Oscar Roundup '07: In Which Al Gore Starts to Look Like Alec Baldwin

The biggest winners, the biggest losers:

Winner: Robert Altman, for claiming the coveted "most applause during the death montage" award.

Loser: Errol Morris. First I thought: "Hey, they're opening the Oscars with a parody of those Errol Morris Apple ads." Then I thought: "Oh dear, they're opening the Oscars with a bad imitation of those Errol Morris Apple ads." Then came the horrible truth: That was Errol Morris.

Winner: Ennio Morricone, for delivering his acceptance speech in Italian. It would have been even cooler if no one had translated it.

Loser: Morricone again. You write the score to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, and they honor you with a performance by Celine Dion?

Winner: Jerry Seinfeld, for that face he made during Al Gore's public service announcement.

Loser: Melissa Etheridge. It's bad enough when your lyrics have to compete with some energy conservation tips floating around on a giant screen behind you while you play. It's even worse when it becomes clear that the tips are actually more interesting than the words to your godawful power ballad. Yes, I know she won the prize, but they usually give Best Song to the worst nominee anyway. She goes in the pity pile.

Winner: The Earth. Because Hollywood has finally licked global warming for once and for all.

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  • Ed||

    How about Ellen DeGeneres? Shouldn't she win the "cute as a button" award?

  • ||

    Jesse,
    you have made the oscars (which I have never watched in my 36 years of life) seem almost entertaining. Your 1 minute blurb gave me all of the information I needed to know (probably more than I needed). BTW, as much as I love The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, I still love High Plains Drifter even more.

    bob

  • Jim||

    Loser: Morricone again. You write the score to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, and they honor you with a performance by Celine Dion?

    Unfortunately, that's the way it works...Scorsese also did a couple of "little films" called Goodfellas and Raging Bull that got "overlooked". But when the Academy decides to throw you a bone its in bad form not to seem grateful...

  • ||

    Wow, what a catty post. Maybe I should have watched.

  • Ron||

    As for the "people who died" montage, was it really too much to ask for a 30-second clip of Adrienne Shelley, even if mainstream Hollywood barely managed to acknowledge her existence when she was alive?

    Also, what the hell was that whole "What America Means to Me" montage from Michael Mann...which leads to Rutger Hauer's tragic monologue from BLADE RUNNER? Sheesh. By that standard, they ever ask me to do a project like that, I'm throwing in a clip of Sean Connery in OUTLAND, declaring that he was sent to this pile of shit because they think he belongs here.

  • ||

    Winner: Me. I didn't watch the stupid Oscar show this year, in fact I forgot it was on.

  • ||

    Oscars night has only one meaning to me; I don't get to watch the 11 pm local news at anything like its normal time.

  • ||

    Winner: Al Gore. He had his ass kissed so many times, he didn't have to wipe after taking a dump.

  • ||

    The Oscars are like a perpetual circlejerk of the hollywood community every years. I have to admit though, Departed did deserve to win :)

  • Guy Montag||

    I knew there was something fishy going on!

    I really don't believe it is a coincidence that the first race NASCAR uses alternative fuel and ecoevangualist gets a cutsie little statue from that Hollywood crowd!

  • Antarctic Penguin||

    "The Earth. Because Hollywood has finally licked global warming for once and for all."

    Now I am just depressed, I was looking forward to being able to tan myself for more weeks of the year.

  • ||

    "Winner: Jerry Seinfeld, for that face he made during Al Gore's public service announcement."

    I think it was an attempt to suppress a yawn.

  • ||

    "The Departed" gave me a fucking headache, pretty much on the scale of "Kundune". I felt like I needed CliffNotes to watch to damned thing.

    "Taxi Driver". "Raging Bull". "Goodfellas". "Goodfellas part 2 (aka Casino". These were the times to give the man a bunch of statues. But I'm assuming these Academy twits know what a good movie is.

    I will say, though, I was surprised Peter Jackson got all the love he did a couple years ago. This is probably the first and only time the Academy got it right. However, this probably put Jackson in such a high position that it will keep him from making "The Hobbit", which is a fucking crime. The studios are probably screwing him over. But, dammit, he needs to make that goddamn movie.

    And regarding Dr. Gore. Why don't we just stop fucking around and make him Pope already? First he gets the fake doctorate. Now he gets a fake movie award. Next up: a fake Nobel Peace Price.

    The libs are having such a huge collective orgasm the moaning is keeping me awake at night.

  • ed||

    The Academy should end the pretense already and change the "best documentary" award to "best propaganda film", as that is what it has surely become. There always was a thin line between documentary and propaganda; that line has vanished.

  • VikingMoose||

  • ||

    VM,
    You live in Chicago, yes?
    You are a dead man. I will find you.

  • VM||

    High:

    Yes. You can get me at the next H&R Chicago gathering. Mr. Crane will help you get rid of the evidence :)

    HRC is a new light. To clear the palate, as it were

  • ||

    You are forgiven.

  • VM||

  • ||

    I thought the Departed was awful. I loved Goodfelles and Casino and Raging Bull and After Hours and even the Aviator wasn't bad, but The Departed was just a lousy movie. It was worse than Gangs of New York. Goodfellas and Casino walked a fine line between realism and gratuitous violence. I thought The Departed totally crossed it. Violence and gore for violence and gore's sake in the confines of a lousy script. If you compare Goodfellas to The Departed you see how far movies have fallen over the last fifteen or so years. Goodfellas had so much smart dialog and so many memorable lines. The Departed had none of it. I can't remember one well written scene from the movie. That is why movies have gone down hill so much, lousy dialog.

    Ed,

    The Oscars lost all credibility in the documentary catgory when they passed over Hoop Dreams for that snoozer Mya Lynn documentary. It was about an Asian woman doing a Vietnam Veteran's memorial, how could it not win? Ugh!!

  • ||

    Ennio Morricone can give his acceptance speech in any language he wants. That guy is just awsome.

  • ||

    Is there a woman over 50 with a better rack thank Helen Miran? If there is I can't think of one.

  • ||

    So from what I understand, The Good, the Bad and the Queen won best album?
    Man, lately, anything Damon Albarn touches turns to gold.

  • ||

    Ms. Miran may be over 50, but the rack can't buy beer.

  • ||

    "The whole thing is a goddam meat parade....I don't want any part of it."

    -George C. Scott (1927-1999)

  • ||

    Best part was when all assembled pledged not to fly in private jets, stop making big budget dreck movies, drive hybrid cars instead of riding in limos, and sell off all except one modest house. Thank God someone is taking reducing their carbon footprint seriously.
    What, that didn't show up on your screen?

    John, wasn't Helen Mirren's "rack" on display in The Passion of Ayn Rand? Don't recall any particular "wow" impression.

  • ||

    "John, wasn't Helen Mirren's "rack" on display in The Passion of Ayn Rand? Don't recall any particular "wow" impression."

    I have never seen that one. But it has been on display in any number of movies. It looked pretty good in The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover, and it looked fantastic in Caligula.

  • ed||

    You need to go back to her 60s movies to view Mirren's racktacular assets.

  • ||

    I just don't get the whole Melissa Etheridge phenomenon, if one can even call it that. Her music is terrible, and she's remotely interesting only because she was somehow able to steal Lou Diamond Phillips wife from him. I mean, that song for the Al Gore powerpoint presentation was so bad only Joan Baez could have listened to the entire thing.

  • ||

    Don,

    Becuase sometiems it is not who you are but what you are. Etheridge was the first female pop star to come out of the closet. She, therefore, must be treated as the 21st Century Jannis Joplin so people in Hollywood can pat themselves on the back for being wonderful and inclusive. The fact that her music isn't very good is really irrelevant. It is the same reason the Dixie Chicks won a bunch of grammies for a forgetable pop country record. They don't like Bush and his redneck supporters gave them the finger, therefore the Dixie Chicks must be brilliant, music be damned.

  • Guy Montag||

    So, how does climate change affect "Killer Bees"/"African-ized Honey Bees"?

    I think Al Gore is covering up the most under reported crisis of the last century for his own personal gain and entertainment.

  • Dr X||

    The scripted Al Gore celebration followed what now seems like Geffen-Hollywood's perfectly timed public flogging of Hillary earlier in the week.

  • ||

    Please, God, I'm begging:

    Al Gore in '08.

  • ||

    If Gore had any cred left in red or purple states, he lost it after that 4-hour long hand job.

    Outside of her gratuitous tossing of Al's salad, I thought Ellen was doing pretty well. I've always liked her standup (even if her sitcom was ill-conceived and poorly executed.) Then Seinfeld came up and it was like on American Idol when someone is the best so far and then the next act blows them out of the water and you're like "Wait, I thought the last guy was good?!? Zuh?" And yes, after that last sentence, I'm applying for a job at VH-1.

  • ||

    The best part about Morricone's speech is watching a bunch of idiot actors and actresses who probably had never seen any of the films he scored trying to hide the fact that they were utterly lost and confused as to what this guy is doing onstage speaking in Italian.

    Good stuff.

    Also Ellen is one of the best hosts they've had in a long time

  • ||

    Good to see Scorsese get his "lifetime achievement" Oscar--oh, you mean that was for a specific movie? Oops. I loved "Goodfellas", but "Casino" is higher on my 're-watchability' scale. One of my top 10.

    Apart from all of the global warming spew coming out of his mouth, does anybody throw a wet blanket over festivities better than Al Gore? That guy reminds me of the movie "The Cooler."

    Ellen DeGeneres did a fine job as host, though she actually had a lot less screen time than I thought she would. That backstage guy got more face time than she did.

  • ||

    Regarding that backstage guy, I felt bad for the winners like the sound guys who were nervous as hell and took a while to thank the people who were important to them, but they got cut off by the orchestra because they needed to go to the backstage guy who had some silly gag.
    (Whew! That's a long sentence.)
    Anywho, I didn't watch more than a few minutes of the show throughout the night. Ellen did a good job, you say. Good for her. She seems well suited for that sort of gig. She's very funny but her humor is pretty white bread.
    If only she would settle down with some nice boy...

  • ed||

    If only she would settle down with some nice boy...

    Melissa Etheridge is taken.

  • ||

    ed shoots. He scores!

  • Jesse Walker||

    Yeah, Ellen was funny. What were the chances that we'd have a decent halftime concert at the Super Bowl and a funny Oscar host in the same year?

  • ||

    "Yeah, Ellen was funny. What were the chances that we'd have a decent halftime concert at the Super Bowl and a funny Oscar host in the same year?"

    Pretty damn small. I never thought of it that way. Ellen is funny. She was a pretty good comediene and her show was okay for its first year or so. The Oscars are a good gig for her. She is a little bit understated and not a parady of herself. Much better than someone like Billy Crystal who seemed like his sole purpose for being there was telling you how funny and wonderful Billy Crystal is.

  • ||

    Ellen did great.
    Jerry Seinfeld (who?) was apparently under the dual impressions that he was the host, and that he was funny.
    Jack Nicholson is still obviously sucking the producers' cocks to get his no-talent mug on screen.
    Dame Helen was in "Caligula"; enough said.
    M'Etheridge is dead.
    Algore was never alive.
    Lenny dicrapio is an underage gay porn star who worships Stalin.
    Scorcese is exactly the same as Woody Allen, except for the use of fouler language. Neither is worthy of breathing the same atmosphere as my wife.
    My wife wore a fabulous gown and, unlike the cheap whores at the ceremony, she actually paid (you know, MONEY) for her clothes and jewels.
    Algore is a traitor, and a liar.
    I support gay rights, but nasty lesbian men (Etheridge) should not be allowed out in public, and the poor children to which the filthy communist bitch referred in its diatribe should be placed in Children's Services' its kind should never be allowed to walk around freely in a civilised society.

  • Antarctic Penguin||

    "Jerry Seinfeld (who?) was apparently under the dual impressions that he was the host, and that he was funny."

    Denker, If you have never seen his show you should. It was a pathbreaking show is is VERY funny.

  • ||

    I didn't see the whole show, falling asleep sometime during the third hour, so could someone tell me whether Gore found manbearpig? Judging from Gore's bloated appearance, perhaps he found and ate it.

  • ||

    I have inappropriate fantasies about Ellen Degeneres.

    I'm not sure why. I think it's because they're inappropriate.

  • The Wine Commonsewer||


    Winner: Jerry Seinfeld, for that face he made during Al Gore's public service announcement.


    photo please

  • ed||

    Patience, TWC. There will be, eventually, 57 versions of it on YouTube.

  • Kim Jong Il||

    You are worthress Arbert Gore!

  • Kim Jong Il||

    When you see Arbert Gore, you see the true ugriness of human nature.

  • ||

    You have to admit it was funny when Gore pulled out an envelope and made like he was going to announce his candidacy for president, and the music immediately cut him off.

  • ||

    clint eastwood should have asked mr morricone what the lyrics are to the title track of the good, the bad, and the ugly. it still puzzles me and probably a lot of other people.

  • ||

    Have you seen Ellen's mate?
    http://gfx.dagbladet.no/pub/artikkel/4/44/448/448384/portia_ellen.jpg

    She has excellent taste.
    Would you date a boy instead?

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