"This is the Dust of 3000 Innocent Human Beings!"

David Weigel | August 12, 2008

I'm holding a palm card that was just given out at the Heritage Foundation to promote the new David Zucker film An American Carol. If I fill out the card, I can take one of four pledges, such as "Yes, I will send the trailer to my contacts" and "Yes, I want to be AN AMERICAN CAROLER or THEATER CAPTAIN." It's an induction to a movement, as the slogan on the card makes clear: "Finally, a movie for us."

By "us," of course, the filmmakers and promoters mean conservatives. Executive producer Myrna Sokoloff has put together a "pro-soldier, support our troops, pro-America" comedy, which Stephen Hayes previews in the new Weekly Standard. In it, filmmaker Michael Malone (Kevin "brother of Chris" Farley) and his organization MoveAlong.org are trying to repeal the Fourth of July when three angels—the Angel of Death, George S. Patton, and George Washington—come to him and convince him to change his ways.

The crowd at Heritage got to see a trailer and a few minutes of clips 24 hours before either of them will be generally released. I'm a huge fan of the Zucker-Leslie Nielsen canon, and not much of a fan of Zucker's ads for Republicans. The footage we saw floated somewhere in the middle of those two projects, quality-wise. Fat-assed Malone travels to Cuba, pledges to destroy America, and takes advantage of the invisibility granted by ghost status by grabbing a protestor's boobs. Bill O'Reilly appears out of nowhere to slap him. "I just like doing that," he says. Terrorists led by everybody's favorite pockmarked tough guy Robert Davi bitch that they're low on suicide bombers ("All the good ones are gone!") and all answer to the name Mohammed. In a scene that Sokoloff described, but didn't bring, Patton and his soldiers storm a courthouse that's about to remove the Ten Commandments and start opening fire on the people trying to stop them. "You can't shoot these people!" Malone says. "They're not people!" says Patton. "They're the ACLU!" At this point we see that the ACLU members are unkillable George Romero zombies.

Details about the movie were kept secret, on purpose, until this month. In February, it was reported that Kelsey Grammer would be Scrooge in the new movie. He's actually playing the ghost of George Patton, and Jon Voight is playing George Washington. In a clip we saw, Washington takes Malone to St. Paul's Cathedral to lecture him on freedom of religion and "freedom of speech, which you abuse." Malone is grossed out by dust in the priest's box, so the doors open onto the smoldering ruins of the World Trade Center. "This is the dust of 3000 innocent human beings!" bellows Washington. Malone whimpers that he's just making movies. Washington won't have it. "Is that what you plan to say on Judgment Day?"

"That scene," said Sokoloff, "is hard to put in a comedy. But we had to do it."

The whole meeting had the tone of a FARC strategy session more than a fun publicity junket. This movie isn't just going to sell tickets (it'll open in 2000 theaters), it's going to liberate Hollywood's Republican untouchables and open the floodgates to more conservative films. "Last year you saw a bunch of anti-military movies like Redacted and In the Valley of Elah," Sokoloff said. "All of them had big stars, and, thank God, they bombed. America didn’t want to see that stuff on screen. We have to show up to a movie that has our values. If this succeeds, if could change everything."

Sokoloff did worry about the last political comedy to hit theaters, Swing Vote. "People just didn't want to see something about the election," she mused. Is it a bad sign that both of the fictional politicians in that film, Dennis Hopper and Kelsey Grammer, are back in this? Probably not, actually. Swing Vote tried to tell a sappy Capra story divorced from real-world politics. This movie grabs the culture war by both horns and starts riding and hollering.

Comments

Episiarch|8.12.08 @ 3:08PM|#

Prediction: it will be horrible with a few funny moments. Those funny moments will probably be very similar to the shots taken at liberals in Team America. The non-funny parts will be agonizingly bad.

|8.12.08 @ 3:09PM|#

It sounds like this will do for comedy what Ben Stein's Expelled did for science.

Mad Max|8.12.08 @ 3:11PM|#

"In a clip we saw, Washington takes Malone to St. Paul's Cathedral to lecture him on freedom of religion and 'freedom of speech, which you abuse.' Malone is grossed out by dust in the priest's box, so the doors open onto the smoldering ruins of the World Trade Center. "This is the dust of 3000 innocent human beings!" bellows Washington. Malone whimpers that he's just making movies. Washington won't have it. 'Is that what you plan to say on Judgment Day?'"

Don't forget the hilarious scene where Washington says he was "just kidding" about the whole no-entangling-alliances thing.

Naga Sadow|8.12.08 @ 3:17PM|#

I would have asked who was going to be playing MJK.

Zing!

Nigel Watt|8.12.08 @ 3:23PM|#

Nope, won't be watching it.

|8.12.08 @ 3:24PM|#

Look people. Blinkered fanatics ARE NOT FUNNY on either the left or the right. It was seriousness and a lack of humor that made them fanatics in the first place. Don't hold your breath for a hilarious anti-war Sean Penn sitcom anytime soon, either.

And speaking of Expelled, conservatives should stay out of the documentary genre. The right has religion to tell them what to think and the left has documentaries. Documentaries are liberal equivilent of going to church; there's a reason Unitarians aren't much of a force in the religious landscape of America.

|8.12.08 @ 3:25PM|#

This movie sounds gay. Larry Craig republican closet gay.

|8.12.08 @ 3:25PM|#

This reminds of me liberals trying to do radio talk shows. Talk radio is bad enough without liberal pontification. Now we have conservatives trying to put political messages in Hollywood movies. The political messages in movies are bad enough without having to sit through neocon/theocon lectures.

|8.12.08 @ 3:27PM|#

So this tripe is getting green-lit while Atlas Shrugged is stuck in pre-production hell. Does that seem right to you?

Episiarch|8.12.08 @ 3:27PM|#

Blinkered fanatics ARE NOT FUNNY on either the left or the right.

Oh yes they are. It's just that you need someone like Sascha Baron Cohen interviewing them to get at the funny nougat center.

TallDave|8.12.08 @ 3:28PM|#

Heh.

I bet it does at least 10x what Redacted did.

|8.12.08 @ 3:30PM|#

conservatives should stay out of the documentary genre.

Let's be fair, now. Conservatives have made some good documentaries too, on issues like immigration and the Waco attacks.

|8.12.08 @ 3:30PM|#

Oh god that sounds nauseating. I probably should have waited to start drinking.

JP|8.12.08 @ 3:31PM|#

Shooting libruls is funny! Especially if they abuse so-called "free speech!" I decide!

BDB|8.12.08 @ 3:32PM|#

Good God this sounds lame. I bet most homemade YouTube videos will get more views than this movie.

|8.12.08 @ 3:32PM|#

And it's funny you don't smear all liberal documentaries everywhere on the basis of shit like Sicko...

BDB|8.12.08 @ 3:34PM|#

Don't they also realize 9/11 is now a punchline?

|8.12.08 @ 3:35PM|#

There some stupid show on Fox News called The Half-hour News Hour that was supposed to compete with The Daily Show. I saw a clip of that where the running joke was that Barack Obama's initials are "BO". I shit you not. That's what this sounds like.

BDB|8.12.08 @ 3:36PM|#

Oh, the Half Hour News Hour. What an abortion of a "comedy" show that was.

fyodor|8.12.08 @ 3:37PM|#

filmmaker Michael Malone (Kevin "brother of Chris" Farley) and his organization MoveAlong.org are trying to repeal the Fourth of July when three angels-the Angel of Death, George S. Patton, and George Washington-come to him and convince him to change his ways.

I don't know about anyone else, but I think an encounter with the Angel of Death would be plenty to convince me of just about anything, with or without dead American heroes thrown in!!

Taktix®|8.12.08 @ 3:37PM|#

Weigel, I hope the following quote was sarcasm:

I'm a huge fan of the Zucker-Leslie Nielsen canon...

Because if it isn't, you have no cred as a movie critic. You're going to tell me you liked Spy Hard? Dracula: Dead and Loving It? Mafia?

But on to this American Carol business: this is parroting, not parody. Simply taking figures from the real world or literature, changing their names slightly, and adding some fart jokes does not a satire make.

This looks to be another entry in to lowest common denominator of "comedy," a genre filled with the likes of Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Meet the Spartans.

It's the drooling masses chuckling at this trash, stupefied while their leaders destroy their rights.

Jeff Fecke|8.12.08 @ 3:37PM|#

So this tripe is getting green-lit while Atlas Shrugged is stuck in pre-production hell. Does that seem right to you?

Actually, yes, given that if shot faithfully, AS would be 98 hours long, and terminally dull.

TallDave|8.12.08 @ 3:37PM|#

Atlas Shrugged is stuck in pre-production hell.

You'd think with Angelina Jolie on board, it would be a done deal, but apparently Perelman is out and she's pregnant, so...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlas_Shrugged_(film)

|8.12.08 @ 3:38PM|#

This sounds like pretty edgy stuff, really. A fat, liberal filmmaker named Michael Malone? Brilliant.

However, they should have gone the extra mile and named the character Michael S'mores and had him eating s'mores all the time. I'm not saying it's funny, but it has a lot of potential in the product tie-in dep't.

Elemenope|8.12.08 @ 3:42PM|#

Documentaries are liberal equivalent of going to church; there's a reason Unitarians aren't much of a force in the religious landscape of America.

Alright, boys (and transgendered fellow travelers)! We've hoisted the question mark. Let's set 'er alight!

[Dramatic pan to SugarFree, who stands agape]

Sugarfree: Why o why didn't the government outlaw this *hate Speech!!!*

TallDave|8.12.08 @ 3:43PM|#

BTW, was anyone else surprised and aroused to learn Jolie was a huge Ayn Rand fan?

|8.12.08 @ 3:47PM|#

However, they should have gone the extra mile and named the character Michael S'mores and had him eating s'mores all the time. I'm not saying it's funny, but it has a lot of potential in the product tie-in dep't.

Heh. Well it's the funniest thing in this thread so far anyway.

Ken Hagler|8.12.08 @ 3:48PM|#

If I were to make a movie poking fun at idiotic Republicans and the nonsense they believe, I think it would be exactly the same.

|8.12.08 @ 3:48PM|#

Wow. This sounds "Waterworld" bad.

David McElroy|8.12.08 @ 3:50PM|#

Does anyone know who's behind the funding of this movie (or the packaging of the fund-raising)?

Fluffy|8.12.08 @ 3:52PM|#

I have no problem with this film. I am making my own film where the protagonists kill as many Christians as they can find, explaining while doing so that it's OK, because Christians aren't people.

OK actually I'm not making that film, but I hope someone does.

BTW, I hate Michael Moore as much as the next guy [probably more, because I hated him starting from Roger and Me, and didn't want for his later work to hate him like a lot of other people] but does anyone seriously think that if there were to actually be a Judgment Day, he'd have more to worry about than, say, W?

|8.12.08 @ 3:53PM|#

"Last year you saw a bunch of anti-military movies like Redacted and In the Valley of Elah," Sokoloff said. "All of them had big stars, and, thank God, they bombed. America didn't want to see that stuff on screen."

Uh, yeah, it isn't that Americans don't want heavy-handed political movies, just that your typical 2007 American movie-goer wanted heavy-handed politics wanted a more right-wing message. That's gotta be it.

That's gotta be it. In 2007/2008, what Americans really want when they go to the movies is heavy-handed politics about the war on terror - but only if it has that strong pro-Iraq War, right-leaning angle that's become so popular over the past few years.

"We have to show up to a movie that has our values. If this succeeds, if could change everything."

I look forward to this movie flopping spectacularly, and the dawning realization that there are a couple of orders of magnitude more Americans who buy into "Hollywood values" (quite distinct from "liberal values") than "our values."

Aw, who am I kidding? They'll come up with some conspiracy theory about the all-powerful liberals who refused to provide wide theatrical realease to this steaming pile, despite the literally dozens of Americans who wrote in demanding it be shown.

|8.12.08 @ 3:54PM|#

A movie based on Michael-Moore-is-fat? How can it miss? But I thought conservatives in Hollywood had been hunted to extinction. "Finally, a movie for us". That cracks me up. Poor David Zucker, an outcast all his life.

|8.12.08 @ 3:56PM|#

Elemenope,

It may be the low blood sugar talking, but... Huh?

Unitarians are fairly politically liberal as a group. Is this a controversial statement? The Unitarians aren't a major political force like many other denominations they are largely conservative. Again, controversial statement?

I'm really not sure what you are getting at.

|8.12.08 @ 3:56PM|#

What a bunch of morons.

|8.12.08 @ 4:01PM|#

And it's funny you don't smear all liberal documentaries everywhere on the basis of shit like Sicko...

I said documentaries are more effective and numerous when made by liberals because the liberal base likes going to documentaries. I made no claims on the quality of those documentaries.

I only mentioned Expelled because of the rarity of it being a conservative documentary.

Feel free to doubt evolution if like; I wasn't making fun of your precious Ben Stein.

Episiarch|8.12.08 @ 4:03PM|#

I look forward to this movie flopping spectacularly

It all depends on if they can get a large number of Republican types to come out and see the movie just to support it. I doubt it, but Passion of the Christ made 80 bajillion dollars. However, the latter was about the founder of the dominant religion in this country and the former is just about culture war politics.

You want to experience severe pain? Go see this movie somewhere where the audience is overwhelmingly Republican. You will either experience the pain of listening to people laughing uproariously at ham-fisted culture war jabs, or the pain of watching the target audience for these jokes not laugh at them because they're so unfunny.

As something of a connoisseur of pain and bad movies it's definitely something to consider (if I could get to somewhere with the right audience).

Jeff Fecke|8.12.08 @ 4:03PM|#

Documentaries are liberal equivalent of going to church; there's a reason Unitarians aren't much of a force in the religious landscape of America.

We are, however, able to kick some ass when a shotgun-wielding maniac attacks.

BDB|8.12.08 @ 4:06PM|#

Epi, since you like horrible movies do you ever read the Agony Booth? I hope they do a review of this.

Episiarch|8.12.08 @ 4:15PM|#

BDB, from the looks of it, The Agony Booth reviews mostly stuff that's a little too mainstream for me. I tend more towards fare like Invasion of the Blood Farmers or They Don't Cut the Grass Anymore.

However, they do have Shatner's Impulse, which I own, so I'll have to read that recap.

vinny gates|8.12.08 @ 4:19PM|#

I can't actually tell if this is making fun of liberals OR neocons.

Boston|8.12.08 @ 4:22PM|#

Did that Hillary movie ever come out?

|8.12.08 @ 4:24PM|#

I've no plans to watch this til I can Netflix it and thus not contribute any money, but this sounds so terrible that it has the potential to be great, especially if watched while drunk.

|8.12.08 @ 4:25PM|#

We are, however, able to kick some ass when a shotgun-wielding maniac attacks.

Indeed.

First Little Pig|8.12.08 @ 4:26PM|#

HUMBUG!

|8.12.08 @ 4:28PM|#

Elemenope,

Never mind. Under the sweet incandescent lightbulbs of home, I see what you were getting at. Brain broke; going to play videogames until wife comes home.

Alan Vanneman|8.12.08 @ 4:28PM|#

I hear that on the set Kelsey and Dennis snorted the dust of 3,000 innocent human beings, thinking it was coke.

Boston|8.12.08 @ 4:33PM|#

Also if Voight says this "Is that what you plan to say on Judgment Day?" as Washington, I will punch him in the mouth.

|8.12.08 @ 4:34PM|#

Yet another version of A Christmas Carol. Not that I'm against the genre, but when will THIS version ever get the hollywood treatment?

http://www.adrugwarcarol.com/

Think of the potential for midnight-show double-bills with Reefer Madness!

|8.12.08 @ 4:37PM|#

Lol, Alan.

sniff. sniff. Man this shit sucks. Quit hogging it!

BDB|8.12.08 @ 4:50PM|#

Episiarch-

Read the recap of Manos, the Hands of Fate.

Thats probably a "movie" thats right up your alley.

Republican Base|8.12.08 @ 4:52PM|#

3000 innocent human beings? In New York City?

After you discount for queers, fornicators, drug users, and gamblers you'd be lucky to have 10.

|8.12.08 @ 4:53PM|#

Oh, I get it now. Michael Malone is supposed to be Michael Moore. It's gold, Jerry. Gold!

|8.12.08 @ 4:58PM|#

Both Patton and Washington would have told these people to go to hell.

Episiarch|8.12.08 @ 4:59PM|#

Read the recap of Manos, the Hands of Fate.

I have encountered this one through MST3K. Once you've seen Joel and company work one of these movies over, watching it by itself is no fun.

Also, watching Ed Wood movies becomes less fun after seeing Ed Wood. You start looking for Ed's humanity in his films and that's never a good idea.

Ryo|8.12.08 @ 5:00PM|#

This movie is going to do Larry The Cable Guy numbers.

|8.12.08 @ 5:46PM|#

I can't actually tell if this is making fun of liberals OR neocons.

I noticed that as well.

|8.12.08 @ 5:47PM|#

After you discount for queers, fornicators, drug users, and gamblers you'd be lucky to have 10.

So long as those 10 are dead it was worth it.

Elemenope|8.12.08 @ 6:01PM|#

Sugarless --

It's better than that. I used to *be* a UU (in my youth, before the age of reason). Knowing some back-pocket Unitarian jokes is par for the course.

Salvius|8.12.08 @ 6:41PM|#

Prolefeed: Wow. This sounds "Waterworld" bad.

Hell, it sounds Freddie Got Fingered bad.

GILMORE|8.12.08 @ 6:50PM|#

"Let's make a "comedy" about the ugliest stereotypes across the american political spectrum! only, we'll be the GOOD GUYS! Yeah!"

Did anyone ever look at it and go, "hey... we look like a bunch of dicks!?"

Kolohe|8.12.08 @ 7:07PM|#

Good God this sounds lame. I bet most homemade YouTube videos will get more views than this movie.

Most youtube *comments* seem more inteligent than this movie.

And how is Mr Weigel familar with a FARC strategy session, hmmm? That's tres cosmo, even for me.

|8.12.08 @ 7:09PM|#

There some stupid show on Fox News called The Half-hour News Hour that was supposed to compete with The Daily Show. I saw a clip of that where the running joke was that Barack Obama's initials are "BO". I shit you not.

While it certainly wasn't up to part with The Daily Show (which merely puts me to sleep instead of inducing vomit), it is right in line with most progressive humor. Think "BusHitler", "Chimpy McBush", "The Shrub", etc. To some people the height of humor is someone from Code Pink flashing their muff saying "here's my bush"!

|8.12.08 @ 9:54PM|#

Finally, the right gets its "Canadian Bacon".

Does this make Kelsey Grammar the new Ed Asner?

|8.12.08 @ 10:00PM|#

Epi wrote: "It all depends on if they can get a large number of Republican types to come out and see the movie just to support it."

I dunno. I bet there's a fair number of such people who, after hiring a sitter and schlepping themselves to the multiplex, will say "ah, screw it, I'm gonna see something good."

Also: Bill "loofah" O'Reilly smacks someone for ghost-groping a woman?

The lack of self-awareness is... well... as expected.

|8.12.08 @ 10:02PM|#

"While it certainly wasn't up to part with The Daily Show (which merely puts me to sleep instead of inducing vomit), it is right in line with most progressive humor. Think "BusHitler", "Chimpy McBush", "The Shrub", etc."

The difference is that people aren't being paid to make those epithets up. Those are either split-second brain farts that amused someone writing a comment on the web, or someone repeating what someone else came up with. They didn't submit resumes for the honor of doing so.

|8.12.08 @ 10:36PM|#

Voight was pure gold as "Mr Sir" in "Holes." One bright spot in an otherwise dim career.

Metal Messiah|8.12.08 @ 11:49PM|#

Oh, man, I can't wait to see this. This movie is going to suck harder than Larry Craig at a San Francisco bathhouse.

Curiously enough, I always figured Jon Voight was a lefty. Then again, I'm not one to obsess over the political affiliations of entertainers.

|8.12.08 @ 11:51PM|#

I look forward to this movie flopping spectacularly, and the dawning realization that there are a couple of orders of magnitude more Americans who buy into "Hollywood values" (quite distinct from "liberal values") than "our values."

Based on the number of twits who infest H&R when they link to National Review, I'm not sure I'd bet on it. Using the crazification factor, 27% of 300 million is a lot.

Jon Voight|8.13.08 @ 12:14AM|#

AS MANNY

(best scene evrr!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqVn94Lf-tU

|8.13.08 @ 11:31AM|#

Conservatives can make interesting documentaries; check out Indoctrinate U.

http://www.indoctrinate-u.com/intro/

|8.13.08 @ 11:46AM|#

"...conservatives should stay out of the documentary genre."

Yeah, there's that famous liberal defense of free speech, for you, huh?

Only a nauseous, fat-ass like Michael Moore should get to produce propaganda.

|8.13.08 @ 1:06PM|#

This write-up does make the movie seem pretty unappealing, though I have read others that make it sound better. I've always liked Airplane, Nake Gun (not the sequels) and Top Secret, his other work not so much.

I'm really not sure 9/11 is good comedy fodder.

|8.13.08 @ 1:07PM|#

"Yeah, there's that famous liberal defense of free speech, for you, huh?"

It's not censorship, it's advice that conservatives should stick to their strengths rather than flaunting an area of incompetence.

That said, there's plenty of room for conservative-produced documentaries on cable. All those shows about military hardware, for instance.

|8.13.08 @ 1:29PM|#

Note to conservatives: please stay out of humor and stick to what you're good at (basically being intolerant pricks). Thanks.

aarrgghh|8.13.08 @ 1:35PM|#

see also: trying to discredit more mainstream homophobes.