Racing for the Good of All Mankind

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The Agitator points to a marvelously on-point Onion satire about a scientist seeking to "cure" obesity.

"We used to think obesity was a condition that only affected people with glandular problems, but health officials are now seeing just how widespread the epidemic is," Hampton said. "There's a myth that obese people don't want to change. They do?they just lack the information about how to do it quickly and easily."

Kim's research team has explored preventative measures.

"It would be wonderful if we could find some way to prevent individuals from getting this horrible condition in the first place, perhaps with something akin to a vaccine or a flu shot," Kim said. "We've pursued every avenue?pills, topical creams, nutritional shakes, even holistic cures like vitamin regimens and massage?but nothing has worked."

While others might have been discouraged by failure, Kim has intensified his efforts.

"I'm in the lab day and night," Kim said. "The other researchers will say 'Come have dinner with us,' but I'm so busy that I have to just grab some yogurt from the vending machine. I'm just too busy running over to the research facility on the west side of campus or carrying samples to the lab up on the fourth floor. I've lost 20 pounds since starting this project in January."

Even though he expressed concern about his recent weight loss, Kim said he will continue his work unabated.

NEXT: CAPPS II in the Crapper

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  1. >>Even though he expressed concern about his recent weight loss, Kim said he will continue his work unabated

    The solution to obesity is to become an overworked researcher.

  2. The Onion runs parody articles like this a few times a year. Typically, I recall that they’d try to work the phrase “fat fucks” into their stories. It’s disappointing they didn’t use “fat fucks” this time.

    In all seriousness, though, some people are fat largely because they’re far hungrier than most skinny people.

  3. Julian, is that a sly reference to the Flaming Lips in your headline??

  4. Yep; I’ve got to meet my weekly pop-culture-reference quota.

  5. Extra bonus points if you can find a way to work in either “Rainin’ Babies” or “Should We Keep The Severed Head Alive?”

    I used to be fat. Postcollegiate poverty and an endless diet of lentils took care of that. Maybe we should send all the fat people to college!

  6. In all seriousness, though, some people are fat largely because they’re far hungrier than most skinny people.

    They’re fat because they eat more than skinny people. If they were hungry more often than skinny people, they’d probably be getting thinner.

  7. On the subject of science in the Onion:

    http://premium.theonion.com/news/index.php?id=332

    (premium content only, I’m afraid)

    I also enjoyed “Hershey’s ordered to pay obese Americans $135 billion.” (also premium content only, I’m afraid)

  8. “Lentils are reeeeeally good… No matter how many times you have them, they never get boring.”

  9. A couple of days ago I saw a news article explaining that the food pyramid is to be revamped, because Americans apparently “don’t know” how to eat in a way that will prevent them from getting fat.

    A legitimate news article, not an Onion parody.

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