The High-Five: Gateway to a Kick in the Nuts

After a student got kicked in the groin and had to be treated at a hospital, Catherine Williams, principal of East Shore Middle School in Milford, Connecticut, laid down the law, banning not just testicular assault but hugs, back slaps, high-fives, handshakes, and taps on the shoulder. In fact, "to keep all students safe in the learning environment," physical contact of any kind is now prohibited at Williams' school, on pain of "parent conferences, detention, suspension and/or a request for expulsion from school." This is the same black-and-white thinking that says Advil should be barred from school, with contraband ibuprofen rooted out through strip searches if necessary, lest students get hooked on heroin.  

More Reason coverage of "zero tolerance" idiocy here.

[via The Freedom Files]

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  • Taktix®||

    Oh come on...

    This has got to be a joke story...

  • SpongePaul||

    a kick to the cajones required a hospital visit. who kicked him chuck norris or JCVD. look as a kid i was nailed by baseballs feet fists etc. and not once did it require a doctor visit, PANSIES!

  • ||

    When my high chools tld us we couldn't wear t-shirts with alcohol on them, a bunch of us students showed up wearing such shirts on purpose. The school realized they get funded based on the number of students in school per day. We knew that.

    Hopefully, the kids at East Shore Middle School will act accordingly. It's a win-win. You either get some of your freedom back or you get a couple days off.

  • B||

    This is not really news. When I was in junior high school over 20 years ago, we weren't allowed to hug or do most of that other stuff. Although I do agree the ban on handshakes and high-fives is really silly.

  • ||

    Think of the strip-searches possible for violating physical contact rules.

    "It was a matter of school safety to make sure she didn't have a extra set of hands in her underwear."

  • Fascitis Necrotizante||

    OK so not only did this kid get kicked in the nuts so hard it required hospitalization, but in the process he also initiated a school policy banning shoulder tapping and handshakes? What a pussy.

  • Fascitis Necrotizante||

    I bet he cried.

  • B||

    "When my high chools tld us we couldn't wear t-shirts with alcohol on them, a bunch of us students showed up wearing such shirts on purpose. The school realized they get funded based on the number of students in school per day. We knew that."

    Yeah sure, you did that because you knew the school would lose funding if they did anything. I bet you even looked up all the pertinent statutes concerning school funding beforehand, right? Give me a break.

  • ||

    Young Master
    Patrick Abbazia protested by attending school wrapped in duct tape.

    Kevin

  • Proctor||

    If a middle school girl gives high-fives to another middle school girl, can I serch their vaginas?

  • ||

    Catherine,

    There's a big difference between "this" *pats her shoulder* and THIS *kicks her in the crotch*

    Alas, she doesn't have the same sort of jewels, so's it probably wouldn't hurt as bad...

  • Buffy\'s Vagina||

    "Young Master
    Patrick Abbazia protested by attending school wrapped in duct tape."

    Good kid. Good kid!

  • JB||

    People who work for the government are stupid. That includes teachers and cops.

  • Dello||

    I hope all the students walk out to the playground together and joins hands to sing Kumbyaa, (or better yet, the Obama song) and dare the administration to do something.

  • Perv||

    If a middle school girl gives high-fives to another middle school girl, can I serch their vaginas?

    The high fives generally come afterward.

  • Jeff P||

    I kicked a guy in the nuts once. In High School. He was way bigger than me and was a compulsive bully. He had also slapped a female friend of mine. Right in the nuts, with a satisfying thump.

    I also slept with his girlfriend.

  • Brandon||

    Patrick Abbazia said that he and his friends like to give each other "knuckles" and to high-five, and that to ban those actions -- when fighting is the problem -- doesn't seem right.

    "My mom says it's not good for a person to go all day without touching,'' the eighth-grader said.


    Your mom told me the same thing, kid.

  • ||

    This is nuts.


    Uh, no pun intended.

    Ok, it WAS intended. Still, this story is a kick in the groin.

  • ||

    a kick to the cajones required a hospital visit. who kicked him chuck norris or JCVD. look as a kid i was nailed by baseballs feet fists etc. and not once did it require a doctor visit, PANSIES!

    A kick in the crotch requiring treatment? If he were my son, I'd insist on it. I might take a kid who got hit in the head by a thrown baseball as well. But I have common sense, YMMV.

    That said, I'm sure that assault is already proscribed by Connecticut law. The principal displays for all to see the intelligence and ability to reason required to get an education degree. Since she's a principal she probably has a masters.

  • ||

    The obvious solution is to close down the school.

    But then the teachers and administrators would have to get real jobs.

  • ||

    Finally! At last some one thought of the children. Now if only we can prevent them from seeing or hearing anything unpleasant, nothing bad will ever happen to our precious posterity ever again. They are the future you know.

  • ||

    I hit an albino in the nuts with a volleyball.

  • ||

    "That kid has a foot in his possesion; there is no other conceivable reason than that he intends to kick someone. Take him down, boys!"

  • ||

    Yeah sure, you did that because you knew the school would lose funding if they did anything. I bet you even looked up all the pertinent statutes concerning school funding beforehand, right? Give me a break.

    You're right. I made the whole thing up to post on H&R.

    It was common knowledge at our school about the funding, probably from some prior issue, but a lot of us did it and it worked. Maybe the funding wasn't the real reason the school backed off, but that was the story that went around. Considering our assistant principle (in charge of discipline) was a hardass, I think it must have had to do with money.

  • ev||

    jeff p: you magnificent bastard.

    how can they just ban all physical contact? A: it's obviously preposterously unpossible to enforce (although par for the course for our lovely gov't!).

    B: it's really fucking unhealthy to not have physical contact.

    and i didnt go to the hospital when four dudes kicked me in the face for several minutes, breaking my cheek and my nose (i could click it back and forth), and giving me two black eyes and covering me in blood.

    i rule.

  • ||

    I hit an albino in the nuts with a volleyball.

    I assumed albinos were eunuchs. Based on, y'know, that being funny to me.

  • ||

    Nick,

    We all knew about it because of the days when enough kids were sick with the flu, they called off school and told us it was a funding problem (in KY the threshold is 20%.) A bunch of counties did it this year during flu season.

  • ||

    I assumed albinos were eunuchs.

    I had gym class with him and knew the horrible truth.

    The Lair Of The White Worm, indeed.

  • ||

    Is it just me or have there been a lot of stories of stupid shit coming out of CT recently? I'm so glad I just moved out of there.

    I assumed albinos were eunuchs.

    The one NutraSweet pegged in the jumblies is now.

  • ||

    Actually, he's in Federal prison for drug trafficking for the rest of his life. Got arrested with 25,000 hits of LSD and didn't know enough about his suppliers to effectively roll on them.

  • ||

    They put you in Federal prison for life for possession of a shitload of blotter acid? Really? Fuck.

    Well, he can always be a jailhouse informant and tell lies about whoever the prosecution really wants to screw. He'll be out in no time.

  • Xeones||

    Do you know what happens to albinos in Federal PMITA prison? Poor guy. As a Person of Very Little Color, the idea terrifies me.

  • ||

    The way the hometown newspaper put it, every hit was a one year felony sentence. I can't imagine he got 25,000 years in Federal prison, but they were talking about the fact that he was going to jail for the rest of his life. He has a really common name and this happened in the early 90s, I can't seem to google anything up on him.

  • Unka Sam||

    Got arrested with 25,000 hits of LSD


    Is that the fella who thinks he's a glass of orange juice?

  • ||

    Do NOT mess with the albino in prison. Those people have anal teeth.

    I read it.

  • ||

    "'It's unpleasantly like being drunk.'

    'What's so unpleasant about being drunk?'

    'You ask a glass of water.'"

  • ||

    "anal teeth"

    Does that mean what I think it means?

  • In Tangental News||

    OAKDALE, Calif. -- The fundraising idea may seem a little nuts, but Oakdale's annual Testicle Festival is always a big hit. On Monday, volunteers with the town's Rotary Club plan to fry up 400 pounds of the private parts of bulls and serve them to diners who pay $50 apiece for the sit-down meal.

    more at:

    http://www.modbee.com/weird/story/645349.html

  • ||

    I wonder how Williams feels about walking around in a building full of armed kids. I mean, they've all got pencils, pens...the potential for bloodshed is great. Writing utencils should be banned, as should scissors, crayons, markers (kids sniff 'em and get high, even the nontoxic ones!), cleats, contact sports, gazing too intently at classmates, reflexive yawning (potential for jaw injury), any movement of the body except to ambulate to and from classes, and thinking too much.

  • ||

    Does that mean what I think it means?

    Yes... and no.

  • Pip||

    "As a Person of Very Little Color, the idea terrifies me."

    What terrifies me is that we've become so PC that a person who is white considers themself to be "a Person of Very Little Color", when in fact, white is all the colors put together while black is the absence of color.

  • ||

    I hit an albino in the nuts with a volleyball.

    Was he doing that stupid "rope climbing" trick to you too? That's what made me pop one right in the bugle. You see those morons all over Seattle trying to make a buck with their stupid "tricks." I don't have a problem with that, but it's called "personal space" for a reason, chief!

  • ||

    sage,

    Nope, it was high school gym class and he was hurling insults. Drop-kicked the volleyball right into his junk from about 20 feet away.

  • Unka Sam||

    white is all the colors put together while black is the absence of color.


    However, this premise fails the Crayola test.

  • ||

    Yeah, SF, right before I did that he was running up to some kid and doing that thing where he pretends to be in a box and is trying to get out. Yeah, never saw that before. What a piece of wang.

  • ||

    This is crazy, I've seen guys get knocked pretty hard and none of them required a hospitl visit... Kids a wuss

  • ||

    Sage, those aren't albinos. They're retards. Really, the ignorance around here about sub-humans is enough to make me cancel my subscription.

  • Pip||

    "This is crazy, I've seen guys get knocked pretty hard and none of them required a hospitl visit... Kids a wuss"

    Perhaps the school required it in order to protect itself from litigation.

  • ||

    Drink!

  • ||

    A hospital trip might not be the worst idea. My brother-in-law kicked his brother in the jimmies when they were kids and it resulted in testicular torsion that required surgery to keep him from losing a nut due to restricted blood flow.

  • ||

    testicular torsion

    Dibs on the best all-girl band name ever.

  • ||

    You can have it...

    By the way, their mother is a nurse, so when BIL's brother complained, his mom made him drop trou so she could "manipulate" them. Felt up by his own mom.

  • Zeb||

    "white is all the colors put together while black is the absence of color"

    That only applies to the color of light. Pigmentation-wise, white is the absence of color (but reflects every color).

  • ||

  • TofuSushi||

    "Felt up by his own mom."

    A daily ritual when I was growing up.

  • pdog||

    I would think albinos would be a shoo-in for the Aryan Brotherhood prison gang....

  • SpongePaul||

    actually white is the reflection of all color not lack of, and black is the absorbation of all color

  • SpongePaul||

    color is subjective, what gives an object a color, is the wavelenght of light it reflects. change the type of light wavelength, aka ultraviolet infared and the supposed color of the object changed. when in fact it did not, it just reflects wavelengths at varying energies

  • Taktix®||

    actually white is the reflection of all color not lack of, and black is the absorbation of all color

    Depends if you're talking about the visible spectrum or pigment. They are backwards, because one is the lightwave itself, and the other is the reflecting object.

    So you're kinda both rith, but really both hella wrong!

  • ||

    He had also slapped a female friend of mine. Right in the nuts, with a satisfying thump.

    Umm, Jeff P, I'm not sure how to break this to you . . . .

  • Bob||

    Now they just have to ban the children from talking to each other and then the kids can be perfectly safe -- both physically and emotionally.

  • Robert||

    T shirts with alcohol on them? Sloppy drinkers or what?

  • Taktix®||

    He had also slapped a female friend of mine. Right in the nuts, with a satisfying thump.

    Did you mean "right in the oaves" or something?

  • jtuf||

    Just out of curiousity, did the one student who actually assaulted a classmate ever get disciplined? To paraphrase the NRA principle: High Fives didn't cause testicular injury. Bob (or what ever his name is) caused testicular injury.

  • ||

    Isn't this a perfect example of standard public policy? Existing rules against kicking people in the nuts fail to prevent a testicular injury, so the authorities ban something that has nothing to do it, handshakes.

    Even if this was a Bangkok joke gone bad, banning any physical contact is way too far.

  • ||

    Their football team is gonna suck real bad.

  • ethan||

    so before this kid got kicked in the groin

    crotch shots were allowed?

  • ||

    Color exists only in your brain. ;-)

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