The People's Dear Leader

Daniel Koffler | August 4, 2005

Via Chelsea Peretti at the HuffPost comes this partial recounting of Kim Jong Il's superhuman feats and abilities. Did you know?

Kim pilots jet fighters, pens operas, produces movies and accomplished a feat unmatched in the annals of professional golf by shooting 11 holes-in-one on the first round he ever played.

11 holes-in-one on the first round he ever played? That does set Kim apart from the masses. Maybe that's why he's so, um, ronery.

Comments

|8.4.05 @ 5:41PM|#

11 holes-in-one on the first round he ever played?

I guess his entourage made sure the little windmills were spinning slower than usual.

|8.4.05 @ 5:43PM|#

I've shot an eleven on one hole.

|8.4.05 @ 5:53PM|#

Why, he is down-right Hubbardesque!

|8.4.05 @ 5:54PM|#

You know, that should be funny, but it isn't.

|8.4.05 @ 5:59PM|#

Only 11?

I mean the guy has total control of the tiny amount of information that comes out of his country, and he only says he got 11 holes-in-one? If I were him, I'd say at least 18.

If there are any neocon moles reading my comments, please reconsider whether we should consider this unambitious pansy to be a threat.

|8.4.05 @ 6:03PM|#

This explains why North Korea's having so many problems: their leaders are too busy to run the country! Or maybe, that's a good thing.

|8.4.05 @ 6:04PM|#

Ah, this isn't so bad.

This is nothing I didn't use to say when I was trying to get dates.

Maybe the Great Leader just got a little carried away in composing his Match.com profile. Everyone takes those things with a grain of salt anyway, so - No harm, no foul.

|8.4.05 @ 6:05PM|#

Used to say, that is.

|8.4.05 @ 6:13PM|#

Golf stories are like fish stories, they get more ridiculous with each retelling. I'm sure he aced no more than three holes.

|8.4.05 @ 6:13PM|#

Anyone here ever actually checked the official North Korea website?

|8.4.05 @ 6:30PM|#

mediageek

yes, and it's dreadful. www.korea-dpr.com

if you go there, be sure to download the 160 page "brief history" of the dear leader.

|8.4.05 @ 6:32PM|#

This reminds me of when Howard Stern mocks actors who, whenever a new movie comes out, give the obligatory interview gushing about their co-stars.

(Imitating the British accent of Jude Law) "Haley Joel Osment is such a delight to work with. Such talent and professionalism in an actor so young is truly amazing. Haley Joel Osment can excrete diamonds and rubies! He is an amazing young man. His urine can cure cancer, and all manner of diseases. He urinates on Bob Hope once a week. This is the only thing keeping Mr. Hope alive." (This was from before Bob Hope became the late Bob Hope.)

|8.4.05 @ 6:43PM|#

World is, he shoots in the low eighties. If it gets any warmer, he won't play. (Ba-Dump)

A little golfing humor there. Good night, everybody...

|8.4.05 @ 7:37PM|#

I'm wondering if Reason writers are the only people reading the Huffington Post. Could it be true?

|8.4.05 @ 8:36PM|#

Douglas Fletcher,
I notice Huffington is a new preselected opinion option on Yahoo news.
USA Today opinion, another option, is no opinion.
But I think I'm with you that a very small percent of Yahoo News readers would click on any opinion.

|8.4.05 @ 9:10PM|#

The couple of times I have been over there, I noted that if I tried to comment on the blogs, there was a delay before posting while they reviewed the post for content. Since that delay could apparently sometimes be A WEEKEND LONG, I lost interest.

Unless that was just a special thing was limited to just the articles I wrote, their metablog will fail. Blogs are participatory, that's the whole point.

|8.4.05 @ 9:33PM|#

Fluffy, is that for the Huffington Post, or the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea?

/I keed, I keed.

|8.4.05 @ 11:37PM|#

Word is that Kim Jong Il wrote his brief 160-page bio in 6 minutes. He's very well rounded.

Speaking of golf, I have a great short game. Unfortunately, it's off of the tee.

Cletus Nelson|8.4.05 @ 11:45PM|#

Why doesn't anyone ever mention KJI's psychotic dwarf eradication program?

http://tinyurl.com/9skct

|8.5.05 @ 1:25AM|#

Word is that Kim Jong Il wrote his brief 160-page bio in 6 minutes. He's very well rounded.

Yeah, well, too bad the DPRK server is too slow to download it anything approaching six minutes. Maybe he should take an afternoon and invent a new computer to host his website.

|8.5.05 @ 1:51AM|#

In honor of this great man, I'll regale you with more of his exploits:

When Kim Jong Il was in the Olympics
Skating for the gold
He did two Salchows and a triple Lutz while wearing a blindfold
When Kim Jong Il was in the Alps
Fighting grizzly bears
He used his magical fire breath
And saved the maidens fair
When Kim Jong Il traveled through time
To the year 3010
He fought the evil robot king
And saved the human race again
And when Kim Jong Il built the pyramids
He beat up Kubla Khan
Cuz Kim Jong Il doesn't take shit from anybody!

|8.5.05 @ 4:39AM|#

I was going to say that technically there are no grizzly bears in the Alps, although you might find the European brown bear there. However, I then discovered that the Euro brown and the grizzly are actually subspecies of the same species (Ursus arctos), so it's a fine hair to split. You can actually find varieties of Ursus arctos all over the stinkin' Northern Hemisphere.

Kim Jon Il already knew all this, of course.

|8.5.05 @ 9:00AM|#

How is this any different from the people who go to Bush events and gush about how happy they are that God put Him in office?

|8.5.05 @ 9:44AM|#

Working with Jude really was amazing. He's such a professional and so talented. His pubes are actually a form of silk much finer than anything produced by a silk worm. He spins them into magnificent robes and auctions them off for charity. I once saw him cure an entire AIDS ward by just rubbing them with his soiled underwear. That's how powerful his body emissions are. When he farts it smells like strawberry ice cream. Jude is the finest actor of our generation. I learned so very much from my time with him. He's a treasure.

|8.5.05 @ 10:24AM|#

Dear Leader, look out! That kimchee is really hot!

keith|8.5.05 @ 11:10AM|#

If I'm not mistaken, Kim's dear dad had North Korean textbooks explain that he was the first man to orbit the earth and walk on the moon. He may have even had something to do with the development of electricity. Truly, with such enlightened leaders as these, North Korea must be a paradise where ne'er a soul has suffered even the slightest discomfort.

-Keith

|8.5.05 @ 12:29PM|#

How is this any different from the people who go to Bush events and gush about how happy they are that God put Him in office?

The people who say stuff like this do it of their own free will.

|8.5.05 @ 4:42PM|#

The Bushies don't generally assign him superpowers.

Except maybe the NRO ladies on Flight Suit Day. God, that was funny. If they hadn't shaved their legs that morning, they'd've been chirping like crickets.

|8.5.05 @ 6:06PM|#

This just demonstrates that if no one is ever allowed to disagree with you , you turn into a nutball.

|8.5.05 @ 7:11PM|#

if no one is ever allowed to disagree with you , you turn into a nutball

joe argues with us all the time, and yet we're still a bunch of nutballs. What gives?