Arnold’s Next Movie: There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle...

"The calls are coming in," former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger tells the Los Angeles Times’ Geoff Boucher in a tease for the celebrated actor’s return to the movie business. 

Blimey, Guvnah! A bunch of those calls are from me, trying to get a new take on the pension crisis that continues to cloud California’s future and your successor’s administration. 

The news here isn’t particularly new. Schwarzenegger has not settled on his next project, but he’s been suggesting he’ll be back on the silver screen for some time. Here's how the voice of Stan Lee's animated hero The Governator responded when the Austrian paper Kronen Zeitung asked in January if he was thinking about returning to movies

"Sure. Currently I'm reading three scripts! A pitch that I didn't have time to consider when I was governor intrigues me most. I would play an older German officer who gets an order at the end of the war to kill dozens of children. He disobeys, and life-and-death adventure ensues. The plot is based on a true story."

Boucher's short list of possible Arnold projects – which includes a policier and a puzzle movie – doesn’t include that picture. The surest bet seems to be that of Dwayne The Rock Johnson, who predicts Schwarzenegger will “make a smart choice very soon and he’ll dominate again.” 

Why shouldn’t he? Without consulting any reference, I can name five Schwarzenegger pictures that deserve inclusion in the Great Films section at the tera-library of the giga-Vatican: True Lies, Conan the Barbarian, Terminator, Stay Hungry and Total Recall. I can also name many others that are hugely entertaining (the Terminator sequels, Commando, Predator, Kindergarten Cop a.k.a. Devil King of Children, Jingle All the Way, etc), one of the great sports documentaries (Pumping Iron), and a bunch of other movies I haven’t seen, which I’m sure have their moments. (I seem to recall there’s even one with Jim Belushi, where Arnold plays a Soviet Army officer.) All of these depended on his still-intact humor and fractured eloquence as much as or more than on his physical strength. Weirdly, given his two-term executive adventure, Schwarzenegger has barely any directing credits, so there’s always Christmas In Connecticut II. Finally, his famous business sense comes through in this assessment of the current action-adventure market:

Still, last summer's "The Expendables," directed and starring Sylvester Stallone, pulled in $274 million in worldwide box office with its old-school commando fantasy and aging action-hero cast, including a fleeting cameo by Schwarzenegger. The 38th governor of California watched those receipts with considerable interest and he also smiled as he watched Liam Neeson, now 58, "kicking in doors" in the surprise hit "Taken" three years ago.

"The whole industry has not come up with a new line of action heroes so [people say] let's go see the mature ones — that's what I call them, the mature ones — because there's nothing new around," Schwarzenegger said. "That's good news for me."

I still say a performer who can hold a roomful of people as easily as Schwarzenegger should be doing legit theater. Damn it: Arnold needs to play Lear

In any case there’s something telling in seeing Schwarzenegger’s career in politics come to resemble Michael Jordan’s tenure with the Birmingham Barons. If the presidency were still on offer he would probably still be making political noises, but as it is he is returning whence he came.

And that's a rational move. What made Schwarzenegger a rarity in politics was not the outsider purity he bragged about. (His creepy friendship with a thug like Fabian Núñez easily puts that perception to rest.) It was that he is a truly interesting person with recognizable talents, able to get rich in both the relatively free market of entertainment and the completely gamed economy of California real estate. His rejection of politics, and his smiling return to the private sector, say something not just about politics but about the instinct that first brought Schwarzenegger to this country, where in his own words, "the government wasn't always breathing down your neck or standing on your shoes."

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  • ||

    The surest bet seems to be that of Dwayne The Rock Johnson, who predicts Schwarzenegger will “make a smart choice very soon and he’ll dominate again.”

    That choice being to co-star in something with The Rock.

  • ||

    Conan. In the books, there are stories about Conan when he's older and the king of Aquilonia.

  • ||

    King Conan: Crown of Iron was all ready to go when Arnie was elected. It would have been made if he hadn't been elected...

    I wish they could dust that project off. He could play an old Conan better than anyone...and that's what it was supposed to be about.

    Unfortunately there's another Conan: The Barbarian coming out later this year. Once they go to another character as Conan, I don't think the product cycle will ever let Arnie back on that ride.

  • ||

    Now I'm pissed.

  • marlok||

    What a damn shame.

  • ||

    Conan of Aquilonia and Conan of the Isles immediately sprang to mind.

  • ||

    This sounds pretty watchable:

    http://www.avclub.com/articles.....liv,54299/

    And while Schwarzenegger has been dropping a million hints—that he might star in a WWII drama, play a horse trainer, appear in more sequels to (or oddly, remakes of) Predator or The Terminator or True Lies or The Running Man—The Hollywood Reporter says that he’s closest to starring in The Last Stand, an action movie from The Good, The Bad, The Weird director Kim Ji-Woon. The film would find Schwarzenegger playing a sheriff whose "inexperienced staff" has to stop a drug cartel leader from escaping across the Mexican border in what Kim described as a "super car." The Austrian, hulking Schwarzenegger playing a simple, small-town lawman battling a "super car"—now that’s the kind of Schwarzeneggerian ludicrousness we’ve been waiting for.

  • Mensan||

    By "super car," are we talking KITT or Turbo Teen?

  • Au H20||

    So, who's our next actor turned Republican governor of Cali?

    I mean, we're 1 for 2 in terms of success, so... whom?

  • Mensan||

    Kelsey Grammar?

  • Warty||

  • Leftist||

    WHY DO YOU HATE POOR PEOPLE AND WANT GRANDMA TO EAT CAT FOOD...oh wait...I'm sorry, I thought I was on a libertarian website, but this article doesn't appear to offend me in any way. I'll leave now.

  • John Winger||

    Got your "super car" right here.

  • Tman||

    Jesus Tim, you left out Predator?

    That movie had not one, but TWO future governators.

  • Au H20||

    Ever wonder why, Tman?

    It's because Carl Weathers runs the Syndicate.

  • Paul||

    I say again, isn't Carl Weathers President?

  • Jeffersonian||

    Action Jackson/Apollo Creed/Sundog-George Washington Lincoln Brown (that last one from one of my guilty pleasures, "Death Hunt") as Prexy would rock, and not suck balls half as much as the current admin.

  • ||

    I've been hoping Carl Weathers would run for governor of Louisiana.

  • Tman||

    Whoops, never mind, you included it in the "hugely entertaining" category, which is fair.

    Should've been in the first category of the Great Films section at the tera-library of the giga-Vatican.

    My bad.

  • ||

    Tim doesn't have time to bleed, Tman.

  • Montani Semper Liberi||

    Predator and Terminator II should both be in there.

  • prs130||

    only the two best action movies ever.

  • ||

    True Lies, while entertaining, absolutely does not deserve inclusion in your first list, Tim. But I like you, which is why I'm going to kill you last.

  • ||

    Agreed, Jamie Lee Curtis is ugly as fuck and ruined that movie.

  • Paul||

    It's not about being the prettiest.

  • ||

    Don't disturb my friend heller, Paul. He's dead tired.

  • prs130||

    If it WAS about being prettiest, Tom Arnold would more than make up for Jamie Lee Curtis

  • ||

    Epi, you were supposed to ask Paul for a pillow before uttering "he's dead tired".

  • ||

    I saw 'Stay Hungry' in the 70's and the only thing I remember is Sally Field's naked ass.

    I felt a little dirty for wanting to fuck the Flying Nun.

  • Paul||

    Sally Field was cute in her day. No shame. See my post above.

  • Jeffersonian||

    But I like you, which is why I'm going to kill you last.

    One of Ah-nuld's best lines, ever, not to mention the second time he used it in that flick. I'd add the line, "Wrong," too, in the same movie.

  • ||

    Do you remember when I said I was going to kill you last, J? I LIED.

  • Derp||

    Someone needs to let off some steam...

  • Jeffersonian||

    "Sully," and that little fuck needed some killin'.

  • Jordan Elliot||

    "What did you do with Sully?"

    " I let him go."

    Perfection.

  • Drax the Destroyer||

    Arnold snaps a guy's neck on the airplane before takeoff:

    Stewardess: "Is your friend okay?"

    Ahnuld: "He's dead tired."

    The world could use this shit again. NO...strike that...the world needs this shit again.

  • Colin||

    I'd go see that WW II flick.

    Alternatively, he could play Schultz in a Hogan's Heroes remake. Basically, he played him the past 6 years or so.

  • Au H20||

    Actually, wouldn't Arnold be excellent as the leader of a heist movie?

    Plus, we haven't had a good heist movie in a few years.

  • Warty||

  • Warty||

    Whoops, that undercounts. A more accurate count is here.

  • Jeffersonian||

    Great. Fucking. Site.

  • Warty||

    It's a little surprising that Dolph Lundgren has the highest total kill count. And how about Milla Jovovich? 220, goddamn.

  • Warty||

    And once again I'm wrong; it's Chow Yun-Fat.

  • ||

    Nope it's David Chiang (734)

  • Warty||

    Who the fuck is that?

    New rule, Asians don't count.

  • ||

    THE CHINKS ARE COMING FOR OUR BODY COUNTS! RUN!!!

  • Warty||

    Authoritarian state action films are the wave of the future, and this is just one more piece of evidence.

  • ||

    Don't run - just call your boy, Greg Smith!

  • ||

    I guess TV Movies don't count, otherwise it'd Patrick Duffy, who played Col. Paul Tibbets in Enola Gay: The Men, the Mission, the Atomic Bomb (TV 1980)

    Too soon?

  • ||

    70,000+, bitches...

  • Ted S.||

    See Above and Beyond, a 1952 movie starring Robert Taylor as Col. Tibbetts.

  • Montani Semper Liberi||

    The last Rambo. 236 total kills, which is about 2.59 kills/minute of film. However, Rambo only accounts for 83 of those, so Matrix might still hold the record for most kills by one person.

  • ||

    As much as I love Commando, it can't hold a candle to the last Rambo movie in terms of sheer, unadulterated violence. Stallone really pulled out the stops for that one. I mean, I was kind of stunned by it, and I've seen Cannibal Holocaust.

  • ||

    Dude, it was awesome. When he turned the dude into man soup with the .50 cal ...

  • ||

    Legs being blown off...it was fucking nuts. I mean, you really wanted to see those Burmese thugs pay.

  • Old Bull Lee||

    That was the genius of that movie. The graphic violence committed on innocent victims at the beginning made you cheer on Rambo's graphic violence, even though it was no less ugly in a purely physical sense.

  • ||

    Don't forget Kentucky Fried Movie...

  • Jeffersonian||

    That kung-fu dude only killed 50, maybe 60 people.

  • ||

    Yeah, but he did it in like thirty seconds. There has to be some kind of honorable mention for that.

  • ||

    Okay, I admit it... I was just trolling for an "Enormous Genitals" reference, and I'm sad to say my fellow commenters actually let me down for once.

  • prs130||

    and somehow we're forgetting Hot Shots: Part Deux, which actually provides the running tally on the screen

  • ||

    So did Student Bodies.

  • ||

    Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy had six billion kills in the first 10 minutes.

  • ||

    Yeah. By Vogons. Who cares? They're not action stars.

  • Paul||

    The Vogons were trying to make a better world. So it was justified.

  • The Commies||

    That's what we keep telling you!

  • Paul||

    And it was essentially an intergalactic eminent domain action. So it's double-justified. Omlettes, breaking eggs, better use of property and all that.

  • ||

    Eccentrica Gallumbits would have brought in more tax money.

  • ||

    You are so right about Sinbad carrying Jingle All the Way.

  • ||

    Lars Von Trier plans on killing more then that in the first 2 min of his new movie.

  • Paul||

    I would play an older German officer who gets an order at the end of the war to kill dozens of children. He disobeys, and life-and-death adventure ensues. The plot is based on a true story."

    The real Arnold would have killed those children.

  • ||

    Arnold has to be king of the one liners.

    "See you at the party, Richter!"

  • Montani Semper Liberi||

    Let off some steam, Bennett.

  • Warty||

    "Fuck YOU, asshole!"

  • Warty||

    "Let off some steam, Bennett!"

  • ||

    "Stick around."

  • ||

    "Ice to see you."

    (Cartoon parodies count, right?)

  • ||

    Of course.

    "Cool party!"

    "Hey everybody...CHILL!"

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    "Right now I'm thinking about holding another meeting...in bed."

  • Warty||

    "Between your god and my Glock, I will choose my Glock."

    Something like that, anyway.

  • Warty||

    And the best line from Pumping Iron: "I took him into the shower and I taught him to scream."

  • ||

    Rae Dawn Chong: "What did you do with Sully?"

    Ahnold: "I let him go." (off a cliff)

  • ||

    "It's naht a tuumah."

  • ||

    Maria Conchita Alonzo: Why should I help you?

    Arnold (as Ben Richards): Because I'm going to say please.

  • ||

    And Tim, how could you fail to mention Hercules in New York?

  • ||

    If I remember correctly, Ahnuld was billed as Arnold Strong.

  • ||

    After clicking on your link, I see that my memory is pretty damn good.

  • ||

    (I seem to recall there’s even one with Jim Belushi, where Arnold plays a Soviet Army officer.)

    That's Red Heat.

    And I'm sorry, but Sinbad totally carried Jingle All The Way.

  • Paul||

    Sinbad is underrated. And that's not sarcasm.

  • ||

    Have you seen Houseguest? He was hilarious in that.

  • Warty||

    They filmed that in the town I lived in during high school. The house is right across the street from Mario Lemieux's. And there are no railroad trestles like that one from the movie anywhere nearby.

  • Paul||

    And there are no railroad trestles like that one from the movie anywhere nearby.

    Now I feel cheated.

  • Warty||

    Also, the thugs in the movie were supposed to be Pittsburghers, and they said "youse". That's just silly.

  • Paul||

    I heard they say that stuff in Philly, though. Am I wrong?

  • Warty||

    Who cares? Philly is an argument in favor of melting the ice caps.

  • Paul||

    Have you seen Houseguest?

    That was exactly the movie I was thinking of when I wrote my comment. Well played, sir, well played.

  • ||

    Ever since then when we see someone take the exit ramp way too late we say they're pulling a Sinbad.

  • ||

    I gained a lot of respect for Sinbad (and even more for Rob Thomas, since my respect level for him started at zero) after watching the "Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life" episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

  • ||

    Agreed. They were both actually funny in that episode, which blew me away. Fred Savage is some kind of genius director, I guess.

  • Jame J. B.||

    Dude, First Kid - I laughed through that whole movie. My wife looked at me like she made a mistake...A BIG MISTAKE...

  • ||

    I didn't like the subplot about Internet predation... it's a definite soccer mom fear stroker.

  • New jersey||

    Didn't remember that ... I just laughed at sinbad making fools of the secret service govt goons and then catching a bullet for the kid - AWESOME!!!!!!

  • Warty||

    Enjoy this open letter to the Governator. And also all his screams.

  • ||

    OK. How about a title for Arnold's next movie?

    True Lies?

    Legislature Cop-Out?

    Twin-kies?

  • Paul||

    Colllateral Damage -- no title modification necessary.

  • Paul||

    Selective Recall?

  • ||

    That one would be about Gray Davis, not Arnold.

  • Paul||

    Except sans typos.

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    Homer: Oooh, your early pornos. Heeeey, are any of these hetero?
    Ranier: What's there is there.

  • Spiny Norman||

    Tim: Thank you for using the word "whence" correctly.

  • Paul||

    Tim's the Gramma Pimp!

    You want to know the correct usage of fewer over less, Tim's the go-to-guy for the ruling.

  • Jonas||

    I don't know if anyone's still looking at this thread, but I had to share this.

  • symmetrist||

    Reminded me of this other Aussie sketch.

  • ||

    The whole industry has not come up with a new line of action heroes

    Angelina Jolie disagrees.

  • ||

    Red Heat is the one with Arnold as a Red Army officer/policeman co-starring with Jim Belushi as a wise-craacking Chicago detective. It has cold war humor by the truckload, and Arnold admitted that he had a hard time keeping a stone face with Jim's wisecracks. I remember seeing it in theaters back in the mid-80's.
    As for the other movies, yeah, where's Predator?

  • ||

    Okay, my bad, I see Predator--awesome movie!
    For the best heavy metal tribute to Arnold, there's Austrian Death Machine, formed by As I Lay Dying's Tim Lambesis. ADM's 1st CD is great, 2nd one is pretty good.

  • NL||

    What? No mention of Twins?!

    Of all the movies about genetically-engineered, non-identical twins finally reunited as adults who pursue love and happiness, and learn something about themselves in the process of finding their long-lost mother, the movie Twins has to be in at least the top ten.

  • دردشة مغربية ||

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