Jesus Christ Enters Presidential Campaign

A few months ago I wrote a piece contrasting the relatively small effect Mitt Romney's Mormonism has had on this campaign with the past popularity of wild anti-Mormon conspiracy theories. Even Robert Jeffress, the Dallas pastor who embarrassed Rick Perry by declaring that Romney is "not a Christian" and that Mormonism "has always been considered a cult by the mainstream of Christianity," wound up endorsing the GOP's nominee, explaining his decision with the line, "Jesus isn't on the ballot this year, so we have to make choices."

But Bill Keller won't be stopped by Christ's failure to get on the ballot. Keller, the most ferocious of the modern anti-Mormon voices quoted in my article, claims that 1,392,972 people so far have pledged to write in the reputed son of God rather than back either Romney or Obama. Here's his pitch:

If President Obama is re-elected, his anti-American, socialist policies will continue, as will his attacks on Christianity and Christian churches. He will continue to support abortion, homosexuality, the enemies of Israel. How can a true follower of Christ vote in good conscience for a man who has proven to be a true enemy of God and His Word and will continue to be so in his next term?

If Mitt Romney is elected, he will be the fulfillment of his cult's polygamist, pedophile, racist, con artist, murdering founder Joseph Smith's "White Horse" prophecy that Romney and all Mormon's believe. That prophecy says that the United States will facing great economic and social unrest, a Mormon will be elected President, declare a national emergency and set aside the US Constitution and enact a Mormon theocracy. That may sound impossible, but ever since he was at BYU, Romney was called by his inner circle "the chosen one" to fulfill their cult's prophecy....

So who is a Christian to vote for with a clear conscience? The answer is simple...JESUS!!!

I am encouraging true followers of Jesus Christ to say NO to satan and say YES to Jesus! This November, write in the name JESUS for President!

The punchline: Keller's a birther.

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  • Longtorso||

    I'm writing in Barry Soetoro.

  • Zeb||

    Who's that?

  • VG Zaytsev||

    He was the first Indonesian kid to be president of the Harvard Law Review

  • CE||

    Or just wait until Tim Tebow is 35.

  • BarryD||

    Who will get more votes?

    Write-ins for Jesus, or Gary Johnson?

    I'll bet they don't have THAT on InTrade.

  • Longtorso||

    Rock me Sexy Jesus gets my vote.

  • DJF||

    This is silly, how can a Mexican be eligible for President?

  • ||

    Or Jesus for that matter. Unless his second coming has already happened in Iowa.

  • CE||

    Yeah, I want to see the birth certificate.

  • Whiterun Guard||

    If Mitt Romney is elected, he will be the fulfillment of his cult's polygamist, pedophile, racist, con artist, murdering founder Joseph Smith's "White Horse" prophecy that Romney and all Mormon's believe.

    You had me at polygamist!

  • BarryD||

    White Horse is, in fact, a great bargain in a blended Scotch for the Islay drinker. Its base whiskies are Lagavulin and Caol Ila.

    I like my Single Malt, but I'm not putting the expensive stuff in my pocket flask. White Horse fills that role with aplomb.

  • Auric Demonocles||

    I like my Single Malt, but I'm not putting the expensive stuff in my pocket flask.

    Well of course not. That's what servants are for (among other things like typing H*squirrel*R comments and polishing monocles).

  • ||

    I will be giving this a hearty taste from my snifter.

    Auric, thank you for the monocle reference. There haven't been enough references to our shared symbol of our own affluence in the comments recently.

    Rest assured though, once tax-mageddon comes, the monocle polisher will be the first job to be eliminated.

  • LTC(ret) John||

    Pish tosh, man! Top hat carriers go first, then the monocle polishers.

  • Auric Demonocles||

    What about the monocle polishers you have polishing your top hat carriers' monocles?

  • Zeb||

    Have you tried Islay Mist? It is another good, affordable blend with lots of that good Islay flavor. I think it is heavy on Laphroaig if I remember correctly.

  • R C Dean||

    Making mental note to give White Horse a go, next time I see it.

    Just got a bottle of "not sharing with guests, because fuck you" Laphroaig Quarter Cask, so I'll need a backup for my daily drowning 'o' sorrows.

  • In Time Of War||

    Here's an idea on which all Americans should agree...why don't we prevent the office of the presidency from having enough power to enact any sort of theocracy?
    I know, I know, crazy talk. As long as it's "our guy" it's all good.

  • BarryD||

    There is this Constitution thingie...

    It only lacks an enforcement mechanism. I suggest that minor violations of the Constitution be punished by six months of torture, and gross violations by drawing and quartering.

    That could motivate everyone in government, from cops to the President, to err on the side of caution.

  • ||

    So then, how would we punish cruel and unusual punishment?

  • Tulpa (LAOL-PA)||

    I hear getting a long form birth certificate from Judaea is a real pain, especially in some of the towns that don't have much hotel space.

    Though one could argue that "Jesus Lived" in the US at the time of the adoption of the Constitution, and is therefore exempt from the natural born citizen requirement.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    Even if we accept that Jesus qualifies to run for office, are you comfortable with the self-proclaimed leader of a Palestinian martyrdom cult in the White House?

    I'm not. Next thing you know, he'll be pushing for the establishment of canon law.

  • BarryD||

    Cannon law, drone law, what's the difference?

    Oh CANON... Never mind.

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    Jesus would have to be a U.S. citizen to be eligible. And he would have to be a citizen at the time of the Constitution, since he wasn't born in the U.S.

    Here Keller has a problem. There is only one tradition which teaches that Jesus is anything even like a U.S. citizen, and that tradition is Mormonism. Excluding their tradition, Keller has nothing to go on in making Jesus American.

  • BarryD||

    If someone is born of a virgin, can't he claim any citizenship he wants, though, through his father?

  • Pope Jimbo||

    I read that as "Hellen Keller has a problem."

  • CE||

    Jesus would have to be a U.S. citizen to be eligible. And he would have to be a citizen at the time of the Constitution, since he wasn't born in the U.S.

    Problem solved then! Everyone knows He emigrated to England with his wife Mary Magdalene after he rose from the dead. He probably sailed to America shortly after that.

  • CE||

    I think he was on the Roman census that year -- that's why Joseph and Mary had to schlep all the way to Bethlehem, and why there was no room at the inn.

  • Mr. Soul||

    While our reasoning is similar, Im voting for Landru.

    http://images2.wikia.nocookie......ection.jpg

  • BakedPenguin||

    Festival!

  • T||

    That is some tasty, tasty crazy right there. If I didn't have some deadlines before I leave today on a recruiting trip, I'd go down that rabbit hole for the lulz.

  • R C Dean||

    Man, our October surprises are sure disappointing so far.

    Trump offers to donate $5mm to charity if Obama will release his college records and passport app. You'd think for $5mm in small bills, he could get somebody to pass him a copy.

    Allred is trying to get Romney's testimony about the value of some company (Staples?) in a divorce case unsealed. Naturally, she already has a copy, so its going public no matter what the judge says.

  • Tonio||

    Yeah, but if some file clerk leaked a copy the clerk would have committed a federal crime (I think).

    Pretty much I see this as a safe bet on The Hairpiece's part: no release - Obama is hiding something. Release - lose pocket change.

    And I'd like to see Allred prosecuted for leaking, if only as karmic payback for the Anti-Porn Bill of Rights (need name check).

  • R C Dean||

    I suspect she got a copy from the embittered ex-wife, who is probably allowed to get and share a copy for purposes of getting it unsealed.

    And, I doubt Allred has much to worry about. Its a Massachusetts judge appointed by Deval Patrick; she'll get it unsealed.

    Their basic problem is the issue at hand: valuation of a company just has no legs in the media. So Romney low-balled it; big deal. Valuing companies, especially closely-held ones, is hardly an exact science.

  • ||

    Does Jesus have to personally fill in the forms in all the states with all the different names he might be written in as? This shouldn't be a problem, being omnipotent and all.

    The big problem will be if he tries to register God, Jehovah, Yahweh, or even Holy Ghost. That will raise up all the questions of the doctrine of the Trinity. We know what side Romney's lawyers will take!

  • CE||

    If so, we'll finally find out what the "H." stands for in His middle name.

  • ||

    Intrade is running $2.20 for "Hussein".

  • Matrix||

    Jesus isn't an American citizen. He is not eligible for the office of the president.

  • T||

    Without the long form birth certificate, we have no proof one way or the other.

  • ||

    I don't know my Book of Mormon too well. Did Jesus sail over to America, or was he reborn or otherwise reconstituted here?

    Does that classify as born? The clause is "natural born Citizen". Let us stipulate to "born". The issues are the other two words. First, this would be supernatural, not natural. Second, he may not be a citizen because it's awfully hard to subject the Son of God to the jurisdiction of the United States.

  • SugarFree||

    8 And it came to pass, as they understood they cast their eyes up again towards heaven; and behold, they asaw a Man bdescending out of heaven; and he was clothed in a white robe; and he came down and stood in the midst of them; and the eyes of the whole multitude were turned upon him, and they durst not open their mouths, even one to another, and wist not what it meant, for they thought it was an angel that had appeared unto them.

    9 And it came to pass that he stretched forth his hand and spake unto the people, saying:

    10 Behold, I am Jesus Christ, whom the prophets testified shall come into the world.

    3rd Nephi, Chap. 11

  • ||

    The real reason behind the success of Mormonism: People who want to beieve that Jesus was an American.

  • ||

    Jesus Christ why don't you come save my life

  • BakedPenguin||

    Because he's blowing his fucking whistle?

  • SugarFree||

    If there were that many people willing to admend the Constitution for Conan, I'm sure Jesus would do much better.

    I'd be cool having Jesus as President. Think of the cost savings with just the Secret Service...

    But who would be His running mate?

  • ||

    Pontius Pilate. He balances the law n' order vote.

  • SugarFree||

    I was thinking a double ticket of Jesus and Baby Jesus.

  • ||

    Jesus' running mate would obviously be the Holy Ghost.

  • R C Dean||

    Exactly. He is Trinity, so technically he has one to spare. Might go with the Father, to add gravitas.

  • BakedPenguin||

    No, no, no. Mary Magdelene, to prove he's not waging a war on women.

  • R C Dean||

    That slut? The DemOp media would have a field day. Although, on the bright side, Andrew Sullivan would have a new hobby.

  • LTC(ret) John||

    He would need the Holy Ghost to work the ballot boxes in Cook County, IL. So it looks a Father-Son ticket.

  • ||

    Definitely God the Father, as he would need to consolidate his base with the Jewish vote.
    That would be the by-the-book move.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    That prophecy says that the United States will facing great economic and social unrest, a Mormon will be elected President, declare a national emergency and set aside the US Constitution and enact a Mormon theocracy. That may sound impossible, but ever since he was at BYU, Romney was called by his inner circle "the chosen one" to fulfill their cult's prophecy....

    So who is a Christian to vote for with a clear conscience? The answer is simple...JESUS!!!

    Because an Evangelical Protestant theocracy is somehow better than a Mormon one?

    I can't even comprehend the bizarre mentality one must have for said concept to make any logical sense. It's like the non-Euclidian architecture of Lovecraftian horror.

  • Tonio||

    You can say that again. ;{)

  • LTC(ret) John||

    The geometry was all wrong! And keep them Wisconsin Synod Lutherans off my lawn.

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    That prophecy says that the United States will facing great economic and social unrest, a Mormon will be elected President, declare a national emergency and set aside the US Constitution and enact a Mormon theocracy. That may sound impossible, but ever since he was at BYU, Romney was called by his inner circle "the chosen one" to fulfill their cult's prophecy....

    So who is a Christian to vote for with a clear conscience? The answer is simple...JESUS!!!

    Because an Evangelical Protestant theocracy is somehow better than a Mormon one?

    I can't even comprehend the bizarre mentality one must have for said concept to make any logical sense. It's like the non-Euclidian architecture of Lovecraftian horror.

  • CE||

    It makes plenty of logical sense. Didn't Madison and Jefferson argue that we can't trust men with power, because they're not angels, so we have to bind them down with the chains of the Constitution?

    If Jesus wins, the trust issues go out the window.

  • Tybus||

    You don't have to write Jesus in. He's already on the ballot with his VP Joseph.

  • Aresen||

    He could get the Reason vote by banishing the server squirrels.

  • Auric Demonocles||

    Have trouble posting comments for the last few minutes? I just got a blank page after I hit submit.

  • SugarFree||

    It was everyone simultaneously cutting and pasting the "Who's voting for whom" thread so they can all bitch about it for the next four years.

  • Auric Demonocles||

    It's not "bitch about it". It's "discount anything the author ever says because they voted for X". For instance, everything you say is automatically worthless because you are scared of candy.

  • BakedPenguin||

    And yours opinion is invalid because you grew up on a cheese farm.

  • LTC(ret) John||

    I thought it was a cheese ranch?

  • BakedPenguin||

    Don't be silly, he grew up in New England, where there are only farms. The only cheese ranches are out West, in places like Idaho.

  • Auric Demonocles||

    Technically it was a dairy farm. We exported milk. Maybe someone turned it into cheese later, I never really checked.

    And your opinion is invalid because you made a typo. In fact, opinions being deemed invalid all around!

  • CE||

    Try the last few weeks. I used to get logged off only when I changed stories in H and R. Now I get logged off while I'm posting a comment, and the squirrels eat the comment so I can't go back and copy it and repost after I log back in.

  • ||

    I admit I will be shocked if Romney sets aside the constitution and declares a Mormon theocracy, but I'll bet the subsequent revolution will be highly entertaining to watch.

  • CE||

    There won't be a revolution. The lefties will just stage more ineffective mass protests, and the righties will obey Limbaugh and Hannity who will tell them it's for the good of the country.

  • amelia||

    "The punchline: Keller's a birther."

    I don't think this story requires a punchline. It's plenty hilarious all on its own.

  • Brian from Texas||

    If Jesus were here today, not only would he be barred as a foreigner, he'd be under suspicion by Homeland Security because he's a Middle Easterner to boot!

  • Mormons Are Christian||

    If there had been no Nicene Creed or Emperor Constantine, Catholic and Protestant theology would be quite similar to Mitt Romney’s In fact, there would likely be no need for the Church of Jesus Christ (LDS) to restore Jesus Christ’s church. Mormons’ theology is based on New Testament Christianity, not Fourth Century Creeds. For example, the Church of Jesus Christ (LDS) views on Baptism, Lay Ministry, the Trinity, Theosis, Grace vs. Works, the Divinity of Jesus Christ are closer to Early Christianity than any other denomination. And Mormon teenagers have been judged to “top the charts” in Christian Characteristics by a UNC-Chapel Hill study. Read about it here:

    http://MormonsAreChristian.blogspot.com/

    According to a 2012 Pew Forum poll of members of the Church of Jesus Christ (LDS) 98 percent said they believe in the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, and 97 percent say their church is a Christian religion. Mormons have a better understanding of Christianity than any other denomination, according to a 2010 Pew Forum poll:

    11 of the signers of the Declaration of Independence (including several presidents) were non-Trinitarian Christians, as is Mitt Romney, who is as faithful as the most devout Founder.

    Contrast Mitt Romney’s faith to that of Barack Obama: Rev. Jeremiah Wright says “it is hard to tell” if Barack Obama converted from Islam to Christianity”. Wright says “church is not Barack’s thing” .

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