Throw a Football or Frisbee on an L.A. Beach, Pay a Thousand-Dollar Fine

The politicians of Los Angeles should be placed on a garbage barge and set adrift on the Kuroshio Current:

The Board of Supervisors this week agreed to raise fines to up to $1,000 for anyone who throws a football or a Frisbee on any beach in Los Angeles County. [...]

The updated rules now prohibit "any person to cast, toss, throw, kick or roll" any object other than a beach ball or volleyball “upon or over any beach” between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

Exceptions allow for ball-throwing in predesignated areas, when a person obtains a permit, or playing water polo "in or over the Pacific Ocean". [...]

Your kids could also end up costing you big bucks: the ordinance also prohibits digging any hole deeper than 18 inches into the sand except where permission is granted for film and TV production services only.

Read the disgusting ordinance here [PDF].

Do you know what's a pretty great movie? Dogtown and Z-Boys, a 2001 documentary about how various '70s teenaged latchkey nogoodnik locals-only surf trash helped create modern skateboarding by breaking into rich people's backyards and various cement drainage ditches to try out some surf moves on wheels. Go ahead, watch the trailer:

Like West Coast punk rock (and the surf/garage rock from two decades before that), it was the creative product of blissfully neglected suburban semi-hoodlums making the best (and worst) out of free-range boredom and a mild climate. As viewers of either Dogtown or The Bad News Bears can tell you (let alone connoisseurs of Heroes and Villains or The Karen Carpenter Story), it frequently ended and almost always began in tears. There is much about that era we should be grateful to have moved past.

But criminalizing frisbee-toss and overly deep sandcastle-moats is more than just idiotic and impeachable. It's a Malathion-blast on what has been the very idea of Southern California since before it became a state. People go there to be free of all the suffocating bullshit back home, maybe chase some crazy dreams (I know, cliche, right?). There has never been a time when that weird combo of ambition and latitude didn't produce world-altering culture and creativity, in addition to stupid fun for kids at the beach. You have to have an almost Tatum O'Neal-level of dedication to squander an advantage that big, but I'm afraid that SoCal politicians, and way too many of the citizens that tolerate them, are proving equal to the task.

Some previous thoughts about California's debased political culture here. Some more ocean trash below.

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  • Joe M||

    Exceptions allow for ball-throwing in predesignated areas, when a person obtains a permit, or playing water polo "in or over the Pacific Ocean".

    The idea of getting a permit to throw a football is far, far more ridiculous than just banning it altogether.

  • Scruffy Nerfherder||

    Fill your form out in triplicate sir

  • Nipplemancer||

    Don't forget to pay the ball tax and have your balls inspected the ball inspector. The ball tossing permit must remain visible and with the ball at all times. Use of reflective clothing is required for all ball tossers and tossees. All children in the vicinity must wear helmets.

  • Apatheist||

    Do I permit to fondle my balls? What about if someone else does it?

  • ||

    Obviously, the BBSA (Beach Ball Safety Agency) will need inspectors.

    They will patrol all beach access and people wishing to go to the beach will need to go through scanners.

    After all, there is no Constitutional Right to Beach.

  • Nipplemancer||

    And then the mission creep sets in when they're checking for loaded wiffleball bats and unlicensed chinese knock-off spaldeens.

  • CrackertyAssCracker||

    hehe, he said "ball tax".

  • o3||

    think the bad news bears would get permits?

  • Cytotoxic||

    Okay guys, I know how to make everyone happy: the USG declares war on (the government of) California. And the San Andreas faultline...or do we co-opt the faultline as an enemy-of-my-enemy friend?

  • Restoras||

    We need Lex Luthor to initiate his hare-brained real estate scheme and make sure Superman has been bought off.

  • Superman||

    I'm pretty much past caring at this point. Fuck it. If Lex tries again, here's my advice to the LA council: Learn to swim.

  • Mensan||

    ... the urine specific gravity declares war on (the government of) California.

    ... the ultrasonogram declares war on (the government of) California.

    ... the United States Gypsum Corporation declares war on (the government of) California.

    ... the University System of Georgia declares war on (the government of) California.

    ... the University of South Glamorgan declares war on (the government of) California.

    ... the Universities at Shady Grove declares war on (the government of) California.

  • Joe M||

    As for the Dogtown and Z-Boys trailer, I'm pretty sure the still shot at 40 seconds in is the crew in this video.

  • Apatheist||

    Supposed to be a new album this year, can't wait.

  • Joe M||

    My two year boy loves the video for "We Share Our Mother's Health". It's a bit disturbing, but he misses all the creepiness and just focuses on the birds, rain, flowers, and apples. When the people jump off the building, he says, "wheee!"

  • Matrix||

    Everyday I continue to be amazed at the level of dumbassery of the nanny statist shit coming from California.

    Why they hell aren't elected officials murdered every single day in California for continuing to rain down nanny statist bullshit?

  • Pope Jimbo||

    Because no one can get the proper riot and revolt permits?

  • ||

    The LA County Office Of Grievance Redressing And Revolution Licensing has suffered some serious budget cuts recently that impairs their ability to serve the citizenry.

    Vote for Prop 66, "Voter Initiative To Hike Taxes To Pay For Essential Services."

  • EDG reppin' LBC||

    SoCal beach punk. Redondo Beach, that is.

  • Tony||

    For freedom to exist the government must make sure that no one impedes my freedom to walk on the beach and not get hit by a frisbee.

  • Matrix||

    For freedom to exist the government must make sure that no one impedes my freedom to walk along the middle of the street and not get hit by a car.

  • Anonymous Coward||

    Learn how to duck.

  • Rich||

    I won't reply to such twisted logic, but it's worth mentioning that LA County beaches are - for the most part - about 200 yards wide. The sunbathers cluster in the 30 yards near the water, and the rest is usually empty - perfect for casting and tossing.

  • H man||

    I'm sorry there are just too many injuries from ultimate frisbee. And I have no idea how volleyball got an exemption. Do you know how dangerous a spiked volleyball is? Or is this some sort of divide and conquer thing. At first the went for the frisbee thrower but I didn't say anything.
    Just wait until someone's kids get ticketed for the 18 inch rule thing. I'll bring the popcorn.

  • ||

    And I have no idea how volleyball got an exemption.

    LA Council in the pocket of Big Wilson.

  • Big Wilson||

    Oooh Yeah! Over to the left a little. That's nice...

  • Tony||

    Spoofer.

    The reason I can't walk along the beach without being hit by flying objects is because I'm an insufferable cunt.

  • Bob||

    Most likely a spoof.

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    Who elects people like this? California should fall into the drink so that Nevada could get a shot at running a beach or two.

  • ||

    Ok, how do you play water polo "over" the ocean?

    Because if there's some kind of new water polo/jetpack sport, I definitely wanna watch.

  • ||

    You need pegasi to play water polo over the ocean.

  • Nancy Pegasi||

    Are you serious?

  • ||

    I admit NP does look like part of a horse...

  • 0x90||

    Two parts, by my count.

  • ||

    Pick Two:

    -Ass
    -Cock
    -Balls
    -Face

  • asdf||

    IOW if you're not in a position to constantly lobby the government (AKA retired) your ass is up for grabs.

    I can't imagine what other age group would push for something like this.

  • ||

    Tossing a Frisbee on a crowded beach is like yelling "FIRE" at a military funeral.

    It's all fun and games until somebody loses an ear.

  • robc||

    I refer you gentlemen to the comments I made in the morning links thread.

  • Scruffy Nerfherder||

    It's worth noting the invocation for the BOS meeting:

    THANK YOU, MR. SUPERVISOR. LET'S PRAY. IT IS
    15 YOU ALONE WHO HAS GIVEN US THE HERITAGE OF THIS GREAT COUNTY.
    16 AS PEOPLE OF FAITH, WE SET APART THESE MOMENTS TO ACKNOWLEDGE
    17 YOU. WE PLEAD TO YOU THAT YOU GIVE US ALL THE GRACE AND
    18 COURAGE TO SEEK THAT YOUR WILL WOULD BE DONE IN OUR HEARTS AND
    19 IN ALL THAT LIVE IN LOS ANGELES COUNTY. WE PRAY WITH
    20 CONVICTION THAT YOU WOULD PROVIDE THIS COUNTY WITH EVERY TYPE
    21 OF SUFFICIENCY FOR OUR EVERY NEED. MAKE US ONCE AGAIN A
    22 CREATIVE AND PRODUCTIVE PEOPLE SO THAT ALL THOSE WHO LIVE HERE
    23 WOULD BE FILLED WITH HOPE. PROVIDE US WITH YOUR ALL-
    24 ENCOMPASSING PROTECTION. GIVE US YOUR PEACE IN THE ENTIRETY OF
    25 THE VASTNESS OF THIS COUNTY. MAKE US TO BE A JOYFUL AND A February 7, 2012
    4
    1 PEACEFUL PEOPLE. SHOWER DOWN UPON US YOUR LOVE AND RESPECT
    2 WHICH NOT ONLY WILL ENABLE ALL TO LIVE IN DIGNITY BUT TO LIVE
    3 AS ONE. LORD, EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT POPULAR, WE ASK THAT YOU
    4 FORGIVE US FOR EVERYTHING WHICH HINDERS THE ENJOYMENT OF THE
    5 FULLNESS OF YOUR BLESSING.
    WE NOW THANK YOU, LORD, FOR THE
    6 SUPERVISORS WHO ADDRESS THE MANY AND PRESSING NEEDS AND
    7 CHALLENGES OF THIS COUNTY. OPEN THEIR EYES TO YOUR ANSWERS AND
    8 TO YOUR OPPORTUNITIES. GRANT THESE, YOUR SERVANTS, EXCEPTIONAL
    9 WISDOM AND GREAT STRENGTH FOR THE TASK AT HAND. REWARD THEM
    10 FOR THEIR LABORS AND MAKE THEIR DECISIONS WORTHWHILE. WE CLOSE
    11 THIS PRAYER WITH THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT THAT WITHOUT YOU, WE CAN
    12 DO NOTHING, BUT WITH YOUR HELP ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, AMEN.

  • ||

    Narrated by Sean Penn

    Welp, so much for that.

  • Matt Welch||

    Close your eyes and think of Spicoli.

  • ||

    GET OUT OF MY HEAD

    In all seriousness, his smug, clueless, partisan assbaggery taints everything he's associated with. As much as I love Fast Times, I fear that I may not be able to get past that.

    OK, Phoebe Cates eases the pain (and causes another), but goddamn it Penn, stop ruining everything good you've done by being a marxist fuckhead who can't STFU.

  • Ted S.||

    I just think of him as Mr. Madonna.

  • Paul||

    They never actually met.

  • ||

    I just think of him as Mr. Madonna.

    You're not helping.

  • ||

    Dude! That was my skull! I'm so wasted!

  • Paul||

    Welp, so much for that.

    That documentary is fascinating. Seriously, ignore the Sean Penn-ness of it.

    I actually made my then 9-yo daughter sit and watch it with me.

  • ||

    CPS is on the way. Hide any frisbees you own.

  • H man||

    You kids with your wild frisbee and hackey sack playing ways. Stay off the beach. And stay of my lawn.

  • ||

    you joke, but I was hit by an errant hackysack one, and it really harshed my buzz.

  • ||

    Frisbees can be dangerous. I'll offer up a quote from a high school classmate of mine when an elderly math teacher caught us tossing the frisbee outside of school before soccer practice:

    "That's right Mrs. Bowen, I heard about this guy one time and he got decapitated and had to go to the hospital!"

    Her response was equally priceless:

    That's right. It could happen! And you could run right into that building and break your neck!

    The notion of one of us running across the vast expanse of soccer field to plow into the adjacent 40 foot high brick monolith of the school still makes me giggle. Although not as much as the notion of going to the ER to get your case of decapitation treated.

  • Matrix||

    Not sure if anyone would have to worry about getting decapitated by a frisbee unless Oddjob was the one throwing it.

  • Rich||

    the ordinance also prohibits digging any hole deeper than 18 inches into the sand except where permission is granted for film and TV production services only

    Is that measured from standard sea level or from the average sand surface?

    The updated rules now prohibit "any person to cast, toss, throw, kick or roll" any object other than a beach ball or volleyball “upon or over any beach”

    Is that kid rolling in the sand subject to arrest? What about all those folks casting shadows?

    I'll now actually RTFO and see if it answers my questions.

  • Rich||

    Depth of hole precision not answered.
    Wrt rolling/casting, may request permission from Director.

    Some other nuggets:

    A person shall not disturb any rock on a beach -- That puts a damper on your beachcombing and moonlight walks.

    No person shall place any oily substance into the Pacific Ocean -- It'll be great to see how this is rectified with sunscreen recommendations/mandates.

    "Beach" includes all navigable waters within 1000 feet from the public beach -- Can we expand from "beach (public beach)" to "beach (navigable waters)" to "beach (navigable waters)"?

    May all these officious idiots be infested by 10,000 sand fleas.

  • ||

    Why do you hate sand fleas?

  • ||

    What about all those folks casting shadows?

    Good, give the sunbathers ideas.

  • Raston Bot||

    i rode an Alva.

  • A Serious Man||

    And that's why I prefer Huntington beach.

  • ChrisO||

    California: We're Like a Banana Republic. Without the Bananas.

  • Scruffy Nerfherder||

    Banana Hammock Republic

  • ||

    ewwwww

  • ||

    California: We're Like a Banana Republic. Without the Bananas.

    Just as long as you have Death Squads.

  • ||

    LA SWAT, check.

  • Killazontherun||

    I was searching the California Constitution for language concerning excessive fines and other forms of punishment that are not reasonable in relation to the crime or behavior being regulated, and I had to stop reading it. It is a painfully stupid document with the majority of the language concerned with the petty issues of the day rather than governing a state decades hence.

    Here is one example:

    CALIFORNIA CONSTITUTION
    ARTICLE 4 LEGISLATIVE


    SEC. 1.5. The people find and declare that the Founding Fathers
    established a system of representative government based upon free,
    fair, and competitive elections. The increased concentration of
    political power in the hands of incumbent representatives has made
    our electoral system less free, less competitive, and less
    representative.
    The ability of legislators to serve unlimited number of terms, to
    establish their own retirement system, and to pay for staff and
    support services at state expense contribute heavily to the extremely
    high number of incumbents who are reelected. These unfair incumbent
    advantages discourage qualified candidates from seeking public office
    and create a class of career politicians, instead of the citizen
    representatives envisioned by the Founding Fathers. These career
    politicians become representatives of the bureaucracy, rather than of
    the people whom they are elected to represent.
    To restore a free and democratic system of fair elections, and to
    encourage qualified candidates to seek public office, the people find
    and declare that the powers of incumbency must be limited.
    Retirement benefits must be restricted, state-financed incumbent
    staff and support services limited, and limitations placed upon the
    number of terms which may be served.

    Why would that language be in there in an article defining the role of the legislature? It is written by people who don't even fucking care a whit about the world they leave behind.

  • Killazontherun||

    Note, I picked this out specifically because I'm somewhat sympathetic to the language, it is the appropriateness of the context that bugs me.

  • bill||

    Anyone here from LA? Someone really needs to head to City Hall and request a ball-throwing permit.

  • H man||

    Then throw it at their heads dodgeball style.

  • ||

    *hefts a bag of wrenches*

  • DK||

    I guess some entrepreneur will need to come out with beach ball™ branded footballs, frisbees, squirt guns, kites, bean bags, ...

  • Paul||

    This is so retarded I don't even have an appropriate snark. I bow to those that do.

  • Kharne the Betrayer||

    You could not come up with snark that is up to the task of this rule. It is beyond parody. If someone at The Onion suggested this as a story they'd be dismissed because it's just too ridiclious.

  • Paul||

    Your kids could also end up costing you big bucks: the ordinance also prohibits digging any hole deeper than 18 inches into the sand except where permission is granted for film and TV production services only.

    Oh yeah, recreational sand holes. CNN did a story, complete with meancing music and everything on this very subject. Most unintentionally funny news story of all. time.

    Read this article from 2002 outloud and don't laugh. I fucking dare you. I double dog dare you. Read it and not laugh... DO IT!

    http://articles.cnn.com/2002-0.....=PM:HEALTH

  • ||

    I lol'd. Poor, poor legislators. No matter how hard they try, people still find ways to try an garner a Darwin Award.

  • Paul||

    I'm sorry, Ron Paul and Gary Johnson, but running for public office is a disease. It's a sign of mental illness. The desire to control other people's behavior is a sickness that must be eradicated from the land. The hand of God must sweep them aside in an apocalyptic fire followed by 40 days of floods...

    Like if I ran a company and called a meeting, I'd fire anyone who showed up.

    Same thing, if a country held an election, anyone who registers on the ballot should be jailed.

  • ||

    Same thing, if a country held an election, anyone who registers on the ballot should be jailed.

    The trick is figuring out how to make that system work more than once.

  • Paul||

    The trick is figuring out how to make that system work more than once.

    It only has to work once. Their genes are out of the pool. Evolution takes care of the rest of eternity.

  • IceTrey||

    This is nothing more than a sop to big volleyball.

  • Paul||

    Serious question: how big a fuckstick do you think the beach patrol feels enforcing this?

  • mad libertarian guy||

    Their union probably lobbied for it. Anything to swell their ranks and put people on the public dole in order to do the work of god via handing out fines for unauthorized frisbee throwing.

  • Colonel_Angus||

    As long as they follow policy, law enforcement have fulfilled all moral duty.

    Hurl.

  • Schmoopy in CA||

    This is like the worst chat room ever.

  • ||

    yeah, too many frisbees, footballs, and non-regulation sandcastles for any decent chat to take place.

  • Chris Marshall||

    We have created a petition to reverse this. Please sign and pass it on!

    http://www.thepetitionsite.com.....aches-fun/

  • Rocky||

    That trick never works.

  • ||

    You crazy anarchist. Don't you know that deregulated beach play was a significant contributor to the most recent financial crisis? I for one am proud of my government for looking after me to make sure I can enjoy a day at the beach sitting quietly without having to be bothered by people having fun around me.

  • Paul||

    You're saying that if you had your way, 'fun' would be a four-letter word?

    (I know, right? It's like I'm talking to myself. That's so badass!)

  • ||

    These buttheads are gonna put the Onion and SNL out of business. How the fuck do you parody somebody like this? Even if you use the wildest shit you can come up with, it's only a matter of time before they do it.

  • ||

    Portlandia considered, and rejected, california as the show's setting for this very reason.

  • ||

    the 18" depth rule seems pretty shortsighted.

    I call for complete building permits for all sandcastles.

  • Michael||

    This law is really insane.

    The $1,000 fine and misdemeanor punishable by 6 months in jail also applies to: surfing in blackballed areas, being in the water within 100 ft of a pier, paddleboarding 50 yards beyond the surf, kiteboarding near anyone, surfing within 100 feet of a non-surfer, etc etc etc.

  • Paul||

    I'm telling you... hold an election, jail anyone who shows up.

  • Jumbie||

    pfah, So Cal was never that great to begin with:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088875/

  • Jumbie||

    pfah, So Cal was never that great to begin with:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088875/

  • ||

    http://www.change.org/petition.....-frisbee-2

    Sign this petition to Save Beach Football and Frisbee!

  • ||

    It's a Malathion-blast on what has been the very idea of Southern California since before it became a state.

    Southern California isn't a state.

  • Rhonk||

    Did no one actually read this ordinance? The new ordinance actually added, on page 30, an exception to the no football/frisbee rule. All you have to do is get permission from a lifeguard. Sure you can get a permit but you can also just simply ask a lifeguard. This ordinance also seems to have removed a rule banning public intoxication. I'm shocked the author of this article didn't make it to page 30 of the PDF he posted. You sure have some great credibility Matt...

  • Father Jack||

    Feck off, punk. No one should have to ask anyones permission to do jack shite.

  • Rhonk||

    But really, how can you be an editor in chief when you can't even make it to page 30 of a 37 page ordinance? An editor that doesn't read? How does that make sense?

  • buy3buy.com||

    best best

  • Father Jack||

    Feck LA. Drink! Arse! Girls! No Frisbee!

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