Do Your Part for the War On Terror (and Get a Certificate!)

Katherine Mangu-Ward | September 26, 2007

Take half an hour today and get your gen-u-ine anti-terrorism training certificate here. Just enter fake ID info and have at it.

To get a flavor of the 9/11-inflected fun, check out the first four sentences of the first page of the training:

Welcome to AT Level I Awareness Training. Read the message from the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff about the importance of this training.

Hello, I'm General Pete Pace.

9/11 was a horrific day that is forever seared in our Nation's memory.

And on page 2 of the threat briefing, this handy chart. Note the aborable "Down With Capitalists" graffito:

When you're done, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that America is a little bit safer, and you even get a handy printout that looks like this:

Via Danger Room

Comments

Syloson of Samos|9.26.07 @ 12:45PM|#

Khmer Rouge?

Ahh, that organization has been defunct since mid to late 1990s.

|9.26.07 @ 12:47PM|#

Did they have infants do the drawings? Are the main "tactics and weapons" used loud car stereos? Does their level of activity have to do with Jamaica somehow?

Also, I like how the US and Britain are the same country now. That's great.

Fluffy|9.26.07 @ 12:48PM|#

Watching the Ken Burns thing on WWII, there's a detectable undercurrent of "Why isn't the country like this now?" and as this thread makes clear, the country isn't wrapped up in WWII style propaganda because we no longer have a high enough population of dorks.

Jennifer|9.26.07 @ 12:49PM|#

Oh, for God's sake. I know it has the ".mil" in the address, but this CAN'T actually be real. Can it?

That's why The Onion has been going downhill lately; it's impossible to effectively do parodies when reality is this fricking insane.

Episiarch|9.26.07 @ 12:51PM|#

They must be sophisticated if they can hook dolphins up to their laptops.

Syloson of Samos|9.26.07 @ 12:54PM|#

Fluffy,

Any discussion re: divisions on the home front?

|9.26.07 @ 12:57PM|#

Is that a dolphin or a club?

Syloson of Samos|9.26.07 @ 12:58PM|#

I assumed that it was a club, presented so as to contrast with the laptop.

|9.26.07 @ 12:58PM|#

I thought it was Michael Chertoff's diseased skeletal penis.

|9.26.07 @ 12:59PM|#

I thought the terrorists were shopping for XXXtreme sex toys on eBay.

|9.26.07 @ 1:00PM|#

I retract my last statement. Randolph Carter wins, hands down.

Syloson of Samos|9.26.07 @ 1:00PM|#

And now as look at it as a dolphin I see that the profile position of the image would allow for an animal with five fins.

Episiarch|9.26.07 @ 1:03PM|#

Wait, now that I look at it, I think it's implying that the terrorists are actually laptop-using dolphins. That makes more sense.

Hedley Lamar|9.26.07 @ 1:10PM|#

Nemo de Monet? Is he related to the famous Count de Monet?

Syloson of Samos|9.26.07 @ 1:14PM|#

So, what's up with the car? Is it talking out of its underside or is that the start of an IED explosion?

|9.26.07 @ 1:15PM|#

AT Level 1 Awareness Training? Doesn't that mean that you can see the Thetans in others and that you can watch Battlefield Earth in one sitting without trying to claw your eyeballs out?

|9.26.07 @ 1:17PM|#

I'm a reservist, and can testify that yes, this is the real training. OTOH, no one takes the web-based training seriously.

|9.26.07 @ 1:18PM|#

Well, I got my bad self certified under the nom de net "Bocephus G Woodycocks." What's shocking is that the whole training course boils down to what your mom told you about going to the big city - don't talk to strangers, don't get in gypsy cabs, and don't flash your money and credentials around like you're some bigshot. Also (mom didn't tell me this) don't wear a polo shirt made of an American flag.

|9.26.07 @ 1:19PM|#

When I first read the "are there terrorist groups in the area" graphic, I was sure I read "Army of Goat" (instead of "Army of God").

I want to be clear that I would join -- without hesitation -- an organization called "Army of Goat."

|9.26.07 @ 1:20PM|#

Chris S. - I've been down that road... Shub Niggurath is not a nice lady

VM|9.26.07 @ 1:21PM|#

Randolph Carter | September 26, 2007, 12:58pm | #
I thought it was Michael Chertoff's diseased skeletal penis.

wow. just wow!

NESCAC POWER!!!!

|9.26.07 @ 1:25PM|#

I just got my certificate.

Nemo de Monet|9.26.07 @ 1:39PM|#

Hedley - *of course* I'm related to the great Count de Monet. In fact, my middle name is "Oliver" - yes, that's right, Nemo O. de Monet. :)

I'm glad, for what it's worth, that I've been able to brighten everyone's day ever so slightly by bringing this training to a wider audience.

|9.26.07 @ 2:34PM|#

So, what's up with the car? Is it talking out of its underside or is that the start of an IED explosion?

It's Francis, the Talking Terrorist Car! Watch for his wacky adventures Wednesdays at 9:30 on Fox!

|9.26.07 @ 2:47PM|#

I've designed and taught a few training programs in th U.S. Navy. I'd be professionally embarrased, no mortified, to have had any part in the creation of this amateurish crap!

But then, I haven't been to college, so I'm probably talking out my ass.

Timothy|9.26.07 @ 2:54PM|#

Does this certificate allow one to perform legal marriages? That is the real question.

JBinMO|9.26.07 @ 2:57PM|#

This is great, it will make it a lot easier to get us to spy on each other.

JBinMO|9.26.07 @ 3:01PM|#

"It's Francis, the Talking Terrorist Car! Watch for his wacky adventures Wednesdays at 9:30 on Fox!"

I loved that show, but there was only one episode.

|9.26.07 @ 3:25PM|#

Yeah, I can attest it's the real thing, too - just apparently slightly different for a non-military audience.

It's important not to confuse "anti-terrorism" with "counter-terrorism," tho...

While CT is actual door-kicking and bad-guy killing (SEAL Team 6-style bad-guy confrontation), AT is being aware enough of shady situations to keep from getting kidnapped while your overseas and turned into a video that gets shown on al Jazeera.

In other words, its common sense - I'll leave it to someone else to argue that being sensible is hardly common these days.

(Special joe tie-in to this post - he'll probably be along to tell everyone that admitting to any concern about people who sincerely exclaim that they want to see you dead and are willing to go to extraordinary lengths to kill you is just cowardly chicken-hawk pant-wetting.)

|9.26.07 @ 5:27PM|#

Why did they need the last four digits of my SSN? Anyone figure they know how to log IP addresses?

Scooby|9.26.07 @ 6:51PM|#

gaijin,
It's a secure .mil site. I'm sure that fraudulent use, especially of a terrorism-related information, is grounds for a little stretch at Gitmo. Your interrogators should be around shortly to pick you up. Have a nice trip!

Nemo|9.26.07 @ 7:07PM|#

Gaijin;

It's a required course for quite a number of people, including contractors and family members of military personnel. The information provided is used to confirm that an individual has taken the course and met the requirements to, among other things, deploy overseas...

You, ah, were smart enough to use fake information, right? :)

|9.26.07 @ 9:32PM|#

Those bastards won't let me access the site from Japan! I'm just trying to protect the furthest reaches of the Empire, but I don't know how without proper training. Blue wire? Green wire?

|9.26.07 @ 9:32PM|#

Heh! I had to do that certification prior to a deployment to Guatemala earlier this year.

|9.27.07 @ 8:40AM|#

Citizens of Earth:

As a proud holder of my own Level 1 AT Awareness Training Certificate, I, in conjunction with the Department of Defense, have devoted myself full time to defeating terror, using the power of Government Training!

Clip-art terrorists, beware!