Build a Better Condom and the World Will [Censored] a [Censored] to Your [Censored]

A Saturday morning cartoon is completely out of the question.Credit: Onime, dreamstime.comSome folks have decided to approach resistance to using condoms during sex by calling on the power of the government to mandate it. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, though, is pursuing a different path. The foundation is incentivizing the development of a better condom with a $100,000 grant.

Their foundation blog explains why better condoms are so important to improving public health:

It may seem obvious, but the success and impact of any public health tool hinges on that tool being used consistently and correctly by those who need it.  Vaccines sitting on shelves don’t prevent disease.  New tuberculosis drug regimens won’t help if patients stop taking them halfway through the necessary days.  Likewise, the potential value of condoms is limited by inconsistent use. 

Women, particularly those in high risk groups such as commercial sex workers, often face difficulties negotiating condom use; the fact that the term “condom negotiation” even exists and is so common in discussions about HIV prevention or reproductive health speaks to the central shortcoming of our current generation of condoms. The undeniable, and unsurprising, truth is that most men prefer sex without a condom, while the risks related to HIV infection and complications of unplanned pregnancy are disproportionately borne by their partners.

While they note other innovations currently in research to help prevent disease transmission and unwanted pregnancy, their focus for this Grand Challenge of Global Health is to specifically focus on condoms.

You can read the guidelines and what they will or will not consider (such as banana subsidies for sex-ed classes) here. Long ago, I wondered if condom companies should use the Starbucks system of sizing their products so that every man was left with the impression he was larger than usual and thus get an ego boost every time he bought them. I think, though, condom companies have already figured that trick out.

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  • Fist of Etiquette||

    I don't think I like condoms and moustraps being used interchangeably.

  • Way Of The Crane||

    Is that a rodent in your pocket...?

  • ||

    If by rodent you mean Gerbil, then yes.

  • ||

    OT: David Ranta, man convicted in 1990 rabbi murder freed from prison

    A man who spent more than two decades behind bars for the cold-blooded slaying of a Brooklyn rabbi was released Thursday into the arms of his weeping relatives after a reinvestigation by prosecutors cast serious doubt on evidence used to convict him.

    "Sir, you are free to go," a judge told a smiling, white-haired David Ranta moments after prosecutors announced they supported tossing out the 1991 conviction.

    Ranta's pregnant daughter - a 2-year-old when he was jailed - sisters and other supporters burst into applause and swarmed him as he walked out of the courtroom. His parents had died while he was in prison.

    "I'm overwhelmed," the 58-year-old Ranta told reporters. "I feel like I'm under water, swimming."
  • ||

    Weird, I thought I was posting this in the AM links. Oh well.

  • Harvard||

    I just assumed you were illustrating how Ranta was fucked for 20 years.

  • sarcasmic||

    It was. I put it there.

  • ||

    Well screw your early-rising fingers.

  • ||

    Just be sure to use a condom.

  • Ted Levy||

    "Long ago, I wondered if condom companies should use the Starbucks system of sizing their products"

    By describing men's penile size in Italian?

  • Rich||

    "That's a latte penis you got there, buddy."

  • Paul.||

    I'll take a Venti.

  • ||

    A skin piccolo?

  • Fatty Bolger||

    Long ago, I wondered if condom companies should use the Starbucks system of sizing their products so that every man was left with the impression he was larger than usual and thus get an ego boost every time he bought them.

    That reminds me, time to pick up another case of Trojan Double-Magnum XXXXXL VagBusters.

  • Jordan||

    Nobody needs more than 7 inches. Turn in your assault penis.

  • Loki||

    All penises are assault penises. Because all sex is sexual assault. Therefor all men should be required to undergo surgery to reduce their penis size to 7 inches if need be and register as sex offenders. /Jezebel "logic"

  • ||

    You just HAD to give them the idea, didn't you?

  • Zeb||

    What about gay sex?

  • Geoff Nathan||

    Thread winner!

  • sarcasmic||

    It's black with a pistol grip! Definitely an assault penis!

  • LTC(ret) John||

    Folding stock? Barrel Shroud?!!!

  • R C Dean||

    They size them now as much as the market will bear; its just that (a) nobody wants to take a box of Trojan Micros up to the register and (b) they have to use euphemisms.

  • Fatty Bolger||

    What we really need is shrink-to-fit condoms. However, the current technology has some drawbacks.

  • Paul.||

    nobody wants to take a box of Trojan Micros up to the register

    Never slowed Episiarch down.

  • ||

    "Oops, I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong."

  • ||

    A few years ago I was standing in line at the register and a fellow walked up to the end of the line and reached, keeping a box of trojan magnums with the text upright and eye level, across the entire line to hand them to his GF who was at the front of the line. And then he walked past us all to join her.

    I snickered. Asshole should've kept me out of his ego inflating head games.

  • Jordan||

    My bad, man.

  • Jerry on the boat||

    Trojan Double-Magnum XXXXXL VagBusters

    No homo.

  • ||

    Condoms are horrible, evil little nasty things. Fuck condoms. They're so bad that even monogamy is better than them. Fuck condoms.

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    "even monogamy is better than them."

    The H&R vibe is best summarized by the fact that it's Warty who stands up for traditional sexual morality.

  • ||

    I'm sure it's just really expensive for him to put a jimmy hat on each and every one of his tentacles.

  • ||

    Oh man, you never stop being retarded. Keep 'em coming, moron.

  • LTC(ret) John||

    "Fuck condoms."

    Well, they are used for just that... but if that is where the exercise starts and ends, ur doin' it wrong.

  • Rasilio||

    "The undeniable, and unsurprising, truth is that most men prefer sex without a condom"

    In my experience so do most women, in fact every single woman I have discussed the issue with (admittedly not very many) has said that they hate using condoms because it doesn't feel as good too.

  • Rights-Minimalist Autocrat||

    You beat me to that by one minute. I've had the same experience.

  • ||

    Of course. Condoms are pure evil. It's like putting saran wrap on your tongue and then eating; nothing is going to taste good, because it's all blocked. It's the crudest possible form of contraception.

  • Paul.||

    It's like taking a bath with your socks on.

  • ||

    I remember the first time I got laid, and my emotions going from, "Fuck yeah, I'm about to get laid!" as I put on the condom, to "FUCK YEAH!!!!" as I stuck it in, to "...wait...what the fucking fuck??" as I realized the horror that is condoms. Fuck condoms.

  • Fatty Bolger||

    I imagined Warty actually saying that stuff out loud instead of thinking it and couldn't stop laughing.

  • Certified Public Asskicker||

    Hmm, even with a condom on, my first time ended as soon as I got it in.

  • Harvard||

    She screamed SLOW! Could of swore she said GO!

    WTF, we both start at the same time. If she can't keep up, well......

  • ||

    It's always so bizarre to hear straight people talk about condom use. It's always discussed in terms of contraception, but not in terms of disease prevention.

    "We don't need a condom, I'm on the pill"

  • ||

    Do you really think I was fucking any girls that had diseases? My skank-o-meter is very good at picking out the girls who were disease free, so really, pregnancy was a much bigger issue. In one case, you get a shot and clear it all up, in the other case you're paying child support for 18 years. It's sort of a big deal.

  • ||

    Of course you were fucking girls with diseases. What other kind of skank would let someone like you fuck her?

  • LTC(ret) John||

    "commercial sex workers"?

  • Harvard||

    When you think about it, they're merely "care givers' with a specialty.

  • Loki||

    Women, particularly those in high risk groups such as commercial sex workers, often face difficulties negotiating condom use

    Why the hell would any dude want to sick his unwrapped dick into a prostitute? Considering how many have, well, come before you (literally) should be more than enough motivation.

  • sarcasmic||

    The polyurethane ones are almost tolerable when compared to latex.

  • ||

    Yeah, I prefer the polyisoprene ones to latex. They're a hell of a lot thinner. Also I enjoy the sad face guys make when they try to claim a latex allergy, and I tell them that I'm packing hypoallergenic condoms.

  • Certified Public Asskicker||

    My wife and I use condoms for pregnancy prevention. Why? I realized she was fucking insane on the pill.

    Now she is less fucking insane. I kid, she is great now, but seriously, she was a different person on the pill.

  • sarcasmic||

    Do you plan to have children? If not then one of you should get yourself fixed. Then you won't have to wrap it anymore.

    =-)

  • Certified Public Asskicker||

    We have a son, I want one more she wants at least two more.

  • sarcasmic||

    Gotcha. My wife came with two, and we had a third together. She then got herself fixed. No more condoms! Hooray!

  • Zeb||

    IUDs are also pretty great.

  • ||

    Have you guys considered trying the NuvaRing? Because it's hormones directly on her lady bits it comes in a lower dosage. I know a few people who have had problems with the pill and are happy with the NuvaRing.

  • ||

    Why do you know about lady bits? You pervert.

  • ||

    Female friends consider me a "safe" confidant. Sticking fingers in my ears and going "LALALALA I don't want to hear about your clitoral hood" has not discouraged this habit.

    Also I work with a urology QME, I would have tales to tell were I not bound by HIPAA.

    Oh and also I'm a pervert.

  • Certified Public Asskicker||

    We haven't. I suppose I could look into it.

    I also should have mentioned we use a combination of the calendar/condom method. So I do get some unfiltered action occasionally.

  • Harvard||

    [Now she is less fucking insane.]

    If I read this right, she is an insane fuck on the pill, not so much with the hardware?

    I'd be plying this bitch with Ortho-Novum mickeys.

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