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Mr. Whipple Was a Plush Toilet Paper Pushing Anti-Environmental Fiend
Mild mannered grocer Mr. Whipple was
constantly trying to prevent his customers from copping a
surrepititious feel of the Charmin toilet paper. But it wasn't
their fault -- shoppers found the plush TP irresistably soft. In
addition, by stocking such an addictive product, Mr. Whipple was,
in fact, a toilet tissue pusher. Now, it turns out that Mr. Whipple
was killing the planet too. As the Washington Post
explains:
It is a fight over toilet paper: the kind that is blanket-fluffy and getting fluffier so fast that manufacturers are running out of synonyms for "soft" (Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is the first big brand to go three-ply and three-adjective).
It's a menace, environmental groups say -- and a dark-comedy example of American excess.
The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old. They want Americans, like Europeans, to wipe with tissue made from recycled paper goods.
It has been slow going. Big toilet-paper makers say that they've taken steps to become more Earth-friendly but that their customers still want the soft stuff, so they're still selling it....
"It's like the Hummer product for the paper industry," said Allen Hershkowitz, senior scientist with the Natural Resources Defense Council. "We don't need old-growth forests . . . to wipe our behinds."
But the battle against plush TP is just the latest front in the potty war. Not satisfied with their low-flush toilet victory, some green activists now want to ban all flush toilets as menaces to the planet.
Go here for whole Washington Post article on the dangers of plush TP.
Tomcat1066|9.28.09 @ 2:22PM|#
If Europe wants to rip their assholes open with recycled TP, then more power to them. But they can get my soft stuff when they pry it from my cold, dead hands!
|9.28.09 @ 2:27PM|#
New and Improved Quilted Northern Ultra Plush Bathroom Tissue!
Now made exclusively from old growth trees and baby spotted owl
down!
Because your sphincter deserves the very best.
|9.28.09 @ 2:31PM|#
Where's the love for the bidet?
No, no. The Planet demands that we cut down on our water use, so
the bidet is right out.
|9.28.09 @ 2:32PM|#
Next time you find yourself entranced by the winsome charms of a
hippie girl, keep in mind that she's probably not wiping her ass
very well. Those not deterred by this thought need to get some
help.
And now a word from Terence Howard....
John Tagliaferro|9.28.09 @ 2:33PM|#
The Planet demands that we cut down on our water use, so the
bidet is right out.
And warm water increases your carbon assprint.
|9.28.09 @ 2:34PM|#
I think its excellent that they are using 'old growth' trees to
make their TP.
'Old growth' trees tend to be a major cause of and fuel for fires,
since they are more easily combustible. The big wild fires you
always hear about in places like California, which hurt the
environment by releasing tons of carbon into the atmosphere and
destroying younger trees, are examples of such fires. So I say,
have at 'em.
Buy more TP... Save more trees.
Gilbert Martin|9.28.09 @ 2:34PM|#
I recommend that all the eco-socialist wackoes be required to use sandpaper to wipe their butts.
|9.28.09 @ 2:34PM|#
This issue (which would be hilarious if not for the fact the Watermelons are actually very serious about this) demonstrates just how irrelevant certain religious (Gaia worshipers) groups feel after some of the important issues have been or are being addressed by the mainstream, ever finding more insignificant problems to focus their attention on, just to feel important.
John Tagliaferro|9.28.09 @ 2:36PM|#
I recommend that all the eco-socialist wackoes be required
to use sandpaper to wipe their butts.
That's what they are wanting the rest of us to use. That new tree
splinter stuff.
Alan Vanneman|9.28.09 @ 2:39PM|#
Sorry, but chicks won't date a guy who doesn't have Downy Extra-Soft. (At least, they won't date me.) I'd rather get laid than get green.
|9.28.09 @ 2:40PM|#
"I use John Wayne brand toilet paper! The toilet paper that don't take shit off nobody!"
Spoonman|9.28.09 @ 2:40PM|#
Lumber is a renewable resource.
Also, wet wipes are 9 million times better than anything dry.
|9.28.09 @ 2:41PM|#
What is this fascination with "Old Growth"
anyhow?
Little trees are hard to hug.
|9.28.09 @ 2:42PM|#
So to recap - an environmentalist group says that using
old-growth forests to create extra-plush toilet paper is wasteful
and urges companies to make their practices more environmentally
friendly. They've convinced several companies to change their
practices to become greener.
Libertarians decide that defending the practice on its merits is
too much work and just mock the effort.
How exactly is this libertarian? Are we in favor of bringing market
pressures to bear only when we particularly like the outcome? And
what exactly requires free market proponents to dislike
environmentalism again? I don't see anything substantive in favor
of government regulation anywhere in that article.
|9.28.09 @ 2:44PM|#
I'm shocked to find there's no blog dedicated to the shit
smeared anuses of celebrity environmentalists.
Market failure.
Tomcat1066|9.28.09 @ 2:48PM|#
I don't see anything substantive in favor of government
regulation anywhere in that article.
Yet.
With these whack jobs, it's only a matter of time.
|9.28.09 @ 2:52PM|#
And I'm sure the early articles about CFL bulbs v. incandescent bulbs made no mention of legislation either.
Abdul|9.28.09 @ 2:56PM|#
RB is shilling for Big Corn Husk.
I was thinking "shilling for Big Ass," but yours works too.
Besides, I don't want Mr. Bailey to have to post a disclosure that
potentially embarasses Mrs. Bailey.
Who, I'm sure, is callipygous.
|9.28.09 @ 2:58PM|#
And what exactly requires free market proponents to dislike
environmentalism again?
I am all in favor of efficient use of resources.
That means not selling lumber rights too cheaply to your favorite
lobbyists, and it also means not imposing regulations which promote
inefficiency to satisfy an emotional appeal to some
Bambi-based cartoon view of the "virgin wilderness".
Naga Sadow|9.28.09 @ 2:58PM|#
They're whining about toilet paper now? Honestly . . . I'm okay with that. It means they don't have their eye on crushing my gas guzzling V8 into a recyclable cube for the "enviroment". That's a good thing.
|9.28.09 @ 2:59PM|#
And tell the pleasant prince this mock of his
Hath turn'd his balls to gun-stones; and his soul
Shall stand sore charged for the wasteful vengeance
That shall fly with them: for many a thousand widows
Shall this his mock mock out of their dear husbands;
Mock mothers from their sons, mock castles down;
And some are yet ungotten and unborn
That shall have cause to curse the Dauphin's scorn.
But this lies all within the will of God,
To whom I do appeal; and in whose name
Tell you the Dauphin I am coming on,
To venge me as I may and to put forth
My rightful hand in a well-hallow'd cause.
So get you hence in peace; and tell the Dauphin
His jest will savor but of shallow wit,
When thousands weep more than did laugh at it.
Naga Sadow|9.28.09 @ 2:59PM|#
Or the rocket car Pro Lib's been working on that no one is supposed to know about . . . oops!
Naga Sadow V|9.28.09 @ 3:01PM|#
What do I send unto you eviro-wackos! Defiance! Scorn! Add unto that contempt and slight regard!
|9.28.09 @ 3:05PM|#
Quote the whole thing, man, so you can say "womby vaultages" in
context:
Scorn and defiance; slight regard, contempt,
And any thing that may not misbecome
The mighty sender, doth he prize you at.
Thus says my king; an' if your father's highness
Do not, in grant of all demands at large,
Sweeten the bitter mock you sent his majesty,
He'll call you to so hot an answer of it,
That caves and womby vaultages of France
Shall chide your trespass and return your mock
In second accent of his ordnance.
Barney Rubble|9.28.09 @ 3:05PM|#
I was told that old growth trees are primarily used for lumber,
and the tp manaufacture is a byproduct of the cutting of said
lumber. It makes sense to me- why grind up an entire tree of that
size just for tp?
But I have no pupils, so I could be wrong...
John Tagliaferro|9.28.09 @ 3:08PM|#
They're whining about toilet paper now? Honestly . . . I'm
okay with that. It means they don't have their eye on crushing my
gas guzzling V8 into a recyclable cube for the "enviroment". That's
a good thing.
Thought you used rice paper? They are still watching you!
|9.28.09 @ 3:11PM|#
Re: Jasdas
So to recap - an environmentalist group says that using
old-growth forests to create extra-plush toilet paper is
wasteful.
That's what THEY say - whether this is true or not is another
matter.
Libertarians decide that defending the practice on its merits
is too much work and just mock the effort.
This is a strawman argument and fallacious. The argument is that
the reasoning behind wanting to ban toilet paper is based on
unconvincing premises and bad reasoning. First, the idea that "old
growth" trees are being used for toilet paper is a red herring -
what's "old growth"? Who decides which tree is "old growth" and
which is not? That concept is entirely in the eye of the
beholder.
Are we in favor of bringing market pressures to bear only when
we particularly like the outcome?
Of course - would you plunk down money for an outcome you would NOT
like? I don't.
And what exactly requires free market proponents to dislike
environmentalism again?
I can only speak of myself, but what I abhor about
environmentalists is their penchant for utilizing the coercive
forces of the State to impose their beliefs on other people,
instead of placing more effort on convincing and proselytizing
directly to people.
I don't see anything substantive in favor of government
regulation anywhere in that article.
You're reading the wrong magazine - few will ever advocate for
government coercion here.
|9.28.09 @ 3:13PM|#
It's public domain, dude. Francis Bacon's been dead for
centuries.
How about the government send each citizen a paper copy of the
entire Code of Federal Regulations each year? That should meet the
TP needs of America. Yes, I'm talking about nationalizing the
toilet paper industry, but some of these things are too important
to leave to the all-too-efficient private sector.
|9.28.09 @ 3:14PM|#
Womby vaultages are too precious to be controlled by one man! They must be accessible to everyone.
John Tagliaferro|9.28.09 @ 3:16PM|#
few will ever advocate for government coercion
here.
I will. The enviromentalists should be jailed in Guantanamo until
the end of the enviro wars.
|9.28.09 @ 3:17PM|#
How about the government send each citizen a paper copy of
the entire Code of Federal Regulations each year? That should meet
the TP needs of America.
I'm full of shit, but not that full.
|9.28.09 @ 3:17PM|#
I agree. Womby vaultages used to be a French monopoly, but Henry V liberated them and made them available to all mankind.
Naga Sadow|9.28.09 @ 3:20PM|#
Womby vaultages used to be a French monopoly, but Henry V
liberated them and made them available to all mankind
Huh. I may have missed that in the history books. I should learn to
pay better attention.
New World Dan|9.28.09 @ 3:20PM|#
As I understand it, most paper products come from pulpwood - smaller hardwood trees that are unsuitable for lumber. They get harvested to leave more room for higher quality trees to grow. Also, it's mostly weed species that no one wants for lumber anyway - aspen, cottonwood and the like.
Channeling Sandi|9.28.09 @ 3:20PM|#
"Not satisfied with their low-flush toilet victory, some green
activists now want to ban all flush toilets as menaces to the
planet. "
Let's do the eco-friendly thing here and just shit in their mouths.
That way, we're all doing our part.
Jozef|9.28.09 @ 3:21PM|#
I still remember back during communism, when the supply was off
(we did have two huge toilet paper shortages in the 80s, courtesy
of central planning of output), the only toilet paper still
available had a texture like baking paper, only more slippery. We
rather opted for regular office paper than that...
Of course, it's not that bad in Europe anymore, but that taught me
to appreciate the soft and fluffy paper available in the US.
New World Dan|9.28.09 @ 3:22PM|#
Also, the bidet should be standard on toilets. If nothing else, it would save me half a roll after eating buffalo wings.
Zeb|9.28.09 @ 3:22PM|#
Old growth forest does mean something. It is forested land that
has never been clear cut. It is not such a difficult concept.
That said, no one is cutting down old growth forests to make
TP.
Paper companies tend to own the land they use for raw materials and
are very good at re planting. There are more trees now in the US
than there have been for a century or two.
John Tagliaferro|9.28.09 @ 3:25PM|#
Let's do the eco-friendly thing here and just shit in their
mouths. That way, we're all doing our part.
That was part of my Guantanimo solution.
At least these enviroids did not come out with "the emerging world
does not have good toilet paper because Americans are using it all
up" yet.
|9.28.09 @ 3:35PM|#
Zeb,
Generally agree with you on all, but still the concept of Old
Growth is subjective and arbitrary, not to mention irrelevant if
property rights are protected.
I prefer to use wipes - they're comfy.
Naga Sadow|9.28.09 @ 3:54PM|#
Pro Lib, you fool! You're gonna doom the human race! Read this article!
Naga Sadow|9.28.09 @ 3:56PM|#
Warty,
That sounds awful . . . for your anus that is. How do you get rid
of excess hair clinging to your anus? It would itch
unmercifully!
Naga Sadow|9.28.09 @ 3:59PM|#
SugarFree,
You garbled the message. Don't you mean no anus is to awful for
Warty?
|9.28.09 @ 4:02PM|#
Figures. We'll turn to nanobots to solve our ass-wiping needs, and they'll turn us into zombies.
Naga Sadow|9.28.09 @ 4:12PM|#
Good point SugarFree. Maybe that's why Warty's an anal rapist .
. . he's projecting.
Pro Lib,
Yup. Doom will be upon us. Honestly, I don't know how you keep up
the enthusiasm for the future the way you do. You're like A boy
and his dog. Where you're searching for awesome technology
instead of women to rape.
|9.28.09 @ 4:17PM|#
Naga, your science fiction lackwittage is embarrassing all of us. Don Johnson didn't rape her... he killed her, butchered her, cooked her and fed her to his dog. Try not to be so sensationalistic.
alan|9.28.09 @ 4:17PM|#
Libertarians decide that defending the practice on its merits is
too much work and just mock the effort.
How exactly is this libertarian? Are we in favor of bringing market
pressures to bear only when we particularly like the
outcome?
What the fuck ever, leafwiper. I would dismiss this as harmless nut
ball nonsense if the low flush toilet wasn't a legal mandated
sanction against living the good life.
alan|9.28.09 @ 4:20PM|#
which got passed through several layers of democratic government even though nobody but the fucking Greens wanted it.
Urkobold™|9.28.09 @ 4:25PM|#
FOOLS! WHY DO YOU AVOID THE OBVIOUS TECHNOLOGICAL
SOLUTION?
FRICTIONLESS ASSES!
alan|9.28.09 @ 4:27PM|#
Who sez they use toilets? They allow us to use no flush and low pressure out of their deep well of campassion, but the enviro leaf wipers make the ultimate sacrifice to Gaia, the compost squat.
|9.28.09 @ 4:29PM|#
the low flush toilet wasn't a legal mandated sanction
against living the good life.
That brings back fond memories of a toilet I had in a pre-war
bungalow outside of Chicago. You could have flushed a corpse down
that thing.
Err, that's what I read somewhere, anyway.
|9.28.09 @ 4:31PM|#
If we don't go back to using outhouses, and communal corncobs, THE PLANET WILL DIE!!!
alan|9.28.09 @ 4:34PM|#
Urkobold™ | September 28, 2009, 4:25pm | #
FOOLS! WHY DO YOU AVOID THE OBVIOUS TECHNOLOGICAL SOLUTION?
FRICTIONLESS ASSES!
I let a rather kinky girlfriend shave my ass one time. The feeling
between my cheeks was just too clammy to want to ever do it again,
and the squeaky sounds that her strap on made were just so
hilarious, they killed the romantic mood of the moment.
So, no go with the no friction asses.
|9.28.09 @ 4:40PM|#
Old growth timer IS NOT used to toilet paper. They use wood from
farmed birch or beech. Toilet paper is thus good for the
environment, because it incentivizes planting trees.
Plus all those sewer tanks clogged with TP is a great way to
sequester carbon.
|9.28.09 @ 4:51PM|#
""""That brings back fond memories of a toilet I had in a
pre-war bungalow outside of Chicago. You could have flushed a
corpse down that thing."""
Now we know where Hoffa went.
MILLIONAIRE|9.28.09 @ 4:52PM|#
Warty | September 28, 2009, 3:39pm | #
The best thing to wipe with is a declawed cat.
Clearly you've never tried Chinchilla.
You dont even need to declaw them. You just stun them once against
the wall, and you're good to go.
|9.28.09 @ 5:01PM|#
Fist of all, by and in large, hippies and enviro-nuts know very
little abot the real world outside rhetoric. So I am not listening
to them, ever.
Secondly, if anyone tries to stop me (by force) from getting my
hands on the fluffy stuff or my nice high-flow toilet, I will shoot
him (or her) in the private parts. No one keeps me away from my
Charmin.
Besides, if the market decides it wants to further "global warming"
then let it.
dfd|9.28.09 @ 5:05PM|#
Are we in favor of bringing market pressures to bear only
when we particularly like the outcome?
Well duh. Yes, dummy. Why would anyone support bringing pressure to
bear for an outcome they oppose? You have a warped idea of
libertarianism (and freedom in general) if you are conflating
criticism, mockery and general disdain for nutty ideas with
restricting anyone's liberty.
And what exactly requires free market proponents to dislike
environmentalism again?
Could it be that in too many cases environmentalism has become
essentially a religion with a set of beliefs that are not to be
questioned and are to be imposed by force on everyone for their own
good? If you want to use persuasion to convince people that buying
"green" products is better, no free-marked proponent will have a
problem with you (that doesn't mean, of course, that they
will agree with you, or not argue with you, or refrain from perhaps
even mocking you for a particular idea -- see above). If, however,
you want to use force to impose your preferences on everyone else
then free-market proponents will most certainly have a problem with
you.
I don't see anything substantive in favor of government
regulation anywhere in that article.
There have already been calls by Australian experts to reduce the amount of water wasted through toilet flushing with a proposed new toilet tax.
|9.28.09 @ 5:07PM|#
I thought paper came from trees planted to make paper. You cut down trees, make paper, plant some more trees. When they're grown abit you cut them down and make paper and plant some more tree. You harvest what's sustainable through replacement. Kinda like what our H/G ancestors did. I thought that was what these fuckers wanted, sustainability.
¢|9.28.09 @ 5:10PM|#
Let's do the eco-friendly thing here and just shit in their
mouths.
Open mouths expel "carbon."
We have to cut new holes to shit in.
|9.28.09 @ 5:30PM|#
No, no Agammamon, that would be too EASY! It isn't good if your
quality of life doesn't decline.
If some super genius found a way to solve all environmental
"problems" while improving the comfort and quality of life for
every person on the planet, I really think a sizeable number of
enviros would oppose it on some trumped up grounds. The movement,
which I do not view in an entirely negative light, has been
hijacked by Luddites.
Easy solution to enviro wackery: set aside a large pristine, virgin
wilderness for them them to test out their dream lives. They'll
soon see that their "pastoral" existence means drudgery,
discomfort, and NO ANTIBIOTICS. And, by the way, some of the
predators will not want to be friends and sing songs.
I bet 99 percent of them would come screaming back into
civilization in less than a year.
BeesInTheBrain|9.28.09 @ 5:35PM|#
Am I the only one who has never noticed the "softness" of the toilet paper. Personally as long at it doesn't tear apart while I am wiping I am happy.
Mokers|9.28.09 @ 5:44PM|#
The Bellagio has one of the best buffets in Las Vegas, as well as some of the best toilet paper. Coincidence? I think not.
|9.28.09 @ 5:51PM|#
What does the Bellagio use for toilet paper? Blown glass designed by Dale Chihuly?
|9.28.09 @ 5:54PM|#
alan @ 4:34 pm wins the coveted Hit 'n' Run Too Much Information
award.
On the old growth issue, note the slippery definition used
("decades or even a century old"). Not "real" old growth then, and
consistent with farmed trees.
And aren't farmed trees supposed to be a good way to sequester
carbon?
|9.28.09 @ 6:02PM|#
Natural Resources Defense Council.
Where do these people get their funding?
Not only that, they are not aware of the irony of defending
something that can only be defined by the market, that is: a
RESOURCE.
|9.28.09 @ 6:08PM|#
The hippie chicks I've met have their own problems with "old growth". The kind that using TP really would cut down.
BakedPenguin|9.28.09 @ 6:16PM|#
IIRC, Sheryl Crow was talking about how people should only use
two sheets to wipe. No wonder Lance Armstrong dumped her - it'd be
hard enough to get it up with a lump on your gonads, then you have
to doggy style a woman who smells like Lonewacko?
Also, they should legalize hemp, and make it into toilet paper.
Then hippie chicks could have all the TP they need. One more
argument in the "win" column for that issue, as if we needed
one.
dfd|9.28.09 @ 6:25PM|#
then you have to doggy style a woman who smells like
Lonewacko?
Oh nice, now I'm nauseous. Thanks so much for ruining MNF 50-cent
taco night, fucker.
Chad|9.28.09 @ 7:01PM|#
SugarFree | September 28, 2009, 2:35pm | #
Chad and Tony are hardcore enviros. Think about it.
Naah, I am only medium-core. You apparently don't know what the
hardcore ones are like.
Michael Ejercito|9.28.09 @ 8:31PM|#
The reason, they say, is that plush U.S. toilet paper is usually made by chopping down and grinding up trees that were decades or even a century old. They want Americans, like Europeans, to wipe with tissue made from recycled paper goods
Are they suggesting that saplings be cut down instead.
A tree that is a century old has had decades to spread their
seed.
Not satisfied with their low-flush toilet victory, some green activists now want to ban all flush toilets as menaces to the planet.
Is there any reason why we listen to Greeniacs?
They end up looking insaner than the Westboro Baptist
Church.
'Old growth' trees tend to be a major cause of and fuel for fires, since they are more easily combustible. The big wild fires you always hear about in places like California, which hurt the environment by releasing tons of carbon into the atmosphere and destroying younger trees, are examples of such fires. So I say, have at 'em.
I live in southern California.
Seriously, we could reduce carbon dioxide emissions by razing those
hills and burying the wood in a landfill.
It makes sense to me- why grind up an entire tree of that size just for tp?
If it is profitable...
alan|9.28.09 @ 10:08PM|#
alan @ 4:34 pm wins the coveted Hit 'n' Run Too Much
Information award.
I hope it was obvious I was joking. Well, sort of. You can't leave
an Urkobold™ post hanging.
Enyap|9.28.09 @ 10:27PM|#
"What is this fascination with "Old Growth" anyhow?"
They needed a new talking point when it was revealed that more new
trees are planted then cut down each year.
Anonymous|9.29.09 @ 12:48AM|#
You can't leave an Urkobold™ post hanging.
Unless you just can't bear to wipe it.
K.T.|9.29.09 @ 11:00PM|#
It's a menace, environmental groups say -- and a dark-comedy
example of American excess.
Tell that to my hemorrhoids.
Medic001|9.30.09 @ 11:23AM|#
I spent 7 years rubbing my ass with NAVY issue TP. never again
will I suffer the sand paper across my anus. If Europe dosn't like
soft TP, they can stick to using bottle brushes and construction
paper.
I'll keep my charmin thank you!
Medic001|9.30.09 @ 11:25AM|#
Ice is right. HEMP is the ONLY way to go, you can clean your ass with it, wear it, live under it, eat it,drive with it( fuel) smoke it and it heals....the body and the earth.
|10.1.09 @ 11:09PM|#
Stand alone bidet's may waste water but hand Bidet Sprayers actually save it, unless of course you never need to wash after going number 2, in which case don't sit next to me on the bus or train please! A hand held bathroom bidet sprayer is so much better than a stand alone bidet or bidet seat and this is why:1. It's less expensive (potentially allot less) 2. You can install in yourself = no plumber expense 3. It works better by providing more control of where the water spray goes and a greater volume of water flow. 4. It requires no electricity and there are few things that can go wrong with it. 5. It doesn't take up any more space, many bathrooms don't have room for a stand alone bidet. 6. You don’t have to get up and move from the toilet to the bidet which can be rather awkward at times to say the least. Available at www.bathroomsprayers. com
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