Fine Dining at the Reason Restaurant

Slate has a feature up today on imaginary restaurants run by various magazines:

Reason Restaurant

This no-frills spot encourages diners to bring their own food or buy meals off other patrons. If you do use the menu, take care not to order the same thing as your friend—the brusque waiters may dismiss you as a "second-hander." The kitchen's philosophy is appealing if ultimately incoherent, relying heavily on absinthe, hemp, and foie gras. Desserts are a specialty: Order one of the famous gingerbread houses "eminent-domain style" and a waiter dressed as Uncle Sam will whisk it away just as your children start to dig in. They'll go home crying, but they'll have learned a valuable lesson about tyranny. Smokers welcome.

There are several funny lines in the Slate feature (New Yorker Cafe: "the take-home bags are the sort you'd be proud to carry on the subway") but surely Reason commenters can do better.

My first stab:

Weekly Standard Snack Shack

Hearty American fare. Current specials include reheated moose burgers. Decor trends to olive drab. Posted anti-pot smoking policy, but entire waitstaff will sell to you off the record.

American Conservative Cafe

Private members club. Cigar smoke wafts under the heavy oak door. Proof of citizenship requried for all applicants, including busboys.

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  • ||

    Can I have a cheeseburger plain with nuthin on it and some crispy fries please?

    Jessi
    www.web-anonymity.se.tc

  • LarryA||

    They obviously don't know Reason very well, or they'd have included lobster on the menu.

  • ||

    Full of awesome and win

  • ||

    The daily Drink! special as well.

  • ||

    Hopefully, SugarFree will give us a review of the Feministing Sushi House.

  • ||

    This no-frills spot encourages diners to bring their own food or buy meals off other patrons.

    Huh? It's a restaurant. Why not just buy food that the magaurant (restazine?) makes?

    And the Second-Hander joke? Hilarious! Because we're all Objectivists! Get it?

  • anon||

    The New Republic Diner

    Food sucks and the place is run by a bunch of boring, humorless fucks.

  • Young 'Un||

    Still, the eminent domain bit is pretty good. Oh, and smokers welcome.

  • ||

    *Smoking permission determined by The Owner.

    (More accurate libertarian stance, cept it doesn't make sense in the piece unless TGI Reason's is a chain.)

  • ||

    or howabout: "Smokers Welcome. Non-Smokers free to choose whether they want to patronize the establishment or not."

  • Jerry||

    Since the owners are apparently a bunch of Objectivists, smoking is mandatory.

  • ||

    Should i feel bad that i don't even know what being an "Objectivist" means?

    Quite the opposite, i bet it's an ignorance is bliss situation.

  • ||

    It's like being an angrier, warmongering non-cosmo libertarian.

  • ||

    You forgot humorless.

    Objectivists are the feminist wing of miniarchy.

  • humorless literalist||

    Objectivists are the feminist wing of miniarchy.

    That's stupid.

    I'm not a woman.

  • ||

    Humorless? Count me out. Aside from the whole small gov't thing, libertarianism attracted mebecause of the good humor of posters on reason.

    Even in the face of impending doom, we can still make a joke way-too-soon and laugh our asses off about it.

  • Marc||

    They still do Slate?

  • ||

    Slate is so lame.

  • ||

    AdBuster's Cafe

    All the tables and chairs are made of the sort of break-away prop furniture used in Hollywood fight scenes, as the patrons are encouraged to commit vandalism during their meal.

    The cafe is closed 6 out 7 days a week, chosen at random and in secret; on such days the restaurant door is decorated with a spray painted sign reading "It is Buy Nothing Day!"

  • Jeff P||

    The Hit & Run Diner has a "Trolls Welcome" sign on the door.

    And tuesday is ProgDay.

  • anarch||

    The Congressional Record Bistro

    An exhaustive menu and no inventory.

  • anarch||

    Guns and Ammo Eatery

    Closed by Order of The Board of Health.

  • LarryA||

    Reopened by the patrons.

    The Health Department then paged their SWAT team, and found them enjoying lunch in booth 3. The bureaucrats got the hint, and tiptoed away.

  • Jeff P||

    "The food at Reason used to be better when Postrel was head chef..."

  • ||

    +1

  • ||

    It's funny 'cause it's true...

  • Jennifer||

    At the Slate restaurant, maitre'd Eliot Spitzer will pig out on unwholesome foodstuffs, then arrest any customer who tries doing the same thing themselves.

  • anarch||

    Highlights for Children Snack Bar

    Slogan: We do it all for you.

  • ||

    "Aw, man. I got Goofus as a waiter again."

  • ||

    Slate: The Restaurant

    The food there is not terribly good in that it's actually a dry cleaner.

  • ||

    Craigslist Cafe:

    Food is flavored with the salty tears of the newspaper owners they have put out of business with their free classified ads.

    The food is all free -- their business model is based off $10 daily fees paid by the "waitresses" who all call themselves "food escorts", but you know that if you give them a $150 tip, they'll let you give them YOUR tip, after first trying to upsell you to the $300 full-service "sausage stuffed clams" special.

  • ||

    The menu is vast but items don't always appear in the correct categories. Some items are not even dishes, but ads for other restaurants or totally unrelated to food in any way, but don't worry, they'll disappear when the new menu is printed in about 10 minutes. Unfortunately, most of the tasty-sounding, nicely-priced dishes are actually scams. Beware any arrangement involving Western Union, Moneygram, wire transfer, or a chef who is out of the country or cannot meet you in person.

  • ||

    Salon: The Restaurant -- the food's not very good, but there is a chance that Laura Miller will show you her rack.

    Huffington Post: The Restaurant -- the food's not very good, but on most days, Ariana Huffington will show you someone else's rack.

    TNR: The Restaurant -- the food is actually mostly pretty good. Unfortunately, there is a good chance that Marty Peretz will show you his rack.

  • ||

    Huffington Post

    Everything on the menu has the words "Obama," "messiah," "the one," or "hope/change" in it. The garbage cans each have labels with names like "Bush, "Cheney," "Halliburton," etc.

    That's all I got.

  • ||

    Oops, that should have been "Huffington Post Office." Or something.

  • Nate||

    At least I had the good sense to just keep my mouth shut. *shakes head*

  • ||

    The worst part of the Reason Cafe is that they do nothing about the people who run in with no intention of buying anything, shit on the floor and then run back out.

  • ||

    I thought Epi got treatment for that condition?

  • ||

    I let the treatments slide when I know you're going to be eating there. That way I can sneak in the back and drop some liquid "fudge" in your hot chocolate.

  • ||

    "I hope to God this is fudge that I'm eatin'!"

  • ||

    If you name a blog Hit & Run, you can't blame visitors for hitting and running.

  • ||

    There's a difference between stopping by for a bite to eat and the same guy coming by each day to scream about how he'd never eat there.

  • Jason BeanO||

    I'd buy a plate of that< LOL!!

    Jess
    anonodouche.tn.nz

  • ||

    Now the troll is calling itself a douche?

    I like this troll way better than the live ones.

  • humorless literalist||

    I'm not crazy!

    YOU'RE crazy!

    Are you gonna finish that?

  • ||

    Gawker Gastropub

    Not since Cafeteria have trendy gays had an eatery as self-aware and ironic as they are. Enter: the Gawker Gastropub, where the light, fluffy dishes will amuse your bouche and the snarky waiters might too. Payment accepted in the form of especially juicy Gossip Girl blasts.

  • Paul||

    The Slate restaurant: Closed to the public.

  • ||

    And, if Sug's not going to attempt it:

    Feministing's Frites

    You won't come for the ambiance at Feministing- the lighting is harsh and unflattering, and the air awash with shrill clattering. You won't stay for the food either; it is fatty and served with a healthy portion of guilt (just like mom used to make it!). Gentlemen patrons should be prepared to pay double- there's a hefty misogyny surcharge.

  • ||

    +1

  • ||

    Well done, my dear. Unlike the Eggplant crudo they serve because fire is a tool of the patriarchy and the cooking has been used to enslave women since before the dawn of time.

  • Ska||

    Do you have something for 2 in the guilt-free cisgender section?

  • ||

    Sections? Non-intersectionalist swine!

    This is 9624, your genderfucking waitpersonoid. Ze will begrudgingly serve you and talk about the troubles of trans men who still have periods in lieu of a special. Nothing on the menu is special. We don't promote specialism.

  • ||

    Wrong, NutraMisogynist. They make the crudo with eggplant because crudo is supposed to be made with fish; but the patriarchy has stigmatized the vagina by associating it with the smell of fish and therefore fish has been corrupted by the patriarchy. QED, bitches.

  • ||

    I hear you can secretly get the best Mexican food out the back door of 24aheaddotcom.

  • ||

    You cant blame LW for lovin tacos. THEY DELICIOUS!

  • Paul||

    American Conservative Cafe

    Private members club. Cigar smoke wafts under the heavy oak door. Proof of citizenship requried for all applicants, including busboys.

    KMW, I'll handle the jokes:

    American Conservative Cafe

    Private members club. Cigar smoke wafts under the heavy oak door. Serves food on paper plates because they couldn't find a dishwasher.

  • Paul||

    The Time Magazine restaurant.

    New head chef changes every year, usually unqualified.

  • ||

    The kitchen's philosophy is appealing if ultimately incoherent, relying heavily on absinthe, hemp, and foie gras.

    Don't forget bacon-wrapped hot dogs. And deep fried goose liver on a stick.

  • ||

    Srsly, we'd have the best food ever.

  • Paul||

    I'm imagining Matt Welch as the head waiter. How many pieces of flair do you think he'd be wearing?

  • ||

    You know who else liked flair?

  • ||

    None. The waitstaff all wear Gillespie Jackets.

  • Ska||

    I'm thinking more like Jackrabbit Slim's - you might get a Gillespie, a Welch, a KMW, or a Suderman.

    You don't want to get seated in Balko's section.

  • ||

    Why not? He'll accept not being tasered for a tip.

  • ||

    And the five dollar shakes really do have bourbon in them. But the smack they sell out of the bathroom dispensors is some nasty shit because white people know the difference.

  • juris imprudent||

    What, you don't want a heaping plate of outrage orange and delicious govt approved shit-sandwiches?

    Plus some of the time Sullum bus's this section.

  • ||

    Avoid Bailey's section, he'll highly recommend the house special, but he wouldn't be caught dead ordering it.

  • Jason||

    And bacon bourbon at the bar.

  • Paul||

    The Nation Restaurant

    Only way to get into parking lot is to make dangerous left turn across incoming traffic that doesn't stop.

  • ||

    And they've been pushing the same old dishes for generations, just with new names and higher prices.

  • ||

    Once parked, a long queue forms for seating in the all-concrete dining hall. The menu consists only of omelets, which are never served, though the kitchen is literally covered with broken eggs.

    Patrons are despoiled of all of their money by waiters in Mao suits who lecture the hungry diners on the virtues of sacrifice to the good of all diners, denouncing grumbling as the manifestation of false culinary consciousness.

    The restaurant owner and management staff, meanwhile, eat filet and drink champagne in a guarded mahogany dining room.

  • ||

    +1

  • Nate||

    More like +10. Absolutely brilliant.

  • ||

    How do i place a reservation?!

  • ||

    Ask Tony, I think he handles the valet parking there.

  • ||

    Gry****de Cafe: Has a business model based on keeping its location secret.

  • Paul||

    I wouldn't want to be on a comment board that would have me as a poster.

  • Jeff P||

    Vigorously ass-rapes you as you walk in the door, while a warm torrent of liquid shit is blasted in your face.

    That's the cover charge.

    After that its all hugs and free breadsticks.

  • ||

    And kittens. Never forget the kittens.

  • ||

    It's like the bar without a sign out front. Even without the sign, it's packed.

  • ||

    The Atlantic,

    Proud tradition. Been at the current location since the 19th Century. But the menu consists entirely of re-heated left overs from other restaurants. And one of the waiters demands to see every female patron's OBGYN records.

  • Paul||

    That's... kind of a win.

  • ||

    THE joe P BOYLE BISTRO!

    All food is carefully inspected by the USDA (I mean, who else is going to do it?). It's certified to be healthy by the Center for Science in the Public Interest (BUTTER? There's the door, pal!). And it's prepared and served by union hacks (when they're not on strike). And sure, it's way more expensive than any other place on earth, but it feels good, and that's what counts.

    And if you try to tell joe why his food or prices sucks, he will respond with "Yup. Out of here."

  • ||

    You forgot. When you complain about the service and the food, the owner screams that you are racist and leaves.

  • ||

    Eat at joe's...or you're a Nazi!

  • ||

    joe is the Soup Nazi?

    I would think the Boyle Bistro would also be carefully zoned so that couples on dates would be far from kids' birthday parties.

  • ||

    And if another customer comes in who looks like they'll spend more than you, you get kicked out of your seat.

  • ||

    A dish they call "The Kelo Surprise."

  • Citizen Nothing||

    Ya know, I think we should just let go of the joe thing. We're giving him more of a legacy than he deserved.

  • ||

    where did he go? did he make a grand exit?

  • ||

    Many grand exits. Finally made good on his promise. Good riddance.

  • ||

    I've been trying to switch the nostalgia over to Thoreau. Far more deserving of our remembrance.

  • ||

    The kitchen's philosophy is appealing if ultimately incoherent

    Right. One wonders what coherent philosophy Slate has.

    Am I the only one fed up with cons and libs thinking that libertarianism is incoherent because it's "sometimes conservative and sometimes liberal"?

  • ||

    No you are not. But liberals are very comfortable in the knowledge that everyone who disagrees with them is some knuckle dragging evangelical. I have gotten into arguments on the slate boards over stuff like global warming or Obama and consistently had liberals throw in a line something to the effect "thinking people rely on facts and don't think the world is 3000 years old". No kidding. The idea that someone could disagree with them on and not fit into their stereotype is beyond their comprehension.

  • ||

    And I forgot "why don't you get your facts from someone besides Rush Limbaugh!!" That is a common one. Everyone who is right of the editorial board at The New Republic gets all of their views from listening to Rush Limbaugh or I guess now the evil Glen Beck. The thought that I don't listen to either is incomprehensible to them. They wouldn't believe it if I told them.

  • juris imprudent||

    One wonders what coherent philosophy Slate has.

    Sum dim.

  • ||

    Funny!

  • ||

    "Posted anti-pot smoking policy, but entire waitstaff will sell to you off the record."

    Yeah, man. Bill Kristol smokes hella blunts.

  • ||

    Mother Jones' Cafe

    Located in Greenwich Village, the all-vegan menu is served by surly, hairy-legged "priestesses".

    Any patrons that are cold and wishing to have the thermostat raised will be accused of being Restaurant Climate Warming Deniers and ejected.

  • ||

    TMZ Paparazzeria. We don't actually serve anything fit for human consumption. We do,however, have the most comprehensive menu containing high quality exclusive photos of what the popular restaurants are serving. Photos include generous descriptions containing sarcasm, snark, and stupid self-aggrandizing humour.

  • ||

    Much enjoyed that one.

  • ||

    Freeper Café:
    No ethnic food allowed. Birth certificate required.

  • ||

    Do you have something for 2 in the guilt-free cisgender section?

    "Sorry (not really!)- we don't cater to self-deluded tools of the Patriarchy; you'd be happier at the Walmart food court."

  • Ska||

    I don't even want to eat, I just want to watch the freak show.

  • ||

    There's a cafe across the street with binoculars that will cater to your needs.

  • ||

    Jezebel Bistro

    An empty dining hall with a constant loop of Lady Gaga playing.

  • ||

    My favorite so far!

  • ||

    -Now offering complementary emesis buckets!

  • ||

    With complementary tableside emesis basins for our body image conscious guests.

  • ||

    Washington Post Cafe:

    Serves the same thing as the New York Times Cafe, but the specials are sometimes slightly different, as in they use Romaine lettuce instead of Boston Lettuce.

  • WaPo Waitstaff||

    You'll enjoy what we serve you; we know what's better for you, after all.

  • ||

    I hear the New York Times Cafe won't even consider hiring a chef who hasn't been fired from every other restaurant in town. Unless his daddy works there already.

  • Jeff P||

    Hires chefs that steal recipes from other chefs.

    Also, whatever the day's special is, women and minorities are impacted the most...

  • juris imprudent||

    Everything served in pallid gray or sallow yellow.

  • ||

    Don't forget the grimacing...errr smiling...

    Hostess with the (erstwhile) mostess, Maureen!

    (Don't tell anyone but we just keep the decrepit old sot 'cause she's got nowhere else to go!)

  • ||

    Kos Tea Room

    If you can choke down your meal, it's free. We'll just make your date pay double.

  • Citizen Nothing||

    This has inspired me to post an old column about what could be called the anti-Reason cafe on my blog.
    Why you would read it, I haven't a clue. But there it is.

  • Jeff P||

    Entertainment Weekly.

    Imagine an Olive Garden in Hell...

  • B||

    Imagine an Olive Garden in Hell...

    But you repeat yourself.

  • ||

    Dante thought hell was layers though. So a hell inside a hell isn't too far-fetched.

  • ||

    Obama Care Cafe

    Healthy choices but long wait for meals to arrive, worse when SEIU wait staff on strike.

    Excellent value as all tabs are picked up by the American Conservative Cafe

  • ||

    I'm pretty sure the Reason bistro would;
    - be warm in the winter cool in the summer
    - serve home brewed wine beer and spirits
    - strippers in the back where the children can't see
    - a place to hang your firearm, at your table
    - an a la carte menu that reads "whatever you want"

    Lots of people will come there to eat, as long as no one finds out and will be shut down by the IRS for tax evasion

  • ||

    "strippers in the back where the children can't see"

    Fucking agist.

  • ||

    Mother Jones Soup Kitchen

    Show your Union card at the door and get half off. No frills cafeteria style buffet. The fare is thin gruel but expect to be charged top dollar. Picnic table seating, no cloths. No choice who you sit with and everyone is encouraged to eat off each others plate.

  • ||

    Drab clothes are encouraged and women with unshaven legs get a discount.

  • Jeff P||

    All meals constiture murder and rape.

  • ||

    Little Green Footballs Dining Lounge:

    Complaints about recent menu changes have led to many longtime patrons being banned from the establishment.

  • BakedPenguin||

    Don't forget that anything could be fried in trans-fat, if you so desired, including poutain.

    When KMW is the guest chef, snake, eel, goat's brain, and other items may be on the menu.

    There is an adjoining "coffee shop", however only 18+ are admitted.

  • Nipplemancer||

    don't forget about the endangered menu - if it ain't extinct, it's on here!

  • ||

    poutain

    That is either a horrible misspelling of poutine, a pathetic misspelling of poontang or an delicious sounding portmanteau of the two.

  • BakedPenguin||

    Some guys like to lick chocolate off their women, some like fried mozzarella with gravy...

  • The Libertarian Guy||

    Unrelated oral sex tip:

    Remove cat's teeth before pouring gravy on vagina.

  • ||

    +1

  • humorless literalist||

    Don't eat at the Time Magazine Cafe; they serve what appears to be food, but you leave the table starving.

  • Anomalous||

    Washington Times Cafe:

    Check out our homemade Moon Pies.

  • Solanum||

    Glenn Greenwald Sockpuppet Inn

    Make reservations under any name you want. Be sure to sample the Brazilian Fruitcake.

  • ||

    I love how that little dweeb got away with that. How does he still have a job?

  • ||

    USA Today Cafe. All food is served in bite sized seran wrapped pieces.

  • ||

    And they only serve food in primary colors.

  • ||

    and the menu is chock full of ludicrous graphs

  • ||

    NPR cafe: Seating for Obama lapdogs only

  • ||

    The ACORN House of Fine Eats: Where we spread it around!

    -Community and Minority Oriented Establishment!

    -All meals charged to the Federal Gov!

    -White folk must prostitute themselves for menu items
    (we'll show you how and how to properly "file" your proceeds, after you pay your fair share!)

    -Menu fare oriented to the discriminating palate!

    -Recently received top reviews by our own internal reviewers!

    -Equal Opportunity Employer with excellent health benefits!
    (prospective applicants currently residing six feet under are especially encouraged to apply!)

    -Hours of operation may be limited, due to frequent union "disagreements".

    -Tolerant and relaxed dress code.

  • ||

    -We have never had a complaint made against anyone in the organization except for the people who work for us.

    -The health inspector is racist, don't listen to him!

    -Multiple counts of attempted food poisoning means nothing. We threw out all those bad plates of food. Honest!

  • ||

    -WE DO GOD'S WORK

  • ||

    -As seen on TV, prominent national chain!

    -Family oriented, especially the tweeners!

    -Special discount for visiting immigrants available!

  • ||

    ACORN isn't a magazine.

  • ||

    "We may not be a magazine or official publication, but we would be remiss if we were unmentioned, due to the lack of the aforementioned periodicals lack of covering our recent advertising push."

  • ||

    Ace of Spades Ristorante:

    Fine Ewok cuisine (Yub Yub). Scandinavians not welcome.

  • HeadTater||

    Don't forget that Reason Restaurant proudly serves trans-fats if you so choose.

    Absinthe and hemp sound like a fine meal to me. Foie Gras... I'm not so sure about that.

  • Solanum||

    Steve Smith's Delicatessen

    Your one stop source for rare, difficult to procure varieties of meat.

  • Nipplemancer||

    and all the rape you can take.

  • ||

    It's the special everyday!

  • ||

    STEVE NO APPRECIATE MAKE FUN OF STEVE EATING PLACE! RESTAURANT BUSINESS TOUGH! OVER 50% FAIL FIRST YEAR, SO STEVE THINK HE DO PRETTY WELL! BESIDES, STEVE CAN RAPE HEALTH INSPECTOR SO NO WORRIES ABOUT BEING SHUT DOWN BECAUSE STAFF CONSISTS OF COCKAROACHES!

  • Ska||

    It's so simple it's positively brilliant.

  • B||

    Gourmet Magazine Cafe

    The only one of its kind worth eating at. Out of business.

  • ||

    I took the wife to The Reason Cafe recently. We left after 45 minutes of no service. The waitstaff and kitchen staff were in such a heated discussion over which beer to serve and what type of pizza to make that they were oblivious to the customers.

  • Ska||

    +1

  • Jackson Kuhl||

    I can't resist:

    The GQ Grill

    The predominately male but totally straight clientele is eager to share tips about the latest $5,000 suits, cuticle care, and how to please your girlfriend in bed, ha ha. Décor consists of portraits of waxed, puffy-lipped young men advertising Dolce & Gabbana, Kenneth Cole, and numerous colognes. Patrons may make eye contact with you, then get up and walk to the men's room but in a totally 100 percent hetero way. Often easy to find a table due to competition from the nearby Esquire Brewhouse and Men's Health Massage-and-a-Milkshake. Convenient locations in Chelsea and Greenwich Village.

  • juris imprudent||

    Wonkette & Robbins:

    31 different flavors of toe-cheese.

  • The Libertarian Guy||

    The Liberal Foodstuffs Buffet

    All meals same price; patrons with incomes under five times poverty level will have their meals involuntarily paid for by strangers passing by the restaurant.

    Rules and menu:

    No carbs, no trans-fats, no smoking, no alcoholic beverages, no oppressive American-based cuisine, no running, no smiling, children under 15 must be in car safety seats at the table. All dishes free-range, fair-trade, and made only with union-grown vegetables (no meat dishes available) and cooked only by union chefs.

    Average bill: $1937.21 per person, subsidized by taxpayer "contributions".

    Democrat Party elected officials eat free!

  • KD||

    Ah, but liberals love the carbs... won't someone please think of the poor wheat and corn farmers that need subsidies?

  • Jeff P||

    Weekly World News
    Bat Steaks.
    Texas Toast w/ image of Christ or Mary.
    All waiters dressed as alien-abducted Elvis, clone of Marilyn Monroe, or the Kennedy Anti-Christ.
    Menu written in style of Ed Anger

  • emerson||

    Cat Fancy Restaurant

    Serves only cat food.

    (Take that, you liberal Cat Fancy editors!)

  • ||

    Inn on the Field and Stream

    Shoot or catch your own dinner.

  • Scott Lahti||

    Commentary

    The dour manager of 40 years recently handed the keys to his son who, though larger of girth, oddly tips the scales at less than half his dad’s weight (cf. the NRO, above, minus the Dad-and-grad turn). Signature dishes: cloudy mushroom soup, warmed-over borscht.

    The Nation

    The split among staff between vegetarians and carnivores dates back 70 years, with the latter admitting that the slaughter alike of both the world’s cattle and half the staff of the restaurant’s foreign franchises, while “regrettable” “excesses”, is the price of Progress in ensuring More Abundant Meals For All. If you make the mistake of bringing up inter-eatery espionage, be prepared to listen to protestations of martyrdom long past closing time by the sons and daughters of those so accused among the waitstaff clearing your table.

    National Review Online

    On the vestibule wall, a Latin-framed photo of the dart-tongued founder leaning at a 45-degree angle holding a clipboard with the first menu. When you ask the smirking head waiter after the availability of organic vegetables, free-range poultry or Eurobrews, he tells you how, given the penchant of early C20 Italian naturists for enjoying all of those, he persuaded the owners to stick with spare ribs, home fries with gravy and Budweiser. The maitresse d’ never misses a chance to promote the hot-cross buns and the various “cruciferous” vegetables.

    The New Republic

    Oil portraits of Woodrow Wilson, John Dewey and two Singers, the sewing-machine pioneer and the writer Isaac Bashevis, line the vestibule. The entire staff, not excepting the hat-check girl, studied at Harvard. Your waiter may, before being fired, recommend outlandish specials that do not in fact exist, the head chef’s prior gig was in the Israeli Defense Force, and all the Kosher dessert specialties from the glum Brillo-pated pastry chef leave you feeling sadder but wiser, and self-mockingly guilty.

    Vanity Fair

    The glossy decor is betrayed by occasional reminders among the legacy wall photos that those owning the restaurant’s nameplate in the Jazz Age could tell stories to set the current team to fits of envy. Your waiter is at once unctuous and preoccupied with scanning the other tables the better not to miss all patrons more glamorous than you. Where some establishments have their “no flashbulbs” rules, this one reverses course in training waitstaff in the arts of makeup and shutter speeds. And every night you’ve been there, so has a sleepy-eyed Charlie Rose.

    The Wall Street Journal

    The middle column of the menu cover, continued on the reverse, affords an offbeat profile of the establishment’s early decades, with the daily specials in two dedicated columns left of center. Signature dishes, e.g., a crusty chicken dish nicknamed the “Vermont Rooster” by old-time patrons, are illustrated in anachronist dot-pointillism. The dessert menu on the inside back page is much in demand among newly-rich patrons, though thanks to shifts in the national climate, there has been trouble of late on the supply side. The bar now offers on-tap Foster’s.

  • ||

    The Nation Review Restaurant

    Patrons are welcomed by a large brass Buddha-like sculpture of Newt Gingrich urinating on a Mexican family. Drinks are pricey and watered down. Only cigar smoke, sorry. No exotic international fare here, just steak and burgers. VIPs can lounge in the Skull & Bones room and mingle. Staffed by the CIA.

  • MattXIV||

    NYT Steakhouse

    The bulk of the menu consists of standard, relatively meaty American fare with a slight twist, and is tolerable if not delicious.

    In contrast, the chef's originals, while no longer massively overpriced, remain dominated by uninspired poultry dishes, with the few exceptions almost seeming to have be chosen to make the poultry dishes look better by contrast, such as the Brooks Trout, which tastes far more like chicken than fish, and the fortunately discontinued Kristol Brisket, which was simply uniformly terrible.

    Diners are advised to stay away from the trend stories and pastries - they tend to either be stale or half-baked.

    While often considered the standard against which other steakhouses are judged, despite the owner's beliefs this has more to do with the predictability of the fare and length of continuous operation than any particular culinary greatness.

  • ||

    In These Times Community Soup Kitchen

    The only thing on the menu is Stone Soup and Chicken Pot Pie. Chicken Pot Pie to be served only AFTER the Revolution. Only Vegan organic ingredients in the soup permitted.
    Donations are on the honor system, but the soup pot is conspicuously located in the entranceway, so anyone not donating will be noted and shunned. American flags are used as bibs, then ritually burned at the end of each evening.

  • wizard of oz books||

    With many new announcement about the wizard of oz movies in the news, you might want to consider starting to obtain Wizard of Oz books series either as collectible or investment at www.RareOzBooks.com.

  • Carrie Jean||

    I have to ask what a moose burger is? That sounds very good actually. What's the best steakhouse restaurant to get this at?

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