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Scalia: Be Careful What You Wish For
From the The Onion, which joins such comedy legends as The Simpsons, King of the Hill, and the U.S. Congress in getting funnier and funnier over time:
Genie Grants Scalia Strict Constructionist Interpretation Of Wish
WASHINGTON, DC--A genie freed from a battered oil lamp by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia granted the conservative jurist a strict constructionist interpretation of his wish for "a hundred billion bucks" Monday. "Sim sim salabim! Your wish is my command!" the genie proclaimed amid flashes of light and purple smoke, immediately filling the Supreme Court building with a massive herd of wild male antelopes. When Justice Scalia complained that the "bucks" had razed the U.S. Supreme Court building, trampling and killing several of his clerks and bringing traffic in the nation's capital to a standstill for hours, the genie said, "Your honor, your wish is a sacred and unalterable document whose interpretation is not subject to the whims of society and changing social context."
Whole thing here.
|9.8.05 @ 10:58AM|#
Gotta love The Onion. One of last week's headlines was "Bush: Vacation Ruined By 'Stupid Dead Soldier.'"
|9.8.05 @ 11:03AM|#
By the way, The Onion has done away with its "premium" content and put everything up for free! Last night I wasted quite a bit of time going through Jean Teasdale's Website. It's easily the most hilariously depressing thing I've ever read.
Timothy|9.8.05 @ 11:20AM|#
Thank goodnes they got rid of premium. Now, I can find links to all my favorite Onion articles of old: "IBM Frees 8,000 Wage Slaves" and "Generic Candy Corn Will Give You AIDS".
fyodor|9.8.05 @ 11:20AM|#
Gotta admit, whatever one thinks of the debate over "original construction," that's some pithy and funny satire!!
|9.8.05 @ 11:28AM|#
You're a Jeanketeer too, Mediageek? Ha! Admit it--it was you who wrote the erotic story on the Jean Teasdale Fan Fiction page!!
|9.8.05 @ 11:35AM|#
The Onion was funnier when it wasn't plastering my browser with ads or surreptitiously recycling the same articles from years past. They couldn't even change the names right - one joke story that initially appeared in the Clinton era had 'Clinton' replaced with 'Bush', but they left in the "Secretary of State Albright" reference. That and like the Simpsons, their sense of humor went from skewering everyone equally to unfunny jokes of a very particular slant that seem to be trying to "send a message". Bo-ring.
Shannon Love|9.8.05 @ 11:38AM|#
I don't mind a legal system where laws are changed based on the "whims of society and changing social context." as long as I am the one who gets to decide what has changed.
|9.8.05 @ 11:38AM|#
Rafuzo--
Some of their political satire occasionally misses the mark, but
the non-political stuff is still great. Jean Teasdale and Jim
Anchower are non-political pokes at some truly pathetic people, and
chances are any story whose headline starts with the words "Area
Man" will be hilarious.
|9.8.05 @ 11:42AM|#
Some of those recycled stories appear when the writing staff is
on vacation. In that case, somewhere on the main page there's fine
print saying that this week's stories are from the archives. So
something like "Bill Clinton upset with White House dinner menu"
becomes "George Bush upset with White House dinner menu." (I don't
know that they've ever run such a story, but they could.) But most
of the year is new material.
Honestly, there's no publication out there better than the Onion.
(Sorry, Reason.)
fyodor|9.8.05 @ 12:02PM|#
It'd be funnier if the joke weren't so old.
Hmm. The idea of one's wishes being taken too literally by a genie
is plenty old, sure enough. But I'd never heard of that notion
being applied to constitutional jurisprudence before! Oh well, must
have missed it.
|9.8.05 @ 12:09PM|#
Admit it--it was you who wrote the erotic story on the Jean
Teasdale Fan Fiction page!!
Unfortunately, no.
I can only wish that I were capable writing prose as brilliant as
this:
"I felt like I was making love to a souffle. A sexy souffle adrift
on a life raft on the sea of love."
|9.8.05 @ 12:25PM|#
Vice President Wes and White House Chief of Staff Ron were unavailable for comment, as they were engaging in interstate commerce. President Anchower was late to the UN summit after the Presidential limo broke down and needed new parts. "Man, how am I supposed to get these specialty parts on my salary?" asked the President.
|9.8.05 @ 12:37PM|#
The columnists tend to be pretty funny, that's true. And the AV Club is also rather underrated, in my book. But the ads and the story recycling is just bush league stuff. (And sorry, thoreau, the three instances I remember seeing said nothing about them being "from the archives".)
|9.8.05 @ 12:51PM|#
rafuzo-
They did indeed start recycling articles out of the archives, as
well as remixing old content into new headings.
Interestingly enough, about four months ago, Forbes did an article
on The Onion. Evidently before they made the changes, adding a
bunch of advertisements and remixing/recycling old content, they
were doing very poorly financially. It was either do that stuff, or
go under.
If you can dig the article up, it's well worth reading.
|9.8.05 @ 1:11PM|#
THe Simpsons have most definitely not gotten better over time. What the Onion shares with those shows is that it's been funny enough over a long enough time that you can come up with a reference for just about any situation. It's hard to get through any news without thinking of an Onion article, and it's hard to get through a day without having a circumstance in which a Simpsons quote would sum things up.
|9.8.05 @ 1:16PM|#
Gotta love The Onion. One of last week's headlines was
"Bush: Vacation Ruined By 'Stupid Dead Soldier.'"
One of my favorite recent headlines was something like "Bush Does
360 on Abortion Stance"
|9.8.05 @ 1:23PM|#
Even the worst Onion articles usually have a good headline. The
thought of "Pudding-Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To
Town Below" is kind of funny, you skim the article, and then you
move on.
But the good articles? Every word is priceless.
|9.8.05 @ 1:28PM|#
My favorite onion story ever. I love the second pic of
Clinton.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30187
|9.8.05 @ 1:41PM|#
my favorite onion quote still remains: "The Court made the right decision. Once we legalize the medical use of marijuana, it's only a matter of time until we start seeing the medical use of harder drugs, like morphine."
|9.8.05 @ 1:46PM|#
Supreme Court Justice Gets �Evolving� Interpretation of
Wish
Justice John Paul Stevens was walking along the beach when he found
a bottle. Stevens rubbed the bottle and a genie appeared, offering
to grant Stevens one wish.
�I want a hot, young, blonde coed,� said Stevens.
Immediately a forty-year old, dark-haired male accountant
materialized in front of Stevens.
�Here she is!� said the genie.
�Wait a minute,� said Stevens, �this guy is neither hot, nor young,
nor blonde, nor a coed! You didn�t give me what I wished
for!�
�Yes I did,� explained the genie. �The terms �hot,� �young,�
�blonde� and �coed� must be interpreted in light of changing social
norms. To many people, for example, a guy like this would be
considered �hot.� And he�s certainly �young� compared to
you.�
�But he�s certainly not a blonde coed!� exclaimed an indignant
Stevens.
�Sure he is,� replied the genie. �The term �blonde� must not be
arbitrarily restricted to the meaning it had at some time in the
past. The term could just as easily be interpreted to mean
dark-haired people. As for �coed,� this guy could probably get
credit for life experience at many colleges, even though he isn�t
at this time technically enrolled in an institution of higher
learning, which is the narrow and restrictive meaning which you�ve
assigned to the term �coed.��
�He�s not even a woman!� exclaimed Stevens.
�A sexist and a homophobe,� sighed the genie.
|9.8.05 @ 1:47PM|#
Zach--
I liked the medical marijuana piece where they said something along
the lines of "Instead of taking drugs, why can't cancer patients
paint, listen to music or play sports, like they told us in health
class?"
|9.8.05 @ 2:12PM|#
Scalia saying "bucks" is more implausible than a genie giving him a hundred million of them.
proGraMmer|9.8.05 @ 2:52PM|#
Seems like they got it backwards.
Wouldn't a "Living Document" Genie be the one who would change the
intent of Scalia's wish, while A Strict Constructionalist would
determine the framer's meaning of buck as being dollar.
Just my opinion
|9.8.05 @ 3:50PM|#
This has always been one of my favourite Onion articles, although I haven't read it in quite a while.
|9.8.05 @ 3:52PM|#
I was thinking of a classic Onion piece yesterday.
The headline was something like, "Roof on Fire Collapses, Kills 40
Party People."
It quotes a guy who ran into a burning nightclub to warn the
patrons. He shouted, "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!" But
they just kept dancing.
Because he was concerned the patrons would be overcome by smoke
inhalation, he urged them to get close to the floor. "I shouted,
'Get down! Get down, party people!' But they just waved their hands
in the air like they just didn't care."
The article also said it was the worst such disaster since 18
people perished in a disco inferno in 1978.
By the way, I agree with proGraMmer. (PS: Get a shift key that
works, dammit!)
|9.8.05 @ 4:47PM|#
Stevo,
That was priceless. Thank you for sharing that.
I visited Chicago on Labor Day weekend and had an opportunity to
get an actual "The Onion" newspaper in print. My favorite headline:
"Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit To Wife's Vagina".
amanda|9.8.05 @ 5:32PM|#
>
scalia doesn't consider himself a primarily follower of the
"original intent" school of constitutional interpretation -- he
considers himself a "textualist," which means that he claims to go
by what the actual words in the constitution are. i think this is
the aspect of his jurisprudence that the article is mocking.
|9.9.05 @ 6:19AM|#
A man walks into a bar with a box under his arm. He sets the box
on the bar and pulls out a miniature piano. Then he removes a
twelve-inch tall man wearing a tuxedo and gently sets him on the
bar. The tiny man walks to the piano and begins playing beautiful
classic music.
The bartender looks at this and says: "That's incredible! Where did
you find him?" The man reaches into a box and pulls out a dirty
brass lamp and tells the barkeep to rub it. A genie appears and
grants the man one wish. "Oh boy! I want a million bucks!" The
genie said "Your wish is my command," and disappeared.
Suddenly, there was a "POP" and a duck appeared on the bar. Soon,
the entire bar was filled with ducks. The bartender screamed at the
man "I said BUCKS, not DUCKS. Is that damn genie deaf?" The man
sadly shook his head and said: "Do you really think wished for a
12-inch PIANIST?"
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