The biggest winners, the biggest losers:

Winner: Robert Altman, for claiming the coveted "most applause during the death montage" award.

Loser: Errol Morris. First I thought: "Hey, they're opening the Oscars with a parody of those Errol Morris Apple ads." Then I thought: "Oh dear, they're opening the Oscars with a bad imitation of those Errol Morris Apple ads." Then came the horrible truth: That was Errol Morris.

Winner: Ennio Morricone, for delivering his acceptance speech in Italian. It would have been even cooler if no one had translated it.

Loser: Morricone again. You write the score to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, and they honor you with a performance by Celine Dion?

Winner: Jerry Seinfeld, for that face he made during Al Gore's public service announcement.

Loser: Melissa Etheridge. It's bad enough when your lyrics have to compete with some energy conservation tips floating around on a giant screen behind you while you play. It's even worse when it becomes clear that the tips are actually more interesting than the words to your godawful power ballad. Yes, I know she won the prize, but they usually give Best Song to the worst nominee anyway. She goes in the pity pile.

Winner: The Earth. Because Hollywood has finally licked global warming for once and for all.