I'm wondering where in the world Alan Keyes could be, I been looking for him even clear through Tennessee

Jesse Walker | May 8, 2008

For heaven's sake, stop encouraging him:

The Constitution Party may not want Alan Keyes but some people do. Keyes scored his best Republican primary performance of the campaign last night, winning 3 percent of the vote in North Carolina (although he still trailed John McCain, Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul, and "no preference"). Keyes continues to run as an independent. And the state party chairman of the American Independent Party, Keyes's largest bloc of support at the CP national convention, told Ballot Access News that he would still like to nominate Keyes for president.

Comments

Taktix®|5.8.08 @ 8:08AM|#

This guy is like the lonewacko of national politics.

Travis Prinzi|5.8.08 @ 8:29AM|#

Title of this post = great play on a Dylan line. Nice.

joe|5.8.08 @ 8:30AM|#

CNN needs to come up with a reason to air a Gravel-Keyes debate.

|5.8.08 @ 8:44AM|#

Right on, joe. Maybe they could get Jim Cramer to host it with his wacky Mad Money noise machine. A fine "boooinnnngggg" every time the camera makes a close-up on Keyes' bug-eyes would lend the proper gravitas to the proceedings. If things start slowing down, give Gravel a large rock.

If politics can't be relevant, it can at least be entertaining.

Episiarch|5.8.08 @ 8:49AM|#

Keyes seems like a rare candidate in that he might actually agree to replacing a debate with a cage match. No holds barred. The ref? Triple-H or Stone Cold Steve Austin.

|5.8.08 @ 9:10AM|#

he might actually agree to replacing a debate with a cage match. No holds barred.

I favor a "junkyard wars" format. Turn the candidates loose in a dimly lit warehouse seeded with raw materials; the first one who can construct a lethal apparatus, and use it to eliminate the other candidates, will be anointed President.

An excellent test of real world problem solving.

[reminiscent of the Kirk vs "Lizard Man" episode, in which Kirk builds the bamboo cannon.]

Episiarch|5.8.08 @ 9:16AM|#

reminiscent of the Kirk vs "Lizard Man" episode, in which Kirk builds the bamboo cannon.

It was a Gorn, dude. From the episode Arena. You fail at Star Trek.

I would prefer Bread and Circuses, myself.

|5.8.08 @ 9:20AM|#

You fail at Star Trek.

That's it, then.

Goodbye, cruel world....

|5.8.08 @ 9:29AM|#

Wait, wait: is Lenora Fulani running for president?'

How about Judge Roy Moore?

|5.8.08 @ 9:30AM|#

Speaking of pop culture references, Hillary is beginning to remind me of the Black Night.

"Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!"

ktc2|5.8.08 @ 9:41AM|#

If you say his name three times he appears.

So let's never speak of him again, please.

|5.8.08 @ 9:47AM|#

Gorn
Gorn
Gorn

Take that, ktc2!

Episiarch|5.8.08 @ 9:49AM|#

Biggie Smalls
Biggie Smalls
Biggie Smalls

|5.8.08 @ 10:00AM|#

Dunkin Ice Coffee
Dunkin Ice Coffee
Dunkin Ice Coffee

|5.8.08 @ 10:14AM|#

Jessee deserves major props for the Bob Dylan reference in the headline. For once I agree with Joe. A Gravel Keyes debate moderated by that lunatic from mad money would be made for TV entertainment.

|5.8.08 @ 10:27AM|#

Yeah, this comment thread is dedicated to all the teachers that told me I'd never amount to nothin', to all the people that lived above the buildings that I was hustlin' in front of that called the police on me when I was just tryin' to make some money to feed my daughters, and all the niggaz in the struggle, you know what I'm sayin'?

Naga Sadow|5.8.08 @ 10:40AM|#

There should be a Thunderdome match between all the candidates for president. Otherwise, Keyes is wasting his time . . . every four years until there is another election. I'm beginning to suspect he's immortal.

Butters|5.8.08 @ 10:41AM|#

But Dad, Biggie Smalls is gonna bust a cap in my ass!

Episiarch|5.8.08 @ 10:41AM|#

I'm beginning to suspect he's immortal.

There can be only one.

Colin|5.8.08 @ 10:42AM|#

"CNN needs to come up with a reason to air a Gravel-Keyes debate."

Screw CNN -- put it on payperview and have them debate in a steel cage.

Naga Sadow|5.8.08 @ 10:46AM|#

Episiarch,

I was thinking more vampire or werewolf but your way is better . . . and funnier.

|5.8.08 @ 10:46AM|#

But if it doesn't do so and instead gives its California ballot line to Keyes, then what? If you disaffiliate the AIP, the Constitution Party loses its claim to be America's third largest political party.

Who'd be #3 then? The Greens? The Reform Party? Surely not the Libertarians.