Mitt Romney Can Win the Veepstakes by Picking an Earlier Version of Himself

As speculation intensifies about who GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney will pick to be his running mate, I believe I have determined the ideal vice presidential candidate for the former Massachusetts governor: Romney should travel back in time and pick an earlier version of himself.

This would provide policy balance and specifics to a campaign that's been criticized for being hazy about its governing plans. It would give Romney the advantage of sharing a ticket with someone who, while similar in outlook and character, has substantially different policy views on a variety of issues, including gun rights, immigration, and abortion, as well as someone who has been more supportive of federal stimulus spending and taking action in response to global warming. 

It would also help Romney reach beyond the typical GOP base. Running with a past version of himself would create an opportunity for Romney to reach out to skeptical Northeast moderates by pairing him with someone who has a demonstrated ability to pass bipartisan legislation in one of the most liberal states in the nation—even on issues that Democrats usually own, like health care. 

One possible downside with this strategy is that with two Romneys on the ticket, Romney might contradict himself. But that's a existing liability, and Romney's campaign has already become quite adept at dismissing or igniring charges of flip-flopping. This wouldn't be anything new. 

Putting a past version of Romney on the ticket would ensure a certain level of personal familiarity, which is important for a candidate who is known for not liking surprises. Indeed, it would fit in nicely with the way Romney's campaign operation is already run: Picking a past version of himself would help limit competition for the limelight, keeping the campaign's focus squarely on Romney, who is reported to be quite wary of media attention for any other individuals involved with the campaign. And it would allow Romney to continue to be the sole, undisputed boss of the Romney brand and the campaign operation. As Politico's Maggie Haberman pointed out in June, Mitt Romney's top political adviser is Mitt Romney. Who better, then, to fill out the ticket? The matchup even has a nice ring to it: Romney-Romney 2012.

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  • Palin's Buttplug||

    He should choose Jim Bob Romney - Southern Fundie Nut, to stir up the GOP greasy-haired Southern base.

  • Paul.||

    Those Republican 1%-ers, you mean...

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    I once tried networking my Vista workstation with my Windows ME computer. I imagine this matchup would be just as desirable.

  • ||

    I had a bitch of a time setting up my new Windows 7 laptop to transfer files with my old vista one. I seriously went through every advice I could find, then restore to an only point and it just fucking worked.

  • ||

    You got what you deserved for having Windows ME.

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    IT WAS A METAPHOR. Or fable maybe. I don't own a computer.

  • ||

    "There was, like, this dude. And, like, he had two computers. One had a terrible ancient patchover OS on it, and the other had an OS that was pushed out the door too early and had some issues but was actually pretty good after SP1. Anyway, he tried to get the computers to mate, and he failed. The moral of this story is don't watch Michael Bay movies without taking some goofballs and a can of ether. The end."

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    Shut your mouth. Red Dawn is on my television right this second. Avenge me. AVEEEENGE MEEE.

  • OO=======D||

    Meh.

  • Aresen||

    Mittens has got his nickers in a knot over Obama's comment that Chavez is not a serious threat to the US:

    (Via the Weekly Standard)

    “This is a stunning and shocking comment by the President. It is disturbing to see him downplaying the threat posed to U.S. interests by a regime that openly wishes us ill. Hugo Chavez has provided safe haven to drug kingpins, encouraged regional terrorist organizations that threaten our allies like Colombia, has strengthened military ties with Iran and helped it evade sanctions, and has allowed a Hezbollah presence within his country's borders. And he is seeking to lead – together with the Castros – a destabilizing, anti-democratic, and anti-American ‘Bolivarian Revolution’ across Latin America. President Obama's remarks continue a pattern of weakness in his foreign policy, one that has emboldened adversaries and diminished U.S. influence in every region of the world. As president, I will speak clearly and resolutely on the challenges we face so that both our allies and our adversaries will know where we stand.”

    Mittens, take a valium.

    Chavez is an irritating insect and blowhard, but he is NOT significant threat to the USA.

  • Palin's Buttplug||

    Too rational.

    The wingnuttery fears the Paper Tiger.

  • wareagle||

    on occasion, the wingnuttery likes it when POTUS does not cozy up to those who openly hate us. But that wouldn't be Obama's style, now would it? Chavez a threat? Not really. A pain in the ass rabble-rouser? Yup, but his view toward the US mirror's Obama's so the campaigner in chief is not going to knock Hugo.

  • Palin's Buttplug||

    Obama has cozied up to Hugo? Are you daft?

    Hugo ran up to Obama once and dropped a book on him at a summit. The rest is your meth talking.

  • BakedPenguin||

    It was Bush who cozied up to Chavez, by nationalizing American banks.

  • Mike M.||

    I thought it was pretty good; I'd give it a solid 8 out of 10.

    Needs better editing though. Seriously, "two Romney's on the ticket"? Come on, man.

  • Tulpa the White||

    The president and vice president can't be from the same state, so it wouldn't work.

  • Aresen||

    Mittens' state of mind is like Schrödinger's cat: It cannot be determined, so Mittens can similtaneously be in and out of the state.

  • BarryD||

    What if one was a liquid and one was a solid?

  • Srynerson||

    Perhaps a plasma and a superfluid.

  • grrizzly||

    They can. It's just Massachusetts electors cannot vote for President and Vice President from the same state. But Romney is not going to win in Massachusetts anyway.

    On a slightly more serious note, picking Scott Brown won't cost Romney a single vote in the Electoral College.

  • Srynerson||

    It would leave a vacant Senate seat that would almost certainly go Democratic in the event Romney wins.

  • yonemoto||

    past mittens is from MA, current mittens from CA (La Jolla)

  • JimM47||

    Good Lord! Has NOBODY seen the ENDING of TIMECOP?

  • Brett L||

    Honestly, all I remember is the mullet.

  • ||

    Doesn't he have sex with his great great grandma?

    Or am I thinking of Timerider?

  • BakedPenguin||

    You're thinking of Fry.

  • Auric Demonocles||

    Love the alt-text.

  • Tman||

    Finally a candidate "EVERY AMERICAN CAN CALL THEIR OWN"-

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/7.....853127942/

  • ||

    You found an image of that one! I've been looking for months for that. I probably should have just scanned the one that's on my bookshelf.

  • Tman||

    It's really hard to pick which American he was that was more hilarious.

    For me it's a toss up between "A Redneck Northern Liberal Ethnic Pro-Life Jewish Fixed-Income No Nukes Gun Nut" or "A Woman Named Freda".

    I still love the "Bomb Japan Again" poster though. Classic.

  • ||

    If I had the time and the motivation, I'd go scan a fuckton of his strips (seeing as I have almost all his books, if not all of them), put them up on flickr, and then be able to link to them constantly for topical reference.

  • Tman||

    Ditto. The old BC stuff was brilliant.

    "Mighty fine crop of corn you have there Farmer Bob!"

    "T'ain't corn, it's Dope! Here, take a bushel home to the wife."

  • ||

    The Billy and the Boingers period was probably the pinnacle for BC.

    "Is he dead again?!?"

    "No, no. I'll get the Bactine."

  • Tman||

    "Heavy metal?"

    "Weighty brass... C'mon, gimme a break!"

  • ||

    This says it all.

    "Chicks, chicks, chicks, and dough."

  • Tman||

    Still laughing...

    "(Opus Croakus) wants his fans to know that despite the lipstick, hair, eye makeup and panty hose he isn't a sissy."

  • ||

    "He's been a right wing pro-choice born again elderly protectionist pacifist."

    Bill the cat use to be Ron Paul?

  • Killazontherun||

    But then the future Romney would not need the younger Romney because having his experiences embedded in his past he has already learned from the mistakes of his administration.

  • BarryD||

    I think he should, as long as Barack Obama agrees to do the same thing. That would be interesting, all around. Maybe Kevin Smith can make it into a movie or something.

  • T o n y||

    Candidates don't typically value the quality of having totally opposite policy stances in a running mate, so I don't get it.

  • ||

    Romney values it in addition to not valuing it.

  • triclops||

    hilarious!

    like being against public funding for a campaign, then for it?

    or being against the individual mandate, then for it?

    I could keep going!

  • wareagle||

    right...when someone mentions opposites, what comes to mind faster than Obama/Biden?

  • ||

    I don't get it.

    You do not get it because after all these years you have been posting here you do not realize that this a libertarian blog and not a republican one.

  • ||

    I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet, but you're kids are going to love it.

  • Aresen||

    Ah yes! The kids of yore.

  • ||

    I think the repulsion by metal fans that Helter Skelter was the first Metal is not that it isn't the first metal, it is, but that it is a good song.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEeF9r_8JMA

  • Pro Libertate||

    Everyone agrees that the VP is largely a useless job. Therefore, why not just grab some sexy celebrity as VP? Don't tell me it wouldn't work, because it would.

  • Mongo||

    Embrace the 21st century and pick Watson tha Computer.

  • Aresen||

    Definintely an upgrade from Biden0.01

  • Brett L||

    Not old enough, Constitutionally.

  • Aresen||

    You mean you still have one?

  • Brett L||

    Umm... I don't believe we've set up a penaltax to address this specific situation as yet.

  • ||

    Pick Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and he's got my vote.

  • ||

    Love that show.

    It is the perfect antidote to Newsroom.

  • ||

    Old Woman: Are you gonna take care of the crime problem here?

    Dennis: Absolutely. I say we put 'em on buses and ship 'em over to Iraq, make 'em fight the terrorists.

    Old Woman: (smiling) You're very handsome.

  • Palin's Buttplug||

    Sexy celebrity? Like Mooselini - aka Snow Snooki?

    McCain tried that.

  • Fatty Bolger||

    She wasn't a celebrity before she got the veep nod.

  • SIV||

    Palin was The Next Great Libertarian Hope before McCain killed her career.

  • Skip||

    For Democrats, the VP job is useless but Republicans are required to pick the most qualified, ugly and non-telegenic person or they will be pilloried in the media.

  • Mongo||

    Prediction: Bobby Jindal.

  • Pro Libertate||

    It's Rubio. All the other stuff is misdirection.

  • Brett L||

    Nah. Rubio is too smart to put himself on the stage with Biden as his equal. He can be President in 2020.

  • ||

    Nikki Haley: ethnic, conservative, feminine, a reasonably successful record as a governor. Only drawback would be the endless comparisons to Palin, but they'll make sure to vet her thoroughly this time.

  • Mongo||

    SE Cupps called bullshit on the womyn VP pick.

  • Palin's Buttplug||

    SE Cupp is hot. Hustler got close to her real talent too.

  • Tman||

    Wow, I bet you're a hit with the ladies.

    Pure class!

  • Fatty Bolger||

    Oh yeah. They're just knocking down the door to his Mom's basement.

  • ant1sthenes||

    Well, they're trying. He's locked them in pretty well, though.

  • SIV||

    Rubio balances the ticket perfectly.
    He's perceived as more conservative than he is (Charlie Crist makes every other Republican look like Goldwater)and has the young good lucking minority aura to offset "old white guy" Mitt.

  • IceTrey||

    Not a natural born citizen.

  • Sudden||

    Seriously, Jindal? As if the outsourcing to India meme isn't tired enough already, picking an Indian-heritage VPOTUS would simply seal that line of attack in Obama's favor.

  • Mongo||

    The multi-deity Hindu stuff will distract from Romney's Jesus-Adventures-in-North-America come crunch time.

  • Brett L||

    Watching Biden make completely unintentional racist comments would be priceless.

  • Aresen||

    It's only racist when Team Red does it.

  • IceTrey||

    Not a natural born citizen.

  • Brett L||

    Couldn't he just restore an early backup of himself to another cyborg body? Or is there some sort of hair conservation principle that only allows one mane like that to exist in a universe at a time?

  • ||

    He subsumed all his subminds long ago, out of fear that they were growing too independent. It's true, look it up.

  • Srynerson||

    I thought the problem was that when the staff at the Massachusetts governor's office were reformatting or removing all the hard drives ahead of Romney leaving office, they wiped out his personal backup tapes too.

  • ||

    No, no. All his backups were kept in a Cray supercomputer on the MIT campus in Cambridge. However, he feared--and rightly so--that a copy of himself would be extracted, turned into a psychopathic killer by having a memcording of Serban Kline loaded into it, and then put in a new android body and be sent to kill him and take over.

    Something like that. It's all very complicated. Anyway, that's why he subsumed all the subminds and backups.

  • ||

  • Another David||

    He'd win the Marklar vote easily.

  • XM||

    O for god's sakes, if you could time travel, then why not just pick Abraham Lincoln or the gipper as your VP? George Washington and John Adams might explain their unhealthy fetish with limited government.

    In fact, why pick them as VP? Just let them run the country again.

  • ant1sthenes||

    Because if you pick a VP that any substantial number of people actually really like, statistically at least one of them is crazy enough to kill you so the VP can assume direct control. Probably more than one if you're a really shitass president (ie, any president in the recent past or near future) and your VP has a big fanbase.

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