Some (read: me) might argue that Halloween is the greatest of all holidays. No pressure, no big meal to prepare, no presents to shop for, no insane extended family—just pure fun. Booze for grownups, candy for kids, everybody wins.
Every year, news outlets run a few mask-suffocation and razors-in-apples stories in the name of "service journalism." (Now there's a scary costume: service journalist.) Now there's a new addition to the genre: The Don't Feed the Fat Kids story.
Three weeks out, the AP is on the case, with a perfect example of the form. The lede:
It wasn't the gruesome costumes or gory masks turning up at Lisa Bruno's front door that spooked her on Halloween. It was the pudge lurking beneath the costumes.
"The kids were just so huge," Bruno says.
I'm sure you could write the rest of the story in your sleep. Helpful hints: Give toys instead of candy, trick your kids into giving their hoard to you, etc. But this was the line that broke my heart:
Experts do suggest turning the night into a teaching moment about portion size and limits, lessons can that can be reinforced all year.
For Satan's sake, feed 'em broccoli every other day of the year, but leave the mini-Snickers alone! For just one night, consider the fat a creative opportunity. At least you're saving money on the fat suit for that would otherwise be necessary to complete little Timmy's picture perfect William Howard Taft costume.