How Radical Islamists Will Take Over the World. Not.

"The plan [to destroy America] is going ahead and, God willing, it is being implemented.... If God's help is with us, this will happen within a short period of time; keep in mind this prediction."

--Taliban leader Mohammed Omar in a BBC radio interview on November 15, as his forces in Afghanistan collapsed.

* * *

Among a trove of documents seized by Afghanistan's Northern Alliance in its recent conquest of Kabul were the following minutes of a meeting held by a shadowy group known to American intelligence as the International Conspiracy of Almost Insanely Radical Islamic Militants, or Al Patuti. A copy was provided to National Journal by an intelligence source and is here printed for the first time. The meeting is believed to have been held in the northwestern region of Pakistan as recently as mid-November. The CIA is attempting to identify the participants, for whom pseudonyms may have been used. This document has been lightly edited and shortened for space reasons.

* * *

The meeting was called to order at 10 a.m.

MULLAH KURLI: Welcome! I greet you in the name of God! Our cause is just and our spirit firm. God willing, great triumph shall soon be ours. This month, we welcome the return of Sheik Ibn Mo, whose gallstones, thanks be to God, are much improved. We greatly look forward to the science committee report that, we understand, Sheik Ibn Mo has brought for presentation today. For his committee's hard work on this important project, we offer our humble thanks. Now, as is our custom, let us rise and perform the Al Patuti salute.

(The assembled thereupon rose. They put their right foot in, they put their right foot out, they put their right foot in, and they shook it all about.)

MULLAH KURLI: Praise be to God, that is what it's all about! The chair now takes up old jihads and fatwas. Imam Lari, please report.

IMAM LARI: Yes, peace be upon you. We now have outstanding a total of 4,329 active jihads and 82,919 fatwas. This month marks the 2,617th consecutive month in which no Jew-Crusader nation has fallen to our mighty siege. However, it is our expectation that the United States will be forced to capitulate any day now. The infidel bastion is far weaker than it appears, thanks be to God.

MULLAH KURLI: Please speak of our progress in Afghanistan.

IMAM LARI: Our forces have lost control over most of the country and are rapidly disintegrating elsewhere. Our warriors are defecting as quickly as possible, and celebrating as they do so. Thus it may be justly said that we are still working out some bugs in our strategy. However, teething pains and wrinkles of this sort are to be expected. The tide will soon turn. America is in its last throes.

MULLAH KURLI: We thank you. Have we any new jihads and fatwas?

IMAM LARI: Yes, this month we launch 274 new jihads and 4,333 new fatwas. The full list of those who are newly condemned by God will be printed and made available soon after this meeting. I will not try to list them all. Let me simply say that among those whom God calls upon us to strike down are Tony Blair, Alan Greenspan, Kofi Annan, Donna Karan, U.S. Rep. Bob Stump, the Olympics, automobiles, Microsoft PowerPoint, everyone listed in the metropolitan Dallas white pages, the Washington Wizards, the original cast of Cats, all Star Trek shows after the classic first series, and the Jew-Crusader Britney Spears, who corrupts the minds of our youth.

ALL: Death to the infidel Britney Spears!

Editor's Note: We invite comments and request that they be civil and on-topic. We do not moderate or assume any responsibility for comments, which are owned by the readers who post them. Comments do not represent the views of or Reason Foundation. We reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason at any time. Report abuses.


Get Reason's print or digital edition before it’s posted online

  • Progressive Puritans: From e-cigs to sex classifieds, the once transgressive left wants to criminalize fun.
  • Port Authoritarians: Chris Christie’s Bridgegate scandal
  • The Menace of Secret Government: Obama’s proposed intelligence reforms don’t safeguard civil liberties