Let the Gaymes Begin

Ed Brayton of the terrific blog Dispatches from the Culture Wars has the find of the day, an hilarious goof from OneNewsNow, the news-ish publication of the American Family Association (AFA).  AFA apparently has implemented a policy of substituting "homosexual" whenever the word "gay" appears in wire stories that appear on its website.

That resulted in a fantastic write-up of this weekend's Olympic track and field trials, which were dominated by sprinter Tyson Gay.  AFA has since corrected the article, but before they did, it read like juicy, possibly libelous gay sports porn.  A few excerpts, courtesy of Brayton:

Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has.

His time of 9.68 seconds at the U.S. Olympic trials Sunday doesn't count as a world record, because it was run with the help of a too-strong tailwind. Here's what does matter: Homosexual qualified for his first Summer Games team and served notice he's certainly someone to watch in Beijing.

"It means a lot to me," the 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me."

[...]

Wearing a royal blue uniform with red and white diagonal stripes across the front, along with matching shoes, all in a tribute to 1936 Olympic star Jesse Owens, Homosexual dominated the competition. He started well and pulled out to a comfortable lead by the 40-meter mark.

This time, he kept pumping those legs all the way through the finish line, extending his lead. In Saturday's opening heat, Homosexual pulled way up, way too soon, and nearly was caught by the field, before accelerating again and lunging in for fourth place.

[...]

After the race, Homosexual and Dix looked at each other and slapped palms, then hugged.

Comments

Art-P.O.G. | June 30, 2008, 3:20pm | #

lol.

Art-P.O.G. | June 30, 2008, 3:21pm | #

Accidental Tom of Finland.

Tym | June 30, 2008, 3:22pm | #

It reminds me of when a newspaper, I think the NY Times? ran an article stating that "African American South Africans Get the Right to Vote", by blindly substituting African American for Black.

drawnasunder | June 30, 2008, 3:24pm | #

"Wearing a royal blue uniform with red and white diagonal stripes across the front, along with matching shoes"

Sounds pretty gay to me.

joe | June 30, 2008, 3:29pm | #

Tym,

My wife's company once sent out a proposal that included a statement that a team of African Americans would construct a scaffold.

The client asked, quite reasonably, why African Americans?

After some checking, the problem was traced to a typo in the word "riggers," and a proof-reader who made an executive decision.

Highway | June 30, 2008, 3:36pm | #

Last year, it was interesting to see how many people said that Lewis Hamilton was the first African-American to win a Formula 1 race. Except he wasn't. He's a black Brit. But those guys didn't have any other way to describe black people, apparently.

sixstring | June 30, 2008, 3:36pm | #

That's pretty rich, joe. I should show you some notes that have come home from school with my son. Or the time I used niggardly...

Nigel Watt | June 30, 2008, 3:41pm | #

That is awesome. Somebody who can access Fark needs to submit it.

Art-P.O.G. | June 30, 2008, 3:43pm | #

He's a black Brit. But those guys didn't have any other way to describe black people, apparently.

I guess not too many journalists use the term 'Black Diaspora'.

Art-P.O.G. | June 30, 2008, 3:45pm | #

Tyson Homosexual sounds like a character name in a Thomas Pynchon novel.

Happy Jack | June 30, 2008, 3:51pm | #

After the race, Homosexual and Dix looked at each other and slapped palms, then hugged.

For the win.

SugarFree | June 30, 2008, 3:53pm | #

"Yes, I only hunt Blaculas."

"So you only hunt African-American vampires?"

"No, sometimes I hunt British vampires. They don't have African-Americans in England."

"Yeah. Good point."

"So, I only hunt Blaculas."

"I was just trying to be..."

"Man, I specialize in hunting black vampires. I don't know what the PC name for that is!"

African-Asian-European-American | June 30, 2008, 3:55pm | #

The client asked, quite reasonably, why African Americans?

After some checking, the problem was traced to a typo in the word "riggers," and a proof-reader who made an executive decision.

Are you serious!? Rigger, please!

Matthew | June 30, 2008, 3:57pm | #

Oh man, that is just awesome.

/petards, hung by etc.

Scott | June 30, 2008, 3:59pm | #

Insert pole-vault joke here (or shot-put "man, look how far that last toss went" joke).

Folks!!

joe | June 30, 2008, 4:04pm | #

sixstring,

I can just picture the secretary there, at 5:02 PM. Someone said, "This has to go out tonight!" and dropped it on her desk, and no one who wrote the proposal is in the office.

What do I do? What do I do?

Reinmoose | June 30, 2008, 4:04pm | #

Homosexual and Dix

you just can't make that stuff up

J sub D | June 30, 2008, 4:07pm | #

I wonder how the good Reverend Wildmon, fouder of the AFA, would like it if some website automatically substituted "superstitious goombah" for Christian?

Chuck | June 30, 2008, 4:09pm | #

This time, he kept pumping those legs all the way through the finish line, extending his lead. In Saturday's opening heat, Homosexual pulled way up, way too soon, and nearly was caught by the field, before accelerating again and lunging in for fourth place.

Still...in...office.
Must...not...burst...out..in...shrieking laughter...BWAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Damn.

James Ard | June 30, 2008, 4:13pm | #

On back to back days my paper ran articles on a Hooker in the lady's hundred and a Gay taking the men's.

Icl | June 30, 2008, 4:18pm | #

Memphis Grizzlies have a player named Rudy Gay. They recently drafted a new player named Kevin Love. My local sports station is already talking about the possibility of Gay/Love combo.

Vanessa | June 30, 2008, 4:20pm | #

>>Last year, it was interesting to see how many people said that Lewis Hamilton was the first African-American to win a Formula 1 race. Except he wasn't. He was a black Brit.

Yep - I've seen this phenomenon before. It goes to show how language policing interferes with the ability to think, because people don't seem to catch their mistake when they do this.

Scott | June 30, 2008, 4:22pm | #

My local sports station is already talking about the possibility of Gay/Love combo

Take it to the hole.

Folks!!

David Weigel | June 30, 2008, 4:25pm | #

Sugarfree - How are you liking the new Venture Brothers season?

Hat Trick | June 30, 2008, 4:33pm | #

Anyone remember when the NFL's website had a list of words that could not be used in ordering a custom jersey? One of Patriot's cornerback Randall Gay's childhood teachers tried to order a jersey for her classroom and was told that she made an offensive request that could not be fulfilled.

Go NFL!

Scott | June 30, 2008, 4:46pm | #

Memphis Grizzlies have a player named Rudy Gay

Bet he's popular with the "Bear Community".

Folks!!

cgee | June 30, 2008, 4:47pm | #

Hey, it was an offensive request... you ever watch Randall Gay play corner?

Anita Dickens-Hyde | June 30, 2008, 4:47pm | #

What do you bet that Dick Van Dyke is glad that the AFA did not write about him. His name might have been listed as Penis Van Lesbian.

dhex | June 30, 2008, 4:49pm | #

I wonder how the good Reverend Wildmon, fouder of the AFA, would like it if some website automatically substituted "superstitious goombah" for Christian?

wildmon isn't an italian name, though. that makes no sense.

Taktix® | June 30, 2008, 4:49pm | #

One of Patriot's cornerback Randall Gay's childhood teachers tried to order a jersey for her classroom and was told that she made an offensive request that could not be fulfilled.

Why, was he from Cincinnati?

Zing!

joe | June 30, 2008, 4:52pm | #

Hey, it was an offensive request... you ever watch Randall Gay play corner?

Zing!

When you're a Jet, you're a Jet!

Monsyne Dragon | June 30, 2008, 4:58pm | #

Heh. I've seen this one before...
Atomic Bombers criticize Enola Homosexual exhibit

Scott | June 30, 2008, 5:01pm | #

Patriot's cornerback Randall Gay

One of the best man-on-man guys in the league.

Folks!!

Scott | June 30, 2008, 5:06pm | #

the 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me."

I'll bet.

Folks!!

Warren | June 30, 2008, 5:06pm | #

HA! Fags!

Shelby | June 30, 2008, 5:12pm | #

Memphis Grizzlies ... recently drafted a new player named Kevin Love.

Sadly for the humor potential, but happily for Kevin, he was traded the same night to the Minnesota T'wolves (who are even now running a "Feel the Love" logo on their homepage,http://www.nba.com/timberwolves/fans/welcome_kevin_love_interstitial_2008.html).
"Pekovic/Love" doesn't have quite the same zing...

John c jackson | June 30, 2008, 5:22pm | #

So, can Tyson Gay fucking sue these fucking idiots?

Dogzilla | June 30, 2008, 5:25pm | #

Can we replace "American Family Association" in all articles with "fucking idiots?"

First Little Pig | June 30, 2008, 6:32pm | #

I worked with a guy in a research department "Jose" and he was always late on deadlines for publication, making everyone from the editor to the research staff etc wait for him to finish (the rule was no one leaves until final copy had been reviewed and approved by all contributors). Publications went to the printer on Friday evening for Monday delivery and we would often be stuck at midnight (or later) waiting around on a Friday night.

One time the editor simply had it and stormed out leaving instructions to her lackey to take whatever drivel Jose had written up and send it to print.

Jose had done a last minute spell check and accidentally changed every incidence of "public" to "pubic" and since he was writing about public sector finance and accounting there were dozens of incidents of "pubic" throughout.

None of us read his article: we just wanted to make sure our own was ok and so thousands of these things went out to clients and elsewhere.

He was both livid and embarrassed on Monday morning when he found out and demanded an entire reprint. His boss simply laughed at him and said basically that it was his fault and henceforth he would have a personal deadline of the night before the usual deadline date. It made all of our lives much easier.

Warty | June 30, 2008, 6:54pm | #

If those fags at the American Family Association had any balls, they'd s/gay/sodomite instead of s/gay/homosexual. I mean, if you're going to sneer, sneer.

jtuf | June 30, 2008, 7:14pm | #

When I saw the headline, "Tyson Gay the fastest man on Earth", I thought they meant a gay in a town called Tyson.

The Winter Soldier | June 30, 2008, 7:41pm | #

My favourite humour story about a sprinter is still the one about the guy that got caught, by the owner, trying to break into Ben Johnson Ferrari. So what does the moron do, but tries to run away.

Douglas Fletcher | June 30, 2008, 7:53pm | #

Never mind.

SugarFree | June 30, 2008, 8:14pm | #

David Weigel,

Very happy so far. I like that it is actually developing an episode-to-episode plot line.

I bought the first T-shirt. Guild of Calamitous Intent logo.

Jon H | June 30, 2008, 9:50pm | #

"So, can Tyson Gay fucking sue these fucking idiots?"

And then, can Mike Tyson sue Tyson Gay? I mean, the last thing he wants to see in the sports section is "Tyson Gay".

Mike probably needs the money.

Someone Who Doesn't Want to Lose His Job | June 30, 2008, 10:47pm | #

Tyson Homosexual sounds like a character name in a Thomas Pynchon novel.

Or a character from one of Frank Miller's Martha Washington comics.

Davey C | July 1, 2008, 11:34am | #

What do you bet that Dick Van Dyke is glad that the AFA did not write about him. His name might have been listed as Penis Van Lesbian.

Brian Flanagan once wrote about this...

"Hey-nonny, ho-nonny,
Penis Van Lesbian
Entered the bus'ness that
no biz is like."

"Keen on increasing his
marketability,
he took on the stage name
of Dick Van Dyke."

Jilly | July 1, 2008, 1:33pm | #

I'm surprised the AP allows that.

Will | July 1, 2008, 5:45pm | #

If the story was "possibly libelous", are you saying that there is something WRONG with being homosexual, if that is African-Americaning his name? Or is being "gay" OK, but not homosexual? And anyway, when WAS the meeting that decided "gay" was now mandatory instead of pejorative? (The Mattachine Society wanted to sue a bar with a sign "If you are gay, please keep away.")