Lady Obama Patriotically Fights Obesity One Cinnamon Roll at a Time, Has Clearly Seen Animal House But Not Stripes

Fresh from trying to push sludge-ridden organic vegetables on the Iron Chef chefs, Lady Michelle Obama has come out swinging against obesity, bravely taking on the powerful fat-shit lobby wots recalculating BMI scales, making 36-inch waist jeans roomier in the seat, making movie theater chairs roomier in the seat, and otherwise removing the stigma associated with being buried in piano cases.

In announcing her "Let's Move" campaign, Our Lady of Deltoids is pushing for nothing less than a call to well-toned arms that requires no French-style Minitel debacles or Gus Grissom-style launchpad accidents:

“This isn’t like a disease where we’re still waiting for a cure to be discovered – we know the cure for this,” Obama said. “This isn’t like putting a man on the moon or inventing the Internet. It doesn’t take some stroke of genius or feat of technology.

This is what we get for voting in skinny guy after skinny guy after skinny guy to the White House (and let's face it, the only true chubster in the Oval Office since William Howard Taft was Bill Clinton, who slimmed down quickly and has kept the weight off, even if it's taken a couple of cardiac events to do so).

Mrs. Obama isn't just worried for the sake of fat kids in the Land of Plenty and the dangerously low national reserves of stretch fabric. No, she speaks a secret truth that all too many public figures are afraid to utter: Fat loads threaten our very survival in a world of increasing threats. Citing "a recent study" that proves that "obesity-related diseases" cost "$147 billion a year," she notes 

“This epidemic also impacts the nation’s security, as obesity is now one of the most common disqualifiers for military service.”

Sweet fancy Moses, I thought I'd heard all the reasons that Nanny Staters trot out for slimming down, but this military service angle is a real freaking stunner, like a new line of Snapple flavors. And in a country that's been bogged down in two quagmire-like wars every bit as sticky and difficult to leave as a Golden Corral restaurant, Obama may have just given a new generation of draft-dodgers the new way out, especially now that pretending to be gay ain't gonna work no more.

More here, including plans to yet again reshape the dreaded USDA "food pyramid" into a ziggurat or a geodesic dome or some other equally useless imaginary shape.

This strikes me as one of the worst arguments ever for fighting obesity. Lady Obama is the perfect age to have learned via Animal House that being fat, drunk, and stupid was no way to go through life. But she also should have learned just a few years later from Stripes that the U.S. Army is the perfect staging ground for a weight-loss regimen that could turn even a lard-ass Canadian like John Candy into a lean, mean, fighting machine. Take it away Ox:

Reason has written a lot about obesity over the years. Dip into our archive, which is every bit as addictive as a chocolate fountain at a dessert buffet.

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  • ||

    This epidemic...

    You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

  • Julian H||

    An epidemic doesn't have to be contagious, it can describe anything widespread. So the question is whether or not obesity is widespread. Clearly there are obese people all over the place, but the levels are no where near as high as people think.

    Great quotation on "the nation's security", by the way. Great to see Mrs Obama destroying the myth that Americans don't get irony...

  • Jeff P||

    The Fat-Shit Lobby Wots is clearly a band name.

    I have no issue with someone being morbidly obese, provided they have no issue with my relentless mockery of them.
    And if they spandex, hip-huggers, or half shirts, well, they're just asking for it, aren't they?

    Get a walking stick and ascot like Victor Buono on Wild Wild West and we'll talk.

  • ||

    He ruled. As did that series. Strange that they never made a movie version, huh? Nah, it's probably a good thing they didn't. They'd probably do something stupid like, I dunno, make it into a Will Smith vehicle [shudder].

  • brotherben||

    I suppose it would be no surprise that I liked that movie too?

  • ||

    Episiarch? Can you thrash brotherben for me? Thrash him well. Thrash him even if you secretly like this abomination as well.

  • brotherben||

    Any redemption for me that I hated, HATED I Am Legend and Hancock ?

  • ||

    No. This isn't about Will Smith, it's about destroying something good. Smith was merely the vehicle.

  • ||

    I Am Legend destroyed something good. As did I, Robot

  • ||

    What can I say? He's frequently the harbinger of destruction.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    I liked the parts of I Robot that I saw, but not as much as Fantastic Voyage.

  • brotherben||

    It's always about Will Smith you insensitive clod.

  • ||

    Like anyone is going to respect the judgment of someone who liked that damned movie.

  • Jeff P||

    The Wild Wild West movie is a decent steampunk adventure film.
    But it is a horrible WWW movie.

    The Will Smith I, Robot pisses on Asimov's grave, but is an almost perfect adaptation of Magnus: Robot Fighter.

    It's like the Masters of the Universe movie: If you pretend it's a New Gods film it is bearable.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    I like the way you think, Jeff P.

  • ||

    I like to pretend that each is a dream episode of Gilligan's Island.

  • Jeff P||

    Speaking of Gilligan's Island, my job put me up due to snow last night, and the Globetrotters were staying at the hotel...

  • ||

    That's the TV movie and cartoon version. Non-canon.

    Just kidding. Like there's a Gillgan's Island canon.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    I missed that episode. Let me guess, the Gilligan's Island cannon, conceived by Professor Roy Hinkley was more believable and workable than the stupid contraption Kirk 'made' in Star Trek?

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Guessing it was assembled by Gilligan too, with the rest of the castaways assembling materials, other than Ginger and the Howells getting out of any substantial work?

  • ||

    Thanks for the Magnus ref. My fave comic as a wee young lad. But I don't think that the "I, Robot" film owes anything to Magnus.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    I enjoyed it too. Now it reminds me of SugarFree's new steampunk pancreas.

  • ||

    I have no issue with someone being morbidly obese, provided they have no issue with my relentless mockery of them.

    There's a difference between mockery by private citizens, and official, tax-supported mockery.

    -jcr

  • short, fat bastard||

    You may mock me to your heart's content. But realize that short and fat does not preclude strong and mean.

  • ||

    I'm sorry to break with the orthodoxy around here, but lowering the number of fat kids waddling around should be a non-partisan issue and considered by all an unalloyed good.

    Lower rates of diabetes, heart disease and feminism help everyone out.

  • ||

    Goddamnit Sug! Nick set up the meme quite nicely. And you give us *this*?

  • ||

    I have to speak from the heart, JW. My gravy-dipped heart.

  • ||

    Does that come with biscuts?

  • ||

    Love biscuits. And a side of adoration-slaw.

  • ||

    That's pretty obvious from just looking at you, Danny DeVito.

  • @||

    I disagree. Come the famine, fatties will be the survivors. And if they can't outrun the starving masses, they will at least be grill-sizzling delicious. Either way, civilization goes on.

  • ||

    I think you well know that the "orthodoxy around here" has nothing to do with advocating an increase in the number of fat kids waddling around. It has to do with not having the government intimately involved in every single, personal aspect of our lives and taking personal responsibility for our existences. As opposed to, say, mandatory morning Tai Chi for all "citizens".

  • ||

    Thanks for clearing that up for me.

  • @||

    So it has nothing to do with cannibalism? I'm a little disappointed.

  • ||

    And who will be left for Epi to date then?

  • ||

    Thin girls can have low self-esteem too. Just find a physical feature that deviates from the norm in the slightest way and then work it into every conversation. A lazy eye, a bump on the ridge of the nose, breasts of unequal size, nipples of unusual size/color, etc.

    Be creative.

  • ||

    Your mom? Or is she too fat?

  • ||

    Well, that's a matter of opinion.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    I really wanna know the story behind that photo.

  • ||

    No you don't.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    I...see. Well, I hope she was good in the sack, Epi.

  • Me||

    It could have been a man, actually - it's impossible to say I think.

  • ||

    My eyes!!!
    You know, I kinda wonder about the person taking the picture getting permission. "Darling, could you cram a really big fistful of cake into your piehole...err, cakehole while your nude? This will be soooo sexy"
    Sure snookums!!!

  • ||

    Let that be a lesson to you. Never ever click on links in the H&R comment section.

  • ||

    Not only that, but who wants to look at a behemoth?

  • John Tagliaferro||

    There is a whole world of behemoth likers on the big wide intertube.

  • Kroneborge||

    agreed.

    since we are going to most likely be paying for those kids rascal/scooter some day.

  • ¢||

    That neat-o "civilian security force as big as the military" Obama promised us will be fat people. At first.

    Then they'll be hollow-eyed ex-fat people, patrolling the nation's food courts, slappin' cream cheese wontons out your mouth.

  • ||

    The obesity epidemic really does hit minorities the hardest..

    "The obesity epidemic in the United States is hitting minorities the hardest, U.S. health officials report."

    http://www.usnews.com/health/d.....in-us.html

    ...so I guess it makes sense for Michell Obama to tackle the obesity epidemic. ...if you're a racist.

    Why reinforce the stereotype? Why not go after...I dunno...music education or how about homelessness?

    I see a lot more homeless around than I used to, and there are a lot more people showing up at soup kitchens, etc., and Michelle Obama's worried about the people who eat too much?

    What an insensitive clod!

  • ||

    It's possible to be both obese and malnourished, which a lot of people in the ghetto are.

  • SIV||

    Excepting small children and the totally disabled,they would "largely" choose to be malnourished.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    Yes, quite right, old bean.

  • OMG||

    "The obesity epidemic in the United States is hitting minorities the hardest, U.S. health officials report."

    Jorge Blackman (an Asian American) was just walking down the street of his inner city neighborhood on a sunny day minding his own business. He turned the corner and found himself standing in the shadow of a large rotund woman with a snickers bar in each hand. Before he could turn away, he heard the sound that would haunt him for the rest of his shortened life: "ha choooo". In shock and dazed he staggered into the corner bodega. "He man", the wary man behind the corner asked, "you ok … I don't want no trouble". Jorge heard the words but all he could think about was the strange feeling that was over coming him. "I … I feel strange. So empty. So huuunnnngggry". He started to lash out, grabbing boxes of Devil Dogs, Twinkies and even HoHos. He ripped them open and starting shoving them into his mouth.

    The clerk behind the counter picked up the phone and dialed 911. "Hello. Operator. It's here, in my store. The epidemic is here. Hurry send someone, a doctor, the CDC, someone."

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Thanks for pointing out that the Blackman in the inner city was Asian!

    Just kidding, that was funny.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    I thought bullets and clubs hit minorities the hardest?

    Not all of them, just the ones the newspaper people like the best.

  • anonymousbackstabber||

    The secular Queen of America nagging the riff-raff to get in shape so they can fight and die for country.

    A real milestone in Enlightenment liberalism.

  • @||

    It's almost like her speech-writers are retarded.

  • ||

    And the best part is they're completely un-self-aware about it. It would be funny if it weren't so...no wait, it is pretty funny.

  • ||

    Well, I was just reading a Popular Mechanics article on drones. Right now, a fattie could sit in a large seat and fly a drone on the other side of the planet. I can see a day when the same will be done with robot infantry units. Why do we need soldiers to be in shame in the military to come?

    Incidentally, the article kept mentioning the possibility of fully automating drones. Armed drones. There's nothing at all that could go wrong with that, is there?

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    Why do we need soldiers to be in shame in the military to come?

    Nice R.C.'z law.

  • ||

    Why do we need soldiers to be in shame

    What an amazing RC'z.

  • ||

    Interesting. Now I will have to destroy you.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    That usually happens to me.

  • ||

    You thrive on a cycle of creation and destruction. Sing the song of unmaking, dance the dance of unbinding, speak the words of unbeing so that we my die and live again.

  • ||

    Shame, shape. What's the difference in this age of obesity hunts?

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    ShivaFree?

  • ||

    Blasphemy! SF is quite obviously a Vaishnavite.

  • ed||

    Right now, a fattie could sit in a large seat and fly a drone on the other side of the planet

    Problem is, his Frito-slicked paws will eventually slip on his joystick and grease a whole village of yapping wedding-goers. Bad PR.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Just like that guy in Snowcrash who drove the rolling fortress made out of welded manhole covere?

  • ||

    “This isn’t like a disease where we’re still waiting for a cure to be discovered – we know the cure for this,” Obama said. “This isn’t like putting a man on the moon or inventing the Internet. It doesn’t take some stroke of genius or feat of technology.

    "But, it does take a new government agency, with sweeping new powers, which I am here to announce the creation of today."

  • ||

    This isn’t like a disease

    If she'd just stopped right there, I would've agreed with her.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    He's calling for help from Al Gore. Didn't even use the dog whistle!

  • ||

    And they'll continue to push the same discredit, bullshit propaganda. TWELVE SERVINGS A DAY OF HEARTHEALTHYWHOLEGRAINS! AVOID ARTERYCLOGGINGSATURATEDFAT!

    How's that working out for you?

  • Johnny Longtorso||

    We'll all get healthy when they kill all jobs but government ditch-digging jobs.

  • ||

    Why not simply spend the time, resources, and money on anti-obesity pill? That's what we really want, after all. Instant ungratification.

  • Kroneborge||

    Actually they have two powders that do that. Coke and Meth

  • brotherben||

    Please explain David Crosby to me.

  • T||

    Duh. He quit the coke and the meth.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Pill? Why not a ray?

  • ||

    Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out! The hell's the matter with you? Stupid! We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts! Here's proof: his nose is cold! But there's no animal that's more faithful, that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt. Who saw "Old Yeller?" Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end?

  • Almanian||

    We're mutants. There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us - we're soldiers. But we're American soldiers! We've been kicking ass for 200 years! We're 10 and 1!

  • ||

    We didn't lose that one, either. The politicians gave away our victory in the field and abandoned the South to the North in the end.

  • ||

    Godsdamn that Jefferson Davis!

  • John Tagliaferro||

    And General Ky

  • OMG||

    I think your confusing us with the Australians.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Cold nose? No, that's Canadians. He hates America and is claling us Canadians. Crypto somethingist.

  • ||

    I was more or less indifferent to Michelle Obama before this, but now that she's had her Nancy Reagan moment, I know she's a waste of space.

    -jcr

  • Almanian||

    Just say no to Twinkies

  • ||

    Damnit.

  • ||

    Just say no to trans fats?

  • Phettish||

    She has nice arms.

  • OMG||

    For a man, yes, they're awesome. Wish I had them.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Legs not bad either.

  • anonymous||

    Maybe she uses a Shake Weight

  • brotherben||

    The most curious comment to me is the one about military service. Does it mean that fatties are unpatriotic? Shirking their duty to serve? Is the administration thinking they need to reinstate the draft and realize that many young people won't qualify?

  • ||

    Being fat is just like hiding out in Canada.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    Except without the 'splainin' to do later!

  • ||

    But, interestingly, both involve plenty of poutine.

  • zoltan||

    And horse casseroles.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    Delicious, delicious draft-dodgin'.

  • ||

  • Thumbs up||

    Is there a smiley for "drool"..?

    Poutine!!! (the Canadian Homer Simpson's donuts)

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Being fat is just like hiding out in Canada.

    No, it is being crypto-Canadian.

  • Almanian||

    “This isn’t like putting a man on the moon..."

    And since we're cutting some moon-mission stuff from NASA, we can use that money to hire Lean Police to invade homes, jail the negligent parents of rotund rungrats, and put the fat turds into government-run boot camps.

    MORE government jobs, and healthier kids. The defense rests...

  • Spartacus||

    This would make a great Super Bowl commercial!

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Let's get a band like Cheap Trick to do the background mucic!

  • ||

    Wasn't there a Ben Stiller movie like that? Fat camp or something?

  • Spartacus||

    ...including plans to yet again reshape the dreaded USDA "food pyramid" into a ziggurat or a geodesic dome or some other equally useless imaginary shape.

    A Mobius band would be a much more appropriate shape for something created by a government bureaucracy.

  • ||

    A Klein bottle would be even better.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Endless beer.

  • ||

    How does the First Lady enact anything besides using the media as a platform? She doesn't have a budget or any legislating powers. Right? (cringing...)

  • John Tagliaferro||

    WRONG! She has the balls of Hussein in the palm of her hand and he has the balls of Reid an Pelosi in his.

  • ||

    You know where they don't eat too much, consume too much electricity, dump too much into the environment or buy too many cheap, unnecassary things?

    North Korea.

  • ||

    No one ever says it, but that has to be the end game, doens't it?

    They have no cars, no electricity at night, no cheap "crap." None of the citizens are in debt because they mostly barter, and they eat only what they need to survive.

    Its what these people want us to be, they either aren't self-aware enough to know it or they rightly fear the reaction.

  • SIV||

  • John Tagliaferro||

    They have universal health care.

  • The Squatting Fields||

    Last night I heard the FLOTUS say that 1 in 3 children are overweight or obese. Well, what does that mean?

    It could mean that within that group, 98% of the kids are 5lbs overweight and only 2% are obese.

    I believe the fat-gut cow FLOTUS conflates overweight and obese in order to obfuscate the non-severity of the problem. She is a trained attorney after all.

  • zoltan||

    I believe the fat-gut cow FLOTUS

    Huh?

  • The Squatting Fields||

    The First Lady of the United State, who by the way, sports a spare tire. If you saw the interview on The News Hour, you'd have seen that she has a fat gut.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    She's still hotter than Tipper Gore.

  • The Squatting Fields||

    The FLOTUS also said that they will be sbending $2 billion in order to update the school lunch standards. How can updating standards cost $2B? How will they be spending that money?

  • Pope Jimbo||

    Maybe when the Saints visit the White House to be congratulated for their Superbowl win, the FLOTUS can chide them about their 50% obesity rate (according to BMI standards). Only one of them appears to be in the normal range. Bunch of fat pigs!

  • ||

    How will they be spending that $2 billion, you ask? By organizing the current cadre of 400,000 school-lunch workers (cooks, servers, cleaners, you name 'em). Can we all spell S-E-I-U? Do we all know what happens to all those bigabuck union dues? Is the picture getting clearer now? These Stalinist thugs don't miss a bet, do they.

  • kinnath||

    So am I the only guy in America that thought stripes was overrated?

  • The Squatting Fields||

    "So am I the only guy in America that thought stripes was overrated?"

    By whom?

  • kinnath||

    By every younger dude I've had to work with the last couple of decades . . .

  • @||

    No. It really stinks.

  • Jordan||

    You're not the only one.

  • @||

    Q: Can Bill Murray act?
    A: Define "act." Otherwise, no.

  • kinnath||

    Tootsie and Lost in Translation, but he's batting under 100.

  • Mr. Chartreuse||

    Stripes, up until the end of the basic training graduation scene, is one of the great comedy movies. Every scene after basic training isn't worth watching.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    It is just too deep for you right now. Give it time.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    I loved it.

    Any male who finds it overrated is gay. Wear it as a badge.

  • SIV||

    Third best movie with PJ Soles

  • ||

    From the article:
    "The likely source of the toxic sludge that has ruined Michelle's garden? The Clinton White House apparently used a sludge-" ...obtained during the White House orgies.
    Wow - I thought lube was organic and all natural...

  • Bingo||

    What about the epidemic of the First Lady having a horse face, man hands, and beefy biceps? Only thing missing is a prominent Adam's apple. Barack certainly has a strange definition of feminine beauty.

  • zoltan||

    Jesus Christ.

  • Mohammed||

    Allah Akbar!

  • Aleister Crowley||

    Hail Satan!

  • Old Mexican||

    Oh, you noticed that, too?

  • Slut Bunwalla||

    Well, to be fair, I'm not sure Barack has ever publicly and specifically stated that he thinks his wife is beautiful.

  • Old Mexican||

    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. So the beer drinkers say . . .

  • Evil Libertarian||

    Tranny-licious!

    NTTAWWT

  • Harrison Bergeron||

    Well duh, she is a Klingon after all.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    So THAT's why I think she is hot.

  • L Ron Hubbard||

    Theta Clear!

  • Jeff P||

    Spectrum is Green!
    Thunderbirds are Go!
    Avengers Assemble!
    Zoom Rollcall!

  • ||

    Maybe it's about obesity and maybe it's about training youth -remember Obama's civilian army? I trust nothing these Marxists do nor what their media arms say to be anything but subtrifuge

  • Old Mexican||

    “This epidemic also impacts the nation’s security, as obesity is now one of the most common disqualifiers for military service.

    I will start my kids on a daily diet of Haagen-Dazs just to disqualify them for compulsory military service, which is what her fascistic mentality is leading to.

  • T||

    I'll keep mine thin and healthy. That way they can use the fatties for cover while returning fire on the green police.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    If Carter couldn't bring it back nobody will. Rest easy and have healthy children who can volunteer if they like.

  • Tman||

    I guess the one good outcome of the "Green Work Force" that Obama always talks about starting to create good ole "Green Jobs" is that it's dead before it even starts. According to Michelle, the pool of unemployed fatties out there that would be eligible won't make it off the couch to show up to work. Or can you imagine the obese out there climbing around on giant Windmills? Or carrying around big solar panels in the desert? The whole thing will be a complete failure before it even gets moving, which, thank god for that.

  • ||

    Michelle knows what she is talking about. Her children are overweight. How does this manifest itself? Before her oldest daughter turned 11, she was a fully-developed woman. This is due to Michelle feeding her a lousy diet full of hormone-laden meat and dairy. Michelle should take her high BMI body and stay in the WH to take care of her kids and she should shut her pie hole until she has something of worth to say.

  • ||

    Michelle knows what she is talking about. Her children are overweight. How does this manifest itself? Before her oldest daughter turned 11, she was a fully-developed woman. This is due to Michelle feeding her a lousy diet full of hormone-laden meat and dairy. Michelle should take her high BMI body and stay in the WH to take care of her kids and she should shut her pie hole until she has something of worth to say.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Raw foods are best for you. Try some raw bacon and ham tomorrow and see how much better you feel.

  • ||

    Well, its coming to a school near you. I recently heard of a school in rural Michigan that has pulled kids from ages five to ten in a few at a time over the last few months to do BMI tests. The scary thing is, in the incident I heard about, they also used the opportunity to ask the children about abuse and if guns where in their house. Done without parental consent or knowledge.

  • Megan||

    "Freedom isn't free..." har har har

    Lame argument.

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