Goodbye Mike Johanns, Though We Hardly Knew You At All...

Stop the presses, at least if you're one of the six or seven last remaining farmers in America! Mike Johanns, who has been the secretary of Agriculture since 2004 (or is it since 1804?), is resigning his post.

Johanns, a former Nebraska governor, is expected to run for the Senate seat being vacated by Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Neb.), who is retiring from politics.

Please, Secretary Johanns (and former Gov. Johanns and future God-Emperor of Dune Johanns), just shut down the department as you leave--as Clarence Thomas asked, in reason in 1987, "Why do you need a Department of Agriculture?"--

But if you're not going to do that, then at least take that fucking Power Panther, the Ag Dept.'s idiotic mascot, back to the Cornhusker State with you.

Or at the very, very least, kill a different type of publicly funded cougar: John Cougar Mellencamp, whose Hoosier relatives soaked Uncle Sam for over a million bucks in farm subsidies.

Comments

Warren | September 20, 2007, 1:49pm | #

Please, Secretary Johanns (and former Gov. Johanns and future God-Emperor of Dune Johanns), just shut down the department as you leave.

Oh yes. Please oh please. Pretty please, with high fructose corn syrup on top. This would go so far in fixing what's wrong with our government. To paraphrase PJ O'Rourke: Here at last is a simple problem with a simple solution. Drag the entire USDA behind the barn and kill it with an ax.

Richard | September 20, 2007, 2:01pm | #

Definitely my favorite "God-Emperor of Dune" reference so far today.

Terry | September 20, 2007, 2:02pm | #

This is another case for the Libertarian militia. We need to assemble, go to the addresses, and to quote from Josey Walls,
"Make things right."(in a long southern drawl)
What do you say? I got my M1A springfield, my G-30 and ready to go.

BakedPenguin | September 20, 2007, 2:16pm | #

Or at the very, very least, kill a different type of publicly funded cougar: John Cougar Mellencamp, whose Hoosier relatives soaked Uncle Sam for over a million bucks in farm subsidies.

Cash on the scarecrow, blood money in the plow...

J sub D | September 20, 2007, 2:26pm | #

I'm normally very pro-American on things, but the Power Panther is one more piece of evidence the the Soviet gov't was WAY better at propaganda art..

gorgonzola's foil | September 20, 2007, 2:27pm | #

You scooped the Onion!

http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/mike_johanns_only_one

CornFed | September 20, 2007, 2:29pm | #

Shame on Y'all, while the big industrial farm lobby (Cargill, ADM, Etc) has done a remarkable job protecting their interests it no different than the special interest groups leaching onto any other branch of government.

The Dept. of Agriculture also helps the farmers who still work for a living on the land and if switchgrass, hemp or biomass take hold the Dept. of Ag may be the Dept. of Energy.

David | September 20, 2007, 2:50pm | #

I don't get it. If kids blindly follow the lead of cartoon mascots when it comes to cereal and cheetos, how come they're not eating right and playing hard?

J sub D | September 20, 2007, 2:55pm | #

I don't get it. If kids blindly follow the lead of cartoon mascots when it comes to cereal and cheetos, how come they're not eating right and playing hard?

Because our bureaucrats suck at it. No penalties for failure, no rewards for sucess.

Gilbert Martin | September 20, 2007, 3:27pm | #

"The Dept. of Agriculture also helps the farmers who still work for a living on the land..."

And just what is it about small family farms that make them any more desrving of subsidy than a small family owned hardware store, or grocery store or construction company, etc?

There is nothing sacred about the farm business that makes it "special" vs any other type of business that isn't getting all sorts of government subsidies.

Pro Libertate | September 20, 2007, 3:40pm | #

Replace him with Florida's Agriculture Commissioner, Charles Bronson. At least, you should do so unless you have some sort of death wish.

Alan Vanneman | September 20, 2007, 3:55pm | #

Excuse me, where are the pubic hair on my Coke can jokes? (And, Nick Gillespie, THAT'S why we need a Department of Agriculture!)

More on Mike | September 20, 2007, 3:59pm | #

As you might expect, I've covered Mike from a more serious perspective; see the link.

Reason should celebrate him, since at key points throughout his career he's been a strong supporter of corporatism.

7th Last Farmer | September 20, 2007, 4:15pm | #

I hope you all have the energy to talk shit when we have no domestic farming and the Australians and Canadians cut off our wheat supply.

I HATE subsidies, but sometimes the Reason people sound like they have no use for farmers. Just silly....

J sub D | September 20, 2007, 4:32pm | #

I HATE subsidies, but sometimes the Reason people sound like they have no use for farmers. Just silly....

Nah, we love the capitalist, independent farmer who is a key cog in the economic system that puts food on our plates. In fact, most of us are willing to actually pay for food.

Seriously, I wish ample rain at appropriate times for you.

Gilbert Martin | September 20, 2007, 4:57pm | #

"I hope you all have the energy to talk shit when we have no domestic farming and the Australians and Canadians cut off our wheat supply."

And who says we wouldn't have any domestic farming absent subsidies?

Pro Libertate | September 20, 2007, 5:59pm | #

Is it so cunning you could brush your teeth with it?

Pro Libertate | September 20, 2007, 9:02pm | #

I'll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship.

Aresen | September 20, 2007, 11:51pm | #

The horse confessed!