Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and To Rome with Love

An anemic muddle and a good Woody Allen.

Among other unfortunate things, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter must be the crummiest-looking big-budget movie of the year to date. The picture has the flat lighting of a TV soap opera, and its effects—brazenly fakey landscapes under highly unlikely skies—might have been devised by a small child with a birthday watercolor set.

Also problematic is the film’s star, Benjamin Walker, a well-regarded stage actor who’s too bland here—and, worse, a bit too Randy-Quaid-like—to really work the stovepipe hat of our sixteenth president.

The Lincoln we have in this telling, of course, is more than just the log-chopper and Great Emancipator of history: he’s a scourge of the legions of vampires who infest his young country (with a heavy concentration in the Old South). This cute idea is the work of screenwriter Seth Grahame-Smith, adapting his own novel, which was itself a sequel to his breakthrough stunt, the 2009 Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. The movie might have been better with a bit more humor—well, intentional humor—of the sort that would seem to be inherent in the story’s smart-aleck concept. But Kazakhstani director Timur Bekmambetov is not a man to whom one goes for sly wit. Best known for his sprawling Russian vampire films Night Watch and Day Watch, and for the amusingly excessive Angelina Jolie vehicle Wanted, Bekmambetov is a filmmaker for whom too much can never begin to be enough, and he pulls out every available stop for the two most imaginative sequences here—a wild chase staged amid a thundering horse stampede and a raging confrontation aboard a train racing across a burning railroad bridge.

You can almost feel the director’s attention wander during the movie’s occasional quiet interludes—at a decorous ballroom gathering, for example—and then snap back for each of the many fight scenes. Unfortunately, this being the oblivious Bekmambetov, the leaping slo-mo martial moves on display, purportedly taking place in the mid-19th century, clearly date back no farther than The Matrix.

The story is simple. At the age of nine, little Abe runs afoul of a vile character named Barts (Marton Csokas, over-snarling). Barts is secretly a vampire, and when he steals into the cabinesque Lincoln home and bites Abe’s mother, causing her death, the boy vows to someday exact revenge. Nine years later, he’s ready. Armed with a pistol, he confronts Barts and shoots him. You can imagine how that goes. Having failed, Abe (now played by Walker) comes under the tutelage of Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper), a rogue vampire who’s determined, for touching personal reasons, to expunge the countrywide vampire plague, and ultimately to exterminate the top bloodsucker, a handsome fiend named Adam (Rufus Sewell).

Here it must be mentioned that all of the vampires in this movie are able to walk around in broad daylight solely with the aid of stylish steampunk sunglasses. Just so you know.

Abe takes a job clerking in a general store. He reunites with his childhood friend Will Johnson (Anthony Mackie), who becomes his loyal factotum. He studies law and hones his oratory skills. With tips from Sturgess he begins to terminate local vampires, using a trusty axe with a silver-coated blade. He meets the angelic Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), his future wife. He glues on a beard. He becomes a legislator. He becomes president. Then the Civil War breaks out, for reasons more complex than those traditionally adduced.

It turns out that the conflict wasn’t solely about abolishing slavery; it was also about vampire civil rights. (Feel free to think True Blood here.) The vampires want their own homeland, and in one scene we see the foul Adam extracting a promise of same from Confederate leader Jefferson Davis, the tradeoff being a commitment of vampire troops to the Rebel cause.

This is pretty clever. And it’s funny to see Union soldiers rearing back in horror as the uniformed vampires attack, their jaws stretched wide to bare mouths full of phlegm-webbed fangs. But since this effect is attained with the most cheapjack CGI (you’d never guess Tim Burton was a producer on this project), and since we see so much of it throughout the film, the thrill soon fades.

The movie ends with a jokey reference to a future tragedy that drew snickers at the screening I attended. But maybe the whole picture should have been played for laughs. That might have been a better—or at least more entertaining—direction to pursue. As opposed to the direction in which I suspect this movie may soon be headed.

To Rome with Love

In his late-period Euro films, Woody Allen has been content to employ the most familiar tourist sites for shorthand atmosphere. In the 2005 Match Point he wheeled in Westminster and St. James’s Park; in last year’s Midnight in Paris we got the Pont Neuf and the spires of Notre Dame. Now, in To Rome with Love, he naturally highlights the Colosseum and the Spanish Steps; and in a more resonant moment, he shows us a flirting couple at the Fontana di Trevi, where Marcello Mastroianni and Anita Ekberg splashed about in Fellini’s La Dolce Vita, more than 50 years ago.  

Allen is an avid Fellini admirer, and like the master’s great film, his latest is an examination of, among other things, the phenomenon of fame and the shallows of celebrity. It’s not a profound contemplation—Allen’s touch is light and charmingly comic, and he’s too sophisticated to pretend that even the most burdensome fame has no compensating pleasures. Why lie?

The director’s script is a roundelay of unconnected stories. In one of these we meet young Jack (Jesse Eisenberg), an American student living in Rome studying architecture. In the street he encounters John (Alec Baldwin), a famous architect on vacation, who spent his own student days in Rome—in Jack’s very neighborhood—long ago. Jack invites the older man back to the apartment he shares with his girlfriend Sally (Greta Gerwig), who informs Jack that her friend Monica (Ellen Page) will soon be arriving to spend some time with them. Sally notes that Monica is sensual and seductive, and the middle-aged John, remembering the ill-advised infatuations of his own youth, immediately warns Jack not to become involved with her.

This proves difficult. Monica, when she arrives, chatters provocatively about a lesbian affair she once had and scatters intellectual buzzwords—Rilke, Gaudí, Pound—like worn pennies. John knows she’s a poser, but Jack is entranced. Finally giving up, John tells him, “Go ahead, walk into the propeller.”

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  • Randian||

    a good Woody Allen.

    Oxymoron. I would rather live live these guys' lives than watch another shitty Woody Allen movie.

  • Mike M.||

    Seconded. I've never found the whole "nebbishy New York Jew" routine to be even a little funny, and I don't know how anyone ever has.

  • Ice Nine||

    You might have a point if all WA movies had been about nebbishy NYJs.

  • Pro Libertate||

    I like his earlier, funnier movies.

  • Ice Nine||

    I never wanted to see any of his flicks again but I enjoyed a lot of them. But those were the better ones for sure.

  • John||

    You will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger and Midnight in Paris are both really good. As good as his earlier stuff.

  • sunny black||

    well, over 50% of them are. And the movies where some WASP actor stands in for Woody Allen's presence, they adopt the same annoying, neurotic, overly-talkative, beta male mannerisms.

  • Red Rocks Rockin||

    You might have a point if all WA movies had been about nebbishy NYJs.

    That's pretty much all he's made since "Hannah and Her Sisters".

  • Mike M.||

    Pretty much Allen's entire career has been based on the portrayal of one character, and that character is of course a sterotype. It doesn't bother me; I don't have a problem with stereotypes, I just never found his character funny is all. Obviously some people do.

    For my money, when it comes to Jewish humor, Mel Brooks blows Woody Allen out of the water.

  • sunny black||

    "I've never found the whole "nebbishy New York Jew" routine to be even a little funny, and I don't know how anyone ever has."

    FINALLY, THE TRUTH.

  • Scarcity||

    Is my meter broken, or is this honestly the first time you've heard someone hate on Woody Allen movies?

    Most people don't like his movies - look at his box office history. But some people like (at least some of) them a lot. I'm in the latter camp after spending years in the former. Ain't no big deal either way.

  • RPR2||

    the Lincoln movie sounds terrible. I'd rather see it though.

  • Red Rocks Rockin||

    The book was written by a comic-book nerd who thought putting ARGGH MONSTERS into classic novels would improve the product. Expecting anything other than the most superficial entertainment is expecting far too much.

  • mybarber||

    'Save the children, Woody Allen can't marry them all"

  • Chris Mallory||

    Abe Lincoln as a super hero? Who next? Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot?

  • mybarber||

    So Lincln equals Stalin,Hitler and Pol Pot?So what does F.D.R.equal,Lex Luther and Dr. Doom?

  • ChrisO||

    Grover Cleveland.

  • Marshall Gill||

    Not only were all southerners slavers, they were vampires as well.

    Just look at what Federalism creates!

  • R C Dean||

    I kinda had hopes for AL:VH. I liked Day Watch and Night Watch, although maybe as much for the grungy Russian settings and refreshing absence of Hollywood as anything else.

    Oh, well. There's a new Pixar coming, and while I can't say they never disappoint, that's only because their standards (and so my expectations) are so high.

  • ||

    Glad I'm not the only grown-ass man going to see Brave.

  • Rasilio||

    Err yeah, I have to go see this movie cause of my kids, yeah that's the ticket.

    On the plus side Brave + Madagascar 3 at the Drive In for $15 a carload this weekend.

    I probably wouldn't have bothered to pay to see Madagascar 3 (why can't they just drop the main characters and just make a Penguins/King Julien movie like they should) on it's own it makes a nice little bonus feature.

  • LarryA||

    In most of the movie lists for this year, Brave turned out to be the only original. Everything else was sequel, prequel, comic book, or remake.

  • Pro Libertate||

    It's one of those jokes that should've remained a joke. A book is too far; a movie is gratuitous.

  • Ben the Duck||

    The book was beyond atrocious. I can't imagine a screen adaptation of said tome adding anything of conceivable interest, unless the role of Mary Todd Lincoln were to be assayed by (oh, say) a topless Salma Hayek.

  • sunny black||

    It's one of those half-baked ideas that should have been made into a 5 minute youtube clip. And fanboys could wax deliriously on the comment page about how it sucks that no one has the balls to make this into a movie; and how people don't make real movies anymore.

  • Red Rocks Rockin||

    It's one of those half-baked ideas that should have been made into a 5 minute youtube clip.

    That the preview is actually pretty cool-looking only serves to confirm this.

  • Red Rocks Rockin||

    Even Pixar's been phoning it in for a while now.

  • Rasilio||

    Why can't you say they never dissappoint? Every one of their movies was at least very good with Cars 2 being the only one which is threatening to fall into the merely average category (Larry the Cable Guy as comic relief, brilliant, as the leading man, bordering on disaster but somehow they pulled it off and made a good movie out of it).

  • R C Dean||

    Allen’s touch is light and charmingly comic,

    I guess there's a first time for everything.

  • Brutus||

    I can't believe Loder actually went and saw a preposterous waste of celluloid as AL:VH.

  • Randian||

    I can't believe Loder actually went and saw a preposterous waste of celluloid as AL:VH. Midnight in Paris

    FIFY

  • ChrisO||

    He definitely took one for the team by doing that.

  • Rasilio||

    Hey it's amazing how low your standards sink when you're getting paid for it.

    That said I highly doubt any celluloid was used for AL:VH, it was probably all digital from the get go.

  • NotSure||

    A Kazakhstani director making a movie about Abraham Lincoln killing vampires, how can this movie not be a hit.

  • Loki||

    Kazakhstani director Timur Bekmambetov

    So they got Borat to direct this POS.

    "This is Abraham Lincoln. He is number 4 vampire hunter in whole of Kazakhstan."

  • sunny black||

    It's possible I'm reading too much into this, but between the vampire movie and Django Unchained (another revisionist hate-flick directed at rubes of the South -- who were all Democrats, by the way) I'm detecting what was intended to be a trend for this election cycle.

    'Only our heroic Obama, unshackled from the chains of Libertarian oppression and gridlock, can slay all those hicks with their desire for individual freedom and free markets. Don't forget to vote for him...'

  • John||

    Expect the southern hate to only get worse, especially if Obama loses in November.

  • sunny black||

    Knock on wood -- for that last part.

  • Nyarlathotep||

    You know that Abe Lincoln was the first Republican president, right? I was actually surprised that "Vampire Hunter" was made, considering that one point.

    As for "Django," well ... Tarantino hasn't made a decent picture since "Jackie Brown," and odds are he'll turn what could've been a reboot of classic Spaghetti Westernisms into a glib, irritating talk fest and a pastiche of C-list schlock nobody actually watched (see: "Inglorious Bastards" [screw your cutesy art-spelling, Q])

  • creech||

    I never realized that the Angel of Marye's Heights was really a vampire sucking blood of wounded Yanks, not succoring them with water.

  • ||

    this being the http://www.ceinturesfr.com/ceinture-lee-c-28.html oblivious Bekmambetov, the leaping slo-mo martial moves on display

  • joy||

    nfortunately, this being the oblivious Bekmambetov, the leaping slo-mo martial moves on display, http://www.zonnebrilinnl.com/z.....-3_14.html purportedly taking place in the mid-19th century, clearly date back no farther than The Matrix.

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