Brickbats
? Cuba's collapsed economy is a source of great discomfort to that country's government. So what measures is it taking to deal with it? Well, it recently began a crackdown on those it believes have earned too much money in the small private sector. So far, more than 370 people have been charged with "illegal enrichment."
? A Chicago man thought that he would do his part to help clean up the air by purchasing an electric car. But state motor vehicle officials refused to grant the car a license. Why? State law demands that all cars pass an emissions test. Since the car has no emissions there is no way to test it. Therefore, the state of Illinois wouldn't license it. Something tells me that people at the vehicle inspections department have spent just a little too much time sniffing at exhaust pipes.
? A television station in Jacksonville, Florida, has canceled Jerry Falwell's show following viewer complaints. Were viewers tired of looking at his helmet of hair? Did they object to his appeals for money? Nope, they thought his show was too sexually explicit. In recent months, the Rev. Falwell has been obsessed with Bill Clinton's sexual improprieties, discussing them in some detail on his show. One woman said that she complained after her 9-year-old son asked what oral sex was after hearing Falwell discuss it.
? Colorado, Aspen City Councilman Terry Paul stunned attendees at a council meeting when he admitted that he planted a fake Indian medicine wheel on Burrit Mountain in hopes that the "archaeological find" would block expansion of the Snowmass ski resort. Now, Ute tribal officials have denounced Paulson for "mocking Indian religion." Even worse, they say his activities may have destroyed a real native site there.
? It was Dennis Wadsworth's first day on the job, and he probably wanted to make a good impression. He certainly made a big one. The truck driver ran out of gas during his first trip to London. He parked his rig near Downing Street and went for fuel. He came back to find that bomb-disposal experts had blown up his truck.
? Marcia Ramos and Darryl Johnson apparently love each other very much, so much so that they couldn't wait to get home and make love. They tried to consummate their passion on a New York City subway track. Unfortunately, they didn't count on the obvious. A train hit them, dislocating Johnson's pelvis, injuring his neck, and severing half of one foot. Ramos was unhurt. Now, the two are suing the transit system for $10 million, accusing it of "carelessness, recklessness, and negligence" for daring to send a train down a rarely used track without alerting them.
? For eight years, Dick E. Mallory of Acme, Michigan, has published at his own expense the Dick E. Bird News, a paper he says is full of the "best darned bird stories ever told." Mallory distributed the paper free at Michigan travel centers. But the state Department of Transportation has put a stop to that practice. A department worker complained that the name of the paper is a little too reminiscent of a certain slang term. Let no one say that the transportation department is full of bird brains.
? Nude dancers in Philadelphia have started getting used to the idea that they have to have a city license to practice their art. But it's going to take some time to get accustomed to city officials measuring their breasts. When feature dancer Crystal Storm, who bills herself as 121XXX-24-36, came to town, Department of Licenses and Inspection officials came calling to make sure she had the requisite license. They had that authority; it's the law. But it seems they may not have had legal authority to do what they did next. They measured Ms. Storm to see if her claims were true. They weren't: Her bust measured a mere 50 inches.
? When Al Gore battles Ralph Nader, who do you root for? Who cares? On a radio broadcast talking about the new GATT treaty which he opposes, Nader gave out the telephone number of Gore's legislative liaison office. Soon calls were coming in so fast that Gore's staffers could do no other work. Then someone hit on a plan. Using call forwarding, they rerouted the calls to Nader's office.
