The Onion on Medical Marijuana

Nick Gillespie | June 21, 2005

Can't these cancer patients paint, play sports, or listen to music instead of doing drugs? That's what they taught us in health class.

That's one of the responses in The Onion's fake survey of reactions to the Supreme Court's ruling on medical marijuana.

Whole thing here.

Comments

|6.21.05 @ 11:42AM|#

Utterly brilliant.

|6.21.05 @ 11:52AM|#

My favorite:
"The Court made the right decision. Once you legalize the medical use of marijuana, it's only a matter of time before you start seeing medical use of harder narcotics, like morphine."

|6.21.05 @ 11:52AM|#

Other classic Onion stuff (subscription req'd):

My Anti-Drug is Alcohol (Op-Ed)
Teen Drug Use Traced to Ineffective PSAs
Winners Occasionally Use Drugs
Huge Quantities of Primo Shit Incinerated by Feds

And my personal favorite:

Marijuana Linked to Sitting Around and Getting High

|6.21.05 @ 11:57AM|#

Hillarious, but wrong sidebar from June 8:
Plan To Trap Boyfriend Aborted

|6.21.05 @ 12:26PM|#

From back in the day, I enjoyed:

*AIDS: Are America's Celebrities Aware Enough?
*When I have Children I'm not Going to Drown Them (op-ed)

|6.21.05 @ 12:26PM|#

I think I'm repeating myself, but best Onion headline ever:

Drugs win drug war

You can get it on a t-shirt, and I plan to, as soon as I have extra money - mine's currently tied up in a "z" of primo shit

|6.21.05 @ 12:29PM|#

My all-time favorite was "I Think I'll Drive The Kids Up To The State Park To See This 'Glory Hole'". The Onion is like the Daily Show of online humor. I look forward to reading it every Wednesday!

|6.21.05 @ 12:45PM|#

the point counterpoint of all time:

Youth is wasted on the young v. Prescription drugs are wasted on the elderly

|6.21.05 @ 1:10PM|#

dhex,

I liked "Nigeria has Such a Fascinating Mix of Cultures" vs. "Get Me Out of This Hell Hole"

and "I Think My Computer Hates Me" vs. "God I Hate That Bitch"

and, of course, "You Da Man" vs "No, YOU Da Man"

|6.21.05 @ 1:11PM|#

Us blessed folks in Denver get the print version of The Onion. (self-satisfied grin)

|6.21.05 @ 1:13PM|#

"European Men Are So Romantic" v. "American College Girls Are Such Sluts"

|6.21.05 @ 1:41PM|#

B.P.:

Ha! We Wisconsinites have been getting The Onion on dead tree ever since there has been one. Madisonians scoff at Milwaukeeans as latecomers to the party. There's a sandwich shop around the corner from my apartment that advertised in it, and still may. Once a week, bundles of thousands of copies would be stacked up next to it, to be dropped off at neighborhood stores, bars, restaurants, etc. all over the city. I figure they got their ad for free, in return for being a distribution point.

Kevin

|6.21.05 @ 2:01PM|#

Boulder, CO started getting the print edition in '93 or '94, cranking it out from their own office. I believe it started in Madison and then moved to NYC. And everyone needs to check out the Onion book "Our Dumb Century" which was put out probably 6 or 8 years ago. Funny stuff.

|6.21.05 @ 2:07PM|#

Kevrob:

Thanks for the nostalgia trip. I got turned on to The Onion when I lived in Madison from '90 to '92. Been laughing my ass off ever since.

|6.21.05 @ 2:07PM|#

My favorite man on the street answer was in regard to the death of JFK junior:

"I'm going to miss that casket-saluting Bar-flunker."

Peter K.|6.21.05 @ 2:11PM|#

A recent favorite:

Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: "We'll Go Through Iran."

|6.21.05 @ 2:13PM|#

B.P.
The's now a three book box set of their articles. ODC is fantastic though.

I miss the old Weekly Week out of Boston. It was hit and miss from times, but a lot of times it surpassed the Onion. joe, did you ever happen to catch the WW?

|6.21.05 @ 2:21PM|#

My favorite was "God Angrily Clarifies "Don't Kill" Rule."
It was orgininally posted shortly after 9/11 on the Onion but has since been removed.

Here's a working link...
http://web.archive.org/web/200109-200110re_/http://theonion.com

"It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'"

Another great one from the same day is "Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
'We Expected Eternal Paradise For This,' Say Suicide Bombers"

|6.21.05 @ 2:22PM|#

Never heard of it.

Did you ever see the old "Not The Boston Globe?"

A story about a nuclear weapon being detonated in New York City headlined as "Boston Man Killed in Blast."

|6.21.05 @ 2:22PM|#

I'm loving "Dude, the small-government-advocating, states-rights-supporting conservatives must've been totally high when they wrote that decision."

|6.21.05 @ 2:23PM|#

Drew, I liked the Onion's take on cable news coverage of the attacks. They created a logo of the towers burning, set inside a gunsite, above the words, "Holy Fucking Shit."

maestro|6.21.05 @ 2:34PM|#

Eric - that was my favorite, too. The Onion kills me. My fav was Harvey Kornfeld the Accounting gangsta - do they still do that guy on the subscription side?

|6.21.05 @ 2:35PM|#

my fave:

"Clinton Feels Nation's Pain, Breasts"

|6.21.05 @ 2:56PM|#

Dude, the small-government-advocating, states-rights-supporting conservatives must've been totally high when they wrote that decision.

|6.21.05 @ 3:08PM|#

Possibly my favorite Onion headline is:

"Why Can't I Sell Any Of These Fucking Bibles?"

|6.21.05 @ 4:36PM|#

The best Onion headline EVER was in one of their "historical" editions. "Man Walks On Fucking Moon!" The transcript between Houston and Tranquility Base was too funny to describe.

|6.21.05 @ 5:02PM|#

But nothing beats the historical headlines (one after the other):

"Stock Market Invincible"

followed by

"Pencils for Sale"

|6.21.05 @ 5:57PM|#

I liked the old WWII historical headline:

WA- (in HUUUGE letters) and a note that the headline was continued on page two.

|6.21.05 @ 6:44PM|#

Can't these cancer patients paint, play sports, or listen to music instead of doing drugs? That's what they taught us in health class.


Scary thing is, this is only marginally more ludicrous than what Rush Limbrain and his radio clones are saying on the subject...

|6.21.05 @ 8:42PM|#

My favorite articles from "Our Dumb Century":

"No man can stop me!" declares Archduke Franz Ferdinand

"Drugs Win War on Drugs"


Check out the Onion tomorrow. This week is a special edition from 2056. (Premium subscribers get it a day early.)