Everybody Wins!

Jesse Walker | September 18, 2006

Radley Balko solves our problems:

Given that skinny women are hopelessly manipulated by the fashion industry, and that obese women are hopelessly manipulated by the food industry, I propose the following magic-bullet legislation:

The government buy every obese person subscriptions to the top fashion magazines; meanwhile every skinny person should be forced to sit through a dozen McDonalds, sugary cereal, and Hostess cupcake commercials.

In six months, we'll all wear the same size, and everyone will finally be equal.

Comments

|9.18.06 @ 9:03AM|#

Can't we all just be the same?

|9.18.06 @ 10:01AM|#

If everyone wore the same size, it would make clothes shopping a lot less complicated.

I support this idea.

thoreau|9.18.06 @ 10:08AM|#

If targeted advertising made everybody the same size, somebody would complain about the homogenizing effects of individually-targeted media.

|9.18.06 @ 10:22AM|#

What colors should our clothes be, a soothing off-white or a relaxed off-brown?

|9.18.06 @ 10:35AM|#

I say we tie weights around every skinny person's neck.

|9.18.06 @ 10:35AM|#

I have a cunning plan. It's time to solve all of the inequalities in America by selecting one person and cloning him 300 million times. The Democrats and Republicans can unite to do this, satisfying the GOP's urge to limit sex (well, procreative sex--non-cloning births shall be illegal henceforth) and genetic engineering (only this one cloning will be allowed--all others shall be banned) and satisfying the Democrats' desire for everyone to be completely equal. We could also eliminate race, ethnic, and probably most religious differences, as well as the immigration problem (can't live here unless you're a clone, and if you don't look like "one of us" we'll know you don't belong here).

Upon further thought, let's make it two clone types--one guy, one gal. While they won't be allowed to breed, we can keep the family unit intact by letting each couple raise clones.

|9.18.06 @ 10:35AM|#

Now that we got all the chicks to be of perfect size by showing them stuff....time to show them porn, baby.

thoreau|9.18.06 @ 10:46AM|#

What colors should our clothes be, a soothing off-white or a relaxed off-brown?

Silver unitards, obviously.

|9.18.06 @ 11:00AM|#

thoreau,

No, there is an alternative: toga, toga, and yes, toga.

|9.18.06 @ 11:04AM|#

Hey, didn't Vonnegut already explore that in 'Harrison Bergeron'?

|9.18.06 @ 11:30AM|#

thoreau, can we put pointy shoulders on the unitards? If not, can we use something like those Art Deco outfits from 1930's sci-fi serials? If it means no more hip huggers, then I'm all for wearing uniforms, especially those '30's things. I want a rings-of-Saturn hat, too.

|9.18.06 @ 11:36AM|#

Actually, I wrote that last comment, not the good doctor. Sorry for the confusion.

|9.18.06 @ 11:49AM|#

Just so you all know, I've watched a lot of car commercials this weekend, and I fully intend to go buy a blown-to-the-gills BMW M3 and test out my new media-induced mad driving skillz.

Now, where did I leave my motoring goggles at?

thoreau|9.18.06 @ 12:29PM|#

No problem, Karen.

Bottom line: If we just show people the right mix of commercials we can stop people from doing things that are unhealthy. And I'm sure it will work out just fine.

Who needs Hayek when you have selective advertising?

|9.18.06 @ 3:46PM|#

I have a cunning plan. It's time to solve all of the inequalities in America by selecting one person and cloning him 300 million times. The Democrats and Republicans can unite to do this, satisfying the GOP's urge to limit sex (well, procreative sex--non-cloning births shall be illegal henceforth) and genetic engineering (only this one cloning will be allowed--all others shall be banned) and satisfying the Democrats' desire for everyone to be completely equal. We could also eliminate race, ethnic, and probably most religious differences, as well as the immigration problem (can't live here unless you're a clone, and if you don't look like "one of us" we'll know you don't belong here).

I like it - one man, one clone, once.

|9.18.06 @ 5:45PM|#

Karen, please don't shoot the heroine. Or the hero, either.

|9.19.06 @ 12:10AM|#

Hey, didn't Vonnegut already explore that in 'Harrison Bergeron'?

We should also blast noise inside the heads of people who are too smart, and cripple the too-athletic.

|9.19.06 @ 5:32AM|#

mediageek:

Screw the Beemer. Gimme one of those cars from the GM commercials that levitates above traffic jams, then turns into something out of Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. Imagine, ChevyBuickPontiac and Ford are talking about merging to avoid falling even further behind the Japanese, DaimlerChrysler has banished Dr. Z. from our TV screens and a Detroit steelbender is trying to sell us the dream of flying cars. Unreal.

Steranko gave Fury a flying Porsche, anyway.

Kevin