From the Mouths of Babes
Unlike the rest of the major
media, we here at Suck have
taken a particularly keen
interest in the vastly, sadly,
even grotesquely under-reported
saga of Little Elian Gonzalez.
Don't misunderstand us: We're
true-blue, red-blooded,
white-knuckled patriots every
bit as much as John McCain or
Wen Ho Lee. We love America as a
country so generous and giving
that even Robin Williams can
find regular work, and we're
willing to pay whatever it takes
in taxes to defend this land of
unbounded opportunity.
But the shameful lack of coverage
of this brave, buoyant little
soul forces us to pose a most
uncomfortable question: Is it
simply historical racism —
we understand that Gonzalez may
be half-Italian — that the
demi-orphan's heart-tugging
twist on the standard American
immigration narrative has been
featured only 45 times on
Hardball, 58 times on Hannity &
Colmes, and 34 times on Geraldo
(who is himself rumored to be part
Italian) since December 1999?
Does anything except for
mediagenic "blondness" explain
the disparity between the
attention paid Little Elian and
that of golden girl JonBenet
Ramsey?
But there's a personal element to
our interest in this lad who
managed a feat that eluded
champion distance-swimmer Diana
Nyad (even when she was aided by
a shark-proof tank). As mostly
former child stars ourselves
— Suck's contributors
include six cast members of
Zoom, a couple of Sheens, no
fewer than eight castrati from
the first three generations of
Menudo, and several late-night
escapees from Art Linkletter's
TV Studio — we know what
it's like to be seared by the
klieg lights of fleeting fame
during the bed-wetting years.
Out of that sense of fraternity,
Suck has solicited advice from a
wide variety of former child
stars on how Little Elian might
best manage his 15 minutes
in the sun and the lucrative
cash and prizes such attention
inevitably brings.
These folks have been there and
done that: Although Little Elian
suffered merely a few days in
shark-infested waters where, it
so happens, he lost his mother,
these former stars journeyed to
hell and back on a Burbank back
lot, surviving puberty, parental
theft of earnings, and, all too
often, the rule of law. Whether
he ultimately stays in the
United States (where he'll
likely get a lifetime pass to
Walt Disney World) or returns to
Cuba (where he'll likely work
for a Disney-owned hotel in
Havana for US$4 a month once the
American boycott is lifted),
Little Elian would do well to
learn English and listen up.
Soleil Moon Frye (as TV's Punky
Brewster, opened the door for
succeeding figures of import
such as Mayim Bialik, TV's
Blossom; recipient of a widely
discussed breast-reduction that
helped make plastic surgery
acceptable for former child
stars and other Americans; the
subject of several cable
documentaries): "Little Elian,
keep your feet on the ground
while you reach for the stars.
And don't wait until puberty to
undergo elective cosmetic
surgery. By then, it's too
late."
Macaulay Culkin (won America's
heart as violent sociopath in
the Home Alone movies;
precociously shaved and screamed
in pain upon applying
aftershave; emancipated himself
from parents after disputes over
money; widely predicted to go on
murderous, multistate rampage by
the time he's 30; leading
candidate to play John Hinckley
Jr. and Mark David Chapman in
any made-for-TV movies): "Little
Elian, youth is wasted on the
middle-aged. If you do nothing
else, take the initiative now to
make more than one memorable
facial expression."
Corey Feldman (misshapen,
dwarfish star of Stand by Me and
other kid flicks; high-profile
young friend of Michael Jackson
— boasted of Neverland
stayovers and dressed and danced
like the King of Pop; divorced
parents over money issues;
recovering heroin addict with
jones for porno stars): "Little
Elian, real winners don't use
drugs. Don't believe anyone who
says they just want to sleep
with you."
Leif Garrett (played Felix
Unger's son on TV's Odd Couple;
inexplicably popular '70s
singing sensation; paralyzed
partying pal in drunk-driving
wreck; later reconciled with pal
on camera during a cable-TV
documentary; unapologetic
bandana-wearer into 21st
century): "Little Elian, keep on
rockin' in the free world. But
know when to say when."
Danny Bonaduce (played sardonic,
neckless sibling on TV's
Partridge Family; post-show
highlights include several drug
arrests, detox stints, and a
highly publicized arrest for
beating a transvestite
prostitute; reemerged in recent
years as radio disc jockey and
professional former child star):
"Little Elian, when you buy a
car, always check under the hood
before handing over the cash.
And remember, it doesn't matter
if they're laughing with you or
at you. As long as they're
laughing."
Gary Coleman (troll-like genetic
loser who starred on TV's
Diff'rent Strokes; post-show
highlights include learning that
parents and manager bilked him
out of millions and being
arrested for attacking a rare
autograph-seeking fan;
successfully refashioned himself
as a security guard and an
embittered former child star
available for demeaning cameo
roles): "Little Elian, the
measure of a man isn't his bank
account. It's his parents' bank
account."
Nick Gillespie is editor-in-chief of reason. This story originally appeared in Suck, and can be viewed in that format here.