All Right, Let's See Your Scalp

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Customs officials have busted a heroin smuggler who concealed his cargo under a toupe. Coming next month: TSA and subway cops start pulling everyone's hair.

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  1. If this involves young women pulling on each other’s hair, I’m willing to put aside my politics. Just this once.

  2. I usually “conceal” the heroin in my veins.

  3. I think the next thing to try is hiding it under a large bandage, which is covering an oozing, infected-looking wound. Let’s make these people really hate their jobs.

  4. We’re in a road movie to Berlin
    Can’t drive out the way we drove in
    So sneak out this glass of bourbon
    And we’ll gooooooooo…..

  5. You see, the WOD will be expanded to include Rogaine etc. (you could hide the stuff under your merkin, too)

    The enforcement people will be embittered bald types. Just you wait and see.

  6. Sorry,

    That is, I conceal the heroin by hiding it in my veins.

    Well, I botched that one, now didn’t I?

  7. Not a Bama – you were fine the first time!

    Re: the video clip at the link..A F’KN KILO???

    That is NOT 2.2 pounds of heroin attached to that head!! No way, no way, and no way.

    Still..too bad they didn’t get any “Before” pictures!!!

  8. Adam – probably his “I am Baldar Conehead” act caused suspicion – after all, he claims to be from france…

  9. joe, if you’re going to quote TMBG at least quote the most relevant song!

    I shouted out, free the expo ?67
    Till they stepped on my hair, and they told me I was fat
    Now I?m very big, I?m a big important man
    And the only thing that?s different is underneath my hat

    Purple toupee will show the way when summer brings you down
    (purple toupee when summer brings you down)
    Purple toupee and gold lame will turn your brain around
    (purple toupee and gold lame)

    Purple toupee is here to stay after the hair has gone away
    The purple brigade is marching from the grave

    We?re on some kind of mission
    We have an obligation
    We have to wear toupees

  10. well, Its better than storing it in your ass. Imagine anal cavity searches to get into the NYC subways. The subways would smell better for 1, just don’t look into anyone’s eyes.

  11. I won’t be surprised if they really DO start requiring passengers to run their fingers through their hair before getting on planes now. Fuck dignity–we’ve got a war on drugs to fight!

    And I wait with resignation for the aftermath of the inevitable day when al-Qaeda recruits a flat-chested female suicide bomber and fixes her up with plastic explosive breast implants.

  12. Does this mean dandruff now constitutes probable cause?

  13. Dandruff: the New Meth

  14. Coming out with New Meth is a big mistake.

    They’d do well to keep selling the old meth, under the name Classic Meth.

    Whoa. What was that?

  15. What about Crystal Meth? It’s clear. Neat!

    Or Meth Zero? Now mixed with Splenda.

  16. And I wait with resignation for the aftermath of the inevitable day when al-Qaeda recruits a flat-chested female suicide bomber and fixes her up with plastic explosive breast implants.

    As ridiculous as that may seem on the face, I’m reminded of the film “Battle of Algiers” and I’m willing to bet it’s already been done …

    I can see the new TSA commerical jingle, now

    “Gee, Your Hair Smells Suspicious!”

  17. BAI–

    The first time I ever made such a comment I MEANT it to be ridiculous. Now I mean it. Already American women are humiliated every time they have to fly, based on the unproven theory that the plane that went down in Russia was downed by two Chechen women with explosives in their bras.

  18. I don’t know, SPD, I’ve heard that artificial sweeteners are bad for you.

  19. Jennifer-

    They don’t even need implants. Just stuff the bras. And hide the detonator where the sun doesn’t shine.

    Imagine what air travel will be like in that case!

  20. That’s another fine meth you gotten us into, Jesse.

  21. BAI: “Gee, Your Hair Smells Suspicious!”

    My first LOL of the day.

  22. Jennifer, Thoreau

    The sad thing is that reasonable and rational people like all of us (cough cough) simply can’t fathom the depths of a reprobate mind. As soon as they start telling TSA people to check our breasts, assholes, tooth fillings, etc. the creatively evil mind will just come up with some new and unique place where the sun don’t normally shine.

    Which is why I guess they want to X-ray us all to death to get on a

    Unlike a lot of our fellow “let’s trade freedom for security” citizens, I draw the line at ass spreading and penile catheters …

    “Nothing comes between me and my Calvin Kleins, except my proctologist … “

  23. Okay, my fragment SHOULD have read

    “Which is why I guess they want to X-ray all of us to get on a plane.”

    My apologies, as my blogging was interrupted for some actual work …

    Speaking of “X-ray Screening”, I see people address the civil liberties issues, but never the medical consequences of x-raying frequent business travelers. Not a radiologist, but there has to be some kind of statistical consequence for getting a full body x-ray two or more times a week.

  24. BAI brings up a good point about medical safety.

    I just got out of a business meeting, and apparently I might have to fly down to DC tomorrow night. Considering how obnoxious the security was when I flew into a relatively bumfuck city last month, I shudder to think of what it will be like to try and fly into the Capital.

  25. Jennifer,

    Given how long it takes to get to the airport, get on the plane, get off the plane, pick up your luggage, and rent a car,it’s almost faster to drive to DC. At least it should be mostly harassment free.

  26. David–

    Yeah, I know. And if it were up to me I would definitely drive it–assuming decent traffic it would be about five or six hours. But it would be me, my boss and two others. So IF this thing goes through, I’ll have to fly. And since my colleagues will be with me I can’t even do my planned legal-but-annoying civil disobedience piss-off-the-checker stunts.

  27. NYC to Washington? Take the train.

  28. Joe-

    Not only is it not up to me, it’s not even up to my boss–this particular client likes handling travel arrangements himself, and it’s ALWAYS a freaking plane. We’re talking people who would fly from Boston to Northampton.

    Last-minute round-trip tickets pplus four hotel rooms will run at LEAST three thousand dollars, for a discussion that could just as easily take place via a one-hour conference call. Hell, if they just want to see our pretty faces it would be cheaper for them to just buy us all Webcams.

  29. Oh, hell, it’s official–we’re going. And we’ll arrive in DC so late, and go to our meeting so early the next day, that I won’t even have time to do anything fun.

    Unless I can develop a masochistic fondness for being mistreated by paranoid TSA agents.

  30. Jen,
    “Unless I can develop a masochistic fondness for being mistreated by paranoid TSA agents.”

    In which case I’ll be happy to play dress-up…. ; )

  31. I actually got my most thorough going-over in Missoula Montana. The checkers were so darned earnest, it was kind of cute.
    I can’t think of anything all that interesting to do in DC on a Wednesday night Jennifer. You could go out for a drink and be hit-on by interns, but not much else.

  32. I’ve had to take a few international flights to London since August of last year. Going through the line at Philly International was, I have to admit, not all that bad. It moved pretty fast considering the amount of bureaucracy involved.

  33. My apologies, as my blogging was interrupted for some actual work …

    I know, I hate it when that happens.

  34. What about Crystal Meth? It’s clear. Neat!
    Or Meth Zero? Now mixed with Splenda.

    My jokes from other threads are being stolen! Hair and Cavity searches for all!

  35. I had a friend way back when who claimed to have known a fellow who smuggled cocaine by stuffing it into the leather case he’d made to hold his passport — the same one he’d present to the customs officer.

    I don’t know what kind of psychosis that would be an example of, but I think I’d have to be up to my balls in love of money, drugs or god knows what before I’d try something like that.

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