How the Grimace Got His Groove Back

In one more sign that America is no longer the home of the brave or the land of the free, McDonald's has announced a line healthy, adult "happy meals" that come with salad, bottled water, a pedometer, and syrup of ipecac. And somewhere the Grimace is crying salty, syrupy tears as he forces down the last legal McGriddle sandwich in this once-sweet-now-sour land of liberty.

From a Reuters account:

The company said it will launch the "Go Active" meals for adults on May 6 nationwide. The meals will be boxed with a brochure urging customers to walk more….

"It's the right thing for our customers … and it's good for our business," Mike Roberts, head of McDonald's U.S. business, said of the new campaign.

Shares of McDonald's fell 7 cents to close at $26.93 on the New York Stock Exchange.

While shareholders cringe, multi-chinned Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson has given the burger-meisters a big greasy thumbs up, saying, "It's important to recognize companies doing the right thing."

Food mullahs like Michael Jacobson of Center for Science in the Public Interest are predictably non-plussed. He told Reuters, "The company's small steps seem more designed to forestall the big steps the government should be taking to prevent obesity and heart disease."

Rounding up the McDonaldland characters for show trials and forced fitness regimens would be a good start. Mayor McCheese and Big Mac may claim they were only following orders, but we all know they were giving as well as taking. The Grimace is a natural for an Extreme Makeover (lipo, chin implant, DaVinci veneers, weight training, the whole nine yards). And Ronald McDonald, like Mel Gibson's Jesus, should pay for all of our dietary sins: Hey clown, all your good works are like rags in a fire compared to the obesity epidemic you unloosed on America; get ready to spend eternity in hell's own fry vat.