The Onion Satirizes Police Brutality

not the onionscreencapThe satirical newspaper The Onion took a crack at police brutality with a story headlined "New Law Enforcement Robot Can Wield Excessive Force Of 5 Human Officers." A handful of the new robots can do the work of a whole precinct:

The tactical robotic units, known as the AP-12, are reportedly equipped with on-board mechanisms to target both criminals and innocent bystanders, and possess a variety of retractable instruments that allow them to effortlessly subdue and restrain up to four individuals at once. According to sources, just a dozen of the new robots will be able to collectively carry out the physical and psychological abuse typically spread out amongst the officers of an entire precinct.

The robo-cop's got furtive movements down:

"In many ways, these robots' actions are indistinguishable from those of our brave men and women in uniform," McClintock added.

According to its designers, the AP-12 is outfitted with numerous features that make it ideal for abruptly resorting to extreme measures, including a highly sensitive motion detector that perceives most gestures as an act of resistance necessitating physical force.

And panic firing:

Engineers say the robot is also equipped with a sophisticated audio command program that recognizes and subsequently ignores such phrases as "Stop" and "I give up" and is programmed to apply pressure to a prostrate suspect's neck with a force of up to 500 PSI both before and after he's stopped moving. Its operating system is also reportedly loaded with advanced visual recognition software that allows the robot to identify nearly any object in the subject's hand as a weapon, prompting it to rapidly empty the clip on its extendable .40-caliber firearm.

And for those good cops worried about bad apples, the robot cop won't let itself be made out into one:

After doing so, the machine is configured to automatically place a pistol on or near the disabled suspect while wirelessly corroborating fabricated details of the confrontation with any other on-scene units well ahead of a potential internal affairs investigation.

Read about the rest of the features here, and Reason on the actual incidences of police brutality that make this the best kind of satire, believable, here.

h/t Jason J.

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  • Virginian||

  • DEATFBIRSECIA||

  • Ken Shultz||

    "Engineers say the robot is also equipped with a sophisticated audio command program that recognizes and subsequently ignores such phrases as “Stop” and “I give up” and is programmed to apply pressure to a prostrate suspect’s neck with a force of up to 500 PSI both before and after he’s stopped moving."

    To be complete, after you stop moving, it needs to keep screaming "Stop resisting! Stop resisting!", the whole time.

  • Scarecrow Repair||

    AP-13.

  • Sevo||

    "To be complete, after you stop moving, it needs to keep screaming "Stop resisting! Stop resisting!", the whole time."

    It'll be the first upgrade.

  • Paul.||

    Yet they're fine with cameras.

  • Grand Moff Serious Man||

    Like the police unions would ever allow for such a labor saving device to come in and take their jobs.

  • mr lizard||

    But how do you put it on paid vacation?

  • pan fried wylie||

    Dip stwiches, duh.

  • Virginian||

    http://www.stltoday.com/news/l.....ecf65.html

    Cops doing some good. 30 Thompson SMGs to be auctioned off in order to fund new sidearm purchase. Of course knowing cops they're probably rusted junk, but hey it's a Thompson.

  • Wasteland Wanderer||

    As long as the receiver is salvageble; it's the part that's registered, and as such is the only truely important piece. Everything else can be replaced.

  • shamalam||

    I don't get it. Why would the po-po be poor and have to sell of ASSAULT WEAPONS? Why not just arrange some juicy civil asset forfeitures?

  • Virginian||

    http://lagniappeslair.blogspot.....-they.html

    Those idiots at Open Carry Texas are at it again.

  • ||

    I haven't personally seen these idiots, but most of the "demonstrations" have been up here in the Dallas area. I wonder what the likelihood of a false flag operation really is. Especially since the Dems are actively trying to turn us Blue.

  • Virginian||

    I really would like to believe these morons are running a false flag operation, but I don't think they are. One of the issues with the incredible expansion of gun ownership is that a lot of new gun owners are just plain knuckleheads who don't know the rules.

    They're leaving loaded weapons laying around. You don't do that, ever.

  • ||

    I don't own a gun and even I know that.

  • mr simple||

    There's a reason most people don't carry long guns when they go to restaurants They're clearly blowhards that want all of the rights and none of the responsibilities.

    Oh, there I go again, wanting government to impose new rights and duties like an anti-libertarian.
    /Smacky

  • Virginian||

    Yeah, they're morons. A sidearm is something everyone should carry with them everywhere they go. A long arm requires more circumspection. I have stuff I carry, and stuff that's in the trunk of my car. A long gun is definitely trunk stuff.

  • robc||

    Long guns belong in the gun rack in the back window, like God intended.

  • Virginian||

    My next car will be a pickup. Until then, the long gun goes in the trunk.

  • Marty Feldman's Eyes||

    Although maybe you're being sarcastic, I never understood this. We always had the gun rack behind the seat in the truck. There are people who take more care with theft deterrence when it comes to shopping bags and car stereos than with rifles and shotguns.

  • Anon E. Mouse||

    Because in most states, having a firearm in a vehicle passenger compartment hidden out of sight, is a felony (concealed weapon).

  • croaker||

    Then change the law to allow it.

    This is why OCT is carrying long guns, because it is *still* illegal to open carry a sidearm. Concealed carry with a permit is all that is allowed.

  • Francisco d'Anconia||

    Yet, despite their gross incompetence, no one was killed.

  • Virginian||

    If they keep this shit up, it's only a matter of time. Pictures from last week showed them holding loaded rifles in a Chipotle, fingers all over the trigger guard.

    One negligent discharge could undo years of patient outreach. These idiots are going to give Bloomberg and Co. an opening if they keep this up.

  • wwhorton||

    This kind of shit plays right into the hands of Progressives. Progressivism presupposes that people will only act responsibly if forced to do so by the government. One of the major arguments made by 2nd Amendment supporters--aside from the basic Constitutional argument--is that responsible gun owners are the majority of gun owners and can be trusted to handle firearms safely.

    Then these stupid rednecks saunter into a Denny's with two rifles apiece, safeties off, and prove the Progressives' point. The fuckin' idea, geniuses, is that responsible adults can act in ways which are consistent both with personal liberty AND consideration for those around them.

  • John||

    Like many things in the Onion this is too accurate to be funny.

  • Notorious G.K.C.||

    And on a literary criticism angle, just the headline would be enough. I mean, several paragraphs basically repeating the same joke?

  • Fluffy||

    I found it enjoyable to see if the writer would successfully hit all the bases, or would miss something.

    As Ken noted, they missed "Stop resisting!"

    I would add that they missed, "Procedures were followed."

    They might also have included a Spokesperson Robot who could issue a press release after each incident announcing that numerous bug fixes were made. (This is the robo-version of "Some of our officers need additional training.")

  • ||

    "The robot has passed the Turing Test in the passive voice."

  • John||

    The also forgot there being a robot union and paid leave for any robot that brutalizes someone.

  • mr simple||

    I i agine the union would block newer models from forcing the older models out.

  • mr simple||

    Add an m as necessary.

  • Francisco d'Anconia||

    Needed a dog shooting bit.

  • Pope Jimbo||

    And the spokesrobot would refuse to release the serial number of the copbot involved in the latest dustup due to unit safety.

  • ||

    That's always been their thing, they are like an SNL skit in that way.

  • mr simple||

    Exactly; well said.

  • robc||

    They will still never top "Smells Like Splattered Brains" the week after Cobain died.

    No story went with that, it was enough.

  • Cyto||

    I dunno. I thought their 9-11 response was pretty brilliant.

    Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell

    and

    God Angrily Clarifies Don't Kill Rule

  • Trials and Trippelations||

    I passed through a DUI checkpoint as they were setting up last night. It was the first one I ever saw, and had a terrible set up.

    It was 3 blocks after a stop light, and 2 blocks before an entrance ramp to a highway. You could easily see the flashing billboard from the stop light and turn left or right to avoid it. If for some reason you didn't detour you had three opportunities before the cone corridor to turn left or right into 2 shopping centers.

    So cops aren't even trying to pretend that these are for public safety anymore, but only as a massive overtime cash cow (There were at least 20 cops milling about when I passed through)?

  • Virginian||

    Pretty sure turning to avoid one is a grounds for stopping you. Wouldn't be surprising if they made them easy to avoid on purpose.

  • R C Dean||

    Doing a U-turn, maybe. Turning into a side street or parking lot? I don't think so. Or at least it shouldn't be.

  • Virginian||

    Or at least it shouldn't be.

    There's a lot that shouldn't be that happens anyway.

  • Wasteland Wanderer||

    Turning into a side street or parking lot? I don't think so.

    I got pulled over for doing exactly that. I wasn't even really trying to avoid the checkpoint; I had to turn there in order to get to my house.

  • Trials and Trippelations||

    I know they try to get evaders.
    I can speak from experience turning left or right at the stoplight was not patrolled.

    I suppose some cops could've hid in the shopping centers. Although the centers were still 2 blocks from the actual cop interrogating the motorists.

  • ||

    There's one in my area fairly frequently where it's a similar setup: long stretch where you can see traffic backed up for a while and plenty of places to turn. I've never had a problem, but I've never gotten too close to it either.

  • wwhorton||

    In my town the cops are legally required to announce any DUI checkpoints at least one day prior in the local paper, and possibly even on their website. And they have to position the roadblock in such a way that a driver can avoid it by taking a different road. I got this information from a cop neighbor of mine, so I'm reasonably certain that it's legit. Maybe it's to do with entrapment or something?

  • croaker||

    It does.

    One overly bright police department about fifteen years ago went to a highway and put up a "Drug Checkpoint 1 Mile" sign and then stopped and searched everyone who hit the exit ramp. Got their assholes widened by a federal court.

  • John||

    Politico is reporting that Obama has told people that the Republicans taking the Senate in November will make the last to years of his presidency "unbearable or him". If there is a better endorsement for Republican senate candidates, I haven't heard it.

  • Fluffy||

    Maybe the fucker will quit.

    Turn off the AC at the White House and see if he cramps up. That oughta do it.

  • John||

    Put a rider on the next secret service appropriate bill making it illegal for them to provide security during a round of golf. Cut off his golf game and he wouldn't last a week.

    In all seriousness quiting would be something he might do

  • Francisco d'Anconia||

    Or just impeach him.

  • John||

    That too.

  • Francisco d'Anconia||

    Seriously. How many times has this pig fucker definitely broken the law (and/or violated the Constitution)? Half a dozen?

    The two party system means never having to worry about breaking the law.

  • Francisco d'Anconia||

    ...er

    definitely defiantly broken the law?

    I should read what the spell checker actually says before clicking it.

  • PatriotInTheOriginalSense||

    definitely defiantly broken the law?

    The spell checker is designed to be used by idiot Americans, so that's probably the first time someone using it has typed "defiantly" and not mean "definitely".

  • gaoxiaen||

    You left the "l" out of "quilting".

  • Francisco d'Anconia||

    That's what I was thinking. He can always quit.

    Joe might be worse, but I'm not sure how. At least he'd be a comical moron.

  • Rev-Match||

    Joe might be worse, but I'm not sure how. At least he'd be a comical moron.

    Plus, you could actually criticize him w/o being called a racist.

  • mr simple||

    Wait, is this racist?

  • Irish||

    Politico is reporting that Obama has told people that the Republicans taking the Senate in November will make the last to years of his presidency "unbearable or him".

    Yes, it's all about you, isn't it?

  • ||

    I'm hoping this will push him over the edge into publicly stating how the American people don't deserve him.

  • Pathogen||

    As he orders the Berlin DC subway tunnels flooded, drowning all the occupants..

  • ||

    When hasn't it been?

  • Libertarian||

    I'm sure this has already been said here in the last few days, but it can't be emphasized enough: I'm impressed with that guy in Seattle who subdued the shooter with nothing but pepper spray and cojones.

    I will never forget the news footage of all the cops in that Virginia shooting a few years ago, armed to the teeth, creeping around buildings, and smothered in kevlar, as students and faculty fended for themselves.

  • Brian D||

    Or the uniformed idiots running around killing random civilians in their mad hunt for Christopher Dorner.

  • PatriotInTheOriginalSense||

    Pepper spray? On campus?

    That student must be expelled and arrested. Zero tolerance, you know.

  • sasob||

    After doing so, the machine is configured to automatically place a pistol on or near the disabled suspect while wirelessly corroborating fabricated details of the confrontation with any other on-scene units well ahead of a potential internal affairs investigation.

    Comes complete with throw down gun? Impressive.

  • Marty Feldman's Eyes||

    and is programmed to apply pressure to a prostrate suspect's neck with a force of up to 500 PSI

    "Finally! Something that will give the Chokebot a run for its money! Now where do I go to get arrested?"
    -Cheryl Tunt

  • PatriotInTheOriginalSense||

    AP-14 will include a portable printer so that press reports may be issued at the scene:

    Procedures were followed. All units returned safely to their charging stations.

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