America’s Richest Football Team Needs Your Help

Will you make a difference today?

Pardon me, but could you help out a few fellow Americans who are down on their luck?

In just four weeks, the City of Richmond will be taking in these poor unfortunates – men who have had to scrape by on only a few million dollars a year.

Sometimes even less.

Thanks to the incredible generosity of the Bon Secours Health System, the Commonwealth of Virginia, the City of Richmond, and countless taxpayers, they will have a place to stay: the new, $10 million Redskins Training Camp.

The city moved Heaven and Earth – not to mention a bunch of trees – to make sure these destitute souls could practice their passes and sacks without having to worry about money.


Officials expect thousands of concerned fans to descend on the training camp to watch over the players. Some of these compassionate citizens will be coming from far away. They, too, will need your help.

That is why the City of Richmond has launched its Training Camp Ambassadors Program. Part of the larger Neighbor to Neighbor initiative – designed to “inspire each of us to develop a closer relationship with our neighbor” – the Ambassadors program will give area citizens “the opportunity to assist the Washington Redskins in creating a positive fan experience.”

The need is truly great. To help handle the crowds, the city is asking for as many as 100 volunteers to serve as ambassadors.


Of course, service will require commitment. According to city documents, “Ambassadors will report to Washington Redskins leadership at the beginning of every shift for specific duties of the day.” Ambassadors “should be able to commit to multiple shifts. . . . Ambassadors should arrive on-time [sic] for their scheduled work period and be able to stand for long periods while working outside in typical summer weather.”

And because the Redskins have so little, Ambassadors will be volunteers. You will not be paid for helping them.

This is your chance to be a hero to those in need.

For just pennies a day, you can drive to the Redskins Training Camp to assist the fans and players – players such as . . .

  • Robert Griffin III. Born in the Third-World city of Okinawa, Robert was forced to move time and again by parents who eked out a living as sergeants in the U.S. Army. For several years now, he has managed to survive by relying on his physical skills as a seasonal worker.
  • Jeremy Trueblood. At 6’8” and 320 pounds, Jeremy – who lost his job last year – is sometimes so hungry he can barely stand up. On top of that, the right tackle has only recently regained the use of his right arm. “I was so used to it hurting,” he says. Thanks to surgery, he is feeling much better.
  • Chris Thompson. This courageous little man – he is only 5’7” – was in “the worst pain in my life” after a back injury not long ago. Now that doctors have cleared his return to the field, he says, “my biggest goal is to just show myself that I can play again.”

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  • UnCivilServant||

    Yay! My comment caused a reaction - we got the article. Deleted my comment, but I don't care.

    And why should anyone give their time for free to a for-profit agency? If they're in need of financing for the people to direct visitors, charge admission - or use the funds from the admission you charge to pay for the help.

    I know, the article was satirical along the exact same lines, but satire detection was a module on my broken sarcasm detector.

  • Juice||

    And why should anyone give their time for free to a for-profit agency?

    Or be forced to pay for their stadia and training camps? Or be forced to pay them at all? Starting next year we'll all be forced to pay for-profit agencies to the tune of thousands of dollars a year.

  • ||

    Who could possibly support the general idea of more limited government, when the government does so much to lift people out of poverty?

  • umh||

    I wish I had been able to say no to the whole idea.

  • cheerblossom||

    This is just one of the sarcastic reasons why riches become more richer. The income gap between the wealthy elite and the shrinking class is wider than it was a year ago. According to Forbes, most of the 400 wealthiest people in the country saw their net worth increase since this time in 2011. Source for this article: get much more information with


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