Buddha Tossing and Other Sports at Beijing

Katherine Mangu-Ward | November 15, 2007

The Beijing Olympics have been and will be fodder for excellent crossover sports-politics commentary. But those tempted to try should probably throw in the towel now (note the sports metaphor--few and far between in my writing), because NR's John Derbyshire has done the definitive satirical piece.

He writes up the new "demonstration sports" to be introduced in Beijing this time around, including:

Buddha Tossing. Infant children declared by the Dalai Lama to be incarnate Buddhas must be seized and tossed into a barbed-wire enclosure, where they will spend the rest of their lives eating rice gruel and sewing export-quality gunny sacks. Extra points for family members of the living Buddha rounded up and incarcerated. (Half points for those dead on delivery to the enclosure.)

Organ Extraction. A test of speed and skill in wielding surgical instruments. A succession of convicted criminals, or members of obstreperous religious sects, are strapped to operating tables and their organs are removed without anesthetic, to be sold to intermediaries for transplant into wealthy foreigners. Points are awarded based on the total market value of the removed organs.

See the Falun Gong practicing for the Organ Extraction event above. And of course, the ever-popular:

400-Fetus Relay. Teams of competitors administer forced abortions to women who have violated the one-child policy. A complicated scoring system awards points to each termination based on age and sex of fetus.

Via Jay Nordlinger's Impromptus

Comments

thoreau|11.15.07 @ 11:28AM|#

What about fire drills?

VM|11.15.07 @ 11:28AM|#

400-Fetus Relay. Teams of competitors administer forced abortions to women who have violated the one-child policy. A complicated scoring system awards points to each termination based on age and sex of fetus.

and regardless, the French judge will end up screwing you.

|11.15.07 @ 11:32AM|#

Organ Extraction. A test of speed and skill in wielding surgical instruments.

Is there an electric buzzing sound if you touch the sides of the opening? That damned wishbone would get me every time.

VM|11.15.07 @ 11:35AM|#

NAUGHTY, DOKTOR T!

As URKOBOLD notes, Pepsi will sure make absurd economic profits hier.

thoreau|11.15.07 @ 11:36AM|#

and regardless, the French judge will end up screwing you.

That, or the French competitor will head-butt you.

|11.15.07 @ 11:37AM|#

I couldn't tell from the picture- is the Organ Extraction restricted to ball harvesting?

VM|11.15.07 @ 11:54AM|#

Oh my. Mercy.

Olai - no, but if they get pissed, they will take their ball and go home.

|11.15.07 @ 11:56AM|#

Slightly off topic, I used to LOVE the olympics. Now I just don't give a damn. There's too many reasons to list why I no longer care, but I don't.

robc|11.15.07 @ 12:06PM|#

J sub D,

Reason #1: "Up close and personal" I dont give a damn about the athletes in real life, just show me events.

|11.15.07 @ 12:20PM|#

I used to LOVE the olympics. Now I just don't give a damn.

I only like the events where there are no judges. The biathalon in Winter and any of the track events in Summer hold my interest.

Rhywun|11.15.07 @ 12:24PM|#

Reason #2: You're not 10 years old anymore.

I used to love it when I was kid--the "excitement", the pageantry, all that crap. Now I couldn't care less. (I think the same applies to the Jerry Lewis telethon...)

|11.15.07 @ 12:24PM|#

Even if watching the olympics did interest me, I'd still probably boycott them since they're being held in a fucking gulag.

|11.15.07 @ 12:25PM|#

Organ Extraction. A test of speed and skill in wielding surgical instruments.

Maybe the Chinese can steal the Benihana gimmick with the twirling scalpels instead of knives and make the organs land in dishes for point value.

All of a sudden I have a craving for a Junior Mint.

|11.15.07 @ 12:29PM|#

My money's on Chuck Norris in the organ extraction event; he can just jab his hand through your rib cage and yank your heart out.

|11.15.07 @ 12:45PM|#

My dad actually lives in Beijing. I'm hoping I have time to actually go next year. I'll tell him to put me down for tickets to the 400-Fetus Relay. I loves me some dead babies.

ed|11.15.07 @ 12:58PM|#

I intend to watch the topless gymnast competition.*

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/44164/topless_gymnast/

*NSFW

|11.15.07 @ 1:21PM|#

I've got one. Run 100 meters, kill a Darfuri, pick up a barrel of oil, and bring it back to a waiting Chinese official.

bromo98|11.15.07 @ 1:31PM|#

I intend to watch the topless gymnast competition.
Wow...how disapointing was that to watch...

Chuck|11.15.07 @ 1:38PM|#

I intend to watch the topless gymnast competition.

Considering the age of most of the female gymnasts, it would probably be a felony to watch. And no, I haven't checked out the link. I'm at work.

LarryA|11.15.07 @ 1:43PM|#

Reason #3: They uselessly segregate the shooting events m/f. It's a lot more fun to watch the gals outshoot the gents.

Another event could be the 400 meter wait in line to buy consumer goods.

The Democratic Republican|11.15.07 @ 1:58PM|#

Woo hoo!!! HIlarious! KMW gets a 10.0 for yet another blog post that diminshes human misery and makes us fail to question WHY we should tolerate the Beijing Olympics. Oh! Right! "Free markets" and all that. But screw human decency when it comes to missing a second of the Olympics.

|11.15.07 @ 2:06PM|#

ed | November 15, 2007, 12:58pm | #
I intend to watch the topless gymnast competition.*

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/44164/topless_gymnast/

Meh, I give her 9.2. Points off for the dismount and just not enough Gold medal "sparkle."

And BOOBIES! :D
Yes, I am 13 years old, why...

|11.15.07 @ 2:12PM|#

The Democratic Republican | November 15, 2007, 1:58pm | #
Woo hoo!!! HIlarious! KMW gets a 10.0 for yet another blog post that diminshes human misery and makes us fail to question WHY we should tolerate the Beijing Olympics. Oh! Right! "Free markets" and all that. But screw human decency when it comes to missing a second of the Olympics.

Look, I gave KMW some shit about Katrina, but the whole point is to give "A Modest Proposal" treatment to how the wolrd goes on and just turns a blind eye to the atrocities of PROC.
And if you really want to go after someone, talk to Derbyshire who might just know a bit more about how bad PROC is since his wife was a PROC citizne...

|11.15.07 @ 4:16PM|#

The buddha toss, the chicken choke, the monkey spank...

R C Dean|11.15.07 @ 5:12PM|#

The buddha toss, the chicken choke, the monkey spank...

Would we score those on distance and volume, or would there also be style points?

|11.15.07 @ 5:53PM|#

and who can forget the classic.
"Whack your Porcupine"