Get Yer Ya-Yas Out
We've got every reason to
believe that Senate Majority
Leader Trent Lott knows at least
as much about conducting witch
hunts as he does about
supremacy groups. So when the
Republican from Mississippi
— a state that's generally
considered to be among the most
demonically possessed places in
the contiguous United States
— told reporters last week
that a proposed Special
Committee on American Culture
was definitely not "a witch
hunt," we took a long pull from
our hip flask of holy water,
mumbled a quick rosary, and
tried to believe him.
Trouble was, the other members
of Lott's congressional coven
didn't keep the faith, and plans
for the committee, which would
have spent upward of US$500,000
to "study the causes and
consequences of cultural
regression" (by which, we
assume, they meant more than
giving Devo the third degree),
went straight down the same
commercial-grade crapper that
has reputedly swallowed American
popular culture as if it were
nothing more than the inevitable
in-store voiding of a
super-sized McDonald's Extra
Value Meal.
Of course, that's not to say
that Washington's interest in
regulating culture has in any
way waned. At President
Clinton's request, the Federal
Trade Commission is still
investigating the marketing
practices of Hollywood (hoping,
no doubt, to find the
smoking-gun memo proving that
The Powerpuff Girls are not
targeted only at adults), and
the surgeon general is studying
the impact of violent
entertainment on children (if
it's taking awhile, it's because
he first has to read all the
other Surgeon General reports on
the same topic).
And though they didn't get a
full-blown tribunal on culture,
Senate Republicans, along with
Democrats such as Connecticut's
Joe Lieberman, will almost
certainly set up an official
"task force" on the same topic.
The task force will lack a
committee's full subpoena powers
— alas, no HUAC-style
grilling of Mr. Hankey, the
Christmas Poo — but it will
surely maintain the same live
feed to the network news
programs.
So censorship is in the air.
Before the civil liberties crowd
launches into its predictable Al
"You're Outta Ordah!" Pacino
bit, though, it's worth pointing
out that, in an age in which it
is easier than ever both to make
and consume culture on your own
terms, such gestures pack all
the oomph of a very special
episode of Touched by an Angel.
Indeed, it's high time to
recognize the huge benefit of
this new flurry of censorious
activity: It does the drudge
work of scanning every
potentially offensive book,
movie, music CD, and TV show,
culling the good parts and then
bringing them directly to the
overstimulated consumer. Think
of the censors as a search
engine that actually works —
as push technology for smut and
violence.
Consider, for instance, the
latest photo op by the Siegfried
and Roy of the new censorship —
Lieberman, along with
one-time drug czar, education
secretary, and virtues virtuoso
William Bennett. In
mid-September, they announced
their third "Silver Sewer
Award," given annually to the
country's top "cultural
polluter" (previous winners have
included CBS for broadcasting
Howard Stern's radio show). This
year's top offender — the
envelope, please! — was the
Fox Network's chairman, Rupert
Murdoch, who has, Smokin' Joe
told reporters, "done more than
any other programmer in
television to foul the public
airwaves and define our cultural
norms down." The senator
continued his attack, though it
wasn't clear if Lieberman was
describing the 68-year-old news
baron's TV network or his recent
marriage to 32-year-old Wendy
Deng: "Orgasmic moans,
incestuous leering, urinating
for revenge — nothing seems
too cheap or degrading to be
played for a laugh." (To add
irony to insult, Murdoch's
political fragazine, The Weekly
Standard, had actually made "The
Case for Censorship" in an
August cover story.)
Lieberman and Bennett then
rolled tape of Fox-aired scenes
they found offensive, including
Illeana Douglas' celebrated
package check of Keanu Reeves in
the premiere episode of Action
and an ad for the Emmy Awards
broadcast in which hosts Jenna
Elfman and David Hyde Pierce
talked about the statuette as
though it were a penis. In other
words, Lieberman and Bennett
saved us the chore of slogging
through hours of tired,
fourth-network programming to
bring us a highlight reel of, as
Lieberman put it, "language and
behaviors that the average
person would probably be
arrested for if spoken or acted
out in the public square of most
American communities." Who says
elected officials don't care
about voters?
Bennett is an old hand at this
task, having performed a similar
trick at the Senate hearings on
"Marketing Violence to Children"
held in the wake of the
Columbine High shootings last
spring. Perhaps mindful of the
fact that Bob Dole hadn't
actually gotten to see the
movies he attacked during his
ill-fated 1996 run (well,
shuffle), Bennett opened his
remarks by playing long, bloody
excerpts from films such as Scream
and The Basketball Diaries. He
also went the extra distance and
performed a cover version of
Marilyn Manson's "Irresponsible
Hate Anthem." In so doing, he
gave perhaps the best dramatic
reading of a rock song since
Sebastian Cabot talked his way
through Bob Dylan or William
Shatner rendered "Rocket Man" on
a science-fiction awards show in
the mid-'70s. "Hey, victim,"
cooed Bennett on hearings
broadcast over C-SPAN,
mesmerizing the legislators not
only with his nuanced
inflections but his ability to
pronounce asterisks: "Should I
black your eyes again? / Hey,
victim, / You were the one who
put the stick in my hand / I am
the ism, my hate's a prism /
Let's just kill everyone and let
your God sort them out / F***
it, F*** it, F*** it, F***."
Lieberman and Bennett, of
course, can't do it all by
themselves. Groups such as the
Parents Television Council are
sharing the burden. Among other
treats, the PTVC summarizes
Howard Stern's singular brand of
"raunch" and "sewage" for folks
too busy watching Bill Bennett
bust a dirty rhyme or who
unfortunately reside outside of
the shock-jock's markets. For
instance, recapping a Stern show
from earlier this year, the PTVC
helpfully sets the scene
("Kennedy, former MTV vee-jay,
tells Howard that James Woods
once asked her to sit on his lap
during a hockey game while
wearing a Catholic school girl's
uniform") before getting jiggy
with it:
Howard: "… Now he supposedly
has a very … he's very large
in his pants. Can you imagine
sitting on his lap with that
Python in his pants? I mean …
with a schoolgirl outfit on? …
While you were a VJ, you were a
virgin, and you weren't kidding
about that?"
Kennedy: "No. I never had any
pee-pee in the coochie at
all…."
Would-be censors delivering
user-friendly chunks of "raunch"
and "sewage" right to the
consumer? We do indeed live in a
world of wonders. In fact, the
only thing that could improve on
this unforeseen Cinderella
outcome is if that Senate task
force, after a strong showing
during sweeps week — and we
shudder in anticipation of the
depths to which the rechristened
Two Guys and a Girl will stoop
in order to compete with the
next congressional episode
featuring Bill Bennett —
gets upgraded to a full-blown
committee.
Nick Gillespie is editor-in-chief of reason. This story originally appeared in Suck, and can be viewed in that format here.