Slate has a feature up today on imaginary restaurants run by various magazines:
This no-frills spot encourages diners to bring their own food or buy meals off other patrons. If you do use the menu, take care not to order the same thing as your friend—the brusque waiters may dismiss you as a "second-hander." The kitchen's philosophy is appealing if ultimately incoherent, relying heavily on absinthe, hemp, and foie gras. Desserts are a specialty: Order one of the famous gingerbread houses "eminent-domain style" and a waiter dressed as Uncle Sam will whisk it away just as your children start to dig in. They'll go home crying, but they'll have learned a valuable lesson about tyranny. Smokers welcome.
There are several funny lines in the Slate feature (New Yorker Cafe: "the take-home bags are the sort you'd be proud to carry on the subway") but surely Reason commenters can do better.
My first stab:
Weekly Standard Snack Shack
Hearty American fare. Current specials include reheated moose burgers. Decor trends to olive drab. Posted anti-pot smoking policy, but entire waitstaff will sell to you off the record.
American Conservative Cafe
Private members club. Cigar smoke wafts under the heavy oak door. Proof of citizenship requried for all applicants, including busboys.