Ohio Senate Votes to Ban Minotaurs

Following the lead of Arizona, the Buckeye State's senatorial solons have passed a bill banning the creation of "human-animal hybrids." A press release from the Ohio Christian Alliance hails the proposed ban:

Ohio Christian Alliance President Chris Long made the following statement, "For the past seven years, OCA has been working tirelessly with members of the Ohio Legislature to ban embryonic stem cell research, human cloning, and in recent years, animal-human hybrid. Science has advanced to the point where DNA from animals and humans can be intermixed in scientific laboratory experimentation. This is simply outrageous! Animal-human hybrid research is currently being conducted in England, which many in the international medical community now consider to be a rogue medical state. It is unknown how many U.S. laboratories are currently conducting similar research.

Among other activities, the Ohio bill would ban:

(a) A human embryo into which a nonhuman cell or a component of a nonhuman cell is introduced so that it is uncertain whether the human embryo is a member of the species homo sapiens;

(b) A hybrid human-animal embryo produced by fertilizing a human egg with a nonhuman sperm;

(c) A hybrid human-animal embryo produced by fertilizing a nonhuman egg with a human sperm;

(d) An embryo produced by introducing a nonhuman nucleus into a human egg;

(e) An embryo produced by introducing a human nucleus into a nonhuman egg;

(f) An embryo containing at least haploid sets of chromosomes from both a human and a nonhuman life form;

(g) A nonhuman life form engineered with the intention of generating functional human gametes within the body of a nonhuman life form;

(h) A nonhuman life form engineered such that it contains a human brain or a brain derived wholly from human neural tissues.

The Ohio bill would punish such "rogue" research by throwing perpetrators into jail for one year or imposing a fine of $250,000 or both.

As far as I know, only (e) and (h) have been attempted. For example, in 2008 "rogue" British researchers introduced a human nucleus into a hollowed out cow egg and managed to get it to grow to the 32 cell stage. The goal of the research is to create stem cells that might one day be used to figure out the genetic roots of illnesses and/or eventually to cure diseases by developing transplantable cells and tissues.

With regard to inducing human brain cells to grow in animals, researchers at Stanford University did this back in 2005 by injecting human embryonic stem cells into the brains of mouse fetuses. The goal is to research the development of human brain diseases and create better models for testing drugs to cure such diseases.

The Ohio bill is very similar to a couple of bills introduced some years back by U.S. Sen. Sam Brownback. In two columns, "Brownback's Chimerical Attempt to Curb Science" and "Senators Brownback and Landrieu Want to Outlaw Centaurs and Minotaurs," I discuss some of the valuable research that would be derailed by such bans.

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  • ||

    Does this mean Al Gore cannot go to Ohio anymore?

  • R. Rooter||

    Weren't "huboons" originally from Ohio?

  • Coeus||

    Are you kidding? He spearheaded this initiative as part of his manbearpig eradication campaign.

  • ||

    Politicians cannot breed with humans. Got it.

  • ||

    Yes only equal or lesser species such as other politicians, cockroaches, banana slugs and telemarketers.

  • ||

    What about lawyers, John? The humanity of such a species is soundly in question. :-)

  • ||

    Maybe them to.

  • ||

    Caption Contest!

    "Hey baby. Me so...HORNY. Get it?"

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    "I don't see David Bowie anywhere around here..."

  • Slut Bunwalla||

    That might have been a little too esoteric.

  • ||

    I won't be happy until reckless scientist recreate tyranosaurs and they go on a rampage throughout the country.

  • ||

    Or at least DC.

  • Wesley||

    I consider myself pretty libertarian, and I thinking banning minotaurs is a good idea.

  • ||

    Speciesist!!

  • ||

    Progress is evil.

  • Draco||

    I didn't know they were doing this stuff... hey wait! Does this explain Henry Waxman?

  • ||

    ManFerretPig?

  • ||

    No, ManMolePig. The government has been doing man mole experiments since the 30s. Waxman is just the result of one them going wrong.

  • ||

    It certainly rolls off the tongue better.

  • Uncle Joe||

    This bill is really just viral marketing for "Splice" isn't it. Coming tomorrow to a theater near you.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    I knew someone else would make this connection.

  • RyanXXX||

    Could it actually be? The timing seems WAY too perfect....

  • ||

    First, where do they expect us to get superpowers from if we can't incorporate nonhuman DNA into ourselves and our offspring?

    Second, isn't this discrimination?

  • ||

    First, where do they expect us to get superpowers from if we can't incorporate nonhuman DNA into ourselves and our offspring?

    From lawyers, where else?

    Second, isn't this discrimination?

    Pro'L Dib, you are the product of the breeding program, based on sound Mendelian genetics and husbandry. Who would dare discriminate against the Kwittheshitz Hadenough.

  • ||

    My genetic forebears were all human or, at least, in the human evolutionary line, discounting my Neanderthal blood. Which gives me superpowers.

  • ||

    Ohio Senate Votes to Ban Minotaurs

    Good thing Pasiphaë was a Cretan and not an Ohioan.

    Incidentally, what are the Ohio statutes regarding bestiality?

  • BakedPenguin||

    Incidentally, what are the Ohio statutes regarding bestiality?

    Warty chooses to live there, they must be pretty lenient or non-existant.

  • Warty||

    Incidentally, what are the Ohio statutes regarding bestiality?

    Ignored.

  • ||

    Damn you, Ohio Senate! I was THIS CLOSE to having my very own sphinx.

  • ||

    What about human/Divine hybrids?

    Suppose Jahweh gets horny again?

  • TXLimey||

    When minotaurs are outlawed, only outlaws will have minotaurs.

    And we shall use them to RULE the rest of you chumps!

  • ||

    Would you mind checking out our labirinth?

  • Astrid||

    I thought you knew better than to buy things made by someone named Daedalus.

  • ||

    I didn't have a choice in the matter.

  • ||

    On the other hand, Theseus!

  • ||

    Big deal. The poor dope couldn't find his way through my labyrinth without my stupid ball of yarn, the clumsy oaf.

  • BakedPenguin||

    What are LARPers supposed to do now? Get lives?

    Lightning bolt, lightning bolt, lightning bolt!

  • ||

    Love that video.

    "Godammit, stop spamming lightning bolt!"

  • Napoleon Dynamite||

    At least my Ligers are safe.

  • ||

    Do the chickens have large talons?

  • ||

  • ||

    She and Chicken Lady would make a lovely couple.

    "We'll drink as much as we want. We're freaks!"

  • ||

    "I'm maaaasterbating..."

  • ||

  • Maverick||

    So is safe to assume that Splice won't be screening in Ohio?

  • Astrid||

    No, I think it'll just serve as conformation for these types.

  • Maverick||

    You could be right. They might think that it's a documentary.

  • Kiwi Dave||

    the real question is whether Rand Paul thinks restaurants should be free to refuse to serve minotaurs.

  • T||

    Of course! Customers will then go elsewhere for their tasty, tasty minotaur fix.

  • libertytexan||

    I think you misunderstood, unless Rand Paul said something about black people being eaten for dinner.

  • T||

    I thought everybody knew To Serve Minotaur was a cookbook.

  • ||

    This dies Ohio State's last chance of beating an SEC school in a bowl game.

  • ||

    Weak.

  • ||

    Yet true.

  • ||

    Speaking of OSU, I have no doubt--no doubt whatsoever--that it would've revealed to the world the first cow-man hybrid. Now that research is all wasted.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    Next year (this season), tOSU beats 'Bama for the title.

  • ||

    No way. And I don't think either team makes it to the final.

  • ||

    Thus! Crap.

  • Warty||

  • AlmightyJB||

    They must of seen my giant penis. I know it may look like I'm part Bull but it's 100% human people. No need for a ban.

  • ||

    A toothpick on a mouse is still a toothpick, for all it seems like a mighty weapon to the mouse.

  • ||

    Small potatoes make the steak look bigger.

  • AlmightyBS||

    "must of"? Your "giant penis" must have come at the expense of your smaller brain.

  • jtuf||

    The Ohio Christian Alliance fights to ban human-animal hybrids. Green Peace fights to ban genetically engineered organisms. Looks like convergent evolution to me.

  • ||

    I would refer to it as convergent devolution, actually.

  • strangebedfellow||

    +100

  • ||

    Someone wake me when ProL says something interesting.

  • ||

    Man, it's got to suck to be an OSU fan. At least you own Michigan these days.

  • The Art-P.O.G.||

    We might have to get him on a different subject than football to get him to actually say something interesting. Ooh...sick...burn.

  • ||

    For the record, I'm not targeting you. I'm targeting my former Ohio State co-workers who kept telling me how inferior the SEC was, especially my alma mater. That was back in the 90s. Ha!

  • ||

    (I'm sure this will sting ever-so-much, but what the hell...)
    How's UF soccer doing these days?

  • ||

    You've crushed my soul.

    Actually, I like soccer, and I have no idea why the conference doesn't support men's soccer. There's plenty of soccer talent in the region, especially in Florida. USF has a decent team.

  • ||

    Yeah, a couple of years back, USF inexplicably came up to Akron in late November (fuck, it was cold) and endured 90 minutes of shelling to win in OT early in the playoffs. No way in hell that would have happened more than twice in 50 attempts.

    By the way, occasional US National Teamer and nearly all-time #1 MLS goalscorer Jeff Cunningham attended USF. Also, the late Tom Fitzgerald, coach of the Columbus Crew from mid-1996 through 2001, played there.

    The reason the SEC doesn't support men's soccer: Title IX (or so they say).

  • ||

    I've heard that argument about Title IX. It might even be true. I always thought it was because some of the Deep South schools had an attitude about the sport. Who knows?

    I didn't know that Tom Fitzgerald had died. That's awful. I recall him in Tampa (not as a USF player--that's a little early for me), and he was the Crew coach when I lived in Columbus.

  • ||

    The horrible thing is that Fitz died in a freak motorcycle accident.

    I don't necessarily buy the "attitude" argument. UAB has a pretty decent program. South Carolina was usually good (produced Josh Wolff and Clint Mathis). Clemson was good in the 80's. UNC & Dook & NC State of course, but they're not Deep South, I don't think.
    FIU has always been decent, while FAU is a disaster. FGCU has a team. UNF. Steton's been in the playoffs somewhat regularly. Mercer Univ.

    The Big South conference (sorta).

    SMU is pretty legendary. Tulsa. UCF. College of Charleston. Furman (Clint Dempsey). Wofford.

    Damn...this is even more than I thought. Most of it looks like it's in FLA, though.

  • ||

    I was excluding Florida from that opinion, though you're right, there are some exceptions outside the state, too. And, for the record, great swaths of Florida are "Deep South", despite popular opinion to the contrary. Even Gainesville, though the university falls outside of that.

    You do hear about a lot of nonsensical fallout from Title IX, so it may very well be true.

    I just looked it up, and it sounds like the two SEC schools with men's soccer--SC and UK--are actually in Conference USA for the sport. How sad. Hope that changes one of these days.

  • ||

    "....passed a bill banning the creation of "human-animal hybrids."

    Well, nuts! There goes my plans for next Tuesday, right out the window!

  • Zeb||

    I can't imagine a future without human-animal hybrids.

  • ||

    Whew! I live in Franklin County and those rogue minotaurs were getting out of hand! They flash mobbed a Starbucks the other day and broke all kinds of cups! I was so frightened!

  • Beezard||

    What about animal-animal hybrids, like Chimeras or Hippogriffs?

  • Astrid||

    Or Dragon-Unicorn-Kittens!

  • ||

    Let's be honest, this is really just an anti-Furry law in disguise.

  • ChrisO||

    Good to know that every single other governmental problem in Ohio has been fixed, so that the legislature can get down to the vital business of solving the minotaur problem.

  • STEVE SMITH||

    SPECIESIST LAWS MAKE STEVE SMITH SAD. STEVE SMITH RAPE TO IMPROVE SPECIES. STEVE SMITH DO IMPORTANT TRANS SPECIES RAPE RESEARCH. STEVE SMITH HAVE TO TURN DOWN RESEARCH FELLOWSHIP AT THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY NOW.

  • Astrid||

    It's a cruel world Steve Smith.

  • Dr. Moreau||

    This is clearly a bill of attainder against me.

  • ||

    Its as if they are proud of being stupid.
    First of all - and this will be shocking to some - humans are ANIMALS, we are not, I repeat, we are not carrots or any other fruit??? or vegetable.

    "Human" DNA is already an amalgram of viral and bacterial DNA. As it is already 98% of so essentailly ape DNA, and also analogous to other mammals, how does one define the "humna" DNA?

    OHIO: Stop looking through those tubes Galieo, and you'll understand that the sun circles the earth.

  • Rabbit Scribe||

    Pointing out that "Human-animal hybrid" makes as much sense as "Squirrel-animal hybrid:" +1

    Pointing out that "Human DNA" is no more distinctly human than our "Human carbon atoms:" +1

    Preview skills: Meh... ;-)

  • ||

    Hershey Med Center is painting special parking spaces for minotaurs as we speak. I hear they already have 'em for hybrid cars...

  • furfan||

    THIS SUCKS. :C I don't wanna live in OH anymore.... Fricking XTians.

  • ||

    Rats. I don't want to give up my centaur or my faun. They're great friends. Have to stay out of Ohio.....

  • JONO||

    FURSECUTION!!!!!

  • TPF||

    Christians can go burn on the cross. They're always banning things they don't like.

  • ||

    I guess you missed this part in your article: "The goal is to research the development of human brain diseases and create better models for testing drugs to cure such diseases." ..In case you missed it.."the development of human brain diseases"..."the development of human brain diseases".."the development of human brain diseases"...(then) "drugs to cure such diseases." ..SOOOO, development of human brain diseases, and drugs to cure such diseases. Sounds like a great racket; not to mention the potential long term freak show. I am all for research, but here has to be a line set forth to not cross. Genetically modifying the DNA of humans by interbreeding them with animals is going way to fu%in' far. 'Scuze my French.

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