Let Your Kids Eat Poisoned Halloween Candy. And Take Pictures!

Just kidding. Don't let your children eat poisoned candy. That will be easy, though, since there has never been a documented instance of strangers giving kids poisoned candy on Halloween. Seriously. There are no verified incidents of poisoned candy, and no reported serious injuries from razor blades, pins, or needles in candy despite at five decades worth of annual scare stories.

So this year, why not let your kids eat their candy without inspecting it first? Heck, encourage them to eat those candy apples and popcorn balls—assuming there is even anyone left in your neighborhood who hands those things out—while they're trick-or-treating? 

Kids shouldn't eat raisins or fresh fruit, of course. Those "treats" are not poisoned either, they just suck.

Let the little ones settle in for some fun holiday enjoyment free from unnecessary fearmongering. With a little luck, legislatures and law enforcement might even follow your lead and relax, instead of using All Hallows' Eve to put additional restrictions on sex offenders, contact lens manufacturers, and just about everybody else. 

Lenore Skenazy of the Free-Range Kids blog has a great idea: Take a picture of your kid chowing down on that homemade pumpkin cookie from a neighbor and send it her at heylenore3@gmail.com. She'll put together a slide show designed to encourage people to chill out and enjoy Halloween a little more next year.

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  • sarcasmic||

    I know I'll be checking the kid's loot only so I can steal the good stuff.

  • Whiterun Guard||

    I always like Easter a little better. Especially on like the Wednesday after easter, when you're like, "Looks like I'll have to eat the purple and white jelly beans, but at least I'm still eating candy."

    Then on Friday "OK black jelly beans, it's just me and you. Let's do this thing."

  • sarcasmic||

    You can have my jelly beans. No thanks. Never liked the things.

  • ||

    You eat the black jelly beans last?

    RACIST!

  • Whiterun Guard||

    I thought not eating them was racist. That was the main reason I was forcing myself to eat them!

  • Jack the Reaper||

    + Affirmative Action

  • The Hammer||

    You can have Easter. Nobody has atomic warheads on Easter.

  • $park¥||

    Of course this is the reason that all candy gets checked at my house.

  • Night Elf Mohawk||

    "Look, I'm sorry, but you never know what someone may have put in these Peanut Butter Cups. But, whatever it was, I'm sure it was dosed for children, so I'll be fine."

  • robc||

    I always buy the candy I want and hope for zero to few kids stopping by.

  • R C Dean||

    I find that tying the dogs to the front porch enhances candy retention.

  • ||

    I turn all the lights out. Seems to work.

  • Robert||

    Not me. I wait until after Halloween to shop the clearance bins at Rite Aid. Even better was after Easter this year; wait long enough and the candies are squished but almost free.

    I usually give out samples of my bath foam, but not this year.

  • Robert||

    Coincidentally, in the ads on the right is one by the Ad Council y EPA saying, "Dry off tub toys and the bath area to prevent mildew." This is really a come-down in nannyism by both the Ad Council y EPA; it's as if the Partnership for a Drug-Free America were now saying to cap aspirin bottles tightly and store in a dry place.

  • BakedPenguin||

    "Butterfingers are only bought by maniacs. It's just a fact."

  • Whiterun Guard||

    What are you going as, KMW?

    Please say nurse, please say nurse...

  • $park¥||

    Let the little ones settle in for some fun holiday enjoyment free from unnecessary fearmongering.

    How can you expect them to get used to overbearing controls put on them unless you start early? Besides, isn't there a storm coming?

  • Hugh Akston||

    Only for people in the already-terrible part of the country.

  • $park¥||

    Also, it makes me sad that people don't understand the spirit of Halloween anymore.

  • Ice Nine||

    Really. The blank looks I get from kids holding out bags to receive candy when I ask them what is their trick for the treat, annoys the hell out of me.

  • Brett L||

    I tried to burn a man in a wicker cage last year...

  • The Late P Brooks||

    Any kid tough enough to make it to my house on halloween gets a beer.

  • Rich||

    I know somebody who passes out condoms to the teenagers.

  • Brett L||

    On the flip-side, I dated a girl in HS whose dad and stepmom passed out crosses. Somehow they each made sure I got one that Halloween.

  • ||

    Did you bang their daughter?

  • Brett L||

    Nah. I didn't know how to close back then. I wish though. She was cute then at 15. When she was 20, she was incredible.

  • B.P.||

    For me it's candy cigarettes. I like to imagine the horror on the faces of the parents in my yuppie neighborhood when little Kayden dumps out his candy bag. I also give out airplane bottles of booze to the parents.

  • Jordan||

    Candy cigarettes are still available? I thought nanny-state assholes had vanquished them. And WTF is up with suburbanites and dumbass names like Kayden.

  • SugarFree||

  • ||

    Are Kayden's cheaper by the dozen?

  • ||

    Oh inappropriate apostrophe, how you taunt me.

  • Lord Humungus||

    The only thing I ever liked about Halloween were the college parties. Normally shy people in costume suddenly became er, more outgoing.

  • ||

    All the girls get to dress like complete sluts, and nobody can say anything about it.

  • robc||

    We still say things about it.

  • Brett L||

    Best costume I've seen on an adult so far this year was the green beauty queen from Beetlejuice. Although there was a goddess who was a close second.

  • EDG reppin' LBC||

    The wife and I went to Las Vegas for the weekend. On Saturday night, we went to the Fetish + Fantasy Ball at the Hard Rock. It was a sea of cuties, all in various stages of undress. Plus, add in alcohol. Fun night.

    Plus, I made a small fortune on Ohio State. Life is good.

  • sarcasmic||

    I would credit the alcohol more than the costumes.

  • rts||

    There has been exactly one documented case of a child being directly poisoned by Halloween candy, Carroll said. In 1974, an 8-year-old died after sucking on a Pixy Stix laced with cyanide. But the poisoner was not some mysterious Grim Reaper posing as a harmless neighbor. Nope, it was good ol' Dad.

    Poisoned Halloween Candy: Trick, Treat or Myth?

  • ||

    Amoung other things trick-or-treating has turned into a non-scary daylight activity performed with the accompaniment of parents. Children are ushered in as soon as the sun starts to set. Letting children run around at night, unaccompanied? Unthinkable.

    When I was gorwing up in Canada this would sound insane, and impossible. The sun would set at 4:30 PM in winter, so trick or treating in the dark was inevitable. We'd put on snow pants and do it as a pack in 3-foot snow drifts. Everyone dressed as an eskimo.

  • The Hammer||

    Isn't Canadian Halloween in like August?

  • SIV||

    Take a picture of your kid chowing down on that homemade pumpkin cookie from a neighbor

    What? and incur the wrath of DCS/CPS?

  • robc||

    Friend of mine said he always wanted to go to the grocery on halloween morning and buy a bag of apples and a box of razor blades and NOTHING ELSE. Just to see the reaction.

    But he didnt have the guts to do it.

  • ||

    You know what would be fun? To make candy shaped like razor blades stuck in apples.

  • WTF||

    But he didnt have the guts to do it.

    I don't blame him. Too likely the cashier calls the cops, and the cops bust down his door and shoot his dog.

  • Slithery D||

    When I worked at Walgreens long, long ago I tried to get an endcap set up with candy bars and (safety) razor blades. The manager vetoed, but he did laugh.

  • ||

    There's a safer, non-Halloween-themed version you can try: buy a bottle of bleach and a single glass.

  • Big 'Orra||

    I fully except Halloween to be banned not because of right-wing Christians, but by nanny-staters under the guise of "health."

  • Zeb||

    It won't be banned. Just made so that it is no fun anymore.

  • Kwanzaa Cake||

    Of course the government is way ahead of you and well on the way to eliminate the notion of fun:

    http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/pr.....12018.html

  • ||

    I clicked. Pretty good advice like "avoid open flames" and "don't walk in the street dressed in black with no light" And they're less severe than Edna Mode on capes.

  • Robert||

    Remember Dollar Bill!

  • SIV||

    While there are Christians who don't celebrate Halloween I'm unaware of any significant religious constituency for banning it outright. You can find some of the best and most creative Halloween displays on the backroads of JesusLand.

    The Christian-alternative "Hell Houses" are often the best haunted house in town. The ministries which run them are not "anti-Halloween" rather they are piggy-backing their message on the Holiday.

  • Fatty Bolger||

    rather they are piggy-backing their message on the Holiday.

    A Christian tradition that goes back two thousand years.

  • Mongo||

    The devout Russian immigrants seem to get uneasy with our company's Halloween decor.

    The wildest, most mind-boggling haunted house I've ever been to was, indeed, one of those Christian hell-houses.

  • ||

    Another fun activity as chldren was mapping out the route we would take. it was a preliminary introduction to the travelling salesman problem. How could we hit the maximum number of houses without doubling back over any territory, in the shortest distance.

  • Rich||

    Probly an app for that now.

  • The Hammer||

    This, and trying to figure out the least amount of extra stuff you'd need to make two distinct costumes. The best years for this were the Ninja Turtle years.

  • Robert||

    Distinct so that if you did double back, your time wouldn't be wasted? Change in the alley?

  • The Late P Brooks||

    Everyone dressed as Wonder Woman dressed as an eskimo.

  • Ted Levy||

    Well, maybe not razors, but I've heard some sociopaths are working hard to harm our children by inducing childhood diabetes!

    It should also be better known that bin Ladin had a plan to destroy America by having terror cells give out Halloween candy to induce dental decay...Jihad one tooth at a time

  • Robert||

    Meanwhile I had a plan to sneak capsaicin into his dialysis fluid.

  • Zeb||

    When I was kid, there was a guy down the street who gave out pop corn. Plain, unseasoned pop corn. And he was very diligent to make sure we each took only one hand full. I can't imagine anyone ever ate any of the loose, dry popcorn in the bottom of their bag.

  • Rich||

    When I was kid, there was a guy down the street who told the kids he had nothing for them because his wife had just died.

  • Zeb||

    Every year?

  • Jordan||

    Well, you can get married as many times as you like...

  • Rich||

    Yep. It had the sobering effect on the noobs and the weirding-out effect on the experienced.

  • ||

    I bet he had a stash of candy just waiting to give out to the first person who got the joke.

  • B.P.||

    Come on, pops, how about dumping some costume jewelry in the bag or something.

  • robc||

    The owners of the neighborhood bakery lived a block behind me. They handed out mini powdered sugar doughnuts.

    It was the only unwrapped "candy" we were allowed to eat.

  • SugarFree||

    The kindly woman who lived next to my grandparents always gave out awesome, massive popcorn balls. They'd probably swat her house if she was still alive.

  • Ken Shultz||

    In my neighborhood, growing up, Halloween was basically extortion.

    People were much more afraid of what trick-or-treaters might do them than we were of what they might do to us.

  • Whiterun Guard||

    Yeah, giving me an apple when I was trick or treating was just a way of telling me that you wanted smashed apple decorating your house.

  • Ken Shultz||

    I mean, it's "trick or treat".

    It was up to them!

    Really.

    We even rang the doorbell and asked them which they preferred.

  • Archduke Pantsfan||

    There was a piece on the radio this morning about dentists buying back candy from kids.

  • Kwanzaa Cake||

    Taking candy from babies, all for the sake of the children.

  • Yar||

    That's awful. My dad's a dentist. Every halloween he gives out candy bars plus a baggie with a kid-sized toothbrush, sample toothpaste, and floss. He is a good man.

  • The Hammer||

    I actually would've been ok with this, if they paid a fair price. You can get tons of candy for dirt cheap in the two weeks after Halloween, and you get to pick out the best stuff.

  • The Hammer||

    But I see P Brooks already covered this in his obnoxious, non-conforming way.

  • The Late P Brooks||

    There was a piece on the radio this morning about dentists buying back candy from kids.

    I sense a business opportunity!

    Sell the halloween haul to the dentist at full price (hopefully), then go stock up on the stuff you really wanted anyway at the "half off" post halloween sale at the local discount store.

  • T||

    Arbitrage exists in all inefficient markets, I'm told.

  • The Late P Brooks||

    P Brooks already covered this in his obnoxious, non-conforming way.

    Hah

    hah.

  • شات عراقنا||

    thank you

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