Dead Celebrity Mad Libs

Paul Krassner, who knows a thing or two about fake news, probes the false reports of Jeff Goldblum's death:

I scrolled down to the bottom, where this admonition appeared: "This story was dynamically generated using a generic 'template' and is not factual. Any reference to specific individuals has been 100% fabricated by web site visitors who have created fake stories by entering a name into a blank 'non-specific' template for the purpose of entertainment. For sub-domain and additional use restrictions: FakeAWish.com."

The logo for "Fake a Wish -- Celeb Fake News Generator" is a solid red circle with the warning, "Bullshit." I'm instructed to "Enter a celebrity name to see a list of fake news items about them. I type "Jeff Goldblum," only to find out there are three other ways he died: "Actor Jeff Goldblum hospitalized after traffic altercation." "Luxury yacht sinks off coast of Tropez, France. Jeff Goldblum reported missing." "Jeff Goldblum presumed dead in private plane crash."

Plus there's a link to "Back By Popular Demand! Jeff Goldblum is new Masturbation World Champion!"

Fake a Wish has been around for years; essentially, it inserts any name you request into a series of pre-written stories. If you want to launch a news hoax of your own, the site is here. On an unrelated note, I'd like to congratulate Vice President Joseph Biden on becoming the new masturbation world champion.

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  • ||

    Today's masturbators just don't have the love of the game like yesteryear's self-help gurus. They only masturbate because it looks good on TV.

  • Goodwin||

    Speaking of masturbaters...

    Al Gore today compared the battle against climate change with the struggle against the Nazis.

    The former US Vice President said the world lacked the political will to act and invoked the spirit of Winston Churchill by encouraging leaders to unite their nations to fight climate change.

    He also accused politicians around the world of exploiting ignorance about the dangers of global warming to avoid difficult decisions.

    Speaking in Oxford at the Smith School World Forum on Enterprise and the Environment, sponsored by The Times, Mr Gore said: "Winston Churchill aroused this nation in heroic fashion to save civilisation in World War II."

    He added: "We have everything we need except political will but political will is a renewable resource."

    Mr Gore admitted that it was difficult to persuade the public that the threat from climate change was as urgent as the threat from Nazi Germany.

    "The level of awareness and concern among populations has not crossed the threshold where political leaders feel that they must change.

    "The only way politicians will act is if awareness raises to a level to make them feel that it's a necessity."

    He said future generations would put one of two questions to today's adults.

    "It will either be 'what were you thinking, didn't you see the North Pole melting before your eyes, didn't you hear what the scientists were saying?' Or they will ask 'how is it you were able to find the moral courage to solve the crisis which so many said couldn't be solved?'."

  • Jeff P||

    Congress is a giant masterbatorium.
    You can still hear whispered legends of the fabled Thurgood Marshall/Jesse Helm Tug-Off back in the 70s.

    CSpan may qualify as a porn channel.

  • Cuntbuster PRIME||

    You called someone a name and/or used profanity: Treat others with the respect that you expect and don't use profanity. You were off-topic: Don't start ranting about something that has nothing to do with the conversation or the story. You're a troll: Don't come on here with the intention of riling other people up. You assumed guilt: While a case may seem open-and-shut, no one is guilty until the courts say so. YOU POSTED IN ALL CAPS: No one wants to read this. If you find yourself angry enough to shout, step away from the computer. Your comment was in poor taste: Again, keep it polite. There is no reason to mock tragedy.

  • Ska||

    Gore sounds even more like Manbearpig. Hopefully Gore's Godwinning himself will end this whole shit.

    Damn siteblockers at work prevent me from reading the Joe Biden masturbation story.

  • Creech||

    "questions future generations will ask us"

    Hey Al, apres moi le deluge.

  • ||

    So, the climate is anti-Semitic, too? Wow. Wonder if it plans to annex Austria, too?

  • Your Dysfunctional Family Rest||

    "Damn siteblockers at work prevent me from reading the Joe Biden masturbation story."

    It's official, Joe Biden is the new king of masturbation. In a stunning feat of endurance and determination, Joe Biden achieved 36 orgasms in a 24 hour period!

    Sleeping intermittently during the 24 hour marathon, Joe Biden remained focused and aroused by his impressive library of pornographic films. With over 400 films in his library and 3 televisions playing movies at all times, he had a continuous stream of footage to aid him in his quest.

    It is apparent by the massive development of the muscles in his forearm that Joe Biden is not your average masturbator. In an interview with UJ reporters after the record setting event, Joe Biden was quoted as saying, "masturbation for me is a way of life. I've been training for this day since I was 13 years old and I'm happy with my performance today".

    This record was formerly held by German Student, Hans Blickstein who achieved 27 orgasms in a 24 hour period. Mr. Blickstein was not available for comment.

    When asked what his next world record achievement would be, Joe Biden said "my immediate goal is to get a bag of ice and some lotion on my penis to soothe the burning".

  • Your Dysfunctional Family Rest||

    Al Gore Finds a Way to Beat the Al Gore Effect

    He's holding his next Climate Energy Summit in Las Vegas - in August.

  • T||

    There is no reason to mock tragedy.

    For the lulz?

  • ||

    Joe Biden is one of the all time masterbator greats. He's a legend. I mean, seriously, he's so good you can almost taste it.

  • Ska||

    Thanks YDFR.

  • Xeones||

    He's holding his next Climate Energy Summit in Las Vegas - in August.

    I expect the Rocky Mountains to completely reglaciate over the winter, leading to the interment of the Mojave Desert beneath a mile of ice.

  • ||

    They don't call him the Amtrak Slamcock for nothing.

  • ||

    36 times in 24 hours?


    slacker!

  • Xeones||

    36 times in 24 hours?


    slacker!


    Yeah, that would have been considered a slow day the summer between 9th and 10th grades.

  • 24AheadDotCom||

    Now that's sad. Just a couple days ago, TomGreen posted about being "world champ" - or it was hacked into his site - and now MattW is retreading it.

  • Tomcat1066||

    36 times? He calls that a record?

    I called that lunch hour.

  • Xeones||

    Shut the fuck up, LoneWacko. We're trying to have a serious discussion here.

  • ||

    In Soviet Union, monkey spanks you!

  • Peter||

    Shut the fuck up, LoneWacko. We're trying to have a serious discussion here.

    These never get old!

  • alan||

    "Jeff Goldblum," only to find out there are three other ways he died: "Actor Jeff Goldblum hospitalized after traffic altercation." "Luxury yacht sinks off coast of Tropez, France. Jeff Goldblum reported missing." "Jeff Goldblum presumed dead in private plane crash."

    No anal rippage? No heroine involved. Who is writing up these false death claims for Goldblum, nuns?

    This record was formerly held by German Student, Hans Blickstein who achieved 27 orgasms in a 24 hour period. Mr. Blickstein was not available for comment.

    Evidently, you people live on a planet lacking any Latins.

  • ||

    Fair warning. Don't read what's next unless you really want to.

  • Your Dysfunctional Family Rest||

    The revolution will not be televised: it's been blinking along on a giant bakery sign in St. Louis, Mo., instead.

    Fed up with his congressman's vote on a sweeping climate-change bill that passed the House of Representatives in late June, the proprietor of McArthur's Bakery took to his street sign and posted a clear message to all passersby:

    "Russ Carnahan voted to ... close us and other ... small business."




    http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/07/07/small-businesses-irate-climate-change/

  • ||

    Joe slid the train bathroom door lock to "Occupied." His shoulders slumped with relief. The poor people on the train always wanted to shake his hand or slap his back in gratitude for his support of public transit. He shuddered at the memory of their proletariat caress.

    He washed his hands in the tiny metal sink. The water smelled like machine oil and pennies. He splashed water on his face and groped for a paper towel, but the dispenser wasn't there. He stared at the hand dryer bolted in its place. The start button was covered with a large "Go Green!" sticker. It whirred to life briefly but ignored his repeatedly jabs. With a sigh, he unfastened the snaps holding down his toupee and then wiped his face with it. He stuffed it into the small trash slot. There were three fresh ones still in factory plastic in his briefcase.

    He rubbed his tumescence through his slacks. It was already hard, trained to the sights and smells of an Amtrak bathroom. Joe braced a foot on either side of the tiny room and slipped his penis free. He started with a light Western grip, occasionally stopping to pinch his glans so he could feel it refill with blood. With his left hand he cradled his scrotum, pulling the gray hairs at first, and them cupping tightly, the side of his thumb digging into the base of his penis.

    Joe switched to an a full-fisted Cleveland grip, sliding the flesh his penis up and down, straining at the circumcision scar under his glans on the down stroke. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to fantasize. The usual image of Sarah at the debate would not come to him, only brief flashes of her glasses and his post-debate hug and the half-grind he managed. Random images flickered: distorted memories of watching from the bedroom closet as his wife was anally violated by an intern, summer camp and smell of Helen Sartoski's crotch as he lapped at it through her shorts, a brief image of a shirtless Barack that he squeezed away.

    Joe opened his eyes. The train swayed and bucked beneath him. It was slowing now, almost to its destination. He cast about for a visual aid as he pumped harder and harder. His vision strayed to the trash slot. A lock of hair from his discarded toupee hung from the slot like a peek of pubic hair during the first week of bikini season.

    Joe ejaculated directly into the toilet.

  • Cabeza de Vaca||

    "America cannot and should not seek to impose any system of government on any other country, nor would we presume to choose which party or individual should run a country," Obama said in a speech in the Russian capital. "And we haven't always done what we should have on that front."

    "Even as we meet here today, America supports now the restoration of the democratically elected president of Honduras, even though he has strongly opposed American policies," he said.

    "We do so not because we agree with him," Obama said of Zelaya. "We do so because we respect the universal principle that people should choose their own leaders, whether they are leaders we agree with or not."

    It's like Obama doesn't even know he just contradicted himself.

  • ||

    I reckon we all know what suge pictures while goin fer the record

  • ||

    I reckon we all know what suge pictures while goin fer the record

    Simba (as a cub) from The Lion King?

    He's a furry and a pedophile.

  • Jeff P||

    Joe slams his member between the pages of the 1963 S&H Green Stamp catalog that his dad used to smack his mom with when she got mouthy...

  • ||

    If lion cubs didn't want to get fucked, then maybe they shouldn't be so damn sexy.

  • Xeones||

    Sweet'n'Low, what's your address? I'm sending you my therapy bills.

  • Abdul||

    Joe Biden takes the gold back for America!

    USA! USA! USA!

  • ||

    I'm sending you my therapy bills.

    I want your mind to be as shattered as my belief in a benevolent God.

    I want to be your utter ruin.

  • ||

    If lion cubs didn't want to get fucked, then maybe they shouldn't be so damn sexy.

    See, this is what I'm talking about. Why don't you focus your attention on some hyenas instead? They're matriarchal, something like the Feministing chicks you're so focused on.

  • Xeones||

    I want to be your utter ruin.

    Well then, i tip my hat to you, sir. FULL SUCCESSkljadsnv ca;osndfjvc

  • Warty||

    I happened to be in Pittsburgh this weekend, only to find that there was a goddamned furry convention there. I blame Episiarch.

  • ||

    Speaking of...

    Everyone's favorite website has a new commenting policy.

    And they will have a "report abuse" button. I'm sure one of resident coders could come up with something fun to do with this feature.

  • Zeb||

    Does anyone else think "fisting" whenever they read "feministing".

  • ||

    I blame Episiarch.

    Look, I spotted furries at the gay pride parade/celebration here in Seattle the other weekend. I can't help it if they're drawn to me like moths to a flame. Shit, look at NutraSweet--he couldn't leave me alone if he tried.

  • ||

    I am not a furry. And you wishing real hard isn't going to make it so, sicko.

  • ||

    I am not a furry.

    Denial--it's not just a river in Egypt. I've seen your Kirk/Spock furry slash fan fic stuff, dude. I had to wash my eyes out with bleach.

  • Ska||

    Zeb - the better question is "who doesn't think fisting....?"

  • ||

  • Art-P.O.G.||

    SugarFree | July 7, 2009, 3:20pm | #

    I tip my hat, sir. I tip my hat for, like, a full 20 seconds.

  • jersey||

    good on TV

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