It’s the End of the World As We Know It, and Both Communism and Kit-Kats Are Involved

Remember the two scientists who theorized that early malfunctions at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) were a result of an angry future force somehow sabotaging efforts in the present to prove the existence of the Higgs boson—occasionally referred to as “the God particle”—and thus resolve fundamental mysteries about the universe? Ah, science.

It was never quite clear what form this irate, past-tampering future would take: bread-crumb dropping birds, perhaps? But we may have found its emissary (OK, probably not). He comes dressed in tweed, and warns that the LHC will usher in a new era of global communism and, uh, Kit-Kats.

A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.

The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.

Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender.

Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."

Read the whole thing, if only for the introduction of Professor Brian Cox, who is identified as “a CERN physicist and full-time rock'n'roll TV scientist.”

Read Reason’s Ron Bailey on whether the LHC is likely to cause the end of the world.

Update: This is an old story, and I completely failed to pay attention to its date: April, 2010. It's still funny! Update 2: Yes, that would be April 1, 2010. 

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  • Beloved Rev. Blue Moon ||

    Did he say anything about Libyans?

  • Spoonman.||

    Eloi from the future, huh?

  • ||

    I noted that, too, but had another take (see below.)

  • Old Mexican||

    Are you lonely tonite?

  • Ska||

    Do you gaze at your bald head and wish you had hair?

  • ||

    Eloi Cole = E. Coli ?

  • ||

    Isn't "Cole" the name of Bruce Willis' character in 12 Monkeys?

  • ||

    Found it. Bruce's time-traveling character was James Cole.

  • Apatheist||

    Combining The Time Traveler with 12 Monkeys is.... strange.

  • EDG reppin' LBC||

    Remember the two scientists who theorized that early malfunctions at the Large Hardon Collider (LHC) were a result of an angry...

    Come on reason. This is exactly why no one takes libertarians seriously. Grow up. Jeez!

  • ||

    I thought it was because we called people cunts when they were being cunts.

    Nothing is less serious than the truth, I guess.

  • ||

    Why would you only trust political advocacy groups that have no sense of humor?

  • Tim||

    This explains Barney Frank's resignation.

  • Tim||

    " I wish to weserve a fwight to Zurwich Switzerwand!"

  • Bawny Fwank||

    I wequire two tickets, one for myself and one for my vewy gweat fwiend fwom Wome, Biggus Dickus.

  • ||

    Really? I always thought they were colliding hadrons--you know, the subatomic particles. Does it really cost billions to run some sort of, I dunno, gay porn machine? I thought CERN was a science organization, too. Huh.

  • Ska||

    Nice alt-text on Doc Brown. More importantly, what is your Skyrim character specializing in?

  • ||

    It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening.

    This is really a shot across the bow of our resident crazies. Step up your game, obsessed weirdos.

  • ||

    A little out of date - from 2010, specifically April 1st. :(

  • Hugh Akston||

    Oh man, Suderman got punk'd.

  • ||

    And do did I...

  • Hugh Akston||

    Just asking here, but has anyone seen SugarFree lately?

  • ||

    I'm not sure where he is. I'm just his Mexican, non-union equivalent, after all.

  • Hugh Akston||

    Alright, señor sin azúcar, I want you to do for me what Rick Chertoff did for Cyndi Lauper.

  • ||

    I will not she-bop you.

  • k2000k||

    Wait theres no poverty but its a hell hole? I get the hell hole part, since apparantly its the world goverment is chocunism. But no poverty? Troll fail.

  • Old Mexican||

    Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.


    Well, he certainly will NOT succeed, otherwise he would not know to come back in time to "stop it."

    Ah, the beauty of time paradoxes...

  • ||

    He left a note for himself in a time-safe drawer to remember to stop the thing that never happened.

  • Old Mexican||

    [...]a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.


    You know... sick shit.

  • Old Mexican||

    Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin.


    Isn't it obvious? His country of origin is PBS.

  • ||

    Bill Nye is now the head of the Planetary Society, I believe. Something weird about that.

    I always liked his show. My youngest daughter has watched it a couple of times.

  • Destrudo||

    Either that or it's the doctor.

  • ||

    Come on, Cox is no Buckaroo Banzai.

  • Tim||

    Buckaroo Banzai was no Buckaroo Banzai. He vanished into an event horizon of post ironic irony.

  • ||

    You underestimate his irony.

  • Tim||

    If you want international attention just do it the American way- pepper spray Wal Mart shoppers.

  • Restoras||

    Huh...kinda reminds me more of 12 Monkeys; would have been more authentic if Eloi was looking for a sample of the strain of influenza that was recently discovered.

  • Paul||

    Umm Peter, this was from 2010, and that article about the guy from the future was a cnet April fools joke. Check the dates. Notice the references from 12 monkeys? Cole, guy from future?

  • Spencer||

    Obviously the Doctor in action. The timing was specific to throw us all off.

  • skr||

    tweed, bow-tie, time travel, eccentric behavior. must be.

  • ||

    Was just coming to say this. Though the TARDIS must be going through some rough times if it's been reduced to a device that looks like a blender.

  • Spencer||

    you just haven't seen the next generation of sonic technology yet.

  • Tim||

    I don't know what a Higgs Boson is, but it sounds racists...

  • cw||

    "Boson" is just one consonant away from "bosom."

  • Tim||

    Tom Hanks starred in a sitcom called "Boson Buddies" didn't he?

  • Kunty Kristen||

    Are my bosons giving you a hadron?

  • Urkobold™||

    "HIGG'S BOSON" IS A MISTRANSLATION OF "großen Busen." THE PROJECT IS ALL ABOUT STUDYING "großen Busen."

  • PantsFan||

    Echt Geil!

  • Tim||

    Ahh, not it's clear.

  • ||

    exactly.

  • cw||

    Is this...even...real?

  • Hugh Akston||

    No, it's an April Fools story.

  • cw||

    Ah, yes. The article in question is from April 1. Thanks.

  • cw||

    Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.

    This proves Cole is a time traveler - he went back to the future!

  • Old Mexican||

    Update: This is an old story, and I completely failed to pay attention to its date: April 2010. It's still funny!


    Do you want to know what's funnier?

    YOU! Falling for it!

  • Kunty Kristen||

    Brian Cox is attractive by British standards (seriously - he's some kind of physics sex symbol over there). Nuff said.

    (for the real hot physics action, look no further than Joao Magueijo)

  • ||

    It read like an Onion article. Did McArdle hack his account? If so, nicely done. If not, wow. Just wow.

  • A Serious Man||

    Wait, Suderman actually fell for this? I thought it was just a slow news day.

    Btw, which sci-fi trope do y'all prefer: the Back to the Future alternate realities, or the Lost 'whatever happened, happened' single timeline filled with time travel paradoxes?

  • Hugh Akston||

    Alternate universes means an infinite number of realities where Wesley Crusher has god-like powers.

  • A Serious Man||

    You know I always figured The Traveler was just a boy-hungry pedophile. Definitely nominating Dr. Crusher for Parent of the Year.

  • Hugh Akston||

    That's the beauty of the single-timeline theory: The Traveler used Wesley up until he started to get crow's feet, then dumped him in the early 21st century to limp by as a blogger with unpredictable sphincter control.

  • ||

    Wesley Crusher wash a fantastic distraction from all the quasi-Marxian bullshit that show spoonfed you every other minute.

    And Wesley Crusher is Satan incarnate.

    Do the math!!!!

  • ||

    It wasn't so much Marxism as post-scarcity reality. A person in the Federation would consider both capitalism and communism irrelevant since both pertain to the distribution of scarce resources.

    Of course, chances are we will always have to deal with scarcity of some sort, so it's unrealistic, but then again so are warp drive and energy transporters.

  • ||

    Not infinite since there are only a finite number of quantum events that have occurred in the history of the universe.

    And there are even more realities where Wesley is eaten alive from anus up by scabies.

  • ||

    I never understood the Wesley hate.

    Sure, he was annoying.

    But it was Riker I kept hoping would have a messy transporter accident. [Actually, he did, but not the one I hoped for.]

  • Auric Demonocles||

    I'm a fan of the single timeline because it forces you to make an elegant time loop.

    On the other hand, if you've got infinite realities, you have quantum immortality.

  • ||

    What's a quantum immortality?

  • AlmightyJB||

    That's what watching too much Fringe will do to you.

  • davidc||

    Calling Buckaroo Banzai...

    Maybe the guy was a peaceful Black Lectroid from the 8th dimension and the cops just didn't have the right glasses.

  • Mr. Mark||

    The LHC began operation in the fall of 2008.

    There were fears.

    The first bailout occurred in the fall of 2008.

    And now....

  • Jeffersonian||

    Did Warty link us to a Youtube of one of Communist Chocolate Hellhole's top hits?

  • Fatty Bolger||

    Yes, that would be April 1, 2010.

    PWNED

  • ||

    Professor Brian Cox, who is identified as “a CERN physicist and full-time rock'n'roll TV scientist.”

    A Chain Reaction reference?

    I don't care what you say, that was a great flick.

  • Fatty Bolger||

    You're just trying to piss of Episiarch, aren't you?

  • ||

    Sounds like he was trying to dress like Doctor Who a little.

  • Cheap Jordans||

    good

  • ||

    If you’re anything like me you’re sitting there going yeah right,End of The World guide to Survive 2012< is just another “sky-is-falling” Chicken Little type of event that is just a lot of hype like the Y2K bug in 2000.  That was me up until very recently when I started to do my own research on 2012, Planet X and the numerous other apocalyptic scenarios out there.  What changed? I recently had kids and everything changed.  I simply thought to myself how can I as a father, husband and son not do everything I can to make sure that I give my family a fighting chance to survive perhaps the biggest threat not only to them but to humans as a species as possible.  How could I just be ok to leave their lives possibly in jeopardy? End of The World guide to Survive 2012
    http://doiop.com/EndOfTheWorldSurvival

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