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Jack Abramoff and Me

An incredibly nuanced and ethically unimpeachable disclaimer.

(Page 2 of 3)

SUPPLEMENTARY DECLARATION. To the best of my knowledge, I have never handled cash, whether in the form of coins or bills, that has passed through the hands of the scoundrel Jack Abramoff. Should I have handled any such cash, my doing so was unintentional and does not affect my deeply held moral position that Jack Abramoff is a scoundrel who should be hounded from civilization and then expelled beyond the borders of the known universe.

ADDITIONAL SUPPLEMENTARY DECLARATION. With the possible exception of Kirk Victor, one of National Journal's Capitol Hill reporters, who is thought to be capable of anything, to the best of my knowledge none of my colleagues on the staff of National Journal has received money or other considerations from the scoundrel Jack Abramoff in return for writing anything favorable about him, not that they would have been worth bribing, as I am. The staff of National Journal is made up of diligent, honest journalists who share my disgust and dismay at the disrepute that the scoundrel Abramoff has brought upon all of us in Washington with his deplorable shenanigans, with which we had nothing to do.

In particular, our staff of lobbying reporters has ascertained through an intensive self-investigation that none of its articles about the scoundrel Jack Abramoff ever said anything nice about him, or, if one did, this was entirely accidental and not the result of any considerations provided.

Finally, National Journal's reportorial staff has never traveled to any posh golf resorts at Jack Abramoff's expense, and does not even play golf, a sport now sadly stained by Jack Abramoff's patronage, from which we at National Journal unequivocally distance ourselves.

DISCLAIMER BY NATIONAL JOURNAL , ATLANTIC MEDIA, AND ALL AFFILIATED SUBSIDIARIES. Charles Green, the editor of the National Journal, John Fox Sullivan, its publisher, David G. Bradley, the chairman of Atlantic Media, and all their heirs and assigns do hereby warrant that they have received no considerations of any kind from Jack Abramoff, at least as far as they know, or alternatively as far as they are prepared to admit, and that they regard Jack Abramoff as a blight upon the human race who deserves no mercy from our nation's courts. They further warrant that they may play golf on occasion, but never on courses frequented by Jack Abramoff, or rarely on such courses, in which case never deliberately, or, if deliberately, not unethically.

CLARIFICATION OF DISCLAIMER BY NATIONAL JOURNAL , ATLANTIC MEDIA, AND ALL AFFILIATED SUBSIDIARIES. Management of National Journal stands firmly by the above statement, with the following emendation. After intensive self-investigation by the circulation department, it has come to our attention that National Journal's subscribers may at certain times have included the scoundrel Jack Abramoff, one or more of the firms or organizations with which he was at various times affiliated, or some of his lobbying clients.

National Journal wishes to inform its readers that it did absolutely nothing inappropriate or unethical with any subscription revenues from Jack Abramoff or his organizations or clients, and, because of this, all subscriptions belonging to Jack Abramoff or his organizations or clients will henceforth be free. We are on the level around here, and we do not want any of the scoundrel Jack Abramoff's evil, tainted money, so just keep it.

AMENDMENT TO ABOVE CLARIFICATION. On further review, it has come to the attention of National Journal that the above clarification may have been stated infelicitously. What National Journal meant by the above statement is that Jack Abramoff and his organizations and clients, on account of their deplorable behavior, must henceforth pay double if they wish to receive National Journal, and that all of these monies will be donated to charity.

ADJUSTMENT TO ABOVE AMENDMENT. On further review, National Journal has concluded that the above amendment was not worded as precisely as it might have been. The proper wording is as follows:

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