Bath Salts

Get the Scoop on the Zombie Drug Responsible for That Feeling of Impending Doom

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Submit Infographics is proud of its new text-and-picture thingie about "The Bath Salt Epidemic," and with good reason: It crams an impressive amount of nonsense into a small space. Speaking of cramming, did you know that the stimulants sold as bath salts "can be consumed" both "rectally" and "vaginally"? It must be true, because look at all the government agencies that say so. Of course, vodka also "can be consumed" rectally or vaginally, although there is not much evidence that it actually is. However often people take their bath salts and shove them, the idea clearly tickled the folks at Submit Infographics, who illustrate these modes of administration with a stylized butt and crotch.

The infographic, on display at eDrug Rehab (which would be happy to create a tailored "treatment plan" for your bath-salt-abusing loved one), begins "the scoop on these dangerous designer drugs" with two dangling modifiers in quick succession:

Known to most as the "zombie drug," bath salt abuse is quickly reaching epidemic levels. Easier to obtain than most illicit drugs, as well as alcohol and tobacco, bath salt use is only going to continue increasing. 

Here's a fun fact that did not make the infographic: If bath salts are known as the "zombie drug," it's because a guy committed a crime so bizarre and horrible that people said he must have been under the influence of bath salts. Except that he wasn't.

An alert reader might notice that the infographic declares a "bath salt epidemic" in the headline, then immediately backtracks, saying the epidemic is not quite here yet. How will we know when it arrives, especially in the absence of numbers indicating how many people are using these drugs? What exactly does "epidemic" mean in this context? Do bath salts move surreptitiously from person to person, jumping up the noses of unwitting victims? Let's not get bogged down in the details; the main point is that "bath salt use is only going to continue increasing," so this is a growth opportunity for eDrug Rehab.

The infographic says "the effects [of bath salts] are similar to [those of] amphetamines, ecstasy, or cocaine." In other words, bath salt users "generally appear" "panicked," "delusional," "sweaty," "angry," and "twitchy." No wonder these drugs are so popular.

Having declared that people who consume bath salts (as well as amphetamines, ecstasy, or cocaine) usually experience negative effects, the infographic implicitly retracts that statement, warning us about what can happen "when a high takes a wrong turn": One young man slit his throat, then shot himself in the head for good measure. Your results may vary, but you might want to lock up the guns and knives if you plan to consume bath salts, just in case. You should also be alert to the "symptoms of a dangerous high," which include "extreme paranoia," "severe hallucinations," and "feeling a presence of 'pure evil' or impending doom." I hear you can avoid these symptoms if you take your bath salts rectally or vaginally.