The First Rule of Presidential Fight Club...

Geoff Micks risks a visit from the feds to answer the vital historical question, "In a mass knife fight to the death between every American president, who would win and why?" The short answer, he argues, is Theodore Roosevelt. The long answer includes a summary of how each executive would likely fare in the fight, from the father of our country...

George Washington -- Commanding presence, strong physique, military training, viewed as a hero by everyone asked to shank him: He makes Top 10 without question....[M]y money is on Jackson being the one who murders him; he wouldn't blink, either. They were closer in age, and the hero myth wouldn't be quite as firmly set. Besides, I'm pretty sure Jackson didn't blink when he sneezed.

...to the father of Tricia:

Richard Nixon doesn't have the physique to go the distance in a battle like this, but I think he had the cunning and the drive to live a lot longer than the majority. I worry that he'd try to take on Kennedy or Johnson early, which might be the end of him. That said, maybe he can convince Jackson to do his dirty work for him?

Read the whole thing, then place your bets.

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  • ||

    Taft in an upset. All that fat would act as a natural armor against stab wounds.

  • ||

    As much as he was a total asshole, Jackson would have everyone dead within a minute or so bleeding out. That was a tough son of a bitch. TR would make a good showing, and maybe Grant.

  • John||

    The 18th Century guys would be too chivalrous. I can't see Washington or Jefferson stabbing someone in the back. But Jackson would wield a shank like an MS 13 member in Chino.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Yeah, Jackson seems the most lethal. TR certainly would place--he was a tough mother--

  • LTC(ret) John||

    Jackson was a feared duelist with a nasty temper. Yeah, unless a whole bunch of them ganged up on him, he would stand as the victor.

  • Killazontherun||

    You got a good point there. They would most logically shore their resources and take him out first.

    I would use Wilson as a human shield. Big enough to smack down the blows but effete enough to completely keep in my control.

  • Brett L||

    Grant, depending on whether he was in the "Goldilocks zone" on his drinking when the fight started could be in the top 5. Really, all of the 18th and 19th century soldier presidents have the advantage of having sword training, and thus have a slightly better understanding of knife fighting beyond "stick them with the pointy end".

  • Killazontherun||

    Got to agree. Old Hickory for the win. TR did survive a mid speech shooting (Hell, so have I, but that was in the ass), but Jackson beat a would be assassin to near death with a cane.

  • John||

    I think Abe Lincoln would be a serious threat. So would Eisenhower. As would any of the late 19th Century Presidents who were civil war veterans. Anyone who saw combat in the civil war wouldn't blink about running someone through.

  • Killazontherun||

    If they were captured at there physical peak, and that would be the fair way to do it, you make a good point. At his peak, he would have been a hell of a scrapper.

    Hmm, even Herbert Walker Bush was likely impressive in his WW2 days.

  • R C Dean||

    Without reading the article, my first reaction is Abe Lincoln - tough, long reach, notable brawler in his youth.

  • NoVAHockey||

    and he could hide another knife under that hat.

  • The Late P Brooks||

    My first choice would be Andrew Jackson.

    Nixon would probably find a way to get some dupe like Rutherford B Hayes to do his dirty work.

  • Randian||

    Hayes was wounded five times during the Civil War, and stealing the election from Tilden* made Nixon look like a piker.

    * probably stolen, anyway, and I say that as someone from Hayes's chosen home town.

  • John||

    As I said above, any of the civil war veterans were no one to screw with.

  • Randian||

    Definitely. The top finishers are any of the Civil War vets, Jackson, and TR.

    Well, except for Andrew Johnson, who by all pictures looks like a giant tampon.

  • wef||

    Agree with those who say Jackson. He could take the punishment and give his man. Also, speaking of knife fight, he sas known as Sharp Knife. He also fought and defeated the Fed of the time. TR was a proglodyte.

  • Almanian's Evil Twin||

    Harry "The Hatter" Truman, who would note, ruefully, as he pushed the button, "Stupid opponents, bringing a knife to a nuke fight...."

  • Pro Libertate||

    True story: Oddjob was based on him.

  • Bardas Phocas||

    How would they do in the Great Outdoor Fight?
    http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=01252006

    I'd put my money on Jackson, but given time to get organized Nixon, Ike or Washington would bullshit people to fight for them. Wilson would probably go for Obama right into the cage and waste his energy chasing him.

  • John||

    Jackson, being a slaveholder and notorious racist, would skin Obama first thing.

  • Fluffy||

    Only if he could fight his way past Wilson first.

  • BakedPenguin||

    William Henry Harrison would die in the first 30 seconds.

  • Randian||

    Zachary Taylor would be felled by a lethal dose of iced milk and cherries.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Snoopy, as the only veteran in the Peanuts community, would likely slaughter Lucy without breaking a sweat. He's a trained killer.

  • ||

    Woodstock has killed more men than you have met, ProL. He's a stone cold killer.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Bullshit. He's just the brains behind the killchine that is Snoopy.

  • T||

    I'm stealing killchine for later use in my engineering work, ProL. I like it better than murderbot.

  • Randian||

    I think Rerun is the Dark Horse of the fight.

    He killed Peanuts once before, after all.

  • sloopyinca||

    That fat dude from What's Happening! was a cartoon?

  • Randian||

    Never heard of the Great Nickel Forfeit Scandal, eh?

    Heathen.

  • ||

    Clearly none of you appreciate the evil that is Marcie.

  • Randian||

    Oh, and the winner of the Peanuts brawl would definitely be Linus, because blanket-as-sling is f-ing wicked.

  • Tim||

    Deprived of his drones, Obama would hide behind Michelle- who would start rippng arms from sockets.

  • mnarayan||

    Wouldn't that imply she already lost?

  • Ice Nine||

    Obama would use FDR for a shield.

  • Ice Nine||

    Dammit, Tim.

  • The Hammer||

    Please. After 30 seconds the media jumps in and shanks the shit out of everyone but Obama. Headlines the next day focus on his glorious victory and imply the Teddy Roosevelt was a tax cheat.

  • Tim||

    They call him: "Millard Fillmore-GRAVES!"

  • NoVAHockey||

    I don't recall what show it was -- some primetime cartoon -- but it featured a fight scene involving Monroe, who shouted "My name's Monroe. James Monroe. And here's a taste of The Monroe Doctrine" before kicking everyone's ass

  • Randian||

    That would the headache-inducing squiggliness of The Critic.

  • sloopyinca||

    I'd have to say John Hancock defeating Jefferson Davis at the end. Both were hardcore fighters and revolutionaries, and both were American Presidents.

  • Brett L||

    Also, I now want to do this, only with monkeys in tuxedos standing in for the presidents.

  • sloopyinca||

    Why do you hate monkeys?

    Also, RAAAAAACIST!!!!1!!1111

  • Zeb||

    OK, monkeys in tuxedos for everyone except Obama, who is played by a George W. Bush lookalike. Is that less racist? This gets confusing.

  • sloopyinca||

    ::gives thumbs-up::

  • T||

    I'm in. We'll clean up on pay per view. Do we go for cute murder and use capuchins, or do we just get aggro ugly and use baboons?

  • BakedPenguin||

    "Oh, he ain't pretty no more."

  • Tim||

    Excellent.

  • sloopyinca||

    I'm changing my answer to the only President known to plunge something into another man: James Buchanan.

  • Killazontherun||

    So wrong I can't stop laughing!

  • Fluffy||

    I gotta go with Washington, since he actually slaughtered people with a knife (it's OK, they were only Frenchies), and therefore has the experience edge.

  • Almanian's Evil Twin||

    He once burned an opponent's wife's hand in acid, too.

    Six foot twenty - weighed a fucking ton.

  • Randian||

    "He'll save children but not the British children"

  • Tim||

    If Romney gets elected I'm sure he'd probably stab himself.

  • The Derider||

    FDR has been outfitted with a [4] Bound Plus H-Frame Power Wheelchair, and can travel at a maximum speed of around 11.5 MPH. The wheelchair has been customized so that he is holding his knife with his dominant hand. This is to compensate for his almost certain and immediate defeat in the face of an overwhelming disadvantage.

    Affirmative Action

  • BoscoH||

    In a massive knife fight among Hoover and later, how does George W. Bush lose? Dude is still an athlete and walks with swagger. Not a fan of his politics, but he is the real deal of post-40 physical fitness.

  • Almanian's Evil Twin||

    Plus surviving ditching his plane in WWII, and skydiving at age whatever - dude is a badass.

    But Truman nuked him along with the others. Stone cold motherfucker, Truman.

  • Randian||

    Wrong Bush, chummy.

  • Tim||

    Stay out da Bushes!

  • Almanian 1||

    My mind stuck an "H" in there to go with the "W".

    Still - Truman nukes 'em all.

  • BoscoH||

    Yeah, wrong Bush. And I don't think H.W. would kill his own son. W would knife his Dad in a New York minute.

  • 0x90||

    To be honest, he didn't even enter my mind until you made mention. Like he was an un-president. Not sure if that's more due to me, or to him. Carter as well, now that I think about it.

  • BoscoH||

    Carter would win a Presidential knife fight on a submarine. No doubt.

  • Anomalous||

    It sould come down to Jackson and Lincoln. Jackson would win through sheer murderousness. But Lincoln would give him a hell of a fight.

  • Cdr Lytton||

    Bah, anyone tricked by a fake voice isn't going to last. Lincoln's going down with a knife in his back.

  • The Late P Brooks||

    how does George W. Bush lose?

    He'd find a way.

  • Fluffy||

    Actually the people saying Grant might be right, because as soon as the fight started and the Star Trek cage match music began playing and everyone drew their knives, Grant would probably pull a gun and start blasting.

    Pausing only to swig whiskey from a flask held in his other hand.

    Someone might get him as he reloaded, though.

  • Killazontherun||

    With the high grade demon rum surging through his system, he would be the last to fall as blood purging wounds would mean nothing to him. The best outcome would be a Grant victory because they would all die once Grant stopped panting.

  • R C Dean||

    This cries out for an episode of that show where they match up warriors from different eras.

  • sloopyinca||

    Celebrity Deathmatch?

  • Dr. Frankenstein||

    I think he means Deadlist Warrior. Incidentally George Washington beat out Napoleon in that one.

  • sloopyinca||

    Napoleon was a fag. It's true. I installed two-way mirrors in his pad in Versailles.
    And he come to the door in a dress.

  • Dr. Frankenstein||

    The problem is how the alliances would shape up. In a straight elimination tourney set of duels its Jackson hands down. In a royal rumble. You've got Nixon and Johnson gutting Kennedy in 30 seconds. The Bushes would work together for awhile before the Oedipal issues start coming up. Not sure what the other alliances look like.

  • RyanXXX||

    I could see someone grabbing FDR's wheelchair and using it to bash distracted opponents to the ground

  • AlmightyJB||

    I'm all for picking are next president this way. Romney vs Obama. Two men enter, one man leaves.

  • ||

    I'm all for picking are next president this way. Romney vs Obama. Two men enter, one man leaves.

    Obama would take him out with a drone strike. Ruefully, of course, and with agonizing restraint, or at least that is what that mass murdering sociopath would tell the press.

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