CWA Lesson of the Day: Book Learning Makes You Ugly

Kerry Howley | April 5, 2007

Thank you, Janice Shaw Crouse, Bush-appointed delegate to the 2003 United Nations Commission on the Status of Women, senior fellow at the Concerned Women for America, and former presidential speech writer, for penning this grave and important treatise on the tragic lives of “Washington’s working women”:

When I saw her, as she headed to work on the train early one morning, her hair was still damp and she looked slightly worn and only half awake. Nonetheless, she was quite beautiful. Not beautiful in the dewy, fresh-faced way she probably looked when she arrived in Washington a few years earlier, but very attractive all the same. In spite of her still hard-body figure and smart, slightly provocative clothes, there was a hint of vulnerability in her body language - a certain tentativeness. She was obviously "with" the young man she sat beside, but there was something missing. And it was not just the wedding rings that neither of them was wearing. It was something else.

In Washington, like in most places these days, it works something like this. The young women - fresh out of college, where many of them have experimented sexually to one degree or another - arrive full of ambition and energy…

It's the moving out and moving on, time and again, that eventually take their toll. This calls for more aggressive partying. With enough alcohol to dull the senses (as it lowers the inhibitions and eases the memories), the young woman may manage to ignore the slide at first…

But when a girl hits 30-ish, she begins to sense things slipping away from her. If she's not stupid, she sees that not as many men notice her as once did, and she becomes aware that her biological clock is ticking. If she is not blind, she takes stock of the 40-ish women who arrived before her and likely isn't happy at the thought of ending up like so many of them. Oh, these 40-ish women are talented, experienced and respected for the professional way they can get the job done on the Hill, in the government agencies or in corporations or non-governmental organizations. In many instances, they are absolutely indispensable. But. Big "but."

But what, Janice Shaw Crouse? But they are destined to OD on a truckload of morning-after pills? But their barren wombs will eat away at their damned souls, empty shells of womanhood that they are?

But these professional women are never going to have the big romance that girls dream about.

Dammit! My girlhood dreams of marrying Scott Baio in a Strawberry Shortcake and/or My Little Pony-themed beach wedding are doomed. Never mind the, you know, data, which shows that high-earning women are as or more likely to marry than their low-income counterparts. I think we can all agree that math class is tough.

Those women among you who made the mistake of learning to read: check out the whole thing.

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|4.5.07 @ 1:47PM|#

This is smarmy and offensive beyond words. ugh.

|4.5.07 @ 1:52PM|#

Ah, the good old imaginary commuter anecdote that proves / validates my "point." Cabdrivers work well too, in a pinch.

Shorter Janice Shaw Crouse: All non-virgins are sluts. No one marries a slut.

|4.5.07 @ 1:53PM|#

Kerry wants Charles in charge of her.

squarooticus|4.5.07 @ 1:54PM|#

I'd like to see some data about women in politics marrying and bearing children.

As much as I tend to tell whiners to stop whining and figure out what they really want from life, I recognize and appreciate the difficulty of doing the latter. It doesn't sound like the hypothetical woman to which you refer is whining: it sounds like she's just encountered the common dilemma of spending more time getting ahead versus fulfilling personal needs.

This is especially problematic in politics, where standing still doesn't exist: a corollary to Mencken's comment regarding "good" polticians is that those in politics spend their lives screwing us in some misguided mission to save the world rather than chasing their own dreams. As a consequence, I have little sympathy... but that doesn't mean I don't understand the plight.

|4.5.07 @ 1:56PM|#

Even shorter Janice Shaw Crouse: I hate women who aren't like me.

|4.5.07 @ 2:01PM|#

When I saw her, as she headed to work on the train early one morning, her hair was still damp and she looked slightly worn and only half awake. Nonetheless, she was quite beautiful. Not beautiful in the dewy, fresh-faced way she probably looked when she arrived in Washington a few years earlier, but very attractive all the same. In spite of her still hard-body figure and smart, slightly provocative clothes, there was a hint of vulnerability in her body language - a certain tentativeness.

Dear Penthouse Forum,
I never thought this would happen to me, but one day on the way to work...

|4.5.07 @ 2:02PM|#

The interesting thing about this is not the article but rather Ms. Howley's defensiveness.

Couldn't all these women missing out on a "traditional" family life move to Indonesia and marry all those men who hate Playboy for destroying their country's morals? Seems like a match made in heaven...

I mean, c'mon, these women are talented, respected and successful, three things I'll never be, so I don't know why they're complaining.

Great.
Just great

Now how the farq do I get those 5 minutes back?

|4.5.07 @ 2:03PM|#

Damn you, Aaron, you were thinking the same thing I was!

Eh, it just proves again- the most repressed are the most obsessed...

|4.5.07 @ 2:04PM|#

As a guy, I find CWA's image of us pretty damn insulting.

You know what waiting to get married until you've established a career does, ladies? It guarnatees that you won't end up with some guy who resents the fact that you have a career.

|4.5.07 @ 2:05PM|#

She is not hoping to join the ranks of the women who are only indispensable to their boss at work

Because if you have a job, and are good at it, no will ever want you again. Ever.

...that goes for friends too. No one.

...Ever.

|4.5.07 @ 2:09PM|#

Kerry sure is cute when she's indignant.

|4.5.07 @ 2:11PM|#

...I'd like to see some data about women in politics marrying and bearing children.

Thats right....data...lots of hard pounding sweaty data!

"Because if you have a job, and are good at it, no will ever want you again. Ever."

Shrinks the uterus, you know.

ed|4.5.07 @ 2:13PM|#

Mission Statement
The mission of CWA is to protect and promote Biblical values among all citizens - first through prayer, then education, and finally by influencing our society - thereby reversing the decline in moral values in our nation.

Which is why I could give a rat's ass.

|4.5.07 @ 2:21PM|#

I was sure disappointed to find out that when she said "experimented sexually in college", she really meant "had sex in college." Not what I was thinking at all, nope not at all.

Passim|4.5.07 @ 2:22PM|#

Personally, I would love a career woman. I work at home and keep a clean house. Don't worry about kids: I've already got them.

Wanna come over some time, Kerry?

|4.5.07 @ 2:23PM|#

I'd comment on how hot Janice Shaw Crouse is, but that didn't work so well yesterday.

thoreau|4.5.07 @ 2:27PM|#

Wait, so Janice Shaw Crouse sees a woman in her mid 20's riding the Metro to work with her boyfriend, and immediately deduces her life story, one that is not only sad (by whatever standard you like) but could also be remedied if only the woman had focused on traditional family life?

A few things:

1) Sounds like Crouse has had quite a career herself. How much time does she have for whatever traditional family life she's promoting?

2) How does Crouse know all this stuff about the woman on the Metro? Is she psychic? I thought the Bible has nasty things to say about sorcery...

We've found a witch. May we burn her?

Passim|4.5.07 @ 2:29PM|#

If she weighs more than a duck...

BURN HER!

|4.5.07 @ 2:33PM|#

Passim|4.5.07 @ 2:33PM|#

Any women? Really? Hello? Need mother for my adorable (no matter what the police say) kids! I can make omelettes, pancakes, filet mignon, lobster spring rolls, and hamburgers!

|4.5.07 @ 2:36PM|#

could also be remedied if only the woman had focused on traditional family life?

After googling her other articles, that appears to be the remedy to all of life's ills.

|4.5.07 @ 2:39PM|#

Women in their 40's with newborns depress me.

|4.5.07 @ 2:43PM|#

Check list:

1) Experimented with having full on sex prior to marriage?

yes

2) Graduated from college and entered the workforce?

yes

3) Grew up to become a ninja, and totally flip out, and kill people all of the time?

no

Fuck! The formula totally works.

Even for dudes.

VM|4.5.07 @ 2:44PM|#

"If she weighs more than a duck...

BURN HER!"

nah - just build a bridge out of her...

thoreau|4.5.07 @ 2:47PM|#

But can you not also build bridges out of stones?

|4.5.07 @ 2:51PM|#

Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

|4.5.07 @ 2:53PM|#

Is this going to turn into a thread about "Well, she turned me into a" Newt Gingrich?

PS: He got better.

|4.5.07 @ 2:54PM|#

Oh c'mon, we all know that any women who isn't married and pregnant by 19 is a slut.

I must say, however, that Concerned Women for America would be a *great* band name.

VM (neeh! neeh!)|4.5.07 @ 2:58PM|#

Some James:

No. Tim the Enchanter will be by shortly. He can summon Haiku without match or tinder!

(p.s., Michael Barrett just proved, yet again, why we should have gotten rid of his whining, sorry ass last year. Hope Lou kicks his punk ass)

Janice Shaw Crouse|4.5.07 @ 2:58PM|#

Kerry, my young, libertine slutlet, you are simply too young to know how cursed you are. Go breed now, please.

Passim|4.5.07 @ 3:00PM|#

Ok, serious, guys, fuck 'em all.

They say they want a "career". So they have a "career" and get pissy and bitchy because they realize (too late) they're not mothers.

Or

They say they want to "have a family." So they give birth and then get pissy and bitchy because they realize (too late) they have no careers.

Done with it. I honestly don't give a flying fuck about how feminists and/or CWA bitches feel. Get over yourselves, you dumbass cunts! Your bitching about the toilet seat is emblematic of your stupidity: quit blaming men because you fall in the bowl and start paying attention to where you sit. Dumbasses.

Sorry: rant again. (This time, I have the right! I'm a single father of 3 who's endured countless silly cows who like my company (in hindsight, probably because I have money), but won't deal with kids, and won't even have the BALLS to admit they won't.)

No sympathy...none whatsoever...for either side. If your womb is dead, it's because ytou killed it; if your "career" never existed, it's because you never even tried, you cunt.

|4.5.07 @ 3:02PM|#

Best band name EVAR (and no, you can't steal it):

Free Beer

FREE BEER! Thursday at Sweeney's Bar & Grill, 9 PM 'til Close

thoreau|4.5.07 @ 3:02PM|#

OK, Passim, fess up: Crouse hired you to make her point look reasonable by comparison, didn't she?

Jennifer|4.5.07 @ 3:02PM|#

countless silly cows who like my company (in hindsight, probably because I have money),

That's the only explanation that makes sense.

|4.5.07 @ 3:03PM|#

Passim's quite the charmer. Ladies, he's what you call a "keeper."

VM|4.5.07 @ 3:04PM|#

"nd won't even have the BALLS to admit they won't"

um.

Hr Passim. Um. Maybe you should switch singles bars. Even though all the gentlemen there are well groomed, smell pleasant, and look buff. And even though all the ladies wear lots of make up, are tall, and have really great legs. Somehow, throat scarves are big there.

Or avoid places, if you're looking for female company, with the name "Manhole".

This has been a ~~Pubic~~ Public Service Announcement by the Viking News Netverk.

|4.5.07 @ 3:05PM|#

But they don't take American Express.

MikeT|4.5.07 @ 3:06PM|#

I strongly discourage my non-religious male friends from marrying. It's pointless and dangerous for them to do so. Just find a woman, have the kids you want and play it safe by not tying your finances to her, since if she grows bored with you and your relationship, she can get a penalty free right to take half of everything you own.

Now cue the smarmy, liberal comments bashing me for telling men to put their finances and material possessions before "love" and the outraged women who can't imagine why a religious guy would tell his non-religious guy friends that they are insane for adhering to what is fundamentally a **religious** institution.

|4.5.07 @ 3:09PM|#

That's the only explanation that makes sense.

Pwned.

|4.5.07 @ 3:16PM|#

Why didn't she mention that a DC gal's slide into degradation includes receiving toaster ovens in exchange for anul sex?

thoreau|4.5.07 @ 3:18PM|#

NoStar-

Wasn't that in the "Washingtonienne" novel? My wife read it and talked about it, but I don't recall the details. Just that there were skittles and drugs involved.

|4.5.07 @ 3:26PM|#

There was a thread some time back at Pandagon about the toilet-seat-up-vs-down issue. For most of the commentators (many male), the issue seemed to be more a case of "close the toilet lid so you don't have the family cat falling into it and waking everyone up at 2 AM by yowling its head off and trying to jump into bed with you."

There was one case mentioned where the howls had been enough to convince the next-door neighbors to call the police. Who showed up and proceded to fall on the floor laughing.

|4.5.07 @ 3:27PM|#

Thoreau,
That is what I was referencing.
She got her buns toasted once and now she can have toasted buns whenever she wants.

Slightly off topic: I sure miss the original Wonkette.

(vm)|4.5.07 @ 3:30PM|#

*slowly backs away from thread, but pauses long enough to put down tray of freshly-baked cupcakes...

Passim|4.5.07 @ 3:31PM|#

OK, I apologise to all sincerely.

I've just had a hard time lately with women. They seem to come in 3 varieties:

(1) they "love me" (evident to everyone they just love my bank balance)
(2) they love the fact that I want them to have their own lives, but they despise any sort of maternal instinct.
(3) they pretend to love my kids, want a thousand more, don't mind my being the sole breadwinner, and (I swear) they plot to treat the rugrats like Ishmael.

Just me, I've learned never to trust the so-called "maternal instinct." And honestly, whenever I go out with a woman, I'm not just looking for companionship, I'm looking for someone who could be a good mother. An astonishingly huge number of women have a problem with that.

Passim|4.5.07 @ 3:32PM|#

VM,

not funny

VM|4.5.07 @ 3:38PM|#

Passim

... why should your appraisal of my humor be any different from anybody else's...

hrumph.

/kicks pebble

Passim|4.5.07 @ 3:40PM|#

OK...I'm going to go off and rant in front of the mirror for a while.

Kid just got dumped by a stupid girl. So we're hating them for now. Dumb girls.

VM|4.5.07 @ 3:41PM|#

*passes Passim the korn syrup bottle

Jennifer|4.5.07 @ 3:41PM|#

And honestly, whenever I go out with a woman, I'm not just looking for companionship, I'm looking for someone who could be a good mother. An astonishingly huge number of women have a problem with that.

How does the shoe fit on the other foot? "Honestly, whenever I go out with a man, I'm not just looking for companionship, I'm looking for someone who could be a good provider. An astonishingly huge number of men have a problem with that."

I. Self. Divine.|4.5.07 @ 3:45PM|#

How does the shoe fit on the other foot? "Honestly, whenever I go out with a man, I'm not just looking for companionship, I'm looking for someone who could be a good provider. An astonishingly huge number of men have a problem with that."

I thought that was both common and acceptable?

I. Self. Divine.|4.5.07 @ 3:46PM|#

Rather, that single mothers look for a man who can be a father to their children.

Passim|4.5.07 @ 3:49PM|#

NO WAY Jennifer! You are NOT getting away with that.

The statements are not equivalent. I said "mother", as in parent---or don't you know what that means?

The equivalent statement would be "father."

You may well have a valid point, but don't you fucking dare try to equate provider with father or husband. They are infinitely remote concepts.

Hellbound Alleee|4.5.07 @ 3:49PM|#

This is another typical morality threat from a typical source, although we've been seeing it in newsweek and Forbes. It pops up now and again. Smart women beware, etc etc.

It's crap, and people will ALWAYS do what they want. Sorry, tale-tellers. No matter how much you wish otherwise, people will be individuals. Sucks for the article writers, I suppose.

These articles belong in the trash with the diet miracles and tracts.

Jennifer|4.5.07 @ 3:51PM|#

You may well have a valid point, but don't you fucking dare try to equate provider with father or husband. They are infinitely remote concepts.

Not in your case. You're basically looking for a woman to provide a service--raising your children for you--just as in my hypothetical I too am looking for a man to provide a service.

Maybe you'd be better off focusing on companionship and using your big bankroll to hire a good nanny.

Passim|4.5.07 @ 3:56PM|#

Got one.

No, I'm just looking for a woman who won't run away scared shitless because a little boy got sick while she was making out with his dad.

And no, I'm NOT looking for a woman to provide a service--unless you consider love, affection, and companionship services. If you were capable of reading, you might realize that. Then again, considering your profession, love and companionship probably are services.

I. Self. Divine.|4.5.07 @ 3:57PM|#

Jennifer: While I found Passim's rant earlier to be pretty disgusting, from all the posts I've read of his, he sound slike a damn good father, and I don't think he's looking for someone to raise his kids for him, rather for a partner to raise his kids WITH him, without wanting to ship them off to boarding school or something of the like. Makes sense to me.

dhex|4.5.07 @ 3:57PM|#

"I strongly discourage my non-religious male friends from marrying. "

i strongly encourage people to follow their will and contact their holy guardian angle.

and yes i meant angle.

being married is fun.

Dammit Passim, you beta me to your defense.

I. Self. Divine.|4.5.07 @ 3:59PM|#

beat - beta, it's all the same, right?

Wikinger Elch|4.5.07 @ 4:02PM|#

zu spät - Lass Dir raten: alle von ihr stammenden Bemerkungen überhören und unbeachtet liegen lassen ...

|4.5.07 @ 4:02PM|#

So very glad I stayed away from this thread

Passim|4.5.07 @ 4:04PM|#

I.S.D.

Thank you.

And Jennifer, it may be a bit late, but I apologize for being a dick.

In my defense, I just get tired of women who positively swoon over my being a single dad, but who won't even bat an eye to help one of my kids.

Still, what I just wrote was ungentlemanly, and therefore unforgiveable.

biologist|4.5.07 @ 4:04PM|#

VM, I hear the Ramrod is also a good place to meet people

|4.5.07 @ 4:05PM|#

Too late - let you guess/advise: all of their coming remarks over-hear to let lie and unconsidered.

And to think I used to worry about learning languages. With the Google translator, this makes perfect sense!

weiters|4.5.07 @ 4:07PM|#

die Geschichtln von der Hockn in der sogn. GV Branche saan foisch.

thoreau|4.5.07 @ 4:09PM|#

OK, Passim, I guess I can see your point: You have kids, you love them, and you're frustrated that the women you're meeting regard your kids as a deal breaker. I can see how that must royally suck.

Just try not to phrase it in the form of a rant and you'll get more sympathy.

Also, regarding the Crouse article:

I have always wondered how somebody could see a woman in public with a man who isn't her husband or relative and immediately think there's something unsavory going on. I used to assume that this was a cultural thing, that I simply lack the background to understand. But Crouse is (I assume) a product of American culture, yet she looks at a woman on the subway with her boyfriend and immediately conjures up this tale of debauchery and woe, with an inevitable tragic ending that will leave the woman scarred for life.

WTF?

Jennifer|4.5.07 @ 4:09PM|#

considering your profession, love and companionship probably are services.

Alternative journalist?

VM|4.5.07 @ 4:11PM|#

Nah - Passim it was fine. It just means you get to hear some made up stories about a "sex industry worker".

|4.5.07 @ 4:11PM|#

Okay, that one broke the translator. Is it Dutch?

VM|4.5.07 @ 4:15PM|#

...dialect...

Passim|4.5.07 @ 4:15PM|#

yeah, thoreau, I've been on a real roll this week: I got dumped, one kid got dumped, another kid got dumped, and the other one is "suspicious."

We're all on a big "I hate girls" kick lately. I should know better, but instead, I make an ass of myself.

|4.5.07 @ 4:22PM|#

Passim,

Send me an email with your email address in it, and I'll send you my sure-fire feeling-like-crap-after-getting-dumped-alleviation secret.

I don't want to write it here. It's proprietary. And vulgar. And despicable.

But it works.

I. Self. Divine.|4.5.07 @ 4:22PM|#

Passim: I've been on a kick like that lately too. And by lately I do mean the last year or so. Why do women hate me?

|4.5.07 @ 4:23PM|#

Joe,

I'm intrigued! Do tell...

Passim,

Sorry to hear that. It sucks for sure, I know.

|4.5.07 @ 4:24PM|#

Explain me this: why is it that everybody questions whether a woman can have both a career and a family, but nobody questions whether a man can? Having a family is considered an asset to a man's career, but a liability to a woman's. Forgive me, but I just don't get it. Maybe it's because I grew up with parents who each had fulfilling careers. Somehow, I emerged unscathed and with mostly pleasant memories of childhood. Imagine that.

VM|4.5.07 @ 4:26PM|#

bummer, man.

Hang tough!

(some mid career Henry Rollins spoken words (say, Rollins in the Wry era, but not later) also help detach the mind)

cheers,
VM

|4.5.07 @ 4:27PM|#

But Crouse is (I assume) a product of American culture, yet she looks at a woman on the subway with her boyfriend and immediately conjures up this tale of debauchery and woe, with an inevitable tragic ending that will leave the woman scarred for life.

Of course she does. Since the CWA's universal standard for happiness is essentially June Cleaver, that means this harlot should have been home cooling a pie on the windowsill while making her husband's dinner, and waiting for their three children to get home from school. All other paths lead to misery.

thoreau|4.5.07 @ 4:28PM|#

I will offer only this advice on getting dumped:

Anger is better than sorrow. Which is not to say that you should act on that anger, but anger gets adrenaline flowing, and gives you a surge of energy. You can work your way through that energy via exercise or work or intense recreation or something. It's (usually) fast, and when it's gone you feel cleansed. Sorrow, however, tends to get a person stuck in a rut, and so it can last a while. It's no good, there's no way to channel it, all you can do is lie around and feel miserable.

Just be careful: Either emotion is dangerous when mixed with alcohol.

|4.5.07 @ 4:31PM|#

Thoreau,

That's good advice. Also, starting projects works. Taking music lessons or joining a book club is good.

I'm getting married. My trick is to use what I call, Zen Dating™. The first step is to establish a full psychological examination of the prospective date. Then submit her to invasive medical procedures. Finally, do not engage in mating rituals until you are clear that she is worthy.

If that doesn't work, buy a girl from Eastern Europe.

|4.5.07 @ 4:32PM|#

Sounds good, but I don't think you get to pick whether you'll be angry or depressed.

Passim|4.5.07 @ 4:33PM|#

joe,

thanks, and I may take you up on that one day, but for now...

the great thing about being a single father of three boys (one of whom may or may not be gay...we're all suspicious now...watching him carefully) is that we can sit around in our underwear, watch Spike TV, play around on the internet, eat burgers, and complain about "dumb girls" for hours without any interference...and leave the toilet seat up

yeah, I'd like a girlfriend, but these are great times...one day, we may even wash our socks!

|4.5.07 @ 4:34PM|#

Janice Shaw Crouse should move to Saudi Arabia, where it's illegal for a woman to go any where with out a man who's her husband or biological relative. Truly women would be much happier if laws like this were in place.

Passim,
While joe makes you wait for him to tell you his getting dumped blues remedy, here is my own:

Gather the dumpees for a family movie night and watch the Adam Sandler flick, The Wedding Singer. Rewind and sing along during the Love Stinks scene a couple of times.

Laughter kills lonesome, everytime.

dhex|4.5.07 @ 4:37PM|#

"I have always wondered how somebody could see a woman in public with a man who isn't her husband or relative and immediately think there's something unsavory going on."

because their secret inner world is covered in so much lube that it might as well be a slip-n-slide?

i mean, we make jokes like this then you get the 14,000th edition of paster meth mcfunboy and it's like what the fuck conservative peoples? just fly your freak flag.

|4.5.07 @ 4:39PM|#

kohlrabi,

I don't want to say in mixed company.

|4.5.07 @ 4:41PM|#

Okay, ladies, clear the room. joe's got some man talkin' to do.

Get us all a beer while you're out there, by the way.

VM|4.5.07 @ 4:42PM|#

oh my gawd!!!!! someone captured Pro Liberate and substituted Ron Hardin for him!!!!

ohnoes!!!!!!!!!

dhex|4.5.07 @ 4:43PM|#

"I don't want to say in mixed company."

it involves state coercion?

Jennifer|4.5.07 @ 4:46PM|#

I can take it, Joe. Don't hold off on my account.

Is it dirty? I hope it's dirty.

|4.5.07 @ 4:47PM|#

Don't know about you, VM, but I got my wifebeater on.

|4.5.07 @ 4:48PM|#

I'm so dead if my fiancée reads this, aren't I?

|4.5.07 @ 4:49PM|#

Now that he's piqued everyone's curiosity, it had better be dirty. Shockingly dirty.

|4.5.07 @ 4:50PM|#

I don't want to say in mixed company.

You mean there's Repocrats and Demublicans in here with us Libertoonies???

VM|4.5.07 @ 4:51PM|#

"Don't know about you, VM, but I got my wifebeater on."

nah - spidey underroos. I got the little booties enlarged a bit so I can wear flippers too, so I'm a hybrid of Aquaman and Spiderman. I call myself "Fierce Waterbug"!!!!

so lookout badguys who hide under the bed! look out!

|4.5.07 @ 4:53PM|#

My sources say that it involves Salma Hayek and a crack squad of Romanian women.

VM|4.5.07 @ 4:57PM|#

"Pro Libertate | April 5, 2007, 4:48pm | #
I'm so dead if my fiancée reads this, aren't I?"

This moose assumed that she already does check out this board. And a big congrats out to you!

come to think of it, didn't #6 get hitched recently? Congrats!

(I suspect that, cuz Mrs. Moose reads this - not gonna say if she posts)

Jennifer|4.5.07 @ 4:59PM|#

Say whatever you want. I'm not here.

|4.5.07 @ 5:00PM|#

My sources say that it involves Salma Hayek and a crack squad of Romanian women.

Current Salma Hayek or Desperado Salma Hayek?

|4.5.07 @ 5:02PM|#

Psst. Get closer, guys. It starts with the libertarian trifecta of Jennifer, smacky, and Linguist.

Sssshhh. I hear someone coming.

|4.5.07 @ 5:03PM|#

Oh, any Salma will do, though the Desperado version is canon.

Janice Shaw Crouse\'s Husband|4.5.07 @ 5:07PM|#

Will somebody please tell that dingy broad to get back in the kitchen and make me a sammich!

Joe Hill|4.5.07 @ 5:09PM|#

thoreau's a plagarist

definitely not joe|4.5.07 @ 5:13PM|#

eliminate the first and you got a deal...

VM|4.5.07 @ 5:15PM|#

"Sssshhh. I hear someone coming."

d'oh. that was me.

sorry.

|4.5.07 @ 5:22PM|#

immediately conjures up this tale of debauchery and woe, with an inevitable tragic ending that will leave the woman scarred for life.

C'mon, thoreau, you know projection when you see it.

joe bot|4.5.07 @ 5:23PM|#

Buy My Surefire Method of Collecting Email Addresses!

|4.5.07 @ 5:26PM|#

. . .and then you do it all over again, only this time, without the corn syrup!

|4.5.07 @ 5:34PM|#

My only advice involves two bus stop skanks and a pay toilet.

|4.5.07 @ 5:38PM|#

... and that was the second time I got crabs.

|4.5.07 @ 5:50PM|#

Then we all go vote Republican. Naked. Yeah, it's kinky, but you only live once. I was attending an orgy in Florida in 2000, and I think we may have made the difference in the election. Hence my anger.

|4.5.07 @ 5:59PM|#

Warren's heartache recipe:

Pack of cigarettes
Fifth of Jim Beam
At least six hours of Koko Taylor and Muddy
Waters

Pour in whiskey. Simmer over blues music. Add cigarettes one at a time. Howl at moon whenever mixture comes to a boil. Public urination optional.

|4.5.07 @ 6:04PM|#

Is joe gonna reveal or not?

If he doesn't: Passim, it's been a while since I had to deal with crazy girl trouble and give myself the full treatment, but music is the key. You need to listen to music. This will get you through.

First, you need to wallow in self-pity. Listen to the following songs:

- "Why Can't I Have You?" by The Cars.

- "Man in the Wilderness" by Styx.

- "Here Come the Tears" by Judas Priest.

- "Wasted" by Def Leppard.

Now that you're nearly suicidal, you need to get bitter and ANGRY:

- "Lay It on the Line" by Triumph. (Never has a more perfected song been crafted for what you are feeling at this time.)

- "True Love and True Confessions" by The Babys.

- "Evil Woman" by Electric Light Orchestra.

- "Victim of Changes" by Judas Priest.

Finally, you need to put it all behind you and get inspired to overcome everything and get back out there and grab onto life again:

- "The Wall" by Kansas.

- "Last Chance" by Shooting Star.

Of course, like I said, it has been a while since I've had to go through the whole detox treatment, and some of these songs might seem a little out of date. But they worked for me.

Also, I recommend that you take the boys along and spend a lot of time at Hooters.

|4.5.07 @ 6:08PM|#

"Lay It on the Line" by Triumph.

Abso-respect my author-i-tie-lutely.

There's also "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida". . .if you and your ex-girlfriend used to make out to that hymn, anyway.

Sing Along with Uncle Moose|4.5.07 @ 6:09PM|#

Down? Upset? Frustrated with the world? Just pull up a chair with Uncle Moosie and join him in singing about "my favorite things"

cock rings and bullwhips
and bright, shiny dildos
crawling around on my knees and my elbows
tying me up with packing string
these are a few of my favorite things!

handcuffs and strap ons
exotic positions
moo'ing and braying and bizarre submissions
corn syrup sticking my sequined g-string
these are a few of my favorite things!

*now you try a verse!

|4.5.07 @ 6:09PM|#

Crouse didn't say anything that I hadn't already learned from This book on the lives of young unmarried hussies in DC.

|4.5.07 @ 6:17PM|#

Mr. Moose,

The Israeli foreign ministry may have a job for you.

Paul|4.5.07 @ 6:25PM|#

Never mind the, you know, data, which shows that high-earning women are as or more likely to marry than their low-income counterparts

And amazingly they still manage to marry "up".

|4.5.07 @ 7:12PM|#

...senior fellow at the Concerned Women for America...

Well, what do you expect from and organization founded by the wife of the one of the co-authors of the "Left Behind" series of fundy porn?

But these professional women are never going to have the big romance that girls dream about.

No lady, these women won't be living the big "romance" that YOU dream about: Tied for life to the same abusive pile of bible beating trash, popping out babies for JEEZ-us.

That's the fantasy life that adolescent girls masturbate to each night, right Janice?

They have half the money and all the cat and THEY are unhappy? WTF?

Sing Along with Uncle Moose, umm, tell my wifey she needs to head home now ok? We be gettin hungered here.

LarryA|4.5.07 @ 7:14PM|#

The mission of CWA is to protect and promote Biblical values among all citizens - first through prayer, then education, and finally by influencing our society - thereby reversing the decline in moral values in our nation.

There are two books in the Bible about women, Ruth and Esther.

Ruth is widowed. To avoid returning to her family in Moab she moves to Israel with her mother-in-law, Naomi. There they decide that Boaz, a nice guy and wealthy, will make a good husband. Since it's harvest time Naomi sends Ruth to sneak into where the men are threshing and tells her to sleep under Boaz's blanket. Ruth convinces Boaz she will make a wise wife since she wants him instead of a young man. Boaz sends Ruth secretly away so no one will know they spent the night together, then contacts his relative who has a better claim to buy Naomi's land and marry Ruth. Boaz convinces the relative the option on Naomi's property is a bad idea because he'll have to marry a foreigner woman. When the relative passes on the deal Boaz buys Naomi's property and marries Ruth. They live happily ever after.

The Emperor of Persia ditches his first wife for dissing him. Under a secret identity Esther enters the resulting beauty contest and makes it to the final round, where she sleeps with the emperor and ends up winning. First prize is being queen of Persia. As queen she defies her husband's law, is forgiven, and parlays her political position to turn the tables on Haman, the enemy of her people. Revealing her heritage she has Haman and all his sons executed, and thereby saves her kin, the Israelites living in Persia. They live happily ever after.

Promote those Biblical values!

|4.5.07 @ 7:32PM|#

Promote those Biblical values!

You mean like this?

Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

1 Corinthians 14:34-35

Maybe Janice and Beverly should take their own religion's advice and shut the fuck up.

Also, Beverly might want to ask her Apocalypse-fixated hubby about this little tidbit from Revelations:

And I looked, and, lo, a Lamb stood on the mount Sion, and with him an hundred forty and four thousand, having his Father's name written in their foreheads.nd I heard a voice from heaven, as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of a great thunder: and I heard the voice of harpers harping with their harps: And they sung as it were a new song before the throne, and before the four beasts, and the elders: and no man could learn that song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth.These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. These are they which follow the Lamb whithersoever he goeth. These were redeemed from among men, being the firstfruits unto God and to the Lamb.

So, only 144,000 celibate men are going to be saved?

|4.5.07 @ 7:33PM|#

Whoops, that was Revelations, 14:1-4. Let is not be said that an atheist doesn't know his Bible.

|4.5.07 @ 7:58PM|#

Ah, what the hell, you all probably couldn't think any less of me.

There's some good advice up above. Wise, mature advice, but it's all about heart ache, about getting better, moving on and healing. I'm not talking about healing. I'm not talking about making your heart whole. I'm talking about making yourself feel better for a moment after some really evil woman screwed you over good. I'm talking about bucking yourself up so you aren't wailing puddle of pathos. Then you can drink the whiskey and play the music - when you feel like you're up to it, and you've got the right to.

Remember when I told another poster to eat the something out of his something mother's something? This is worse, so, if you have any decency at all, or if you're Jennifer or smacky, for God's sake, stop reading!

OK, here goes. You think of the really terrible things she did, or is doing, to hurt you. For example, "She spent eight months playing with my head so I'd love her, and she was cheating with my roommates for the last seven." Or maybe, "She hooked up with a guy who's four inches taller and lot richer than me three days after we broke up, and she's telling stories about faking her orgasms when we were together."

Then you say to yourself the magic words:

"Yeah, but she took my dick her in mouth."

BAM! Immediate relief. She's got nothing on you, bro.

Who cares what she's saying now? She took your dick in her mouth! Oh, poor baby, she decided you weren't good enough for her, and dumped you at the prom -at the beginning of the prom, then sat with your mutual friends? You know what? She took your dick in her mouth! She rolls her eyes and whispers something funny to whomever she's with whenever you pass on the street, then smirks at you? That's pretty harsh, but...Slob slob slob slob slob. That's right. You know it, and she knows it, too.

It's really hard to feel like someone's gotten over on you when you put it like that.

|4.5.07 @ 8:00PM|#

Like I said, proprietary, vulgar, and despicable.

But it works.

|4.5.07 @ 8:09PM|#

A M E N !

(omg)

thank God that bill clinton officially made bj's not sexual relations

|4.5.07 @ 8:11PM|#

Then you say to yourself the magic words

"Yeah, but she took my dick her in mouth."

But therein lies the problem, joe. Some of us are only going to just that. Your dick, her mouth, all in the past tense. I can't say I look forward to a life of virtual celibacy, but since no woman will fuck me, much less talk with me, the one and only you'll ever had who got away starts looking better and better.

|4.5.07 @ 8:28PM|#

There's no way that comment is still up there tomorrow morning.

It's been a fun few years, folks, but now I'm going to be banned.

|4.5.07 @ 8:33PM|#

Why? Since when have the Reason mods been prudes?

|4.5.07 @ 8:36PM|#

Akira, I agree. Learning that she put joe's dick in her mouth gives me no comfort at all.

|4.5.07 @ 8:38PM|#

joe,
I would have thought you'd drive by her house and file a report on all the zone violations you can conjure up.

|4.5.07 @ 8:39PM|#

Now I don't hold with this, but there's an old adage about every girl being a "ten" when she's, um, well, joeing.

Jennifer|4.5.07 @ 8:39PM|#

Tsk tsk tsk, Joe. The only thing bothering me about your suggestion is its subtle implication that the woman can't say something similar (and potentially much sloppier) about you.

I am shocked and appalled.

|4.5.07 @ 8:45PM|#

Joe, you mean *that's* the naughty tale we've been waiting for??? I thought you liberals were more creative than that. You'd barely get banned on the CWA site for that one.

|4.5.07 @ 9:00PM|#

It's been a long time since i had a joe-blob.
been a long time, been a long time
it's been a long and lonely, lonely, lonely time...

|4.5.07 @ 9:01PM|#

Damn, joe. For all the hype, I was hoping for something involving a coke-fueled three-way with her mother and a midget or at the very least a "How to get a ten dollar blowjob in NYC" story.

You should also be disappointed in yourself for not returning the oral favors.

|4.5.07 @ 9:04PM|#

David, good point.
Perhaps it would be better if joe remembered that "she used to make me look like a glazed doughnut."

Philip Dormer Stanhope Chester|4.5.07 @ 9:10PM|#

The pleasure is momentary, the position rediculous, and the expense damnable.

Oh, and it's Revelation, no "s".

* Sigh *

For a magazine called Reason...

|4.5.07 @ 9:10PM|#

I always found that screwing your ex's best friend helps a lot after being dumped.

Still skateboarding on the N T|4.5.07 @ 9:16PM|#

BAM! Immediate relief.

You have to say this at the Brooklyn Academy of Music? Okay, joe, but I sure hope this works...

Jim Bob|4.5.07 @ 9:16PM|#

Posting in an epic thread.

Grotius|4.5.07 @ 9:29PM|#

There's an alternative and it works whether you a gay, straight, bi, male, female, etc.: accept that the relationship didn't work out and get on with your life.

Grotius|4.5.07 @ 9:31PM|#

Thirty-six dicks!?!

Grotius|4.5.07 @ 9:34PM|#

joe,

So, what music do you play to these thoughts? Something like "Lips Like Sugar" by Echo and the Bunnymen?

thoreau|4.5.07 @ 9:45PM|#

joe, that was a letdown. Not that it isn't awesome, but you built it up to be the most heinous, depraved, sexist, awful revenge tactic ever. I was half expecting you to shout "The Aristocrats!"

Were it not for the delivery I'd give it a score of 11 on a scale of 1 to 10.

|4.5.07 @ 10:15PM|#

joe and passim,

Now, my husband and I are among the 0.00001% of the population who actually have never been dumped. We found each other in college and never looked back. That having been said, since we've been The Couple forever, we're the ones our friends hung out with during their breakups, so we've heard every way of dealing with being dumped on Earth. This is the best method of dealing with it I can remember, at least the best that I'm willing to endorse in public because of liability issues:

1. Photoshop her face onto every monster still you can download. Share with all your friends via email.

2. Put her name on the mailing list of the most obnoxious religious organization you can find. If she's very religious, then go to American Atheists.

3. Make a donation to a political party or advocacy group she hates, in her name. Be sure to include address and phone number. This is particularly good because political parties or charities to which someone has made donations are exempt from the "do not call" prohibitions and she'll get dozens of telemarketing calls.

Now, the actual bestest ever breakup prank I will not relate because it's probably fraudulent and in this day and age much more likely to result in prosecution than it was in the early 90's when my best friend used it. So, you'll all go on guessing what it was, like what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.

thoreau|4.5.07 @ 10:20PM|#

So, you'll all go on guessing what it was, like what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.

A date with Crouse?

M|4.5.07 @ 10:20PM|#

Of course, while all this is going on, it's the other party who's claiming to have been dumped...

This has all gotten way too se|4.5.07 @ 10:39PM|#

http://tinyurl.com/23nuuc

|4.5.07 @ 10:43PM|#

Hey, now, Jennifer and David, you're getting the wrong idea.

Fair is fair, after all.

|4.5.07 @ 11:29PM|#

No, Dr. T, I've just wanted to reference the P.F. McGuffin for a long time now, and this is the best chance I'll get.

|4.6.07 @ 1:37AM|#

And remember Hit & Run posters, nice girls don't wear the cha-cha heals.

|4.6.07 @ 4:56AM|#

When I was a college boy*, I met a beautiful girl. She also happened to be funny, kind and whip-smart. She didn't give a fig about my lack of kine, and was sure I'd make something of myself someday. She didn't even freak out over my being a screwy libertoonian. She didn't sit around waiting for me to make things happen, either. She made it into law school and is now a successful attorney. Somehow that hasn't stopped her from being a wife and the mother of three beautiful children.

Damned shame she cut me loose well before she got the husband and kids.

Kevin

*Technically, I was "between semesters."

dhex|4.6.07 @ 11:16AM|#

man i'm kinda let down joe, i was expecting some kinda insane half catholic sex magick curse or something.

or something more obvious like "fuck her best friend." that ALWAYS helps.

|4.6.07 @ 12:33PM|#

But Crouse is (I assume) a product of American culture, yet she looks at a woman on the subway with her boyfriend and immediately conjures up this tale of debauchery and woe, with an inevitable tragic ending that will leave the woman scarred for life.

WTF?

Crouse can stuff it. Why even bother acknowledging such a miserable person's existence. (Also, as an aside: I like how people in DC talk about their interpersonal and social statuses as if they are somehow special or different in DC than in any other place.)

the great thing about being a single father of three boys (one of whom may or may not be gay...we're all suspicious now...watching him carefully) is that we can sit around in our underwear, watch Spike TV, play around on the internet, eat burgers, and complain about "dumb girls" for hours without any interference...

Passim,

You've complained you've been having trouble finding a woman who will care for your children about as many times as you mentioned in passing the fact that you and your boys are hating on women for fun these days. I would advise you to watch what you say to your sons about women. While at first it might seem like a bonding routine, you might be unintentionally instilling some very negative attitudes towards women in your sons. If your "let's hate on girls" routine is as frequent as you make it out to be, perhaps some of the women you are bringing home are picking up on that. I, for one, wouldn't want to care for three boys who think of me as a "dumb girl" or treat me like one.

Likewise, if a single mother were to say the same thing about men here, even jokingly, she would be castigated as a man-hating feminazi bitch and bitter c**t. Why the double-standard, H&R commenters?

Just something to think about.

awoman|4.6.07 @ 12:47PM|#

Three cheers for Smacky! Those boys are watching you, Passim--there is nothing so unattractive as a man who blames all women for his failed dating life as if all women, deep down, are the same.

Passim, I don't know anything about you or your kids, but is it possible that you are dating good women but that your kids are brats? I love kids, but if I was dating a man who had 3 out-of-control kids, I would probably break up with him--even though I love kids. Being a step-parent is difficult enough even with well-behaved children.

Last place to watch a...|4.6.07 @ 5:08PM|#

...cock fight!

|4.6.07 @ 5:32PM|#

smacky, why'd you have to get all smart on us?

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