already committed to going with a meathead. Just as well, because the very act of asking nearly sent me into an out-of-body experience. I barely knew the girl. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I figured it was my obligation to go the prom with somebody.

  56. I was ASKED to prom by a dashing and attractive girl.

    Why do I feel that my nerd-ish existence went much differently than everyone else’s?

  57. When I returned to our cabin in the woods around 4am,

    Wait, wait, wait, I just noticed this. Dinnae answer if this is prying, smacky, but you had a cabin in the woods for after prom? That’s kinda cool.

  58. That’s also kinda Evil Dead.

  59. I was ASKED to prom by a dashing and attractive girl.

    Dude, I ought to clonk you over the head with a copy of the expanded updated version of the AD&D Dungeonmaster’s Compendium.

  60. If it helps, she had the highest ACT score of any female in my graduating class.

    Also, me an’ my track spikes would fuck you up good. 😉

  61. you had a cabin in the woods for after prom? That’s kinda cool.

    Stevo,

    Yeah, and goddamn expensive. My friend insisted on renting a cabin lodge at a nearby state park so her and her boyfriend could have sex someplace romantic on prom night. Being stupid and not quite aware of the enormity of money that I was blowing on such a venture, I went along with her plan to be a good friend. (Also, I do admit having a cabin is cool in that Evil Dead kind of way that Steven Crane mentioned…too bad there was no Bruce Campbell waiting there for me, though.) I think I probably went to the afterprom festivities in part to avoid that awkward moment where you’re sitting in a nearby room inadvertently listening through the walls to two other people having sex.

    Steven Crane,

    I call your bluff. You weren’t a nerd at all! You were probably captain of the friggin’ track team. And you got asked by Ms. Perfect ACT hottie, not some geek – (which is no surprise to me).

  62. Dashing, attactive and smartest girl in her class. Yeah, like that helps.

    That sounds a lot like the girl I had a crush on from the 6th through (more or less) the 12th grade.

    Crane, I’m drumming you out of the Nerd Corps.

  63. smacky —

    Tsk. Your date should have been the one blowing the money, not you. Chivalry is dead.

    Also, he should have been waiting up for you with a Bruce Campbell mask on. Or at least a huge chin prosthetic.

  64. I call your bluff. You weren’t a nerd at all! You were probably captain of the friggin’ track team

    These are not mutually exclusive. I was a huge nerd, still am (what with the weekly D&D game after all), and I was captain of the track team. And the Cross Country team. I guess that was off-set by the show choir and its frilly pink vests. Oh, how I wish I was kidding.

  65. No, she certainly had geek credibility. She kept snakes and frogs as pets, was editor of the newspaper, artsy-photography, and was addicted to MST3K.

    And so what if I WAS captain? I was also nearly singlehandedly responsible for the school having AP Chemistry my senior year. I’ve got my bona fides…

  66. Steven Crane,

    If I didn’t know better, I (and perhaps other outcasts here) would hurl my pocket protector at you in disgust. You were cool, despite your attempts to fit in with the geeks. You shame the nerd community. Please exit the flock quietly.

    Also, he should have been waiting up for you with a Bruce Campbell mask on. Or at least a huge chin prosthetic.

    Stevo,

    Now that would have been creepy!

    As I said before, I should’ve just skipped my prom. I only went for two reasons: firstly, because of the misguided belief I held that I would perhaps somehow miss out on an important memory from my youth if I didn’t go. Secondly, my friend really, really, really wanted me to double date with her and her boyfriend, so I scrounged up a makeshift date. In hindsight, I should’ve only agreed to go on the condition that he pay for everything. Sometimes, it takes life experience for me to learn valuable lessons.

  67. All these Bruce Campbell references on a thread about sex toys, and not one “This is my boomstick” reference?

    Stevo, I am very, very disappointed in you.

  68. Steve Crane,

    I accept you as a member of the nerd community, I think smacky is just mean. Track kids are not cool, despite what some folks think. So, you can stay. Unless you were a sprinter, in which case, go politely to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect first place in the 400m.

  69. Ooooh! Who’s going to leave post #69 on this thread?

  70. Shop smart, shop S(ex)-Mart?

    Now listen here smacky. You have to look beyond the tight jeans and cigarettes that were rolled up in my sleeve in those days to see the REAL me. While others had their d20s and other outward trappings of geekitude, I, I was the one with Richard Feynman books on my shelf. I was the one who’d go to the college town in the next county to sit in the coffeehouse and stare with puppy-dog admiration at the cute girls with their Nalgene bottles and funny glasses. I was even called, to much consternation on my part, “Crane the Brain” by the other, normal people! (as opposed to “Red Baron” by the people on the track team. Having red hair means everyone thinks they can give you a nickname.) I suffered!

  71. Dammit, Timothy, I was 100/200m only, and their corresponding relays.

    And long jump.

  72. S-s-s-s-steveo,

    THAT’S what you do?!?

  73. Dammit, Timothy, I was 100/200m only, and their corresponding relays.

    BAH! Then smacky is right. You’re out of the club. Dial back when you’ve run the 1500m, the 3000m, and the long relay the same day. Sprinters, bah! BAH, I say!

  74. …never mind the difficulty and inconvenience of being a bit, how shall I say, ah, flamboyant in a relatively backward small-town atmosphere constantly on the lookout for The Gay?

  75. Did you ever wear a pink choir vest? What’s that, no pink vest? Out. Of. The. Club!

    I joined the Show Choir unaware that the uniforms, picked by the female members, would end up pink that year. HOT. PINK!

  76. Holy toledo . . . I was a nerd supreme in school, but I went to THREE proms — my junior and senior prom, and my then-girlfriend’s senior prom at her school.

  77. One of the most disturbing things I ever came across (though not in the same range as smurf porn, dear god in heaven; it has been DAYS since that thread died and I STILL see Smurfette getting it up the ass and giggling) was an article in the NYTimes about sex-toy parties. They’re just like tupperware parties, except for the obvious – apparently it’s one way of getting around the laws in certain unenlightened states. (And might I add – it was the giggle that really got me – the ass-sex, pappa Smurf beating off in the background, those didn’t bother me… but for some reason the giggle just icked me out. And I say this as a man who laughed uncontrollably when he read about the poor fellow in Washington who was literally fucked to death by a horse.)

  78. …never mind the difficulty and inconvenience of being a bit, how shall I say, ah, flamboyant

    Curse you, curse you, Steven Crane for being so smarmy. (On a personal note, mmm mmm mmm I loves me a flamboyant straight guy.)

    Then smacky is right.

    What? What’s that you say? Can I get a amen, brothas and sistahs?

    Timothy, I’ve been meaning to say this for quite some time now:

    frilly pink vests

    HA HA HA! I am mean.

  79. No, Timothy, I was in band and jazz band.

    I wore as close to bespoke suits as I could get.

  80. sex-toy parties. They’re just like tupperware parties,

    peachy,

    Have you ever actually been to a sex toy party? I have. Disturbingly, they are just like Tupperware parties — the median age range for the one I was at had to be late 40’s-early 50’s. Thankfully, I arrived late enough to have missed the Sex Swing presentation.

  81. Alas, no… not only do I live in a civilised state (IL) but I’m half the right age and definitely the wrong gender. I grew up overseas, so I’m used to be the odd-one-out, but there are limits even for me (shudder)…

  82. Have you ever actually been to a sex toy party? I have. Disturbingly, they are just like Tupperware parties — the median age range for the one I was at had to be late 40’s-early 50’s. Thankfully, I arrived late enough to have missed the Sex Swing presentation.

    My wife went to one of these and I can back up smacky’s observations. However, I got that beat. My wife took her MOTHER. HER FUCKIN’MOTHER!? Can anyone give me a bleeech?

  83. Ahh, jazz band, I’ll bet you were the only cool kid in there.

  84. I think we’ve heard enough from you today, frilly pink vest.

    (hee hee! Just being mean again.)

  85. smacky,

    Hey, I look good in a tux, but perhaps a colour other than pink for the vest (a vest with lapels, at that) would’ve been a bit nicer. And, besides, now that the truth about sprinting comes out, I’m on your side RE Steve Crane.

  86. smacky: Now that [a Bruce Campbell mask] would have been creepy!

    Sometimes there’s a fine line between hot and creepy, smacky.

    Jennifer: and not one “This is my boomstick” reference? … Stevo, I am very, very disappointed in you.

    I regret that I have not yet memorized the Evil Dead series. I’ve only seen fragments on the SciFi channel. So far.

    Steven Crane: I have reconsidered, and I welcome you back into the brotherhood of nerddom. I have gauged the following against my own experiences as the measure of all things nerdy.

    Exhibit A: The track team isn’t cool. My best friend in homeroom tried to recruit me for cross-country. (In those days, I was a surprisingly decent sprinter even though I was stocky. Kinda like a rhino.)

    Exhibit B: It’s really the Richard Feynman books in high school that give you hard-core nerd-cred. I don’t think I’d even heard of him yet at that stage. Carl Sagan, yes.

    Exhibit C: Finally, I don’t think I was ever “flamboyant,” Flamehead (that’s your red-haired nickname of the day), but on the my first day of high school I was 5′ 8″, 141 pounds, and I had to wear the blue-on-white Freddie-of-Scooby Doo plaid pants and shiny shirt that my mom bought me. That didn’t make getting through the next four years any easier. The fact that you had any sense of style actually works against your nerdishness, but getting picked on buys you back in.

    I never wore a frilly pink vest, though. I was confirmed (a Catholic thing) in a Nehru jacket, however. Think of Fez from That ‘Seventies Show, only Euro-Caucasian.

  87. I regret that I have not yet memorized the Evil Dead series.

    No excuse.

  88. …had to wear the blue-on-white Freddie-of-Scooby Doo plaid pants and shiny shirt that my mom bought me.

    I would say something, but I think I’ve already reached my limit for making fun of people today.

    I’ll just sit here and try to keep a stern look on my face.

  89. “I’ll just sit here and try to keep a stern look on my face”

    – guess ya didn’t find anything neat at the party, hey?

  90. – guess ya didn’t find anything neat at the party, hey?

    Actually, I did — that’s why I have the stern look. I’m concentrating, here.

    Hey-ooo! I’m here all week. Well, most of the week. I’ll be in DC on Friday.

  91. I am laughing so hard! I have never seen more people jockeying for top nerd position in my life! Ah,hahahahahaha! I love you guys!

    Me, I was too cool to go the prom.

    And no sex toy can ever, EVER, be better than real flesh.

  92. …had to wear the blue-on-white Freddie-of-Scooby Doo plaid pants and shiny shirt that my mom bought me.

    I would say something, but I think I’ve already reached my limit for making fun of people today.

    Oh, say it, smacky. I can take it. Or if I can’t, I’ll just get even.

  93. I had to wear the blue-on-white Freddie-of-Scooby Doo plaid pants and shiny shirt that my mom bought me.

    Did you have the ascot too?

  94. No, no scarf.

    Whoops, I have to work now. Back later.

  95. Went to prom with a chick I didn’t really know. She worked at a 31 Flavors in the same strip mall where I bagged groceries at a Kroger, as i recall. See, joe? It isn’t sprawl, it’s Looove Zoning.

    It didn’t work out. In the biggest jackass maneuver of my life, I wound up hanging out with the extremely hot date of an acqauintance of mine. They were just there as friends, and she was for some unfathomable reason flirting with me. Too much for an awkward fellow like me to resist. We wound up dating for a year and a half or something. I still feel like a tool for taking my own date home waay early and basically ignoring her for most of the night. Very uncool. Which more or less describes the entirety of my high school career.

  96. “And I’m pretty sure we played a primitive video game called Star Blazers, or Star Blaster, something like that.”

    for 1000 nerd points…

    star raiders?

    astroblast?

  97. Sorry to derail the prom-date threadjack, just wanted to point out that people still get arrested for selling plastic in shapes the state doesn’t approve of.

  98. The fact that you had any sense of style actually works against your nerdishness, but getting picked on buys you back in.

    Let the record state that by my sophomore year I was not to be picked upon without fear of retribution. Still, though, my position was an odd one.

    Fortunately, though, those days are over, and I can pursue nerditude with a minimum of pugilistic posturing.

  99. dhex:

    It was Star Raiders! Thank you.

    I still remember that distinctive “electronic cloth-ripping sound” of the hyperspace jumps.

  100. Was Star Raiders the one that used that little keyboard thing in the second controller slot?

  101. Fortunately, though, those days are over, and I can pursue nerditude with a minimum of pugilistic posturing.

    I nominate this for best sentence of the day.

  102. I actually had two dates for my junior prom, and a hot Spanish foreign exchange student for my senior prom.

    I’m a D&D nerd, computer/video game nerd, but I’m also a hockey player, was on the swim team in HS (top 10 in the individual medley in AZ), am a dj/club-kid, etc, so it’s hard to pigeon hole me into any one category.

    smacky – I think most of us would like pictures of your experiments with feminine pleasure devices. 🙂

  103. Stevo-Atari? Wow, you are old.

    I have to disagree with the crowd though, in that I think that track is an acceptable sport for geeks, as it teaches the real-life skill of running away from people who are more inclined to violence.

    I didn’t go to my prom either, but being that the reasons were not geek-related at all, and since I don’t want such respected luminaries as Smacky to take away my beloved cred, I’ll not go into them here.

  104. Lowdog has it! You see, it is possible to be a nerd without being EXCLUSIVELY a nerd.

  105. I couldn’t get a date because I looked 12 when I was 17. I found this out 10 years later at the reunion. People were surprised to see me. They thought I had been a freshman taking accelerated classes. No Junior or Senior co-ed wanted to go out with what they thought was a freshman.

    I was saved from total geekdom, by the fact that I played drums. The pain of not getting dates in High School was soothed by playing in Rock bands in the 70’s and 80’s. That and the fact that I barely look 40 today (I’m 51) and those girls that turned me down look way to old for me now.

  106. Was Star Raiders the one that used that little keyboard thing in the second controller slot?

    I honestly don’t remember.

    Stevo-Atari? Wow, you are old.

    Get the hell off my lawn, you young punk whippersnapper!

    I was saved from total geekdom, by the fact that I played drums.

    Hmm. I don’t think I had any non-geeky talents at that time. I could draw, but I mostly drew dinosaurs, so that was even geekier.

    I just might be the alpha nerd here. For real.

  107. joe,

    Lots of folks are interested in having their personal morality written into law; its not just the domain of social conservatives.

    thoreau,

    The Supreme Court has never dealt squarely with the issue of vibrators, etc. Taking Griswold to its logical extension though, such laws would likely be unconstiutional if Griswold remains good law.

    Dave W.,

    The 11th Circuit tossed the Alabama law as I recall; of course only Alabama, Georgia and Florida are in the 11th Circuit.

    …mais ou sont les neiges d’antan?

  108. Stevo, you’re killin’ it today! Bravo!

    Actually, there was a song in the mid 90’s, I think, and the lyrics went something like this: When I was younger, I always thought that I was a geek. Now that I’m older, I realise that I am a freak.

    I loved that song because it sure seemed to speak to me and helped me realise that I, too, am just a freak and not really a geek. 🙂

    Oh, and I remember Atari’s. I was about 9 or 10 when I had one. So Stevo can’t be that old…

  109. *inserts token lament over the demise of Freaks and Geeks here*

  110. Oh, and I remember Atari’s. I was about 9 or 10 when I had one. So Stevo can’t be that old…

    No, it just means that you’re old too.

  111. Purely in the interests of blogging ancient history, here goes. My ambiance after prom night was perfect: Three couples, all good friends, each matched up quite cozily in a small apartment above a bakery. (One of our group was the baker’s daughter.) We shared a little alcohol, which gave a forbidden thrill, but I think our problem with regard to getting it on was that pesky “Alphonse and Gastone” routine.
    In other words: who should go first?
    No one did.

  112. When I was younger, I always thought that I was a geek. Now that I’m older, I realise that I am a freak.

    That fits pretty well! As a youngster, actually, I knew I was both a geek and a freak. But I suppressed the freaky qualities, being quite shy. Much, much later in life, I learned that some women like a little freak. Being a freak is much better.

  113. You may be a geek, you may have geek written all over you; you should aim to be one geek they’ll never forget. Don’t aim to be civilized. Don’t hope that straight people will keep you on as some kind of pet. To hell with them; they put you here. You should fully realize what society has made of you and take a terrible revenge. Get weird. Get way weird. Get dangerously weird. Get sophisticatedly, thoroughly weird and don’t do it halfway, put every ounce of horsepower you have behind it. — Bruce Sterling

  114. Jason,

    “See, joe? It isn’t sprawl, it’s Looove Zoning.”

    Now THAT’S funny!

    I look back on some of my youthful romantic behavior and cringe, too. You were young, you didn’t know any better.

    As far as my nerdiness – I told you all I was a varsity athlete. While technically true…I made the worst tennis team in the state when I was a freshman, and that’s it. Spent the rest of high school doing menial theater and winning awards for debate and academic decathlon.

    Took a friend of a friend to junior prom, my frisky girlfriend to senior.

  115. Hi Haluyt!

    “Lots of folks are interested in having their personal morality written into law; its not just the domain of social conservatives.”

    Yes, I know. My point was that social conservatives seem to stand out for their eagerness to get their personal morality written into law in ways that have such a minor real world impact, purely as a demonstration of their authority. Like Judge Moore’s rock – they want to mark the legal system as their turf, just so everyone knows they can.

  116. such respected luminaries as Smacky

    I’ll be the first to say it, Shem: you need to get out more. 🙂

    joe,

    You were an academic decathlete, too? I gold medaled in at least four categories.
    (I think I just threw myself to the wolves admitting that one.)

  117. I’ll be the first to say it, Shem: you need to get out more.

    Whatever, just don’t take my cred. I need it.

  118. Oops. Correction:

    “on the my first day of high school I was 5′ 8”, 114 pounds,” if I recall correctly. (I remember reading this on a form relating to the physical exam I had to take prior to entering high school.)

  119. Jesus. At least if anyone gave you any trouble you could turn sideways and disappear.

  120. “See, joe? It isn’t sprawl, it’s Looove Zoning.”

    Jason Ligon, I salute you.

  121. My, Stevo, how times have changed.

    I keed, I keed.

  122. Steven Crane,

    Unfortunately, you’re damn right. I’m twice the man I once was — not the rock-hard panther of a man I was meant to be.

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