Brickbats

Charles Oliver from the February 1996 issue

• A man showing his girlfriend a sawed-off shotgun stuck the gun in his pants and accidentally shot himself in the genitals. Police in Bridgeport, Connecticut, arrested him for illegal discharge of a firearm. That should show him.
• Playboy asked all of the Republican presidential candidates and House Speaker Newt Gingrich whether public schools should teach creationism. All declined to answer the question.
• Joy Beckerman runs a store in Woodstock, New York, that sells paper, clothes, and other items, all made from hemp. That doesn't sit well with the town's police. They can't bust her for selling marijuana, so they're trying to nail her for telling the truth. Seems Beckerman has a habit of stamping the words "I Grew Hemp" next to George Washington's picture on dollar bills. Washington did indeed grow hemp. The police sent one of the bills to the Secret Service, which warned Beckerman she could be prosecuted for "mutilating" currency.
• A survey of 1,000 black churchgoers conducted by a University of North Carolina researcher revealed that fully one-third believe AIDS was produced in a germ warfare lab to get rid of blacks.
  Another third said they were "unsure" whether AIDS was deliberately created to kill blacks.
• In Dothan, Alabama, lawyers won $1.00 in damages in a price-fixing suit against gasoline retailers. For their diligent effort on behalf of consumers, the court granted the lawyers $2 million in legal fees.
• Congress wanted to know why the cost of building federal offices is so high. It seems bureaucrats have a slight tendency to overbuild. A report found that the 27-story Metcalfe Federal Building in Chicago has 55 food-service areas, including 26 full-size kitchens, eight kitchenettes, and a food court with space for eight restaurants.
• In Swaziland, a member of parliament blamed that country's drought on the fact that women no longer cover their heads. He said the women have angered the nation's ancestors by defying tradition.
• Douglas Albert has spent thousands of dollars of his own money to create a sanctuary for the bog turtle, which is listed by the government as an endangered species. The New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection told him that he needed a permit to raise the turtles. Albert spent five years and a lot of money trying to get one, but still came up empty-handed. In the meantime, the state sent a dozen armed troopers to seize his turtles. Now they are threatening him with thousands of dollars in fines.
• In Fernandina Beach, Florida, a judge has thrown out a city ordinance that made it illegal for politicians to lie. The judge termed the law a "blatant" violation of the First Amendment.
• Not all criminals are evil geniuses who can be thwarted only by the likes of James Bond. Lest we forget that, now comes a new book America's Dumbest Criminals. Included are the man who got a 90-day sentence for disorderly conduct. On the 88th day, he broke out of jail. He was caught a few months later and got another 1.5 years for escaping. Another man was charged with breaking into vending machines. He didn't help his case when he tried to pay his $400 bail in quarters.
• The top executives at Disney are big contributors to just about every trendy liberal cause. But it seems that donating money is no longer enough. Vice President Al Gore and his wife Tipper needed costumes for a Halloween party. So the folks at Disney jumped in with custom-made Beauty and the Beast costumes. Disney even flew a Hollywood make-up artist to Washington to make sure the Gores got everything right. Disney wasn't even going to charge the Gores until some pesky reporters started asking questions. Actually, the Gores still won't have to pay for the costumes. The $8,365 tab is being picked up by the Democratic National Committee.
• It's a little, well, chintzy for a restaurant to hand out toilet paper instead of napkins. And in Malaysia it's also against the law and punishable with an $80 fine. Repeat offenders can get jail time.

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