New at Reason: The Herman Cain Candidate Profile

Not sure who to commit to in the Republican primary race? Let Reason help you out.

Picking a presidential candidate is like sorting through online dating profiles—nobody's quite right, but once a meet-cute is out of the question, the best you can hope for is to pick a mate out of a self-selected digital lineup. Today we’re focusing on Herman Cain. We’ve got his horoscope, his nick-name, and his positions on the major issues facing the country.

Click here to find out if Herman Cain is the match for you!

Editor's Note: We invite comments and request that they be civil and on-topic. We do not moderate or assume any responsibility for comments, which are owned by the readers who post them. Comments do not represent the views of Reason.com or Reason Foundation. We reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason at any time. Report abuses.

  • Jerry||

    Great timing.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    Same thought I had.

  • Tim||

    With friends like these...

  • Supreme Generalissimo Fluffy||

    And if Herman Cain ain't the best match for you, just hang around a while, bitch, and let him pinch your ass a bit. Then see how you feel.

  • Ahnold Swartzenhager||

    Really. It's no big deal.

  • WWNGD||

    'cause all those black guys like pinchin' ass. Just look at Justice Thomas.

  • Bill Clinton||

    I can teach you how to handle the merchandise without costly court proceedings!

  • Live Free or Diet||

    Use the humidor I sent ya Bill. It's prettier than Monica and your cigar won't smell funny.

  • T||

    I need a better singing voice in my candidate, thanks.

    Less grabby might be nice, too.

  • ||

    Cain should make his campaign theme song "Twist of Cain" by Danzig.

  • Supreme Generalissimo Fluffy||

    Not Superfreak?

    "I'm Herman Cain, bitch!"

    Thank you thank you thank you, I'm here all week. Try the veal!

  • ||

    He is the closest thing we have to a Rick James candidate. Look for the Charlie Murphy endorsement to come in the near future.

  • ||

    "Things escalated to the point where, you know, my man got too familar and I'd ended up having to whoop his ass, man, you know. Because he would step across the line. Habitually, he's a habitual linestepper."

  • BakedPenguin||

    "Pizza is a helluva food."

  • ||

    RICK JAMES: See, I never just did things just to do them, c'mon I mean, what I'm gonna do just all of the sudden just jump up and grind my feet in somebody's couch like it's something to do? Come on, I got a little more sense than that. . . .Yeah, I remember grinding my feet into Eddie's couch.

    OFF SCREEN INTERVIEWER: You remember why you did it?

    RICK JAMES: 'Cause Eddie could buy another one.

  • John Tagliaferro||

    On the Herman Cain sexual harassment story, other outlets were able to dig up more information.

  • Cole||

    He mentioned his wife to a female co-worker? I doubt he's going to be able to recover from a scandal like that.

  • Gimlet||

    He said she was the same height as his wife while holding his hand at chin level.

    If that gesture doesn't scream "Blow Me, Bitch, Until I Get Around To Fucking Your Pretty Round Ass", I don't know what does.

  • ||

    If that gesture doesn't scream "Blow Me, Bitch, Until I Get Around To Fucking Your Pretty Round Ass", I don't know what does.

    I imagine "Blow me bitch until I get around to fucking your pretty round ass" says that.

    saying someone's short isn't normally considered sexual harassment unless that's what she was looking for.

  • Gimlet||

    Sarcasm is often Lost In Translation.

  • ||

    indeed, it often is, hence the /sarc tag.

  • ||

    Dude, reset the sarc meter. This was obviously sarcasm, and pretty funny sarcasm at that.

    +1 to Gimlet

  • AlmightyJB||

    At least he wasn't holding his hand at waist level.

  • ||

    I think when and if the facts come out, the whole thing is just going to show how rediculously easy it was to get paid for a harassment claim in the 1990s.

  • ||

    I wonder what happened that changed that? Something during the Clinton administration....

  • John Tagliaferro||

    The thing is, the entirety of MSM Socialism is a series of sideshows. The Upcoming Ice Age Global Warming Climate Change sideshow has been a running gag for decades. As has Richard Nixon starting the Vietnam War, FDR ending the Great Depression, Republicans wanting a return to conscription, Communism is opposite of Fascism, and Lee Harvey Oswald was a Right-Winger.

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    Tonight, at the Mid-South Fairgrounds, opening for Mini Kiss, the Herman Cain Candidate Profile!

  • Birdie||

    Editor: What do you have to offer us, Mr. Frum?

    Frum: I have two decades of experience . . .

    Editor: Do I need to repeat my self? I'm aware of your 'credentials' amongst the righties.

    Frum: Please. No one on the right will listen to me anymore. I advocate Keynesian industrial policy, and they just turn that backs on me.

    Editor: I'm waiting.

    Frum: Please. You don't know how bad it is out there. It's dog eat dog. I beg you, I don't want go back to selling my ass . . . .

    Editor: Quiet! This is just too pathetic. No, don't speak. Bring us the head of Hermann Cain, and you've got the job.

    Frum: Yes. Yes. I can do that!

    Editor: Please don't speak to me. Just do it.

  • National Post||

    And what a piece of ass he is!

  • ||

    "crack down on the laws against illegal drug use,"

    That is an amazing quote, can be read/misread any which way you like.

  • Carneggy Melon||

    FWIW, Cain is not Abel.

  • ||

    Well played, sir. I can't believe this is the first place I've heard that.

  • Colin||

    Actually, I believe Dennis Miller's been using a variation of it for a while.

  • Gimlet||

  • Mr. Mark||

    Yes.

    I would vote for him in the primary - because, it seems like everybody I can't stand can't stand Herman Cain. So, out of a malicious, vindictive, scornful desire to annoy the people who annoy me, absolutely, yes - I would vote for Herman Cain.

  • ||

    you know who else they probably hate...

  • Mr. Mark||

    Hopefully me - I try my best, but I have nowhere near the exposure that Cain does.

  • anon||

    Oh the hilarity of people recognizing themselves over legit libertarian candidates.

  • RoboCain||

    Shares a birthday with Ted Nugent?

    If that's not a reason to close banks and schools, I don't know what is.

  • RoboCain||

    Shares a birthday with Ted Nugent?

    If that's not a reason to close banks and schools, I don't know what is.

  • BakedPenguin||

    Cain's real problem was where he chose to do it, He should have harassed those women at some occupy event.

  • Gimlet||

    *golf clap*

  • ||

    He might have been mildly chided then...OMG.

  • Gimlet||

    FLASHLIGHTS!

  • BakedPenguin||

    No jazz hands for Herman.

  • PantsFan||

    Fleshlights!

  • Colin||

    We’ve got his horoscope, his nick-name, and his positions

    What about his sexual positions?

  • ||

    Rolled, spun, and flattened...with extra cheese.

  • PantsFan||

    Did you mention the smoking?

  • anon||

    My god, first smoking and now A SEXUAL HARASSMENT CLAIM!?!? How will he ever survive!

  • WWNGD||

    If only he was a democrat then we could scream "No big deal" and "The racists don't like him."

  • Supreme Generalissimo Fluffy||

    http://www.politico.com/news/s.....67259.html

    The restaurant association HR person says Cain is lying when he claims that she ran the investigation. She says she never heard anything about it.

  • Appalachian Australian||

    An HR chief who has no idea about a sexual harassment claim & settlement against the head of an organisation is a pretty lousy HR chief.

  • Supreme Generalissimo Fluffy||

    I think it's pretty likely that she got this phone call from a reporter and instinctively lied to try to cover for an old contact/boss.

    "What? Why OF COURSE there were no complaints against him while I was there!"

    ******

    "Wait, what's that? He already admitted there were complaints and said I investigated them for him? Oops there goes the doorbell, gotta go!"

    Click.

    Of course, this means that tomorrow when all of a sudden her story changes to, "Oh wait, NOW I remember - yeah, I investigated those complaints and they were baseless!" we should take it with a grain of salt.

  • Alan||

    Not impressed - except for his pledge to sign no bill more than three pages long.

    That's probably a bit too prohibitive, but a pledge to sign no bill more than ten pages long would be a good idea. The idea that our "representatives" are passing laws that they haven't even read is just bizarre.

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