Where's the Juice?

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Poor Congress. The House Government Committee on Reform uses the dual timeliness-hook of a controversial new best-seller and the start of the baseball season to grab headlines and wake from its usual slumber—the committee hadn't sent out a subpoena in more than a year, until it decided that "government reform" was synonymous with demanding the results of private-sector drug tests—and yet when the big day comes, the hearings are so far only available (in Los Angeles, anyway) on the impossible-to-find C-SPAN3. The cable news channels occasionally show the video of Henry Waxman's squirrel face, while interviewing their own guests. None of the local radio stations, whether all-news, all-sports, or all-boring public affairs, are carrying the proceedings. A local sports jock just asked a guest where the steroids hearings rank in importance next to the NCAA tournament and the Shaq-Kobe rematch, and the guy just laughed.

That doesn't mean our representatives aren't making prince jackasses out of themselves. Sen. Joseph Biden told Good Morning America this morning that "This is about who we are as a nation." Senator McFinger-wagger, who was praising the sport's government-pressured new drug policy a month ago, is now saying "I can reach no conclusion but that the league and the players union have misrepresented to me and to the American public the substance of MLB's new steroid policy." And Sen. Jim Bunning, who bemoans the game's alleged lack of statistical integrity, has just created a new role for Congress—deciding what should be in the baseball record book:

Players who used steroids […] their records and statistics from when they used steroids should be wiped out.

Bunning, it might be pointed out, is one of the least-qualified Hall-of-Fame pitchers in baseball history, who probably wouldn't be there at all had he not benefited from mid-'60s rule changes that heavily favored the pitcher.

UPDATE: You can watch the debacle here.

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  1. Anyone aware of anyone liveblogging the hearing? I’m at work, and can’t watch/listen.

  2. I caught some of the hearings in the background. A lot of grandstanding by the congressfolk, but no substance. The idiots just want TV time. The general lament I’ve heard about the whole issue is: “Don’t these [insert insulting reference here] have anything better to do.”

    Off topic: Civil Seizure of Assets based on “Illegal Drug Tax”
    http://www.herald-citizen.com/NF/omf.wnm/herald/news_story.html?%5Brkey=0034641+%5Bcr=gdn

  3. Bob,
    It seems espn is doing a “scorecard” here:

    http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2014564

  4. Land of the free my ass.

  5. Bunning’s Theme Song:

    Offspring – Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)

    Untem, gliben, glaussen, glauben

    Give it to me, baby, huh huh, huh huh
    Give it to me, baby, huh huh, huh huh
    Give it to me, baby, huh huh, huh huh
    And all the girlies say I?m pretty fly for a white guy

    Uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinquo, senco, ses

    You know, it?s kinda hard just to get along today
    Our subject isn?t cool, but he fakes it anyway
    He may not have a clue and he may not have style
    But everything he lacks, well, he makes up in denial

    So don?t debate, a player straight
    You know he really doesn?t get it anyway
    Gonna play the field, and keep it real
    For you, no way, for you, no way

    So if you don?t rate, just overcompensate
    At least, you?ll know you can always go on ricki lake
    The world needs wannabes
    So hey hey, do that brand new thing

    Give it to me, baby, huh huh, huh huh
    Give it to me, baby, huh huh, huh huh
    Give it to me, baby, huh huh, huh huh
    And all the girlies say I?m pretty fly for a white guy

    He needs some cool tunes, not just any will suffice
    But they didn?t have ice cube, so he bought vanilla ice
    Now cruising in his pinto, he sees homies as he pass
    But if he looks twice, they?re gonna kick his lily ass

    So don?t debate, a player straight
    You know he really doesn?t get it anyway
    Gonna play the field, and keep it real
    For you, no way, for you, no way

    So if you don?t rate, just overcompensate
    At least, you?ll know you can always go on ricki lake
    The world likes wannabes
    So hey hey, do that brand new thing

    Now, he?s getting a tattoo, yeah, he?s gettin? ink done
    He asked for a 13, but they drew a 31
    Friends say he?s trying too hard and he?s not quite hip
    But in his own mind, he?s the, he?s the dopest trip

    Give it to me, baby, huh huh, huh huh
    Give it to me, baby, huh huh, huh huh
    Give it to me, baby, huh huh, huh huh
    Uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinquo, senco, ses

    So don?t debate, a player straight
    You know he really doesn?t get it anyway
    Gonna play the field, and keep it real
    For you, no way, for you, no way

    So if you don?t rate, just overcompensate
    At least, you?ll know you can always go on ricki lake
    The world needs wannabes
    The world loves wannabes
    Let?s get some more wannabes
    And hey hey, do that brand new thing

  6. The lowering of the pitcher’s mound to 10″, and the shrinking of the strike zone (by umpires) have probably had as much effect on the game as the gas.
    The very idea of a “level playing field” for historical statiscal comparisons is utterly rediculous.

  7. Thanks for the link, Duncan.

  8. According to this guy talking ( I think “taylor’s” dad).. I guess I am an obvious steroid user. Yet I have never used. I mean I have combination skin. I sometimes get acne on my back, and my upper body is pretty big. Yet I dont even take supplements and while I used to workout, I havent even lifted since last summer. I dont even consume anyhting other than food.

    also i dont care about these kids dying. Just like that fat ass Steve Behclers family shouldnt blame ephedra because his lardass was dehydrating himself in 90+ degree weather and purposely overdosing on ephedra. Quit trying to blame other people. COngress are idiots.

    I need to tell Congress something a boss used to tell us in an old job:

    KNOW Your ROLE.

  9. Who cares about listening to/watching these hearings? March Madness has officially started!

  10. Seriously, are we surprised about Jim Bunning? He’s a f*cking freak. At the very least, he needs his medication upped. Maybe I just wanted to hold out some hope that Kentucky wouldn’t be that stupid and elect this clown. Even the Kentucky Dem party chair was optimistic, given Bunning’s erratic, paranoid behavior and bizarre comments (i.e. likening olive-complected Dem opponent Daniel Mongiardo to one of Saddam Hussein’s sons):

    “The people of Kentucky are very smart. They can put two and two together,” Bill Garmer, chairman of the Kentucky Democratic Party.

    Or not, Bill. I guess the people of Kentucky really are best served by a crusade against sports-star steroid use.

  11. Anyone know if Bunning was fond of the greenies in his day? Or are the drugs of previous eras ok?

  12. Congress gets their cookies by stirring up defecation. Come campaign time my rep willno doubt be reminding the voters that she kept Florida safe and gave the Devil rays a chance by investigating steroid use by baseball players. What a crock!

  13. The irony being that the Devil Rays can use all the steroids they can get. Nice going, Representative Dumbass.

  14. You know, i would expect this sort of nonsense from the representative of the hollywood lib group, but as a Virginian I am ashamed of Tom Davis. He doesn’t represent my district, but good god, shouldn’t he be the one having to throw out terms like, oh, hollywood lib isntead of going along with it

  15. This headline is now showing up on Yahoo!:

    Congress Suggests National Steroid Law

    Well, isn’t this the controlled substances act? If they are so f*cking concerned, why not just station DEA agents in locker rooms?

  16. Gary, don’t quit your day job. If indeed you actually have one. 🙂

  17. “Who cares about listening to/watching these hearings? March Madness has officially started!”

    Damn straight, Ben. Let the Congressional Clowns have their stupid hearings. Hopefully, they will be properly ignored and laughed at. (Hey, I can dream can’t I?)

  18. Douglas Fletcher,

    Just don’t come before my court. 🙂

  19. I don’t know about March Madness, but the Silly Season is definitely underway. Actually, I have a theory that the only reason Bunning got into the Hall Of Fame is that he looked so good compared with his early sixties Philadelphia teammates (anybody remember the Choke Of ’64?)…

  20. Oh Christ, Gary, you’re not one of those Alabama speed trap magistrates, are you?

  21. jared: I’m not asahmed of any of em, just pissed off at all of them.

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