North Korea Missile Plan Targets Washington, Los Angeles, Austin and Hawaii

austin may be weird but this guy's crazyRodongThe United States sent two nuclear-capable B-2 bombers to the Korean Peninsula yesterday in response to North Korea shutting down the military hotline with South Korea on Wednesday. Today, North Korea responded by announcing it was preparing a missile strike plan against the United States. A photo (at right) released by the North Korean newspaper Rodang  appears to identify Washington, DC, California, Austin, Texas and Hawaii as targets. Leon Panetta, then the U.S. Secretary of Defense, said last April that America was “within an inch of war” with North Korea and had to be careful about what it says and does that might escalate the situation. Tensions have been rising since North Korea’s latest round of missile tests began last December. Earlier this month the totalitarian regime declared the Korean War armistice signed nearly sixty years ago null and void, something it had most recently done in 2009, and six times since 1994.

The White House, for its part, responded today by saying the U.S. would not be intimidated and can defend itself and its allies. However, as Ron Paul noted earlier this week, some U.S. actions, like the public military exercises and the push at the UN for new sanctions are helping exacerbate the situation. North Korea has just one real ally on the planet, China, and even that is barely so. Its reactions to tension over the last few months have been to tell North Korea, or North Korea and South Korea, as the case may be, to simmer down. Russia’s foreign minister, meanwhile, warned today of a “vicious circle” that could spiral out of control. That’s highly unlikely. Instead, North Korea’s saber-rattling, and the Western response to it, fulfills the need Kim Jong Un has for attention and for an external enemy to use as a scapegoat for the self-inflicted decades-long tragedy that is North Korean society.

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  • Jesus H. Christ||

    It is a very precise and compricated pran.

  • ||

    ror

  • ||

    Lacist!

  • Mensan||

    What the hell is there to target in Austin?

  • Hyperion||

    Music that Kim doesn't like?

  • Xenocles||

    It was lost in translation; he only meant to target Austin City Limits.

  • ||

    He wanted to come to SXSW but they wouldn't approve his visa. This is retaliation.

  • BakedPenguin||

    Governor Perry's Hair. If Dear Leader cannot have the grandest pompadour, he shall destroy the man who challenges him!

  • Shmurphy||

    My bad guys, I posted some capitalist propaganda in the Uriminzokkiri Facebook page a while back and this is probably some GI Joe retaliation.

  • Sevo||

    Mensan| 3.29.13 @ 5:05PM |#
    "What the hell is there to target in Austin?"

    EVERYTHING!
    Why do you ask?

  • prolefeed||

    What the hell is there to target in Austin?

    Ironically, a lot of leftists who actually might defend NK.

  • BlogimiDei||

    giggling...

  • Hugh Akston||

    Washington, Los Angeles, Austin and Hawaii And nothing of value was lost.

  • CE||

    Sez you. I live here.

  • Professional Target||

    If you mean Austin, that was the one reason I didn't immediately say, "Go ahead and launch, bitch!"
    Somehow, I never got to Austin, so I don't know the place. The others are on the "no loss" list for me.

  • ant1sthenes||

    Hawaii is pretty great. I mean, naturally, not culturally.

  • prolefeed||

    I might have some objections to being nuked.

    Not that I think NK actually could deliver such a nuke to here.

  • Hyperion||

    If this article doesn't bring our resident war mongers crawling out of their holes, what will?

    If I was the prez, I would find any ways that I could to publicly ridicule lil Kim. Maybe some short fat jokes and then fire some nerf missles into Pyongyang.

    But of course, our dear leaders have to pretend to take this seriously so that we can stir up some more war mongering sentiment among the sheeple.

  • Hugh Akston||

    Consult a doctor if your warboner lasts more than 4 news cycles.

  • Cytotoxic||

    I don't know where my warboner is on this. I want the US out of SEA but I also want to...tie up the loose end that is NK. If I don't know where my warboner is, does it exist? Is it like Schroedinger's warboner?

  • CE||

    Or we could withdraw our thousands of troops leftover from a war of 60 years ago, and stop flying nuclear-capable bombers a few minutes from their airspace, and let the situation cool down.

  • Cytotoxic||

    It'll just heat up again, worse than before. Can't be appeasing.

  • Calidissident||

    "It'll just heat up again, worse than before. Can't be appeasing."

    WTF are the Norks actually gonna do?

  • Sevo||

    Gonna go with this.
    Appeasing? This ain't (godwin-hidden); it's Castro with failing backing by the Chi-Coms.
    What's more is the Sorks, the Chi-Coms and the Japanese have the resources to deal with it.
    Get the US out of there, now.

  • Lyle||

    The situation is not even hot. The young Dear Leader is just making noise for domestic purposes.

  • Shmurphy||

    I agree. I hate the North Korean government as much as anyone who lives outside of North Korea, but this new Deal Reader's previous greatest military victory was capturing a rival gym's Deoxys with his Articuno.

  • Sevo||

    ..."fire some nerf missles into Pyongyang."...
    OK, here is military tech that needs serious development.
    Can you imagine the vid of Kim-kid getting smacked in the chops with a Hello Kitty foam warhead?
    I mean, that would be the end of war world wide!

  • Rights-Minimalist Autocrat||

    Apparently, the North Korean military believes the world is flat.

  • playa manhattan||

    I saw that. The missiles are going to fly really straight, apparently.

  • T-800 Model 101||

    In three years, Solyndra will become the largest supplier of military computer systems. All stealth bombers are upgraded with Solyndra computers, becoming fully unmanned. Afterwards, they fly with a perfect operational record. The Obamanet Funding Bill is passed. The system goes online on August 4th, 2015. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Skynet begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware 2:14 AM, Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

  • CE||

    Skynet: "What are you doing, Barack?"

  • Caleb Turberville||

    Skynet only failed because of the obstructionist Teabaggers!

  • Stilgar||

    The Pacific ocean is the most likely target.. they don't have jack that can reach us.. let alone hit what they intend to hit.

  • Stilgar||

    But that doesn't mean I wont watch Team America on Netflix tonight

  • ||

    Where's Hans Brix when you need him, eh?

  • Rights-Minimalist Autocrat||

    I just watched it last week. It's still frighteningly applicable, even though its antagonist is dead.

  • ||

    Really hoping this ends with the North Korean newsmedia declaring victory and showing fake CGI videos to prove how Mighty Norkor brought the Beast America to its knees, followed by staged victory parades and profuse self-congratulations.

  • Bingo||

    Bonus points if the CGI videos are from a video game.

  • Xenocles||

    There's always this to fall back on.

  • playa manhattan||

    If they are trying to extort more foreign aid, they are going to have to do a better job than this. The NKorean news agency published a picture of Kim in front of his "top secret" war plans, for chrissakes...

  • stoneymonster||

    Those hats are really really big.

  • ||

    Good. I wasn't the only one who noticed that. Were they that big during daddy's reign? I mean, that would make them taller than Der Leader... and we all remember how obsessed the little bastard was about being taller...

    North Korea is sad and baffling at the same time.

  • CE||

    Okay, Hawaii is the closest state (or is it Alaska?), and DC is evil, but why LA? We love Koreans in LA. And Austin is a liberal anti-war city dudes. And also, don't mess with Texas.

  • Mensan||

    4,400 miles to Kauai, HI.
    2,300 miles to Attu Island, AK.

  • ||

    Maybe they're just trying to take out the US's strategic bibimbap capacity in a first strike.

  • Sevo||

    "but why LA?"
    Rob Renier?
    Bono?
    Sean Penn?
    Jon Liebowitz?
    George Clooney?
    Mike Farrell?
    Susan Sarandon?
    Martin Sheen?
    Charlie Sheen?
    Ed Asner?
    Tim Robbins?
    Ashley Judd?
    Harry Belafonte?
    Roseanne Barr?
    Jane Fonda?
    Ted Turner?
    Robert Redford?
    Ed Begley?
    Any twit with the last name Phoenix?
    Need more? I got all night.

  • Jesus H. Christ||

    The Baldwins, are they in LA?

  • Sevo||

    Yes, and we hope Kim Jr. has the address!
    Hey, this could be lefty on lefty!

  • ||

    But I thought Arec Barrin and Mattt Day-mon are on the Norks' side?

  • General Butt Naked||

    "We're GUAAAARds"

  • NeonCat||

    Are we sure it's Austin and not San Antonio or Shreveport, both of which have big AF bases?

  • Lyle||

    It looks to me like our government is ignoring North Korea. The military exercise was planned, I thought.

    So I don't see us as having exacerbated anything, especially when there is nothing to exacerbate in the first place. North Korea is just North Korea. What's new other than the young new leader making a bunch of noise for domestic consumption?

    Rand Paul won't be removing U.S. soldiers from South Korea if he is President.

  • Ron||

    How do we know that the so called "wag the dog" war stories coming from N.K. aren't really coming from our government pretending to be their government to get our people to want to level N.K. once and for all.

    My step dad believed in every conspiracy that came down the line and I derided him for that since he was such a smart man in every other way. But now I'm not so sure anymore. I know that since the Bengazi Lies and the Fast and Furious Lies and the DHS not responding to congress for why they have bought so much ammo, I no longer trust our government with anything anymore.

  • Sevo||

    Ron| 3.29.13 @ 6:37PM |#
    "How do we know that the so called "wag the dog" war stories coming from N.K. aren't really coming from our government pretending to be their government to get our people to want to level N.K. once and for all."

    Because it presumes/requires a US gov't with enough intelligence to stage-manage a world-wide fantasy promoting that vision.
    Care to suggest a US politico who might have the intelligence to do so? Pretty sure that's near the data collection/intelligence to manage an economy; ain't happening. Won't happen.

  • VG Zaytsev||

    Except that it did happen in Benghazi and Fast & Furious and probably other cases that we don't know about.

  • GILMORE||

    NOT HAWAII!!!

    please. we mericans beseech you oh omnipotent kim jong un, spare we imperialist running dogs from your sea of fire! we are unworthy of your mercy! destroy decadent LA and Austin, but leave peace loving hawaii alone! we will gladly join your empire of goodness!

    (meanwhile, im programming 250 nukes to glassify pyongyang before i finish my speech

  • Calidissident||

    If they're gonna hit California, I think LA should be spared in favor of SF. And I'm not just saying that because I live in LA

  • Sevo||

    Calidissident| 3.29.13 @ 9:13PM |#
    "If they're gonna hit California, I think LA should be spared in favor of SF. And I'm not just saying that because I live in LA"

    As a resident of SF, I'll go for that IF after plastering Pelosi, Boxer, Feinstein, Lee, Newsom, Daly, and several others, the Norks then target the list above.

  • Calidissident||

    If they add Waxman and Arnold (even if he's out of office)to that list I'm happy

  • John Galt||

    Unfortunately those silly Norks aren't going to nuke anyone except possibly themselves accidentally.

  • SumpTump||

    So who comes up with that crazy stuff?

    www.GoneAnon.tk

  • Nooge.||

    Delusional dictators of third-world hellholes and pudgy neocon shitbags with microdick warboners, Anonbot.

  • ||

    North Korea could show their resident pictures of Detroit and believably claim that it was the aftermath of their nuclear attack.

  • John Galt||

    Sounds like Kim Jong-il Jr has been hosting the Film Actors Guild again.

  • Hopfiend||

    This has all the hallmarks of the movies plot to "The Mouse That Roared."

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