Denny Hastert's World of the Unknown

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For those of you who missed House Speaker Dennis Hastert's hamhanded smear of George Soros yesterday, here's Lloyd Grove's account in the New York Daily News:

On "Fox News Sunday," the Illinois Republican insinuated that billionaire financier George Soros, who's funding an independent media campaign to dislodge President Bush, is getting his big bucks from shady sources. "You know, I don't know where George Soros gets his money. I don't know where—if it comes overseas or from drug groups or where it comes from," Hastert mused. An astonished Chris Wallace asked: "Excuse me?" The Speaker went on: "Well, that's what he's been for a number years—George Soros has been for legalizing drugs in this country. So, I mean, he's got a lot of ancillary interests out there." Wallace: "You think he may be getting money from the drug cartel?" Hastert: "I'm saying I don't know where groups—could be people who support this type of thing. I'm saying we don't know."

In addition to being baseless, Hastert's accusation doesn't even make sense. Drug prohibition acts as a price support and a barrier to entry; it helps the cartels maintain their market position. They're about as likely to fund a legalization campaign as they are to give Denny Hastert an all-expenses-paid vacation in Bermuda or—as long as we're throwing around groundless insinuations—a free sex tour in Thailand.

Come to think of it, there's an awful lot we "don't know" about Speaker Hastert. Readers are invited to speculate in the comments section. But please, don't levy any unsupportable charges! Stick to the things we don't know.

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  1. I don’t know if Dennis Hastert inspired Senator Santorum’s mediations on hot beagle sex. I’m saying I don’t know what – could he fucked a beagle in Rick Santorum’s living room? I’m saying we don’t know.

    It’s not often you see a professional newsie so taken aback as Chris Wallace. “Excuse me?”

  2. Ah, don’t you guys see the depth of the drug lords’ perfidy? They sponsor Soros precisely so that he can be discredited!

    But the plan only works if somebody reveals the origin of Soros’ funding. Now, I don’t know for sure that the drug lords selected Hastert as their stooge, but I’m just saying. It looks fishy, you know?

  3. I eagerly await the deafening non-chorus from the right denouncing this outrageous BS.

    It’s just this kind of nonsense that regularly has me wishing I wasn’t a news/political debate junkie.

  4. I don’t know if Hastert is gay, but I hope so!

    I shall find out one way or another at the convention parties, that’s for sure!

  5. Hastert would have done better to simply say the truth: Soros made his billions by betting against national currencies, forcing devaluations, and thus reducing the net worth of tens of millions of people at a time.

  6. Why Papaya, I never knew you were so soft-hearted about other people’s business activities.

    What other smart moves do you think businesspeople should avoid for the common good?

  7. My puppy says Hastert and Rick Santorum propositioned her one night as she walked the streets.

    But I don’t if that’s true.

    I don’t speak dog well enough to question her properly.

  8. Hastert used to coach boys wrestling. Young boys in tight outfits rolling around on mats? I’m not saying, but?

  9. Excuse me, Freddy? Did you just say that two Repblican Congressmen tried to have sex with your puppy?

  10. Unrelated to my puppy, which is rare for me today.

    Hastert would have done better to simply say the truth: Soros made his billions by betting against national currencies, forcing devaluations, and thus reducing the net worth of tens of millions of people at a time.

    No, Soros was repeatedly betting against (on) the incompetence of central government types and the inability of same to properly *manage* their own economies for the long haul. Given his background and his wherewithall, more power to him… and he didn’t cause Indonesia/Argentina, their own governments (and the brilliant advisers from the World Bank) did.

    Of course, as a business owner and net exporter, I was rooting for Soros in his widely-reported *attack* on the dollar. My top market is the UK, and I desperately wanted to see the Pound/Dollar rate at $2, cheering for currency shifts like I hadn’t since I was getting paid Yen 2000/h. as a Rappongi bartender.

    But, then, the UK doesn’t import puppy treats, to my knowledge.

  11. Excuse me, Freddy? Did you just say that two Repblican Congressmen tried to have sex with your puppy?

    I can’t know that for sure. It’s just what I heard…

  12. Well, I guess the bottom line is, we just don’t know whether the House Speaker who used to roll around on the floor with teenaged boys in tight unitards tried to have sex with your dog or not.

    I don’t think we’ll ever really have a good answer to that question.

  13. Hastert doesn’t quite look like a shim, but he could have been born a woman. Just saying.

  14. You know, I don’t know where Dennis Hastert got his sexual relief as a young man. I don’t know where — if it came from prostitutes or from the boys on the wrestling team or where it came from. I mean, he had a lot of ancillary lusts out there. I’m saying we don’t know.

  15. I don’t know when he stopped beating his wife with young men’s sweaty wrestling gear, but I certainly hope he did!

  16. From the rigid facial muscles, the thrusting bulk, the troglodytic posture, I would, speaking as a psychologist, say the Honorable Member is a closet TV with sado-masochistic (emphasis maso) tendencies.

  17. Based on his sloping brow and protruding ears, I’d say he also molests penguins to satisfy his unnatural desires to dominate and control flightless waterfowl. Now, given that anthropometry and phrenology have long since been discredited, we can’t say for sure that this is true. But I’m just saying that if I were a penguin (or maybe even a puffin!) at the zoo in Chicago I would keep aware of my surroundings.

  18. From this external link to Front Page Magazine: Soros believes he is the apostle of something he calls “the open society” under which national sovereignty is subjugated to global “democracy;” a vision that includes the borderless spread of international gun control.

    But, keep pushing drug Legalization. (Hint: can you spot the intentional miscapitalization?)

  19. Todd Fletcher: “I eagerly await the deafening non-chorus from the right denouncing this outrageous BS”

    Me too! When Dean and Wes Clark were saying/claiming whacky things like “Bush knew”, the Right was aghast at the kookiness of the mainstream Dems; now, you can’t get them to denounce the Speaker of the House for floating such nonsense (which is idiotic and devoid of logic). May be Soros is fairgame since he is involved with the “evil 527s” and all that…

    [joe]

    Bravo! I didn’t see you this hot when your guys were the idiots, but you are doing well now.

  20. Apparently character assassination is standard operating procedure for them now. Just start tossing crap and see what sticks. The nice, reassuring thing is that so far the Democratic party has not stooped as low.

  21. Hastert is a really, really unattractive woman. It’s pretty easy to see if you imagine him in a dress. Now I’ll try to stop thinking about it.

  22. Two words: “Box turtle”

    In all fairness, I don’t know for sure.

  23. Is there any truth the rumor that Dennis Hastert molested a puppy? Hopefully this information gets posted as widely as possible so we can learn the truth. We can’t have a puppyphile in the house.

  24. I know that Hastert and John Wayne Gacy are both from Illinois. I cannot say for certain that they are close friends and that Gacy has provided makeup tips and advice for Denny’s yearly cross-country trips in which he dresses as a harlequin clown and lures teenage boys into his ’78 Dodge Ram. I can only speculate on the ensuing forced sodomy and murder performed by Hastert to the soundtrack of his 8-track copy of Bachman Turner Overdrive’s Taking Care of Business.

  25. This just in: Hastert is Deep Throat. I’m not talking Watergate here, I’m talking about the movie. My source is “almost 100% positive” on this.

  26. Look, I’m not saying that I saw Denny Hastert hanging around a playground, wearing only a raincoat. I’m just saying that, since Hastert does own a raincoat, it could’ve been him. I just don’t know.

  27. WHAT IF?

    IF, WHAT?!

    WHAT?

    IF!

    WHAT!

    GOOGLE SEZ:
    “WHAT IF” – TEH IMAGE SEARCH-
    http://images.google.com/images?q=%22WHAT+IF%22&ie=UTF-8&hl=en

    “HASTERT” – THE IMAGE SEARCH-
    http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&q=HASTERT

    “HASTARD BLASTARD” – http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&q=HASTARD+BLASTARD

    “LUMBER” –
    http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&q=lumber

    TECHNOLOGY CHALLENGES YOU TO ASK THE QUESTIONS, AND THAT QUESTION: HASTARD BLASTARD AND HIS CONNECTION TO LUMBER

    WHAT IF!

    NEXT EPISODE: FLAT EARTH, [FLAT] SENATORS, OVERLY ENTHUSASTIC COLA

  28. You know, Hastert seems to know an awful lot about the drug business. Now, I don’t know where his informatin comes from, if it comes from drug lords he invites to private gay sex parties at his house or what. I mean, I really don’t know whether or not he’s sitting in his office right now doing speedballs for “research.” Someone really should check on that.

  29. Wetterau’s post just makes it worse. From the way he said it, I assumed this was an off the cuff remark. Uh-uh, this was the bastard’s media strategy – accusing a man of working with drug cartels because he disagrees with his politics.

  30. You know the urban legend about Gerbils? Well, I hear Hastert uses Dachshunds. I hear he just stuffs them up there and lets them root around inside his colon–sometimes three at a time. Of course, I don’t know that for a fact–it’s just what I heard.

  31. Seriously, though. If the drug cartels are funding anybody, it would be the most hardcore supporters of the drug war. I’d be willing to bet that Orrin Hatch, et al, get a major part of their campaign funds (knowingly or unknowingly) from laundered drug money.

  32. (Warning – shameless South Park rip off).

    I don’t know that Hastert wasn’t abducted by aliens and given an anal probe. I also don’t know that a 50 foot satellite dish won’t erupt from his anus and summon the aliens to Earth. I further don’t know that he enjoyed (or will enjoy) both immensely. I just don’t know.

    I’m still a Bush supporter – these offenses are too absurd to concern me, and don’t affect the things that are most important to me – but between this and the 527 response, all I can do his hang my head in shame. So weak.

  33. Kevin, You forgot to say, “I’m saying we don’t know.”

  34. One could conjecture that Hastert, having grown bored with dachhunds gamboling through the fauna of his digestive tract, has taken up inserting Orrin Hatch up there. One might further reason that Hatch would be entirely comfortable up there, as he has spent an inordinate amount of time up his own chute, as it were.

  35. Maybe Penn & Teller can devote an episide of “Bullshit” to Hastert’s bullshit. 🙂

  36. Well Soros had to get his money from drug dealers. Rich people who get their money legitimately are Republicans.

  37. I don’t know if Hastert has actually raped a baby robot, live on CSPAN, but that’s what I could’ve seen on the television. I don’t know if he was actually led around on the Iraqi end of a leash by Tom DeLay, and I can’t say for sure that he was naked and then urinated on the Vietnam War Memorial while laughing about the “suckers” who “died because Satan said so.” I don’t know for certain if he jacks off to a picture of the Pope nailed to the cross, but there are certainly troubling signs suggesting all of this is 100% true.

    When you think about these foul charges against Hastert, it is truly amazing that the Mainstream Media hasn’t picked up this story.

  38. Has American politics bottomed out yet? Every time I look at the news, it slips lower and lower…anything to avoid a substantive debate. Hastert is terrified at the very thought of having to defend drug policy. So this is what we get.

  39. Come to think of it, we don’t really know what Hastert and other congressmen do in those “closed session meetings. I’m not saying that they hire a dozen prostitutes and snort lines off their asses, but I’m saying we just don’t know.

  40. I heard Denny drove W’s first girlfriend to Canada for an abortion (W couldn’t make it, he was getting his varsity letter for cheerleading…or was he? 🙂

  41. My sources have dug up the little known fact that Hastert is Scott Peterson’s favorite fishing buddy. Also, Hastert’s sperm was found on Kobe Bryant’s accuser’s underwear. You didn’t hear this from me.

  42. It’s an open secret that Hastart and the late Strom Thurman were lovers. I don’t know for sure, but the word on the Washington street is that they made Gingrich get his freak on both of them to earn his Speaker of the House position back in the 90s.

  43. Denny-boy and Joey Ramone wrote Lobotomy while sniffing glue. Wonder why Joey’s dead? We just don’t know for sure, ya know?

  44. It’s possible that Hastert’s 44 bank overdrafts were to pay off the Enron stock he bought short. I can’t be sure, I’m just saying I don’t know.

  45. I’m no friend of Kerry, but this smear is outrageous and despicable. Shame on Hastert for implying such drivel.

  46. Is there anything to the rumor that the Hastert gave Schrock the phone number for the gay hook up line that Schrock called?

    I was at a dance club here in Chicago recently that is frequented by the Trannie population, and I could have sworn that I saw a “woman” who looked just like Dennie. (I think that’s what she called “herself” too.)

    I hear that Ryan had set up some group sex parties downstate here in Illinois, and that Mr. Hastert would never have missed one.

  47. “From this external link to Front Page Magazine: Soros believes he is the apostle of something he calls “the open society” under which national sovereignty is subjugated to global “democracy;” a vision that includes the borderless spread of international gun control.”

    But, keep pushing drug Legalization. (Hint: can you spot the intentional miscapitalization?)

    Comment by: The Lonewacko Blog at August 30, 2004 10:03 PM

    You all may find this shocking, but someone who has repeatedly refused to condemn Adolf Hitler for murdering more than five million Jews, even on a dare, is finding fault here with a Jewish billionaire and international financier.

    He’s an apostle of “the open society”? Oh my! Enlighten those of us who are ignorant and have credibility problems, Lone Wolf; is the Open Society Institute in some way related to the Protocols of the Elders of Zion?

  48. Even we light weights here should not be tossing dirt back into the hole Hastert is digging for himself.

  49. Of course that is all just hearsay.

    I don’t put much stock by gossip, but like Bob Dole implied when he was talking about the swiftboat folks, where there is smoke there is fire.

  50. Ruthless,

    Yes we should. Life is nothing without a sense of humor.

    Like Mr. Williams used to say. “Joke ’em if they can’t take a f..k”

  51. Hastert is an ugly woman, but not nearly as ugly as Kerry’s wife. I hated her in “Tootsie.”

  52. Hastert used the words “drug groups.” Maybe he was trying to target Soros to avoid scrutiny of his own funding. After all that’s where Hastert gets his money — $114,500 in 2003-2004. Drug groups are much more likely to support Hastert than Soros.

  53. Certain causes, certain effects, a specific SEQUENCE of events could in fact render truthful, in a model that might be based on actions and intent, the notion that Dennis welshed on a COD, leaving the UPS guy standing in the rain with a crate of 25 gauge anal beads. It could have happened. That’s all I’m saying

  54. I heard Hastert make the same allegation on Brian Lehrer’s show on
    WNYC about a week ago. The show was almost over and Lehrer didn’t
    push this particular point. It’s archived on the web here, and you
    can find the relevant portion at about 30 minutes 26 seconds:

    http://www.wnyc.org/stream/ram.py?file=raotl/bl082304c.ra

    Here’s my poor attempt at a transcription:

    Brian Lehrer: We have two minutes left. What do you think of these
    Swift Boat Veterans’ ads, and John Kerry’s calls for the President
    to denounce them?

    Speaker Hastert: Well, you’ll find out that if you look into the
    record I was against the Campaign Finance Reform Act, because that’s
    what I felt that that would happen — that you would push into guys
    like George Soros, who’s dumping in 16 or 20 million dollars. You
    really don’t know where that money comes from. You don’t know where
    it comes from from the left and you don’t know where it comes from
    on the right. It could — you know, Soros money — some of that’s
    coming from overseas. It could be drug money. We don’t know where
    it comes from.

  55. “Hastert is terrified at the very thought of having to defend drug policy. So this is what we get.”

    I don’t think it’s even occured to Hastert that he HAS to defend drug policy. From his idiotic comment that drug lords support legalization, he clealy doesn’t know squat about the issues involved.

    He’s just smearing Soros in the best way he can imagine in order to derail the Democrats, their biggest funder, and campaign finance situation that’s bad for his side.

  56. Let me be very upfront: I have no tangible “evidence” that Dennis Hastert likes to have sex with male pigs. Nor, despite the obvious proclivities to homosexual bestiality that you can read in his eyes, there’s no proof. Hastert hasn’t confessed to any of it.

    But of course he wouldn’t. That’s just the kind of thing you’d expect from a no-good slandering pigfucker like Dennis Hastert.

  57. So all those things I’ve been hearing about Dennis Hastert having sex with pigs were TRUE! Thank you, Devil’s Advocate, for validating my preconception.

    You guys don’t think I’m the Devil’s Advocate responding with a different name in a pathetic attempt to make it look like someone agrees with me? Cause I’m NOT, OK?

    That’s right, The Mascara Snake
    Fast and bulbous – tight also

  58. Devilgirl, whatever would make us think that? Well, besides the whole links pointing to the same domain. I’m just saying, I can’t be sure.

    I’m also not saying that the reason why Al Qaida operatives use so many satellite phones is because a certain J. Dennis Hastert was once on the telecommunications and finance subcommittee. I’m sure this horrifying link between a United States Congressman and the Evildoers is purely coincidental.

  59. I wouldn’t be surprised if Hastert and his Medellin buddies were sitting around this very minute, freebasing coke and laughing about how he discredited the anti-prohibitionists who threaten their black market profits. Of course, I’m not saying he is–I’M JUST SAYING WE DON’T KNOW.

  60. speaking as a reconstituted lefty, i feel strangely compelled to stick my nose in to say that this is one of the most gutbusting comment threads i can ever remember reading here. sarcasm uber alles. just sayin.

  61. There are unsubstantiated rumors that Hastert once had sex with a chicken.

    And that the chicken didn’t even notice.

    (I stole this joke from Will Durst.)

  62. hey ho. pop goes what now? the answer is my teeth.

    I am very sad because someone made fun of my teeth. will you see my teeth. will you look at my teeth and tell me i still look beautiful.

    my obsession with aesthetic relativism allows me the chance to explore my feelings and make them different by saying to everyone who is all people and not just a collection of groups of somes (sums), that taste, a word that claims the truths inherent in the egalitarian, but suffering from (it’s just a matter of taste)truth denial.

    so you see, i need your help. help me convince myself that truth is opinion.

    10: goto popgoeslethal.com, but /mrstrauss it and push my mouth with intent to pursue data.

    20: please. its my only hope.

  63. Was Denny Hastert caught on video having his prostate milked in an Iowa cornfield? Is it true that he recently hired a Somali transexual to glove up, reach in and “assist?” Perhaps it’s coincidental that the Corn Cam at iowafarmer.com was down at the very moment when Speaker Hastert might have been engaged in what some have described as “Denny’s little thing.”

    These are important questions and the American people deserve an honest, unflinching answer, but for the time being, we simply do not know.

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