Urine the Nurse-State Now!

Matt Welch | May 2, 2005

In case (like me) you don't follow football, the House Committee on Golden Showers House Committee on Government Reform used the National Football League as its second professional patsy last week, revealing along the way that our nation's money-thieving scolds lawmakers, led by John "Who Else?" McCain, are drafting one-size-fits-all drug-testing legislation.

[E]very major professional sport and college athletic association would be subject to a uniform testing policy, with the nation's drug czar overseeing the list of banned substances.

My question -- Why stop at "major"? You think Badminton players aren't on the juice? You think anybody on this team hasn't enjoyed a "reefer"?... Though I suppose in this case sarcasm just gives these power-intoxicated legislators even more terrible ideas. Consider that this mentality is spending your tax money, and "reforming" your government:

Asked by reporters why there was a need for a uniform, government-authored policy, [Reform Committee Chairman] Davis [R-Va.] said that, for starters, steroid policy would no longer be negotiated as part of labor agreements.

In addition, Davis said, such a law would "send a message to amateur and professional sports: 'These (drugs) are illegal. It won't be tolerated.' It just gets rid of this issue."

Davis predicted that three or four bipartisan bills would be introduced. "I don't know how the public feels about this," he said. "But I think members (of Congress) are pretty united on this: It's a huge issue and it needs to be taken care of."

Just think how many "issues" we could "just get rid of" through the magic of putting the feds in everyone's bathroom! I hear this book has many useful suggestions! Of course, state lawmakers are having their fun, too:

[New Jersey State Senator Nicholas] Sacco has introduced a bill in the state Legislature that would allow all schools to randomly test student athletes.

Lawmakers in New York, Connecticut and Michigan, meanwhile, are also proposing steroid testing programs for high school athletes. [...]

"We need to show students while in high school that drug abuse can have some very serious consequences."

Why stop at high school? Oh, nevermind.

Comments

Ranger|5.2.05 @ 12:16PM|#

How long before someone actually proposes a "think about the children!" amendment to the CotUS?

Let's see, a new food pyramid, a centralized drug testing, what's next? Nationwide mandatory mile jogs?

And what the hell is this line about?
"I don't know how the public feels about this," he said. "But I think members (of Congress) are pretty united on this: It's a huge issue and it needs to be taken care of."

Hey, Chairman Dumbass, this PUBLIC of which you speak is why you have a job in the firt place!! Congress isn't a personal playground for whatever the hell you asshats decide is the topic du jour!!

Does anyone know if I can return my government frto it's point of purchase?? I wanted "democratic republic" but this tastes alot more like "communist nanny-statism".

|5.2.05 @ 12:20PM|#

As long as they're in bathrooms, will they report toothpaste tubes with caps not properly re-screwed?
I sure hope so.
Seems like they should... efficiency and all.

|5.2.05 @ 12:29PM|#

Good thing there isn't a piss test for obtuse, self-righteous posturing.

fyodor|5.2.05 @ 12:31PM|#

Ruthless,

Don't forget about squeezing the tube from the front!!! I've always wondered when "they" would do something about that...

|5.2.05 @ 12:32PM|#

From Encarta 2045:
"Looking back from the devastation which is now New York, and the subsequent collapse of American civilization, it seems puzzling why legislators of the time were obsessed with minutia such as drug-testing and abortion, while neglecting glaring security problems like insecure nuclear and chemical sites as well as porous shipping lanes. The failure to secure all incoming freight cargo (one of the most obvious structural security deficits), of course, is what led to the deaths of 18 million Americans, and the widespread panic which gripped the nation after the deadly Marbury Virus Shipments incidents of 2011..."

Ranger|5.2.05 @ 12:33PM|#

I think we need to find a male Republican that pees sitting down and threaten to "out" them.

Then watch how fast we get Big Brother out of the bathroom!

|5.2.05 @ 12:34PM|#

Look on the bright side, guys--isn't it wonderful to live in a country so Utopian and perfect that the government can spend time worrying about pippy-poo problems like the honesty of professional athletes? I mean, it's not like we're a country at war with a steadily rising deficit and diminished international prestige and a rising theocratic class and an economy in the toilet, or anything. THAT would be asinine, you see.

|5.2.05 @ 12:37PM|#

I've said this here before, but I think it bears repeating: I think those of us who are under forty WILL live to see a time when all employers are required to drug-test their employees, just as employers are now required to ensure their employees are either citizens or green-card holders.

|5.2.05 @ 12:39PM|#

My question -- Why stop at "major"?

Why stop at athletes? It's time Congress did something about the competitive advantage of sugar and caffeine abuse in the computer programming industry.

|5.2.05 @ 12:40PM|#

a time when all employers are required to drug-test their employees

Please, Lord, let it be soon. I have bills to pay and this clean piss just ain't moving!

|5.2.05 @ 12:42PM|#

I have it on good authority that there are Ph.D. students out there who abuse their bodies with massive amounts of Mountain Dew in order to do their research and write their dissertations.

This is clearly an outrage, and it's unfair to those who can't tolerate the same level of abuse and still compete.

Mike H.|5.2.05 @ 12:51PM|#

What do you mean you "don't follow football"?

I don't understand.

Matt Welch|5.2.05 @ 12:58PM|#

I don't like to watch steroid-crazed 400-pound monsters trying to pulverize each other on artificial turf, while a bunch of half-wit speed freaks known only by their first names (Terry! Howie! Poopy!) bark out nonsense at the half. Also, I gots things to do on Sundays....

|5.2.05 @ 1:00PM|#

So when will someone introduce a mandatory weekly piss test for all members of Congress, their staff, and all of their families? We can't have our laws be made under the influence of anything other than religious zealotry, bribes, and power madness!!!

|5.2.05 @ 1:22PM|#

thoreau--

It's worse than that. If it wasn't for crystal meth and Jolt cola, I'd *still* be in grad school.

|5.2.05 @ 1:33PM|#

It's time Congress did something about the competitive advantage of sugar and caffeine abuse in the computer programming industry.

Three words, Rhywun: Don't. You. Dare.

MP|5.2.05 @ 1:56PM|#

Also, I gots things to do on Sundays....
So you forsake a sport that plays on two or three days a week for one which plays constantly from 1 PM to 2 AM ET, 7 days a week, for 6 months plus playoffs? That makes sense... ;)

Mike H.|5.2.05 @ 2:09PM|#

I don't like to watch steroid-crazed 400-pound monsters trying to pulverize each other on artificial turf, while a bunch of half-wit speed freaks known only by their first names (Terry! Howie! Poopy!) bark out nonsense at the half. Also, I gots things to do on Sundays....

I admit it: I have a bloodlust.

"Well, Terry, what the Pats need to do here is put points on the board, while keeping the Rams from doing the same! That's THE KEY to this ballgame, Terry."

Matt Welch|5.2.05 @ 2:31PM|#

MP -- Yes, but I don't actually have to *watch* any of those games on the teevee; just a pleasant radio soundtrack for work (especially when Vin Scully's at the mic).

Though I recall listening to Dick Enberg call Rams games in my youth, football has always seemed to be a visual sport, and also a pretty foul-smelling male-bonding ritual....

|5.2.05 @ 2:42PM|#

Congress needs to start testing nine year old girls.

|5.2.05 @ 2:52PM|#

Twba,
I heard about that before. I wondered, does being thin counteract the increased hairyness, acne and shrunken breasts that are the side effects of steroids? Give me a smooth-skinned, breasted fatty over a Nicole Bass/Chyna clone any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

|5.2.05 @ 2:59PM|#

Jennifer,
Did you mean to say Bush is going to put the whole ECONOMY into my toilet sniffin' around?

|5.2.05 @ 3:21PM|#

Mo, I had to google Nicole Bass/Chyna to figure out what you were willing to kick out of bed. That chick, if she is a chick, is big enough to kick me out of bed. She's a man, baby.

|5.2.05 @ 3:46PM|#

Where the hell do nine year old girls get the cash for steroids? Something must be wrong with these polls.

|5.2.05 @ 3:57PM|#

"Terry! Howie! Poopy!"

Ha ha. Made me wonder: What if someone develops a 'roid that is only detectable by stool sample? Might act as quite a deterrent.

|5.2.05 @ 6:16PM|#

You know one "sport" where most of the "athletes" actually are on steriods is pro wrestling. Why doesn't the government want to step in there?

|5.2.05 @ 6:18PM|#

Actually, Dave, what I'd like to know is why you put the word "sport" in quotes? You sayin' rasslin's fake?

|5.2.05 @ 7:26PM|#

Dave this could be a part of the answer to your question! http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/03/16/eveningnews/main681055.shtml

|5.2.05 @ 7:42PM|#

I've said this here before, but I think it bears repeating: I think those of us who are under forty WILL live to see a time when all employers are required to drug-test their employees, just as employers are now required to ensure their employees are either citizens or green-card holders.

Tangentially related, but my wife and I were at the mall this weekend, and near the big playground inside the mall (and not coincidentally, next to the DMV office), there was a booth offering free fingerprinting of children for parents. I told my wife, "I'll bet you $100 that within 10 years, more parents than not will have their kids implanted with some kind of RFID locator chip at birth." Mark my words. The age of privacy is over.

|5.2.05 @ 8:58PM|#

Phil -

While I certainly have problems with mandatory drug testing conducted by the govmint on my children, I don't believe they have a reasonable expectation to privacy invasion from me. I would therefore have no problem implanting an RFID chip in any of them. I'd do in a heartbeat. 18th b-day present? Tell em about it.

|5.3.05 @ 5:08PM|#

A large part of the reason both spectator sports and participation sports became popular in the western world in the 19th century was the Christian belief that "the devil will find work for idle hands"; in other words, sports were supposed to keep our kids too busy to find time for sex, drugs, and other forms of do-it-yourself entertainment.

Guess where your kids will go to find fun, and/or consolation, after they're kicked out of (or don't dare sign up for) after-school sports because of drug testing?