“It has been established that persons who have recently died have been returning to life”

A zombie bailout? Why not:

Millions of Americans on Social Security are receiving $250 checks as part of the president's stimulus plan—including an Anne Arundel woman who died more than 40 years ago.

The woman's son, 83-year-old James Hagner, said he got the surprise when he checked his mailbox late last week....

"I just want to keep it as a souvenir, that's all. I'll never cash it," Hagner said.

Rest here. Reason on zombies here.

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  • Tim Cavanaugh||

    "I just want to keep it as a souvenir, that's all. I'll never cash it," Hagner said.

    Ugh, another one of these "If I won the Powerball jackpot I'd still keep my loser job" numbnuts. He should take the money and then sue the SSA for pain and suffering.

  • Warty||

    Tim beat me to it. Take all the free fucking money you can get, dumbass.

  • ||

    Well, this should please a lot of the electorate in certain districts with a high graveyard vote.

  • ||

    Would that make Hagner's mom a fast zombie or a slow zombie? Considering how slow he is on the uptake, I'd guess it's hereditary.

  • Norman Bates||

    He should simply pretend that his mother is still alive.

  • Norman Bates||

    Uh, I mean, spoiler alert.

  • ||

    Of course he won't cash it. The check's made out to someone else.

    Nick

  • ||

    NickM,

    Maybe he has a joint account with his mother.

  • Clifford el gran coño peludo||

    An aside.

    If your elderly parent is on social security when they die, keep in mind that the money they receive each month is for that month. So if your mother gets a check on april 1, and then dies on april 10, the SSA is going to want the April 11-30 money back.

    I didn't know this and so I closed all her accounts. And what did the SSA do? nearly ten months later they came and took the money out of my account and never said a thing about it. I had to call them and ask why did they take money from my account and the reason above was imparted to me.

  • phalkor||

    I'm going to the monroeville mall right now, shotgun in hand, ready to blast the living daylights out of anything that groans.

  • ||

    And what did the SSA do? nearly ten months later they came and took the money out of my account and never said a thing about it.

    So, the feds can just come and suck money out of your bank accounts without any kind of due process?

    Good to know.

  • ||

    The agency blames the error on the strict mid-June deadline of mailing out all of the checks, which didn't leave officials much time to clean up all of their records.



    Bronze that fucking admission of incompetent bureaucracy and hang it on the wall. It's only natural our records are fucked up, we need a warning to get them up to date.

    Try that excuse with the IRS.

  • Jeff P||

    In some law book somewhere, Hagner's plan to keep the check must constitute theft.

    The best way to distract a zombie is to show it an iPod ap to blow its money on.

  • Morris||

    Well, there you go. The private sector never makes that kind of error becuase the market is perfect. Why can't people see that?

    The garbage you fucking cult leaders deem worthy of posting here is just amazing

  • Gilbert Martin||

    "..including an Anne Arundel woman who died more than 40 years ago...."

    Eh, this is nothing special - or new.

    The dead turned out in droves to vote for JFK in Chicago.

  • ||

    Who Would Bub Vote For?

    WWBVF?

  • ||

    These are the people who are going to digitze our health records. They would just be getting around to entering my little league physical results about now.

  • Ward S. Denker||

    Well, there you go. The private sector never makes that kind of error becuase the market is perfect. Why can't people see that?

    The difference is that private companies record incidents like this as losses and they seek to recover them. Governments do not perceive losses. They only perceive what is in the red as more money they should have taxed the citizens for.

    Government 101:

    1) Create a program.
    2) Invest significant resources into it.
    3) When it fails, claim that it actually isn't failing. It just needs more funding.
    4) Tax the citizens more.
    5) Return to step 1.

  • ||

    I just want to make clear that, libertarian though I might be, if the government sends me a check for $1 billion, I'm keeping--and using--the money.

  • ||

    . . .and voting against the idiots that sent me the check in the first place.

  • ||

    OTOH, these checks will stimulate the market for Braaaaaaaaains.

    Nick

  • BakedPenguin||

    Well, think of all those zombies going shopping in Dawn of the Dead. This is obviously part of the stimulus.

  • jester ||

    Certain members of the private sector fail all the time. The market punishes them and they disappear.

    Morris, Morris, Morris. It's the market, you fuck. The market always wins. If you don't like the results, you say market failure. But you are the failure. The market spoke and you didn't like what it said.

    So you blame the market. Moooommm!

  • ||

    Oh fuck, love that title.

    ...and committing acts of murder. Widespread investigation of reports from hospitals, morgues, and funeral homes, have concluded that the unburied dead are coming back to life, and seeking human victims. It's hard for us here to believe what we are reporting to you but it does seem to be a fact.

    Wonder if they read that on wiki before running with it.

  • hmm||

    Remember. Two shots to the head will make it dead.

  • Telly||

    I doubt this was a mistake at all. It's the Chicago way.

  • hmm||

    Does Godwin's law apply to this article?

  • ||

    A fun couple of stories building off of (or adding to) J sub D's fear of government run medical records & care:

    Story 1: I recently was finally allowed to leave the army. I obtained my medical records to file a claim with the VA, so that I could receive continuing care for injuries sustained in combat. Whilst perusing my medical records, I found not only mine in the folder, but also 2 other people's medical histories and records of care. I was a good little boy and turned the stuff that wasn't mine back in, but the fun I could have had with all of their personal information boggles the mind.

    Story 2: A friend of mine is also leaving the army. He goes to do the same thing, only to find that his records are almost completely empty, leaving out such things as a separated shoulder, massive hearing loss, treatment for PTSD, and the kicker: Traumatic Brain Injury! So two months after getting out, he is still trying to fight and get all of that on record.

    So that's how they treat stop-lossed infantrymen with multiple deployments. And just think, this is the same quality care that many in the government want to give to everyone!

  • ||

    clifford of the furry clam-

    If your elderly parent is on social security when they die, keep in mind that the money they receive each month is for that month. So if your mother gets a check on april 1, and then dies on april 10, the SSA is going to want the April 11-30 money back.

    Nope.

    The govt. takes back the money for the entire month of April. Likewise, a child who turns 18 on October 29 does not get a check for October.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    KR,

    I have news for you.

    So that's how they treat stop-lossed infantrymen with multiple deployments.

    That is how they treat EVERYBODY. It is a bureaucracy, something different than a utopia.

  • Douglas Gray||

    It would make a good movie, the checks come in the mail box, then the people come back to life to claim them.

  • ||

    @ Douglas Gray

    Nah. Happens in my office every payday.

  • ||

    J sub D: Good point. It's as if they are saying "Gee, if we'd had more warning, we'd have finished recording all those deaths from the '60s."

  • ||

    Morris fended off her attempts to bite him. A single well-placed slap knocked her dentures loose and sent them flying. They clattered out of sight in the darkness of the basement. She still numbly clawed at him, but could get no purchase on the heavy rain slicker. She had been dead two days.

    Morris struggled with her off-balance, but managed to topple her onto the work bench. He fired the nailgun repeatedly into her hands and forearms. The fingers twitched like a galvanized frog. She could only weakly move her legs, kicking up from where they hung off the end of the bench. He tied them with efficient knots to the supports of the bench itself.

    She moaned. It almost sounded like his name. Her bloody night gown hung in tatters and he ripped the rest of it away. He was nude after he let the slicker fall to the floor. Morris struggled for purchase against the smooth concrete of the basement floor and the height of the work bench, but he finally entered her. After a few frantic thrusts, he came, spurting thick ropey semen into her gray pubic hair as he fell backwards.

    From the floor he stared at her vulva, already torn from his exertions. Morris felt himself begin to stiffen once more. He smiled. His mother would never turn him down again.

  • jk||

    The garbage you fucking cult leaders deem worthy of posting here is just amazing

    OK SugarFree, you can be one of the cult leaders now, but only until the sun comes up. Somewhere.

  • ||

    What fascinates me is the constant reference to libertarians "worshiping" or having "faith" in the free market. Is that the current meme of the day over at the DNC? It's stupid, if so.

    Leaving most decisions about people's lives in the hands of the people is morally and pragmatically superior to handing all of those decisions to people in power. It's not some blind truism that power corrupts--it's a historically proven fact. That point alone makes the current Democratic agenda absolutely appalling. And I'll lash any GOP lovers who think I won't say much the same about their party.

    If all the opposition party focused on was limiting government power, without getting into specific civil liberties or other issues, I'd be content. Limit what the government can do, and you'll limit what the government can do to you.

  • ||

    Thanks, SugarFree. I hadn't Pelosied yet today.

    You need help. Help finding a publisher.

  • coyote1284||

    People for the Ethical Treatment of the Undead approve of this stimulus. Long have the financial needs of differently dead, unhired due to institutional lifeism, been ignored. SSA has made a step in the right direction in correcting their oversight of persons of post-mortem activity.

  • ChrisO||

    Since it's Maryland, the late Mrs. Hagner is probably still voting, so why shouldn't she get a stimulus check?

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