Fake-Penis Envy

Nick Gillespie | March 31, 2005

Over at Nobody's Business, Rogier van Bakel goes long on the latest scourge of public schools: fake penises used to get around drug tests.

Whole schwing here.

Reason's Jacob Sullum mused on the general uselessness of workplace drug testing in "Urine--or You're Out."

Comments

Warren|3.31.05 @ 2:09PM|#

"Now, I'd think twice about letting my daughters go to school with a fake penis in their backpacks"

I don't see why, given the liberated tone of the rest of the article.

|3.31.05 @ 2:25PM|#

How is giving a synthetic urine sample grounds for a msidemeanor fraud charge? How did it come to the government being able to demand your body fluids from you at all? I think that our country is, in actuality, run by vampires. That is the only logical explanation for forced urine, blood, and other body fluid tests (outside of DNA-murder evidence)...."Urine Drinking Vampires From USA: The Movie"...sounds great for a pilot moviemaking venture...

Nodding off is grounds enough to force students to submit a urine sample.

The same thing happened to me in junior high at my gradeschool (in 7th and 8th grades). Except not only was I accused of being on drugs simply because I was sleepy and not a cheerleader, but my teachers also spread rumors around our close-knit parochial parish so that most of the other children's parents wouldn't let their children associate with me...

..In hindsight, I think it was sleep apnea that was causing my sleepiness, a problem which I still suffer from today as an adult...(last night, as a matter of fact, too...)

|3.31.05 @ 2:29PM|#

This discriminates against women!

|3.31.05 @ 2:30PM|#

Jennifer,

I'm pretty sure the article mentioned that there is an equivalent-but-different prosthetic device for women, too. They have all the bases covered.

|3.31.05 @ 2:54PM|#

Anybody remember that song "Detachable Penis" by King Missile?

|3.31.05 @ 3:01PM|#

How is giving a synthetic urine sample grounds for a misdemeanor fraud charge? - smacky

It may not be if the fellow was just trying to beat an employer-sponsored test, but since he was still "on paper" and the test was administered by agents of the state, he could be in a heap of trouble. At the very least the judge may subject him to serving any sentence that was suspended while he was on probation, even if the drug charges are thrown out for some reason.

I've never been subjected to a drug test by a private employer. Do such tests include any requirement that you attest that you are providing your own micturition, and do they make you sign anything? I suppose if you got someone to rely on a falsehood it is a species of fraud, but IANAL.

Kevin

|3.31.05 @ 3:07PM|#

How did it come to the government being able to demand your body fluids from you at all?

Our precious bodily fluids! ;)

|3.31.05 @ 3:11PM|#

Sometimes, it's a pain in the ass
But I like having a detachable penis.

|3.31.05 @ 3:11PM|#

Jeezus fucking christ! Dr. Strangelove lives!

|3.31.05 @ 3:23PM|#

And BTW, it's still legal in New Jersey to pull one's child from public school, and enroll in private school, is it not?

If so, why don't parents use this "nuclear option" if they feel school administrators are overstepping their bounds?

|3.31.05 @ 3:36PM|#

kmw

It's probably legal, but it's also probably expensive. In addition to privacy rights, most people believe in the right to an education.

|3.31.05 @ 3:50PM|#

Silly, intrusive government demands and fake phalli. Sounds to me like the making of some really entertaining civil disobedience.

|3.31.05 @ 3:50PM|#

Not only that, but who says private schools don't/won't perform drug testing?

|3.31.05 @ 3:56PM|#

free form

Some might. But not all. People would at least be able to choose.

After all, I know people who are quite comfortable with having their little darlings tested. Makes them feel protected, or something.

|3.31.05 @ 3:59PM|#

Not only that, but who says private schools don't/won't perform drug testing?

My case illustrates this point nicely: I was in private school. And,

After all, I know people who are quite comfortable with having their little darlings tested. Makes them feel protected, or something.

My parents were in on the third-degree interrogation treatment I received, unfortunately.

|3.31.05 @ 4:17PM|#

snarky,

Do you think that things would have been different if your parents were on your side and defending you vigorously?

Also, to all out there,
Would it be easier to refuse them (assuming both the parents and the kids are againt the test) in private vs public schools?

|3.31.05 @ 4:23PM|#

Would it be easier to refuse them (assuming both the parents and the kids are againt the test) in private vs public schools?

You would have no grounds to refuse in a private school if it were a clearly defined condition of attendance.

|3.31.05 @ 4:27PM|#

correction

"clearly defined": "clearly stated" would probably express it better.

|3.31.05 @ 4:27PM|#

I would guess refusing the tests in a public school would be easier, as it would difficult to dispute any policy of a private school. A private school could tell you to take your kid and leave.

|3.31.05 @ 4:29PM|#

Do you think that things would have been different if your parents were on your side and defending you vigorously?


ChicanoTim,

Possibly...I would assume (for speculation purposes) that when threatened properly, otherwise self-righteous, nosy, pseudo-religious busybodies might take the hint and STFU. I'm sure it just encouraged them in their witch-hunt to know that my parents supported any outrageous claims they made about me...


Would it be easier to refuse them (assuming both the parents and the kids are againt the test) in private vs public schools?

I'm not sure..I imagine it might be easier to refuse a drug test from a private institution, since many private schools (at least religious ones) either lack the proper funds to withstand a lawsuit, or else would not want to allocate their resources to a scandalous law suit involving a student, whereas I imagine it would be more difficult to refuse a drug test from a public school, since we all know no one in the government or school boards cares how much taxpayer money they waste on frivolous lawsuits....

|3.31.05 @ 4:30PM|#

As an addendum, Issac Bertram and David make a good case about private schools: if it's a stated condition of attendance, it would probably be more ill-consequential to refuse a private-school drug test.

|3.31.05 @ 4:45PM|#

So how hard is it to start your own private school in NJ? It's pretty damn easy here in WA.

|3.31.05 @ 4:47PM|#

(And there's not enough money on the face of the earth that you could pay me to live in Jersey. Or several other states close by.)

|3.31.05 @ 4:51PM|#

Good thing they don`t teach the Constitution in schools. Those "yuts" will never know about the 5th amendment.

|3.31.05 @ 5:08PM|#

Why don't the kids themselves rise up and take matters into their own hands. All it takes is a few kids to claim molestation during an observed pee test to send this nation into a frenzy. I recall a time in Jr. High when a couple of kids claimed the gym teacher watched them way too closely during showers. Poor Mr. Gym Teacher was investigated for a couple of days. Later, the kids were suspended.

Hey, you never know, like how random drug testing reveals an occassional drug user, it could find that the drug administrator is a child molestor that trades child porn on the school computers! The children need to do it for the.....children.

|3.31.05 @ 5:08PM|#

I'm waiting for stickers on social studies texts that read "The Constitution is just a theory, not a fact."

Kevin Carson|3.31.05 @ 5:51PM|#

My favorite part was the charge of "resisting arrest without violence."

|3.31.05 @ 6:27PM|#

anyone know if you have to take a drug test for congressional internships? I might have to get me one of them fake penises...

|3.31.05 @ 6:54PM|#

But really, what paranoid pothead doesn't have fake-penis envy? (Besides the ones who already have fake penises).

|3.31.05 @ 9:05PM|#

"Whole schwing here."

Only reason this thread caught my eye is because my introductory German language textbook said, "Tanzen wir gern schwing." (Or was it "Swing."?

It dates me, as Swing was a dance style popular many moons ago. (The Twist was more the true "me.")

Should "schwing" be changed to "schwantze" or "putz"?

Or should we assume the situation is well in hand, and move on?

|3.31.05 @ 9:11PM|#

Ruthless,

I believe it is the "Wayne's World" vernacular of schwing.

|3.31.05 @ 9:36PM|#

kmw,
Does it have anything to do with the military marching song:
"My boots are shiny
My pants are bright
My schwantze is
Schwingink from
Left to right.
Sound off!"
?

Jennifer, You know nothing, nothing,
nothing.

|3.31.05 @ 9:43PM|#

Ruthless,

I think the "Wayne's World" usage denoted upward movement instead of "left to right."

But it sounds like the marching song predated it by several decades.

Matt|4.1.05 @ 5:42AM|#

I knew something like this had to come eventually. After all, the threat of fake urine through fake genitalia is the reason I was given for being ordered to strip completely naked and subject myself to detailed inspection during the last pre-employment drug test I ever showed up for. (Sorry, but no. I don't use drugs, myself, but there is absolutely no freakin' way that I'm going to strip naked and let two HR droids explore my crotch, just to get a job. I'll work for one of the 50% of American employers that don't test for drugs instead.)

The kids really ought to accuse the inspectors of molesting them. As much as I'm against false charges, it would be terribly fun to watch the whole nanny-state-ForTheChildren establishment start sparking and emitting smoke as it melts down from trying to reconcile its conflicting instincts. :)

|4.1.05 @ 6:27AM|#

Ruthless-
I may know nothing, but at least when *I* take drugs before posting here, the posts still make a modicum of sense.

|4.1.05 @ 10:05AM|#

Jennifer,
I was trying to do a Sgt. Schultz imitation (Hogan's Heroes).
Everyone else probably got it.

clarityiniowa|4.1.05 @ 11:38AM|#

I don't know what all the shoutin's about. I'm perfectly willing to piss in the general direction of a government official or corporate monkey at any time for any reason. Hell, I'd do it even if it weren't requested. When I was short of cash one Christmas, I applied for work at at Staples, and when they asked for a UA, I said "Sure, hold out your hands."

I didn't get the job.

clarityiniowa|4.1.05 @ 11:47AM|#

This thread reminds me of an old Buddy Hackett routine where he went through the many, MANY Yiddish words for the male member. They included, but were not limited to putz, petzle, petzie, schwantze, schlong, schmuck and schmuckalowitz, which apparently would qualify more as a trunk than as a standard male appendage.

|4.1.05 @ 11:48AM|#

"After all, the threat of fake urine through fake genitalia is the reason I was given for being ordered to strip completely naked and subject myself to detailed inspection during the last pre-employment drug test I ever showed up for."

holyfuckingshit.

i hope you told them to shove it up their fake butt.

|4.1.05 @ 3:14PM|#

clarityiniowa--

You should have said "Sure, open your mouth."

But I think your response will do just fine. :)

|4.4.05 @ 8:11AM|#

Ruthless-
I may know nothing, but at least when *I* take drugs before posting here, the posts still make a modicum of sense. (Jennifer)

She doesn't undertstand that his posts only make sense when he does take his drugs. He needs his meds, babe.